Should i cry or should i smile?

i remembered when i told u...tht we'd be best friends for all the things in common we have. too many things...weird things...maybe it's wht made so close so fast

understand eachothers from a sight.

now..

sometimes when i feel so stressed up...i just wish to run over and cry for u.

i wish i'd call u and complain from everything.

just because i know u'll understand and listen and even make me feel alright.

but...

ur not there...

now i remembered a song, white flag by dido..

I know

you think that

I shouldn't still love you,

Or tell you that.

But if I didn't say it,

well I'd still have felt it

where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction

to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I'm sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I'll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I've moved on....

Yesterday i wished to die
i don't know y
but i had this stronge thought of death
wht makes ppl think tht death is a bad thing?
i just felt i'm sick of my self
i hate to feel tht i'm a weak person
i hate to feel tht i have to obay the orders without talking
have to listen and be silent for wht i hate
have to be hypocrite and say wht i don't wanna say
isn't tht weakness?
depression....
frustration.....
for how long is it gonna be bearable?


ان ليك عند الكلب حاجه قوله يا سيدى

nothing else i can say......

حسبنا الله و نعم الوكيل

لو قالولك اختار عصر من عصور مصرعلشان تعيش فيه تختار اى عصر و فى عهد اى حاكم .. واشمعنى؟

عصر سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم او حرب 1973 لان نفسى اوى اجاهد فى سبيل الله و اموت شهيده

اول اولويه فى حياتك عيلتك ولا شغلك ولا اصحابك؟

عيلتى

شغلى

اصحابى

ايه اكتر حاجه بتحبها فى رمضان؟

لحظات قبل الفطار و صلات قيام الليل , التمرهندى و الفانوس ابو شمعه و شكل الشوارع و هي فيها زينه

اوصف ليا اجمل فطار ممكن تفطره؟

فطار مع عيلتى كلها او مع صحابى كلهم و فيه اكل كتيييييييييييييييييييييييير و الواحد يشبع يا دوب لما يشرب الشوربه بس

لو انت حاكم على مجموعه من الافراد هتكون عادل؟؟ طب هتعمل ايه عشان تتأكد انك حاكم عادل؟

اكيد كل واحد هيقول انه هيكون عادل بس انا بحس ان الكرسى ده ممكن يغي الواحد غصب عنه فانا شخصيا افضل التنازل على العرش بس ممكن امسك حاجه فالوزارة و ياريت تكون الاعلام

اللى بيبوظ الحكام..نفسهم ؟ ولا الشعب ؟ ولا الحاشية المقربة؟؟
كلهم حاجه واحده بنى ادم فا الكل مظلوم و الكل مسؤل
مين أكتر اعلامي مصري بتحترمه؟

خيرى رمضان

قريت ديوان عمر مصطفى صاحب بلوج تجربه " اسباب وجيهه للفرح" عن دار ملامح و لا لسه ؟؟ لو اه ايه رايك فيه؟؟

لا

لو ممكن تشتغل شغلانه تانيه غير اللى انت بتشتغلها او كنت بتشتغلها كنت تتمنى تبقى ايه؟

انا منفعش فى حاجه غير الكتابه
ايه تانى بلد تتمنى تعيش فيها بعد مصر؟

اسبنيا,المنيا, اليابان او جزر هاواى

اوصف ليا ترتيبات اجمل فرح ممكن تحضرها؟

نفسى احضر فرح اسلامى اوى انا عمتا بحب الافراح الهاديه

بتراعي كلام الناس والقيل والقال؟ لو اه او لو لا قول لى ليه؟

انا على طول بهتم بكلام الناس عنى و عن الحاجات الى بكتبها سواء بالسلبى او الايجابى لانى للاسف مش واثقه فى نفسى حبتين فا بحب اعرف راى الناس

السعاده هى؟

صعب ان يكون فى تعريف للسعاده لانها بتختلف من حد للتناى فانا نفسى مش عارفه بس حاجات كتير بتخلينى سعيده

عندك أمل؟

عندى امل و عمر و كولوا بس ممكن يجيلى احباط بسرعه
لما تحب تهرب من كل شئ بتروح فين؟

بكتب فى المذكرات بتعتى او بنام و بحط المخده على وشى و احضنها و اعيط

لما بتعمل عمل خيرى بيكون ايه هو دافعك الاول؟

انى اسعد الى بعملو الخير و ارضى ربنا عنى

بتشرب سجاير؟ لو الاجابه اه ايه شعورك لو شفت ست بتشرب سجاير؟ وليه ؟

لا

عادى انا بضايق لما اشوف ست او راجل بيشربوا سجاير

بتعرف ايدك اليمين من الشمال ازاي؟

ايدى اليمين بعمل بيها كل حاجه تقريبا

ايه اكتر اله موسيقيه بتحبها ؟

الكمانجه بحبها من زمان لانها اكتر اله عاطيفيه بالنسبالى ده الى خالانى اتعلمها و بعديها على الطول و الجيتار بالذات bass بعد ما اتعلمته عليه

و اخيرا الهارب و الماريمبا و البيانوه

فى رأيك ليه الذوق والنخوه اتعدموا؟

لا مش اوى صاوبعك مش زى بعضها بردو بس يمكن من ضغط الحياة و مرور الزمن الواحد بكون فى نرفزه على طول و خلقه ضيق
ايه الحاجه اللى لو حصلتلك تبقى سعيد قوى؟؟

انى اعمل المجله الى بحلم بيها

انى اموت شهيده

تختار يبقى عندك...ارض زراعيه ولا اجنس عربيات و لا كام عماره و لا فلوس فى البنك؟؟

فلوس كتييييييييييييييييييييييير عشان اجيب ارض و عربيه و كام عمارة اسكن فيهم الناس الغلابه و اعمل مجلتى و مسجد و اطلع حج انا و اهلى و اجبلهم كل الى نفسهن فيه
البحر و لا النيل؟

النيل بليل و البحر الصبح بدرى
مركب و لا طياره؟؟

طارة
مجنون و لا عاقل؟

محدش عاقل اليومين دول بالرغم من ان ربنا سبحان و تعالى ميز الانسان بالعقل
تقرأ كتاب و لا تتفرج عليه فيلم؟

الاتنين بس انا بحب اقراء القصص اوى لان خيالى واسع و بتخيل القصص الى بقراءها
امتى قولت ياااااااااااااااااااااااااااااه انا كبرت؟

لما اخوتى الاتنين خلفوا و حسيت انى بقيت خاله

بتمرر التاج لمين؟؟

لاى حد يحب يجوبه و احب اشكر بنوته (منى) الى قالتلى اجوبه

“So don’t you see?
That I’m truly free
This piece of scarf on me,
I wear so proudly…”

Those words were by Sami yusuf, I love hearing this song so much, and it makes me recall some very old memories…
When I first wore my veil, my hijab…
Back to 2001 / 2002 I was about 13 or 14 years old in 3rd prep school, I was like all the other girls looking forward to get a new short haircut, maybe cool highlights too..
And as for clothes I couldn’t take off my eyes of that baby blue jeans and the hot pink top…I got to get those! That was my main target.
Although my two sisters were veiled, this idea never crossed my mind for a second, I was happy the way I am, I’m a good person even if I’m not wearing a veil, I mean I feast , I pray and everything else…so it’s not a big deal.
No one really talked me about hejab before even my mum which was so great because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was kind of avoiding it when ever it’s mentioned from anyone.
My best friend was the only veil girl in our class, she was doing her best to convince me with it but I was closing all the doors…I never knew why I never tried to listen and give it chance before then I figured out that I was only trying to…hide.
Hiding from a truth and hiding for doing a right thing…yes I didn’t want to admit that.
At the beginning of the school week as me and my best friend were walking way home I found her giving me tape saying: “would you only hear this please? I think you will like it…and maybe you would wear it by the end of the week”.
As I loved her so much I had to take the tape…I kept thinking on my way home…to hear or not to hear the tape…
I decided to put on the tape and give it a shot, it’s not going to harm anyway…few minuets and I started to cry…I closed my eyes…I imagine my self standing in front of God…asking me...”did anyone convince you with praying? Did anyone convince you with fasting?”…I was speechless…no comment…that what I was fearing to hear. That was what I kept running from.
It’s not the man in the tape who made a change point in my life…put his words and his way opened a new door inside my self. A new way of thinking.
I kept thinking…how I love to make anything that could please my mum and dad and how I’m so thankful for everything they gave to me and made me the way I am….so what about my Lord who created me by himself from the first place?...isn’t he the most ONE I should try to please first? Isn’t he the ONE who really made me the way I am?...giving me all I want?...and I still need someone to convince me with what he asks for?....I hated myself when I thought of that very very much…but I thought if God didn’t love me he wouldn’t have let me hear the tape. I mean I had the chance not to hear it…so for the 1st time in my life…I felt love and bliss.
So, I couldn’t wait for the end of the week to wear it, I couldn’t go to school without it at all…although I had no suitable clothes for it or even scarves…but girls can always mange things when they want so I asked my sisters for help and they didn’t disappoint me. =)
I was so excited to go to school with it and see how my friends going to react especially my best friend…
I entered and here it was a very big wooooow in the playground all my friends staring at me smiling and kissing me as if I got engaged, and my best friend took my hands showing me to everyone around…I was extremely happy until I heard something that really shocked me… a friend of mine said...”what the hell you did to yourself!!! Take it off quickly!!! QUICKLY!” she wasn’t the only one who shocked me that day.
I was stunned for a while…I didn’t know what to say…I went home a little bit frustrated and prayed, I was complaining to God. Is that what I get? I thought that will make me much better person not a freak!
I calmed down for a while and started realizing that the way is not going to be so easy. No way is a piece of cake you have to fight and be strong…not to fall down. And this thing worth fighting for.
Many many things came on my way telling me take it off, take it off, I was more like struggling in this world but I enjoyed it because for the 1st time in my life I felt I was fighting for my right as a normal muslim girl.
Actually there were 2 main things i was fighting about, fighting for my veil and fighting against it.
My 1st battle was with people who think that wearing it makes me narrow minded, strict, and not COOL girl, more like hiding my head completely not just my HAIR. I once heard from a guy that he won’t let his wife wear the veil because he thinks she will look like servants and he definitely can’t go out with her that way!
Now I want to ask a question.. Did anyone noticed before that nuns wear the same thing on their hear? Yes they are VEILD with long dresses and long sleeves. Can anyone show them disrespect or call them servants?
My 2nd battle was with VEILD girls. When sometimes I asked my friends about wearing the veil they say…” don’t you see the veil girls in streets? “. It’s a shame how some girls disrespect their veil and even wear it for other intentions. And that how people get bad ideas about veiled girls and some how Muslims in general.
And now I will ask you another question…we can’t judge all people like one, can we?
I’m not trying to convince girls with wearing the veil and I’m not trying to be some kind of new “She5a”, I’m sharing my experience hoping I can open the door for someone…and hoping that every girl would respect enough her hijab, and finally hoping that people won’t think we are empty headed girls…

“Why can’t you just accept me?” she says“Why can’t I just be me?” she saysTime and time again
You speak of democracy
Yet you rob me of my libertyAll I want is equalityWhy can’t you just let me be free?”….


By a proud veiled girl : Sunshine (20)

seeing the world and seeing my life from a completely new..LENSE!. i got a new glasses it look so neat lol making me dizzy till now.
but it made me see my life in a different way...more clear..more wide..more...i dont know. but even when simple things change..larg things change too.

I cried last nit as i wished, i was about to sleep but i couldn't so i sit in bed and just brust into tears , stuffed my head in the pillow as i always do,i don't know y i was crying or y i felt like i wanna cry.
i miss lots of things...

i miss my dogs
i miss our family fridays
i miss my old friends
i miss travis mullen
i miss dreaming
i miss feeling blessed from inside
i miss my inner self
i miss myself very much

somtimes i wonder who am i now?

i think i need to cry more tonit

I decided not to be broken by love , i think there is bigger much bigger things that can break a person....when i think of those who lost their families....their lands and dignety, i think again why should someone be broken hearted by someone who doesn't worth.
no one worth

-i've been waiting for ramadan long time...i need those spiritual awesome moments. makes me feel content, and i planned to make it one of my best ramadans ever isA.
it's still passing so weirdly not like the every ramadan, fridays r even weirder....there is no our usual " lamaet el fetar" there is a different lama now new families and new faces , new grandparents , new grandchildren and new aunts =).
pretty new , pretty getting old.



-i don't know why i always dream of ppl who wants to kill me?, and mostly i fighting and trying to protect others sometimes dogs...weird...usualy i die in the end and i feel how death is like mostly.
y am i protecting others and not me? y i don't think abt myself even in my own dreams ?


-tomorrow 1st day at colg and last yr in it too, can't deny my fears but i want to be stronger and stronger than the last yrs.
isA i'll get gayed gedan as my final grade and will get emtyaz in my graduation's project =).
i'm praying to be one of the best journalists and writers , having my own best selling mag. having nobel prize.....

=) i'll go pray

a reply for duon:

well...no poodles anymore =)..they didn't pass away, but if u checked my older posts u'd know tht i had to let them go...well long story better not to recall.

i'm so gratfull for ur trust in me Ali , honestly i still wonder y do u tell me this and u don't know me that much.u didn't read much of my stuff too and actually i do want to send u some of my writtings and take ur opinion...i really appreciate it so much coz i believe u r saying the truth without compliments.

and i remind u of ur self? REALLY? lol u sounded like 30 yrs old saying so, but thnx for such a thing =).
well i still have many to say and many to ask too =D....

thnx alot again for ur care =) now i check my blog every hour to c ur replies =D loool

Sub7an Allah!

i hate it when my parents shout out for nothing, maybe tht's y i grew up hating everyone who shouts or lose his/her temper quickly.
seriously it's a terrible annoying thing.
plz dad...mom..will u plz stop shouting?! coz ur ruining the happieness like this.
i love u but plz stop it !

it's amazing how i can make others happy =) yes i feel i can do tht for real. seeing them smiling laughing and hugging me tenderly is a gr8 feeling.
seeing them all around me makes feel happy...i am happy..really i am.
maybe my mind was little busy...but i was doing my best to be in the mood, sorry if i ruinded it a bit..but thank u for making me happy...being happy is an easy thing to make.
thank you.
i'm happy
i'm glad
i feel good
am i crazy?

the last week was a mixing of happieness and sadness together...1st on wednsday a dear family member passed away...she was like my real grandma as we spend fridays with her as we used to do with my grandparents...all of a sudden she left...i wish i have seens her before going away...or maybe it was better so i don't feel more bad...actually it was weird how i reacted after i knew the news..
we were all sleeping and my sisters were there too...then suddenly i heard my sister dee crying i thought i was dreming so i kept sleeping then i woke up again on everybody's cry... i paniced from bed a ran over to them i found everyone crying.
i don't know but i cried before knwoing the news...then my 2nd sis told me , "teta shafa3a tawfet".
i was paused for a while...sit on a chair and kept silent for few hours with my hands on my head...i didn't cry though...i don't know i felt i am in a long boring dream and i was trying to wake up...tht night was so so long one..thank God it passed.

It's the 1st novel tht ever made me cry...really it was so so touching i never thought it would so THT gr8!
the characters r so deep and touches ur heart, their description , their insides and outs..make u imagine the novel live....
i like tht part in me when i imagine conversations and picture the view as if i'm seeing a film....yeah i'm imaginative and finaly found something nice in me...
back to the point...
it's the 1st time to read something or anything abt afganistan....to know how much they suffered like the other countries...and to know tht they r still suffering.
i feel it's too bad to leave ur country in war time...escaped and live away from ur home..or get killed by one of ur OWN country old friend..hard choice...
the political side was represented within the conflict btw the characters..and the conflict in there inner selves too... so i felt the characters r truly holding more meanings than it shows.
i liked tht he used some arabic and farsi words and good choice in choosing the characters names too...
really i enjoyed reading it...

the holiday wasn't so nice this yr...it's was sooo hot so crowded and kinda boring. it's the 1st time for me not to like it so much...i got sick from the second day...cold :S.
and my heart beats were so tiring *have no idea y* made me feel dizzy actually for a while i thought i was dying... i kinda freaked them out a bit i myself freaked out! coz it's the 1st time to be tht tired...might go to a doctor of the 3rd time!!! and might not! who cares anyways lol.
i was looking forward to come bk home *be fare3'el sabr* i missed everything and felt i stayed for like month !
i thought of surprising my friends with coming bk eariler...but... i don't know was it a surprise or more like a ....i don't know but i couldn't feel them sooo, u know...
whtever..there is something wrong....
i still had little fun there coz i was with my family and relatives we were abt 20 ppl! and most of them were my age and my best friend so i had no chance to feel alone..
i also learned some new things abt my family...
and somehow abt my self...
still little worried abt myself...which i can know wht makes my heart so nervous...i hope it's not from a past thing, i've been having nightmares abt it too....the weird thing is it came all of a sudden...
i'll ask the question again WHT'S THE HELL WRONG!

Today was so weird...it wasn't really as i expected to be...can't deny it made me frustrated.
i just wish to know wht was wrong with all of us...
i hated tht silence.
but something should be done.

lol finally i'm travllin' away and everyone gonna breathe =D *kidding*.....
having a holiday in paradise =)...no tecnology...no anything....i'll sit peacefully meditating thinking abt nothing...
i'll miss my best friends =( my dear band members , my t.s angels =(, i'll miss myself, i'll miss my blog and facebook and silly MSN.
it's not like i'm gonna die..*bas y not just in case* and i know my friends who read this will say "baa3d el shar"... =) it's ok coz it's a sooner or l8er.
ma3lena i wont make it a drama post loool.
back to comedy =D...umm...i don't know wht to say..but i want be better when i get back..i'll just all the pain there and come blank.

a little msg for duon *hope u read it*

i really wanna thank u for still contacting me and reading my nonsense blog =) bgad i apprecitaed tht so much and feel comfort and happy when u reply to one of my posts...i can't deny tht i hated u at 1st when we used to bother eachothers..but u know..things rn't always the way it seems...and really u r one of the best tht i got from the boards...sometimes i wish i can talk to u more and sometimes i wonder y u never came to t.s meetings...yeah i wish to see u too.anyways hope u read this ...and thank you for u words =) good luck.

i was watching hercules *cartoon* when meg said to him..." sometimes ppl do crazy things when they r in love".
and there is a song for bryan adams called "when u love someone"there is tht part were he say..."when u love someone...u'll do all the crazy things..."

is it for real? do we make crazy things when we r in love?....personaly i don't think it would happened to me...do i deserve a risk? or a sacrifice? or someone doing crazy thing just for me??
i think this is only in movies and love songs.... coz i've only seen them and heard them there.

3 things r like Oxygen to me and i carry them along on my life journey

-my pencile
-my notebook
-my camera

i don't know why i love to write things and do handmade stuff for the ppl i love..it's like "guys u mean so much to me so plz don't forget me , and i wish to give u the world..but this is all i can do for now".
loool sometimes i think it's silly....or actually sometimes i'm afraid tht ppl think it's silly...for me it's the best thing i can ever get...i have box full of letters , notes , cards , and small stuff from all of my friends...it leaves a gr8 memory really...even if i don't get the chance to speak with the person again...ppl come and go but the memory remains.
do u remember the gurl from t.s a told u abt b4?....i saw her today...and i wasn't surprised when she said tht she likes to o tht too ! infact i was so happy , so glad and wanted to kiss her and say.."oh u r silly like me!".
loool i wrote her something too, and she read it infront of me *blush*, i hope she read it when she's alone or something..coz i really get sooooo shy ! i have no idea why so but..i don't know...
i was suprised too when i knew tht she reads my blog!...tht's gr8 really...coz i know tht in a way or so...ppl get to read wht i write...even it was in just a blog...even if it's not everyone...even if it's nonesense...and even if they don't comment abt it....but the thing is SOMEONE READS MY WRITING, which make me feel overwhelmed!.

Did i ever mentioned tht i'm a boring person?

ok..i am a boring person

somtimes i feel i'm like drugs...u just get used to it coz it's there....but by time when i'm gone...u wont even remember it.

how does it feel...when u found out tht someone is using u?...and he just hang out with u coz u r they only one there? i hate how ppl think abt themselves only...without caring abt the other damn person's feeling...simply..like a piece of cake!

Do u know tht u make me cry?

or


am i too senstive?

if someone askes me..."wht do u think of shams?"

i'd say for now..

"she's a weird person who act so weird in simple situations! dah! she's so weird!!!!...don't even get close to her ! uh uh...stay away of her!"

seems a bad day from the start...althought i was so excited abt it, but we don't always get wht we wish for. i know it when ppl try to act fine while they r actualy not fine at all!. it's more like "r u mad at me?", the other stops for a while...try to smile and say.."sure....not".
i can't tell ppl when i'm sad....i have no idea y....i just don't tell..i know it's bad but...just me.
i think everyday something proves how terrible person i am...
i wish no one ask me "r u upset?"..coz i don't wanna cry tonit

I fly between my painted pages
All through memories....bittersweet
I seek a change , but i dont know
from what to where....
i follow my feelings
i chase the butterfly of my thoughts
i remember i've seen this in my life before
i remember myself in this memory i recall
time after time
it will vanish into days
as my life seems to fade away...


* another thought that came out of nothing...i wonder wht am i talking abt?!*

I'm confused...some of my friends always tells me how very good friend i am...while others say i'm the worst friend ever!!
i don't know wht to do!
i'm a bad friend coz i don't call
i'm a bad friend coz i don't go out
i'm a bad friend coz i don't give a missed!
i'm a bad friend if i forgot something!!
OH MY GOD!
just me = bad friend i guess....everything i do i'm the one to be blamed!...as if i didn't make anything good to them in my LIFE...then why they r keeping me as a friend!!
i can't make a mistake coz it's like THE END OF THE WORLD!
FINE
I'M BAD
I'M TERRIBLE
WHT THE HELL CAN I DO!
I'M SO SICK OF THIS!

some of the reasons y i love 6 october is the long road, i've always loved long distance..walking or driving...sometimes with a nice company...anyways i just love road trips...i feel i explore myself more and think abt everything...and also look through the ppl around me infact i like watching others...hearing their stories..looking into their eyes as if they were talking to me..need someone to talk to...
i remember once i was returing home and there was tht little cute veil gurl sitting nxt to me all the way...then she started asking questions like..."hwa enty nazla feen?" and some stuff like tht...but i saw sadness in her eyes don't know y...then we went off the microbus and found her still standing beside me..then she spoke again.."miss...robat el gazma beta3tek mafkok..7álby balek la7san 7ad yedoslek 3leh "...i didn't hear her at 1st so asked her to repeat it again...i don't know y i was surprised when she told me so...like..y would someone tell me so!.
again we ride another car togther sitting infron of eachothers...i was looking at her all the way...she kept looking at me too...as if we were having some kinda of eyes talking...
i felt she was afraid to go home..she wanted me to take her with me...almost her eyes was gonna tear..
it was my time to go...so i went down...but she didn't come after me.
i felt i wanted to ask her...r u ok?...r u lost or something?..but i remain silent.

yesterday while going home the driver was gonna fight with one of the passengers..coz he said he was from the police...and shouldn't pay the ticket...
then the driver talked to me"ya 2anesa enty mesh raqba ma3ana mel awel ashahede 3ala 7aga........"
i was happy tht he asked me :D coz i really wanted to say something...so i said.."simply....as long as he has the rit to not pay the ticket...u have the rit to ask him abt his ID tht proves he is from the police!"..... the driver was happy and the other man kept staring at me....and i wanted to tell him"c'mooooon it's just 125 pit.! "
does a one pound worth a big fight btw ppl??....why do ppl make big problems out of nothing!

i said i final word to end it..."salo 3ala el naby ya gam3a...el 7ekaya mesh mestahla".

finaly....

i know i'm gonna be a gr8 journalist one day

p.s: i just remembered a quote

من عاش للناس عاش متعبا و لكن عاش كبيرا و مات كبيرا

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me I want you to know

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taking my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me I want you to know

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

~LinkinPark~

Marina is the worst place i can ever go to... i think i'm the only one earth who hates it... it's like hell!...empty shallow ppl...fake nice places...
it remined me of one of Angel's episode.the one when jasmien came and all ppl saw her extremly beautifull while she's ugliest thing ever!.
if anyone saw el qahura el youm show *the one taken from marina*.
an egyptian up coming engineer...doesn't know who built the greatest pyramid!! he didn't even think of the name 5OFO!.... and he is graduated from handasa??!!
another funky..punky gurl...doesn't know any of the egyptian minsters...
God!!
my mom wanted us to go spend few days there..and i screamed out NOOO...
those kinds of ppl make me feel sick...really sick....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

"killing him self , by not killing him self"

taken from "satuerday night fever", i don't know i just liked the words...

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rahter be anything but ordinary please

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see that this world is this beautiful
accident turbulent suculent
I'm feeling permanent
No way I won't taste it
Dont wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

~Avril lavigne~

one tiring day..but one of the best ever, i never thought i will go along like tht with the new teenstuff writers , actually one of the reason i'm leaving was being with some many new people...but infact they r the reason i might stay, i'm a bit confused abt tht, but i truly loved them and loved working with them all.
althought we our project ranked first but i'm so upset tht i messed it up a little i was the worst infact and it would be almost perfect if i wasn't so tentioned , anyways...i know they were sad but they didn't show it to me , they even tried to left me up =) which was so gr8 of them. i really feel so sorry for ruining it tht way =(.
i'm not sure abt leaving teenstuff or not yet, but i don't want to lose my friends especialy ppl who really means alot to me and touched me so much.
the 1st person is a young gurl tht i mentioned before in one of my posts...the little me (tht's wht i call her), this gurl really proved how simple and amazing she is...she's not just a copy of me, she's even better and much much cutier loool, anyways...she's unforgetable person...just wish some day she'd remember me too =).
the second person...someone i respect ALOT...loved working with ALOT...she was the lead of the group and almost did most of the job...she deserves ranking 1st really...i'm sure she's gonna be something gr8 in the future...i believe in her so much...always remember her =) and hope she does the same.
i have a terrible headache and my brain gonna explode...so i'll take some pills and go to bed :S

~Gratitude~


Thanks for being a part in my poor life

it's funny how things r going on now lol, sometimes i hate to admit things coz i don't believe they r true or at least wont last long , just coz i don't believe tht i deserve it tht much or even worth it.
sometimes a wish not to love people , coz i hate to lose them...i've lost many and i know i'll still lose more...but without living pain in me....coz i'm full.

i know tht my words rn't so understandable...so all i can say tht...i have my reasons...u have yours...and since we r not bothring eachothers with it...so we have the right to keep them for our selves.

it's better this way...

maybe one day....

or maybe in another life...

a moment with my self...

why do i freak out of love?? why do i ever run away and hide whenever someone says he loves me or even likes me??...am i searching for something or is it fear?
afraid to hurt someone...and this would make me hate my self forever.
afraid to get hurt....everyone does hate tht...esp when u trust someone.
afraid to trust someone's words...coz i know promises r hard to be kept.
afraid of commitment.
afraid of responsiblty.
afraid of beening loved by someone who might deserve someone better than me.
afraid to love someone...more than he would.
maybe it's better for me this way...run away of feelings...hide mines and close the door behind it.

if anyone read this , will probably think..."el bet deh mo3kada keda leeh"

and all i can do it...remain silent.

does the word sorry mean anything?..does it really make senses??...is it easy to be said after making a terrible thing to someone...and how abt if tht someone is so close???.
words r loaded pistols...thts right.
i messed up and runind a happy day..made others upset...and simply sent a "Sorry"msg???, is it enf to make it up for wht i said...does it show tht i REALLY didn't mean to say wht i said???.
sometimes i hate the way i love ppl coz it make me feel selfish .
nothing else to say but...stupid me!

The rest of me

I lost a part of me somewhere
I kept searching
Still can’t find it anywhere
I can hear it screaming…
I can feel it breathing
But bleeding
Is it lying between words and scars?
Or is it between broken hearts?
Someone took it away
Leaving me insane
Is it? Did I lose my heart?
Is it the missing part?
What else can be missing inside of me?
Thoughts, feelings or dignity?
Lying down…
My body starts to freeze
With nothing left in me
I may rest in peace


"i couldn't sleep last nit at all...there was so much to think abt... i was gonna blow my mind...but i came with the a point...that 1st love can be forgotten if u found another one who can love u even more than the 1st...worth it!..anyways...i just found those words coming out of mind...couldn't rest wihtout letting it out...really leaving a notebook and a pen beside ur bed it so usefull, and by the moment i held the pen the words just came out the way u r reading it now, i didn't even check it after wrting it.. i don't know wht is it suppose to mean..or wht feelings i'm trying to get out of me..but apparently not happy one"

i was in the taxi when i heard a song by tamer hosni tht says...

محدش فاهم حاجه...محدش حاسس بيه
واحد اتنين تلاته يا عين والباقى مش سائل فيه

i can't remember the words but the song was so deppressing full of sadness and pissmistic , negative thoughts !
why on earth would someone RIT , SING OR COMPOSE SUCH SONG, seriosly it made me hate my self , hate ppl and even wish to DIE... omG!! it is TERRIBLE.
all the song he keeps saying...no one loves me .... no one cares...no one listen....i have no friends bla bla bla...what a pathetic , sick person!...even if some ppl feel like tht , why would he express it and make them feel even worse...
bad bad BAD song...never listen to it

ppl i'm a human too...plz don't push me so much..i need a break seriosly!
u don't know tht i brust into tears when u keep loading me that way!! and u'r not helping at all and then u'r complaining...and even blam me!!!!!

OMG! can't someone shoot me?!!

is it important how i feel?? why i don't care abt my feelings tht much like some ppl do? why do i care abt how others gonna feel?...y do i would let myself hurt just to make others feel better?? eventhough it would make me feel terrible or bad....why? WHY?
and why can't i stop doing tht???!!!! , maybe i love me that way....

for the 1st time i don't feel sad coz i'm getting old....infact when i went to the new t.s workshop...i felt i was like observing others...teenagers...mostly younger than me... i saw tht gurl...cute...short...i kept like watching her...her hopes and dreams... lol her hair...her clothes...evern her relation with her friends...bestfriends...her passion...her face...her smile...i felt i know her...and i kept staring at her so she probably think i'm stupid lol.
anyways... she just reminded me of me when i was her age....
tht was really nice...and i was happy dunno why...
phew...am not making any sense am i?

UR Thoughts + UR feelings = creating ur own future

still it's all as we dream...what we wish for...is what we get

i can´t sleep,
i just can´t breathe
when your shadow is all over me
baby don´t wanna be, a fool in your eyes
´cause what we had was built on lies
and when our love seems to fade away
listen to me hear what I say
i don´t wanna feel the way that i do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see see us apart
i just wanna say it straight from my heart
i miss you...
what would it take, for you to see
to make you understand that i´ll always believe
you and i,
can make it through
and i still know, i can´t get over you
´cause when our love seems to fade away
listen to me hear what I say
i don´t wanna feel the way that I do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see
see us apart i just wanna say it straight from my heart
oh baby i miss you, i do...
´cause when our love always fades away
listen to me hear what I say
i don´t wanna feel the way that i do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see see us apart
i just wanna say it straight from my heart
i miss you, i miss you i do...
i don´t wanna feel the way that i do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see
see us apart
i just wanna say it straight from my heart
oh baby i miss you, i do...

I read this theory before :

we all love to ride the roller coaster in the funfair!! though it's dangerous...might get us killed!..true...but we still ride it...risk....yes...might get hurt....might not...
doesn't that sound like sumthing else??....love maybe???
that's how love goes...don't ask me why lol...
no seriosuly...love...might get hurt and might not...it might not get us killed but it can leave deep wounds and scars...still we can always love again....

do i believe in tht?

oh rit happy birthday me....

wht am i suppose to write here?

Yrs r passing so so quickly, am i getting old?? , 20 yrs isn't OLD but.. i feel i am...maybe coz there wil be some changes...including changing home...it's more like a new start in a new world...spirit? lol...yeah a new spirit maybe?..a new life?? why not... is it still gonna be me?...my inside is still the same..so is my deepest feelings.
sometimes i feel i'm lossing everyone around...am i?...can my dreams still come true?...i still pray...is it the my time to be answered?... still wondering...do i get a happy ending?

Can't sleep in my new room...adabting in the new house is hard..i didn't sleep for abt 2 days!!... new ppl and new system...new start i guess...
new things happened...and still more to be.
will i ever get a happy ending for this year????

some ppl follow their hearts and other follow their mind....which one to be followed??...both is so difficulte can barly be done...

feelings or facts...
words or actions..
dreams or reality...

both r needed...


but when it comes to love...which one u'll follow???

Some ppl break you...
and block you...do they care?...no?
so...
does tht means u have to cry over them?, do they deserve it?
No?
yes..NO

i feel sometimes i'm not supposed to be here..too hard to struggle alone in this world...i wanna go home...
The angels around me makes me still here....

am i nuts?

first time to write in arabic...and maybe the last...simply coz my arabic is #*@!#$$@$#$#$ TERRIBLE.
i felt i wanna write it tht way...anyways...
i'm tired... better go to sleep..and better keep busy coz i'm tired of thinking...

اول سنه كليه دى بتبئى غاريبه اوى عشان الواحد بيسستيم نافسو على حاجات جديده كتير.... اهمها البس الخارجى بس على مر السنين الواحد هيلائى نفسه ممكن يلبس نفس البس لمدة اسبوع كامل و ده يا عينى لائنو بكون محتاس فالمشاريع و الابحاث الى ما بتخلسش , لا ده فى ناس كويس اوى انهم بيلحئو يخسلو وشهم الصبح. (مالو يونى فورم المدرسه الى ذى الفل الواحد كان بيلبس نفس اللبس بس على اقل كان بيغيروا و يغسيلو).

تانى حاجه ممكن نلاحظها الغياب و الحضور هتلائى نفسك بتحضر و تلتزم بمزاجك بس بالعافيه فعلا و ده الجديد الاتنين فى و احد , يعنى هما عاملين الغياب ده مش حاجه ملزم بيها بس بعد كده هتتدبس فى درجات اعمال السنه زى حضورك كده و غير كمان انك هتحتاس حوسه مهببه و تبوس ايد الشطار عشان تصور منهم الكشكول او عشان حتى يشرحولك حاجه و طبعا متنساش ان المصرين بتوع الفزلكه يعنى ممكن يحطولك منهج جديد اصلا.

نجيى بئة على الدكترة و الدكترة دول انواع:

فى دكتور عنده ضمير زى ضمير ابله حكمت زمان كده و ده بيكون عاوز يفهم الطالب بأى شكل بس مشكلتوا حجتين انو اولا منهجه طويل اوى و ثانيا هيئرفك فى الدرجات

فى دكتور هدفه الاساسى بيع الكتب بأى شكل و بأى وسيله و صدقنى هتشتريه يعنى هتشتريه

فى دكتره رايئه جدا و ده ممكن يخش يسألك هوه انا بديكوا ايه؟ او انتوا سنه كام؟ و ده لازم تعذره لان مشغولياته كتيره يا حرام مش بئيده برده و بصراحه ده كتيره اوى تشوفوه مرتين فى السنه مره يئولك المنهج و مرة يؤلك الحاجات الملغيه

فى دكاترة استغلاليه يعنى يحبك و يعزك اوى و يديك اعمال سنه فله مش بعيد كمان يخليك تحط الامتحان بتاع الدفعه بتاعتك و كل ده عشان تلخصله حاجات او تعمله بحث و لا حته تترجمله حاجه خاصه بشغله عشان يترقى بيها و يبئه دكتور مساعد و لا مش عارفه ايه

فى دكتره مش مؤدبه تدى الدرجات على حسب درجه جمال البنت و طبعا بيموتوا فى السهوكه و اللبس المدندش و بصراحه النوع ده بيضحك جدا

فى دكاترة متخصصين فى الكروته يئلبلك المنهج فى اسبوعين و يعملك ملزمه 200 صفحه و سبحان الله قدرته قادر شرح ال 200 صفحه امته؟؟ العلم عند الله

فى نوع اخير بئه مالوش حل... يكرهك فى نفسك و فى الماده و فيه هوه كمان مش بيخش محاضرة غير لما يطلع عينك و عين الدفعه و يا ويلك يا سواد ليلك لو سألك و معرفتش تجاوب ... ما فيش داعى اكمل احسن... بس على الفكرة الدكتور بيعتقد ان بالطريقه دى هيخليك احسن و يخليك واحد فعلا بتفهم بس يا عينى مايعرفش انوا ممكن يئلب مع بعض الطلاب بعقده نفسيه فى المستقبل

الدكاترة دول فعلا شغلانه لوحدهم هوه المفرود ان دكتور ده يعنى حاجه راقيه و مستوى ثقافى مالوش حل و ليه شنه و رنه فى المجتمع و لا ايه " بنتى لازم تتجوز دكتور" !.. بلا نيله ده المدرسين بئو احسن دلوقتى .. انا مش بئول ان الدكاترة كلهم و حشين بس يعنى الى يعيش ياما يشوف و هوه اكيد برده كا حاجه ليها سبب يعنى اكيد الدكتور الوحش ده حد كان طلع عينه عشان كده بيطلع عين الطلابه و هو اختلك لى اخيك الاعذار حتى 70 عذرا فان لم تجد فلعل هناك عذرا لم تجده بعد

I have to be strong...keep my faith...it's not people's fault tht they can't feel the way i feel....i they don't get it...and i can't be compared with others.
i'm not dreaming...
it's not fake...
it wasn't....

ya Rab

Confusion...

am i right?
am i wrong?
am i lossing my self?
or am i still strong?
am i lossing my principles??
is it the right way??
am i going too far?
am i being sumone else?..or is it ME.
am i changing into a monster?
is it gonna be a new start?
is it my time to glow?
is it right to do stuff...to let other things go?
i hope it end in a happy way...
i hope it end right..
give me a sign please..
i need to be guide

i don't know y r the pills rn't working probably!!! , i can't stand those fast beats i have!! they r so annoying...
maybe i should change tht heart pills....or go to a new doctor?!

u knw wht...

maybe there is nothing wrong with my heart!!

For you...

I wrote you this

Although u r not gonna read it

but u know how i feel

you have been...

and you'll always be...

a very special part of me

it's too hard to let go...

i know..

and you know..

we'll be together

you and me..

forever..

in our hearts...

deep inside...

till one day, when we can be

together..like before

i was talking with my sister , when she asked me.."how is ur romantic life going?". i looked at her for a while then i answered.."umm..nothing..i'm just single lol , and i think it better for me to stay tht way "i loled. she looked at me puzzled,"y would u say such a thing? u r so young for tht". "i don't know"..i answered..."i think i'm not so much suitable for such relationships..maybe it's a matter of trust…fear?..or i just lost my feelings..sumtimes i feel i'm feelingless..am not like before, even when i used to lock my heart...i was waiting for the endless relationship..and my charming Mr. anonymouse...but now i don't feel it anymore,maybe it was meant for me to be alone…”
my sister is still lookin at me with a stunned face…
I tried to say sumthing chilly so I said,”c’monn I have a busy life over here…all I’m concentrating in is my career and future , did u forget tht ur little sis is gonna be the best journalist and have her own best selling mag….and offcourse…I wont have much time when I go get my noble prize!!...”
I felt she was like…*yeah…rit*
But she said..”wht on earth would make u feel tht way abt ur self?”.
“nothing really”, I replied…”it’s just life u know…”, “y do u sound like a divorced woman with 2 kids? Lol” she said.
“nooo , no way I’d sound like tht =D”.
“well u gave me the feeling tht u r a 35 yrs old woman “.
“don’t worry lol, I’m forever young”.
“yes Miss 20!!!”.
“look who is talking Mrs 23 =D lol!!”.
“anyway young lady..i’m praying for u =)”.
“I know…and I appreciate tht…just don’t tell mom abt our little talk coz she might think I’m nuts or sumthing =D”.
“you are =D..but don’t worry”.

:S uhoh…THE FOOD IS BURNING…

Why of all the people its me??? , or am i the one doing tht to my self , so much confusion , so much unknown feelings...

betrayed??
unappreciated??
or just a freak??....

fairy tales rn't suppose to end this way...it's not how it meant to be....

wake up!

WAKE UP!!

y i don't wanna wake up????!!!

Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with so many questions all these years
Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally

This isn't how it's really meant to be
No, it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally

Is this how its really meant to be?
no, this isn't how its really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away,
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side?

If I had one single wish

Id go back to the moment I kissed

You goodbye no matter how hard I tried

I can't live without you in my life

Maybe you’ll say you still want me

Maybe you’ll say that you don't

Maybe we said it was over

Baby I can't let you go

I walk around to understand

Where we went wrong and I can't pretend

It wasn't me, it wasn't you

But I'm convinced we gave up too soon

Maybe you’ll say you still want me

Maybe you’ll say that you don't

Maybe we said it was over

Baby I can't let you go

Nothing left to lose

after losing you

There's nothing I cant take

When I run to you, when I come for you

Don’t tell me I'm too late

Maybe you’ll say you still want me

Maybe you’ll say that you don't

Maybe we said it was over

Baby I can't let you go

Enrique Iglasis : Maybe

i'm not there, but i'm still around
nothing changed the way i felt
and nothing will ever do
no one really crossed my mind
i still can't get over you

i thought of ending up the connection
thought it's working
but still not for me
and this thing graped your attention
made you still remember me

someday you'll know
that i'm only away for you
and eventhought i'm not there
but i'm still around
i'm still with you

for me ,you are always here
i keep you safe in my silent tears

i wish i could be there all the time
in the bad, like i was in the good
i wish it was the way i want
wash away all the pain if i could

but still it's better that way
it's better i'm not there

still, i'm around
still, i care

A BIG SURPRISED HAPPENED YESTERDAY , MY SIS YASMEEN GAVE BIRTH TO THE MOST ADORABLE BABY BOY EVER!!!

OMAR

omG! he's such a tiny cute angel =) , i'm so overwhelemed it was all of a sudden thing. elhumdolelah they r both well.
wht a day!!! everything went so quickly, i was with my bestfriend when i got a call from mom saying " yasmeen fel mostashfa 3ashn e7tmal twled enhrda!! ana ray7alha" , i don't how i put on my veil and RUN OFF like a thunder lol , i caught her b4 entering the operation room elhumdolelah and we stand infront of it, after a big while we heard a baby cry =), mom was almost gonna faint =D (mesh 3arfa leeh fel mawaqef deh mesh bykon 3andi dam 7'ales lol i was only waiting and praying =D while everyone else teared =D loool)
elhumdolelah =) i'm now an auntie for 2 angels ( LOJAYN AND OMAR ) my beloved.
rabena yekrmhom ya rab.
and 3o2ablkom =D

Dear my love,
haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love,
haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own

Take my hand
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there...

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you now

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

it's a strange day...i woke up feeling sad, almost crying...i don't know why but i feel something bad happened or going to....
my heart is beating really fast....tht's a bad sign....rabena yostor bgad...coz last time i felt tht way...my granie died =(
a nightmare.....
tht's bad isn't it, i'm sry to share this bad feeling here but i just felt like i wanna write it up for my self.

it's my 1st experiance on stage, but it was a gr8 one...though it's tirying but it was so much fun , seriously i was dying the past 2 weeks, i go at 8am and come back at 10 or 11 pm !! tab3an kont badele2 3ala el serer bedon ay nekash !!!

i learnt many many new things to do most of all carpentry!! lol can u believe tht! , i have tht pic me sawing a BIG wood loool * no way i'll show it to anyone =D* i colored some of the decorations too...and i had colors ALL OVER ME =D

i loved making lots of things in the play. i made 2 roles with my voice (a little gurl ) and a prince called (Fares)..lol totaly different i know...but it was so great..esp tht day we went to record in the studio!! 1st time to be there...actually it was the 1st time to do everything!!...

the hard part was making the puppets and learning puppetry, till now i can't believe tht i MOVED ONE =) and it was my best of all...my prince Fares el forsan lool , i loved moving it tht i wanted to take it home with me =D really i loved tht puppet, i don't know y maybe coz it's with my voice...

i also made a very cool presentation and they loved it awi awi awi....

besra7a i'm so proud of my self , esp tht our lead told us tht we will performe it in culture wheel and masra7 el 3arayes isA...

the very best part was when my family and friends attened the play...tht made me overwhelmed , except for some ppl who couldn't made it =( like my dad...i wished they were there too...bas isA in the nxt show

I hate it when ppl say " i can do it , i can do it!!" , and just a mint, after..."well...ummm..uhhhh...i'm not so sure esra7a".....BET2OL LEEH MEN EL AWEL!!!!!
tht's wht he always do to us (grrrr)...yes the guy i was talking abt in my previous post!!!.
he is just someone u can't count on at all!!!..all he do is talk talk and bla bla bla talk!!!!....and i'm really sick of this!!!!. can't anyone stop tht guy!!!.

i think i'm the one who should hold my temper alittle bit, this week is so tiring , awful , short and EXHAHUSTED.
i'm tired of the many things i have to do in short time.
i'm tired of how angry my friends makes me.
i'm tired of yelling at them (and dah! they still don't listen)
i'm tired if being asked to do STUFF and STUFF for others
i'm tired of everything...... i need a break.
tired...
tired...
tired....

bas keda for today

I ask my self this question alot...and really wish to ask it to tht person whom i hate at colg, really...enta 3abet yabny ???
i hate to hate someone or even just dislike him/her but tht boy drives me nuts...sometimes i feel i wanna kill him!!.
whenever we talk...he raises my temper and i just wish to scream at him as much as i can....he's a lier and pretender and wht we say here....3ayesh el door we 3amel nafso 7aga.
and i hate this kind of ppl esp when it's a guy...
i already quarlled with him abt 2 or 3 times.....and looking for more...esra7a it's more like...batlakeklo =D
rabena yehedeh ya rab....we i hope tht he MOVE not only from colg but from the whole WORLD.
he makes me so angry and sick.....i'm sure tht one of us will cry at the end of the year =D.
can u imagine tht I GET ANGRY!!!
ufff....i don't know wht's wrong with my blog..i can't sign in from home but i can from aother places :S...hope i can fix tht soon...
if anyone knew a solution plz plz tell me

Hard disicions must be taken sometimes , when u know it will make others feels better...
i hate to make anyone feel bad....maybe what they did was bad , but making others suffer for feeling guilty is considered a terrible thing to make.
that is why i have to make big steps even though it would hurt me after it...
i know i can handle my pain , but others can't tht would even hurt me more.
i'm sure that what i did is the best....
and i still have hope and big faith in God...the one who joined us...can join us togther again...
i wont be surprised....really sub7an Allah... it's true that kalb el mo2men bayn asba3yn men yada al Ra7man yoklbhoma kayfama yasha2.
i still keep my promises...
and as forgiving...it's something that i already did long ago....we r humans...we make mistakes.
i'll pray for a better tomorrow.
and i'm sue it will be.

-annoying people
-talktive people
-zananeen people
-quite people
-mean poeple
-very very very kind people
-cold people
-shouting people
-always angry people
-fast lossing their temper people
-interfering people
-people who hate them selves
-people who keep telling me wht to do
-controlling people
-people who keep insulting
-3ayshen fel dor people
-loud voice people
-poeple who makes me feel i'm stupid
-"i know everything" people
-lying people
-faking people
-aggressive people
-disgusting people
-harming animals people
-poeple who don't think before speaking
-people who misjudge people
-tenken people (esp those who says " yaaaay balady")
-be2a people
-poeple who don't listen to people
-people who always think they are right

-being shy
-i feel i'm always embarrassed
-shouting at someone
-forgiving and not forgeting
-being worried
-being un tidy
-sometimes forget my self and act as if i'm a princess
-living in fantasy
-getting up set if i couldn't make something
-sacrifising
-hiding my anger or deppression
-exploding like a bome after hiding them
-over reacting
-being over sensetive
-lossing my temper
-loving things or people more than they deserve
-not acting fast in shocks
-being kind
-being mean
-zanana
-bashbat besor3a
-hating my self sometimes

Some ppl pass through ur life leaving a strange feeling inside of u , that makes u search for them all ur life...that person who left u up and made u toch the stars.
that is y we have an empty space in our hearts...waiting for him to fill it up. but sometimes we stop and think... when r u gonna come? missed u big time.
then you keep cry for his absence..cry for how u feel lonely in this , while many friends and family are around you...
but there is just tht thing tht still missing inside u, u miss the feeling of stroking ur head gently , or a soft kiss on ur forehead.
some whispers in ur ears " hey, it's ok now ", " i'm here"..."shhh i don't wanna c ur tears, though u look beautifull when u cry".
u think about all these thoughts in the late night , while ur looking out side ur window.
wipe your tears then go to sleep and your mind is still thinking...

As i discoverd tht i'm annoying person who likes to get many many things i thought of writing down all the things i wish to have one day or another....

- Nokia 7373 (tht mobile was made for me =D )
- a new bow and some strings for my violen
- a new bag for my violen
- blue high lights in my hair
- meshray rashed Cd's (all the holly Quraan ones)
- pulp fiction movie
- the wall movie (pink floyed's)
- a new chair with wheels for my desk
- some nice designing programs (for layouts and so)
- angles and demons (by: dan brown)
- some sweet valleyhigh's stories
- desiny's cartoons (hope to get all of them , i have just some..i adore cartoons yay)
- buttercup slippers
- all rocky's movies
- laklok or kloklo...i don't wht's called but it's tht slippers u wear while ur sleeping to cover ur legs lol
- play station 2 (my dream)
- kick boxing gloves
- kick boxing sand box
- a new roller blades (mine r too small now and i miss skatting)
- yuna's doll
- a jansport bag
- a pink sunglasses
- a pink eyeglasses
- a silver braclet with my name onit
- a blue citroeen C3 car

maybe i'll add some more

I hate it when people leave without saying they will...1st they attract u to them then....bye bye without saying it...that the most thing i hate coz i'm easily attracted to others , and hang on deeply...it's maybe a good thing maybe not...
i think it's not, coz as i said i hate it when they just vanish...then all of a sudden they apear again , i know they might be busy or so...but 5 mins isn't so hard to make esp. if they do care abt you.
some ppl did tht to me...and now i don't talk with them any more, i have my reasons and ways as they had theirs.
plz if someone wanna leave , just say so don't leave me hanging with no clue wondering wht's wrong or if u died or wht! coz i really get worried.
tht's not so hard to ask for is it ?

Wht i won from teenstuff boards was a larg group of friends , caring , loving and everything u can want in friendship =), no it's not just words...but they shinned my life in a way.
i know they rn't younger than me so much...but i feel tht i'm responsible for all of them...they became a part of my life,as if they were my family...tht's y i feel i must take care of them as much as i can...always be there whenever they needed me...they r not just friends (sounds weird, yes)...but as i said they filled up my life...maybe coz i never had a little bro or sis..mostly i was the youngest among my friends and family....
i'm really glad whenever i'm with them, and so happy tht they love me too , they always make me smile and cheer me up without knowing i'm upset =).
it's a gr8 feeling coz now i know tht when i die , there will be some ppl who will remember me forever.they r some of the best ppl ever =) and i'm lucky.
once i was told from a friend tht, i touch ppl's heart and leave a sign in them forever =) tht i was so sweet of him, i hope it can be true.
i thank God for giving me this...in fact i always love to say a do3a2 in my prayers tht make me calm and happy it says" Allahum 2erzokny 7obak wa 7ob man 2a7abk wa 7ob 3amlen yokrebony el 7obak", and i feel tht this prayer is answered =)
Thank you God.

I don't know...
am i too late ?
or it just the rite time
i only believe it's fate
who lead us to know eachothers
i don't know...
did we fell in love?
were we only friends?
i knew one day
that it's gonna ends
i don't know...
how you simply took me away from the world
to somewhere far...
somewhere beyond
all in a sudden
just like this...
i became a princess
and you were my prince
in a big fantasy palace
i was wearing a long pink dress
where we danced all night
though u were wearing black...
u looked so bright
was it coz the star i pinned in ur suit?
oh! i never told u..
it made u look so cute
i don't know..
tht way u looked at me
made me dream of this fantasy
now u will go without knowing this
wihtout knowing how much
ur gonna be missed.

* ok i was suppose to write a poem for march issue , it was suppose to be related to mother's day and so... so my mind was so clear i couldn't think of a new idea....so i decided to just hold my pen and start writing wht ever i feel...wht ever inside....loool and tht is how exactly tht poem was written...lol i'm not even sure it's a poem...and aparently it's AWAY of mother's day =D...after i realized tht it's not good for march at all....i thought a little and wrote the other poem u'll read just after this post , and it was a new nice idea..just hope i wrote it good enf , as i felt this one"

From a mother and a baby's diaries

I heard her voice calling my name
i saw her tears falling like rain
i looked to her with a smile
and started to sing a lullaby
she finaly fell asleep
but when i was about to go
she started to weep
i came in again, stroked her head
i leaned to kiss her,
and slept beside her in bed
-------------------------------------
i relaxed when i felt her near
she hugged me tenderly
that i lost my fear
my little hands were over her face
my head over her chest
that made me feel ease
i wish i can grow up and say:
"i love you dear mother"
and " happy mother's day"

p.s: inspired by lojayn =)

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?"
"Isn't someone missing me?"
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something.......
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

by: Evanescense

I put my hands inside and felt
something soft with a beautifull scent
i held it up to see
what this soft thing would be?
i smiled when i held it close
it was a pretty red rose
it's a simple way
which carries alot of meanings
without thinking of words to say
it can easily express your feelings
i kissed it slow and gentle
for what it meant was so sentimental
i looked again inside the box
and found a little card
i opened it and read:
" i love you"
in a big , painted heart
what a rose and a card can really be
when they leave a memory inside of me

* this's the poem i wrote for feb. they changed it a bit...but i actually love the real one more =)*

some ppl really thinks tht they live in america coz it's " cool". wht does tht word mean anyways...to be COOL guy or gurl.
saying words like...A** or F*** or WTF or kick A**...is something cool
wearing t.shirts with weeds on it or fingers or some of the previouse words....is something cool
dancing togther, arms around eachothers....c'mon don't be narrow minded...it's cool


but......



saying one of thoese words in arabic..... is to2 to2 to2 3eeeeeeeeeeeb enta 2alel el 2adab, how dare u say such a thing!

however....

i don't know how could someone ever say these stuff easily.... how come tht tiny little thingie called tongue say these stuff while it worshipe God in prayers (4 those who pray).
wht does tht have anything to do with being COOL , or i'm the one who has undertood this word wrongly.....
i know other ppl will say.....wenty malek hwa enty ely bet2oly........
but i feel so bad when ever i hear or read these things...sometimes makes me wanna cry....when i walk in the streets i just put my headphones on and hear music loud so i don't hear ppl saying these stuff....nowdays it is like saying hello....or how r u to someone....
but u know i respect the americans when they say these stuff....coz they r not showing off...and they r not just making another copy of nonsense...

as u can c it's 5 am in the morning....so don't ask me wht wakes me up and made me write this post coz i have no clue....

some one wise said " it's not a broken heart tht kills....but broken pride". i believe he's right , coz u can always fix ur heart with loving someone else...but wht would u do when someone break ur pride...? , tht's hard isn't it. when someone just walk away and say..." sorry ur not good enough for me.." wht the hell is tht ! , i don't know wht r ppl looking for.... money? fame?? flashy tittles , i mean do gurls have to be Paris Hilton and guys have to be Tom Cruse to be the perfect match for our kids ( the so called man and the so called lady).
oh plz...never heard of humilation b4?
i don't know when r u gonna wake up and c tht we r all human...and actually God wont judge u with how much money u got or if ur graduated from Colombia uni. or wht so ever....
life can be more simple than tht...if don't keep these stupid complications in it.
oh plz sometimes i feel i wanna scream in everyone...actually i thought tht these kinds of ppl were all gone since the 70's lol, but aparently some r still alive lol.
all i can say is...enjoy ur fancy life...

Exams r done and all i can say is..rabena yostor , so lets see wht i can do in the holiday to keep my self busy as much as i could. keepin busy keeps me away of negative thinking and thinking abt stupid stuff , feelings era ends for me....and open a new practicle world.
ok...so i'll go to tht workshop with one of my prof. from colg , we r gonna make a play with the marionette dolls i guess...tht will be totaly exhausting but gr8 coz i don't think i'll have time to sleep lool will be working alot really....
plus we r suppose to move this holiday too , so i'll b busy with tht too.
ofcourse my writing things tht will take plenty of time too...
then the all new semster and i'll die in colg one more time.
uhhhh....
it's a beautifull life.

I was studying with my friend mona today ( we were suppose to be studying but we kept talking more lol) and we came out with a theory hehe:

1- When a guy says" my mom...." : he's a sissy boy or in another word * beta3 mamto awi*

2-when a guy says" give it a try....." : don't listen to tht =D or in a better way NEVER.

3- when a guy says" i want to be honest with u..." : sorry but don't believe him

4- when a guy birthday is in the same month of urs: balash a7san =D


well, this theory was made after long laughing and too much of pepsi cans =D , but we some how knew it's true maybe with not all of guys...but plenty numbers of them =D

Dear Mohamed:

tht's really funny i don't know why i'm riting u a letter in my blog =D loool , just thought tht u'd be reading it anyway , coz i'm not sure tht u check ur emails.
so all i wanted to say is WHRE R U? u disappeared =D.
ok, i hope ur fine and everything....missed ur comments over here =) *ur the only one who comments aslan loool* really thank u for tht =).
well , hope everything is ok coz i'm a bit worried actually.
waiting for ur appearance soon
hope u did well in exams
t.c

ur: Shams

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything

And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to.
do you have to
do you have to let it linger

And I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger

You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
do you have to let it linger


*nothing big just cranberries r my best ;) *

i've been feelin' down , crying everyday with no reason . somethings confuses me mind long time ago , i went to shahinaz (oh i wanted to c her so much, damn! i feel lonely without her).
i like it when i throw my self in her shoulders and cry deeply from my heart , i can feel her hearts beats talking to me saying :" it's ok, i'm over here..just beside you."
she made me feel much better , as she told me the words i always wanted to hear , the truth tht i was dying to know , althought it kills me more from the inside but better than to live in a fake fairy tale.
now i should be in the recovery stage , gathering my self up again , letting all the old days go as if they never happened.
i'm just glad of how i felt today.
and i thank the ppl who loves me for who am i , the ppl who loved me without flashy titles or a million dollars in the bank. most of all i'm happy with my self coz i'm atleast a human being and tht is a feelings tht some other creatures doesn't know the value of.
finally i'd thank God milllion times for being there with me , guiding me to the right direction no matter wht his poor humans says abt me just damn them !.
i'll try to start a fresh new start as the new yr does

Happy 2007

Once upon a winter

there was a time where the sun and earth met, in a cold march day it was raining....

earth was nearly dead but sun saved him and warmed him up with her rays.

he woke up on her smile and they both walked btween the stars.... they never stoped talking abt their dreams ,their hopes and their sorrows.

from this point the both knew tht they should rejoin and unite themselves togthere , but they both were confused she is a sun and he is earth it's hard 4 a 2 different worlds to be togther there will be many things facing them r they ready enf for them?.

earth calmed her down and kissed away her worries and pain, sun didn't want to believe him...but the look in his eyes made her feel safe.

they both 4got their worries and their old pain disolve away...both completed one another...she with her love rays and he with his warm care... she forgot she was sun and he forgot he was earth as if they were a one new creature. they walked away from their world and build their own one fantasy one.

after sometime, both lost directions ,confusion and worries came back , earth realized tht he IS earth and she is sun , he tried to tell sun but she's the one who was trying to comfort him this time he walked btw the stars and clouds he kept thinking and thinking , till he took a decision by him self without sharing it with sun and told her tht he'll be bk to his world without saying anyother word and left her with a question mark...

he walked away , away from her till the nxt winter came and another more 2, and the memory of sun vanished..

earth moved on in the world of real passing by stars and planets he became more light and full of life and shined brightly btw the others.

he never knew tht sun was all over around him giving him all the light and warm he needs and pouring some rain from her tears , he never knew tht the rainbow was becoz of her (after he left her she turned into red and lost her rays but the space saved her and the rainbow was due to her blood and tears )

tht was the end of two different worlds who can never be united except in fantasy , the sun can never touch the earth....