Sunday, December 28, 2008

=( it's too bad to start a new year so much pain and tears...what happeneds in gaza tears up the heart..
i hate it when i see it on TV it makes me feel i wanna jumb into the screen and scream at everyone..i also found out tht many ppl r killed around the world but we don't know anything abt them..
this disgrace humanity
no one deserves to die no matter how bad or good they were..
sometimes i hate the fact tht i'm a human being, so far all i do is tht i stand , watch, write and pray..
i hope i can be forgiven for tht
Rabena's so hard to live in such fear, the fear of sleeping and never wake up and the fear of losing a beloved one infornt of u...

God be with u gaza ='(

i wish the new yr wouldn't b much full of blood

Thursday, December 25, 2008

life is one big damn lie, it's funny how ppl simply walk away they would do ANYTHING to stab you from your back and lol abt it..and there is only one time "choice":

- bend and beg and be pathetic loser
- be cold harsh and tough and don't give a damn..nothing really maters
- get over it with no comment and shut up for the rest of ur life
- hate ur self forver and keep regreting tht u were even born!
- be in an endless confussion...which one u should pick

i'm totally messed up :s and now out of my mind

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The fake princess of fake

You build your own castle of sand
Full of all your dreams and thoughts
Out there you sit on your throne
You sit there all alone

The princess of fake
There she hides in her fantasy world
Behind the broken hearts
Beyond the hopeless dreams

The castle is empty,
Nothing but a garden
With the trees of black roses
And her teary, blooded sea

The place is full of solitude
She doesn't let anyone in
She doesn't show her weakness
She only shows her faking strength

Laying down under the rain
With her head under her hands
Letting no one to feel her pain
Carrying her sorrow on her back

She seems fine and everything is alright
While she's hurt and broken inside
On her throne where no one can see her
She bends and cries all night

The princess of fake
There she hides in her fantasy world
Behind the broken hearts
Beyond the hopeless dreams

She broke the habit one day
She decided to end it her way
She fell apart in her teary sea
And that was her last note
Signed as "the princess of fake"

* now i'm back on the poetry track...i just wrote tht today..and so glad i did*

Sunday, December 14, 2008

i've always thought tht writing is the best way to deal with shocks maybe tht's y most of my poems and thoughts r full of sadness..
it's the 1st time now tht i can't deal with a shock, i found my self so out of words like a numb person.
sometimes we wish tht we'd die or tht we were never born...and tht's how i feel.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

how would it feel like..
when u read in the news tht someone died in a terrible accident.
u remain stunned for a while..and u find ur self crying...and u go like" oh! tht girl was my friend at school'
we weren't so close friends...but we were friends enough tht i still have some memories.
y do ppl keep talking even after the person's death?, y can't we realize tht it's not us who should judge, it's God ppl!!!!! so leave the judging alone... who we are to say tht this person deserves to die and tht person doesn't!

maybe she was good..and maybe she was bad, i don't care!...all i know is tht she was a human..a girl who went to my same school..and who was in my same class for 3 yrs.

انا لله و انا اليه راجعون
و حسبى الله و نعمه الوكيل

God rest ur soul heba...i'm praying for u with my heart

Monday, November 24, 2008

My talking bothers ppl
my silence bothers ppl
tht's y i wish to vanish
y can't you b there without asking for the reasons?
y can't u answer the questions ur accusing me with?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

it feels like i'm alone in a dark room with one tiny candle that glows and glooms at the same time..can anything carries a contradict to itself?
sitting at the corner with my hands on head...i can't feel more words..that's y i don't rit.
my soul is slowly turning numb.
i'm typing this as i close my eyes....(stop).....(think).....(can't find anything else to rit abt now)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

yesterday i went to my one of my best friend's wedding, she looked awesome..the wedding was gr8...and all through the wedding my mind kept recalling our old days...
God! what such memories we days and yrs passed and we disappeared...then i found us gathering in her wedding...all grown up but with the same face and the same spirit.
it was amazing to c us all through these ages...still gathering.
I really love you so much, and wish you all the happeniess in the world.
thanks for bringing us up to such a gr8 event.

seeing the 3 of us once again....was a day to be cherished.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

we can be our worst enemies and those are the ones we can't defeat.
the conflict btween our inner selves is never seatled down...

Sunday, November 09, 2008

sometimes it's better not to talk abt wht bothers you, it might coz more might hurt someone
so u'd better b in ur own pain forever niether healed nor forgotten. maybe by days u'll get over it, it's only a matter of time.
it's not love tht can only hurt...but sometimes friendship's love can b even harder.
God! i'm still in my babling mood..

p.s: God knows how much i miss you.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Monday, November 03, 2008

now the world is a bit darker in my eyes..either it went wrong, or i'm the one who got it all wrong from the start.
now we r crumbling.....
i never thought it would hppened tht fast...or even happened this way.
i swear i tried...everything i could, but ur still drifting away and slipping my hands from yours.
you should have told me from the start
that you'll leave me with a broken heart.

Friday, October 31, 2008

nothing still the same, everyday we loss someone in some way...everything change around me including still hurts and ppl still break our hearts.
i stop for a while and think...where did i go wrong?
i am a demanding , irritating and sometimes even boring...
i'm sorry....
maybe it's better to leave everyone alone...maybe it's time to step aside to make no more damage...everyone's happy in his own path...
i admit i can't accept some facts....i can't shut up and just watch
so my existence wont make things any good...wont mean alot
i was uasual....
life is still life...
and i'm still babling

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I can be out of my mind especially when I'm alone, yesterday when I was about to cross the street going back home, I found myself standing for a while I just kept staring at the cars moving so fast. There was that taxi coming far away…I have no idea y I kept standing waiting till it's closer and I wondered "am I going to make it to the other side?"…I was like hypnotized or paralyzed.

So as the taxi was so close…I started running to the other side…feeling the pumping of adrenaline in my veins and sweating although it was cold…and the fast sound of lupdub.

Hopefully I made it safely to the other side of the street *Thank God* and I heard to sounds…one like a human voice saying" u nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts" and the other was the taxi horn which went along with the voice " beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb !".

I have no idea what was I thinking! Probably not killing myself, maybe I was only encouraging myself to save the money and buy a car or I thought about avril lavigne's song "nothing but ordinary" where she said "sometimes I drive so fast just to fear the danger" I wasn't really driving…but running is close too

Well isA I'll get the car in few months I won't need to do this again *I hope*

Friday, October 17, 2008

Thursday, October 09, 2008

i've already felt numb long time ago...i don't want to end up feelingless

love can be killed by love... sometimes too much love can choke love that you can't even feel it or end it up..

why there is a dark side of everything...


is it or is it not the dark side that is larger?
this is not the point point is tht there IS and there SHOULD be a dark side, coz without it we can't feel the good one, we wouldn't feel happiness without feeling sadness.
it also explian the theory of GOOD and EVIL, i think life without evil would b boring that you wont be able to feel the good...
i know and babling and non will get wht i wanna say...but tht is coz it's wasn't a good day so far

i apologize if i sometimes seem harsh...but i hate it being's sometime i reach the extreme...sorry that i'm human

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

wooow i finaly got paid for the 1st time ^^...i took my 1st salary yesterday, and felt so gr88888888888
i couldn't stop thinking of how am i gonna spend the money!!!

yaaaaay me!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

i don't wanna sleep coz these bad thoughts starts to appear and when i wake up i keep thinking about them.
i wish i can change them, i wish i can stop thinking about them..
i hate the fact tht i'm tht weak
i hate the fact tht i kinda lost my passion
my inspiration...
i hate the fact tht i'm almost stop writing..even my nonsense stuff

Friday, September 26, 2008

1st day at's wasn't so hard...i have my own desk / laptop and even mobile..but this thing is there is nothing i feel REAL...i'm not the kind who'd site on desk..i love to move and interact with others...i'm happy coz i'm learning something new...but i know i wont last tht long too.
anyways today was...elhamdolelah...sha3'al tht's all i can say for now...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

now wht's wrong with me??? i wish i could know..i kinda feel i'm out of mind, i don't even rit like before... i guess i really want to be with myself for a while. i hate the fact tht sometimes i feel tht weak..tht weak tht i can't do wht i love...
i hate tht

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

i feel stapped...i heard the most shocking thing in my life it hit me hard with a knife.i couldn't sleep since...
i can't stop thinking
and still dont know wht to do
i can't stop crying whenever i feel how paralised am i
i never felt so weak
never thought it would come to best friend

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm so sad tht i missed a school best friend's wedding...=(
it was really out of my hands and till now i'm still upset, i wish i was there catching such moment. anyways i hope she'd forgive me..
i wish u all the happiness in the world =) from my heart
and from my heart i'm saying tht i love u so much


i know it didn't ended so well btw us...but days and years made me realize tht it would take me more than tht to try to stop loving someone
we were kids..teenagers probably...we fought...we screamed..we laughted and cried.
we had bad and good days togther...both can't be forgotten
many times i open my little box and start reading our notes...everything we wrote for eachothers
school notes...

i know we r n't like b4 and no it's not coz of our silly fights,but life seems to be harder than it seems
we all change every now and then...but the best thing is that we share memories together...
and thts were i remember...

when we prayed the eid and friday togther

how happy were u when u 1st saw me with the veil

naming our crushes by mortalcomabt charachters

hanging out and riding *7antor at zamalek*

buying sweet vally high and exchanging them togther

listening to wht's now 98...eating pizza and chatting, all the 3 of us

fighing over who is going to site nxt to whom at the class

going to dream park

private lessons

crying on eachothers shoulders

Arkedia mall

LOL after big fights...*exchanging socks*

birthday gifts....*my 1st powerpuff girl*

there r alot to remember actually...alot tht make me smile and make me forget why we even cried...i dont really care much abt the past
roastry and cafeology *surprising party*
GOD! i hoped i'd join u in ur moment
and again from my heart i'm saying...i love u my friend =)

wish u can read this

Thursday, August 21, 2008

How far can the word "SORRY" heal a pain???
so many questions i wanna ask...

where the hell r u??!!!!! don't u know how much u r really missed????everybody around is searching out for u, u vanished all of a sudden ! can u tell me tht ur fine plz?? send me anything...any sign...
i pray the day i can c u in...c u happy..i need to give u some stuff...and maybe then u can vanish the way u want
i hope u could feel how much u REALLY mean to me
waiting to c u

Friday, August 15, 2008

Been away for sometimes....was ill..then my grandpa passed was all a matter of time.In a second i was talking to him, the other one he was's hard to c someone dead infornt of ur eyes especially when they r close to u....
i cried..
then my eyes got dry...
then i cried again...
then my eyes got dry...
then i cried...
then my eyes got dry at least...and i thought they would b dry forever...
honestly after my grandma passing away....i couldn't feel much pain like after her death...maybe coz her death was the most effective thing tht changed our life balance...and ever since made a huge change..
when it comes to people, it was pretty surprising coz not everyone as i expected was really there, esp. those who i wished to be there...
there is no reason to feel sad abt it anymore, we can't beg for feelings and mostly people appeares in hard times...if not with sympathy...with appreciating and respecting the way u feel.

i just feel sick from some ppl...

better not to start talking abt it...I'M SO DAMN SENSTIVE!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Just like every other day i wake up only not in a my best moods and i don't know why so, maybe coz i'm sick and my throat is really killing me or maybe coz i feel bit like a loser.
i want to cry so hard but my tears rn't coming out so sat down a little and turned some songs on...some islamic songs actually and as i heard tht song i couldn't hold my tears any more and i found myself crying as if i smelled a huge onion and as the songs repeats i found myself crying and crying again a non-stop crying with no reason...but eventually it made me better, the song is really " meshary al 3arada"

مشاري العرادة

بك يا زمان اللهو أشكو غربتي
إن كانت الشكوى تداوي مهجتي
قلبي تساوره الهموم توجها
ويزيد همي إن خلوت بظلمتي
يا قلب إني قد أتيتك ناصحاً
فأربأ بنفسك أن تقودك محنتي
أن الغريب سقته أيام الأسى
كأس المرارة في سنين الظلمة
قد كان نومي هانئا فوق الثرى
من غير شكوى أو عزول شامت
من غير هم بالزمان وكربه
من غير إسهاد يشتت راحتي

أنا في ابتساماتي عرفت ولم أزل
حتى أتاني ما ينغص بسمتي
إن أسعفتني دمعتي في فرحتي
أنزلتها طرباً لأرسم بهجتي
أو اسعفتني في البكاء مرارة
تتسابق العبرات تهجر مقلتي
واليوم أفرغ دمع عيني بالبكاء
ندماً على ما كان مني ويلتي
جفت دموعي من فواجع ما أراه
لكن صبري في الشدائد قوتي
واليوم أفرغ دمع عيني بالبكاء
ندماً على ما كان مني ويلتي
جفت دموعي من فواجع ما أراه
لكن صبري في الشدائد قوتي

Friday, July 18, 2008

I'm happy yet crying and i don't have an idea why am i....maybe i feel a bit disappointed about my self...or maybe coz i wished for more..there is still a chance so may God helpme isA...=) elhamdolelah..Qadr Allah wa masha2 fa3al...

i am happy =)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

nothing is better than a night meditation, clearing my stressed mind and loaded brain...i hope it work this time and i wont fall asleep.
now start counting slowly
lots of thoughts start to run through my running pages of a photo album. now some memories cross along and run with the thoughts.
what happened today, what happened yesterday and what will happened tomorrow.
no! i want to clear my mind...
still thinking, wht if...tht or this and still more photos , my life is really upside down. i want to relax! and stop thinking...let's continue...
some old childhood memories all flashed in black and i tht old ? things i've done and things i've shouldn't have done.. nnnooo just stop!

Monday, July 07, 2008

"All That I Need"

"I was lost and alone

Trying to grow,

making my way down that long winding road

Had no reason, no rhyme

Like a song out of time

And there you were, standing in front of my eyes

How could I be such a fool

To let go of love and break all the rules"

"I was searching in vain

Playing a game

Had no-one else but myself left to blame

You came into my world

No diamonds or pearls

Could ever replace what you gave to me

Just like a castle of sand

I almost let love slip right out of my hands

And just like a flower needs rain

I will stand by your side

through the joy and the pain"

Friday, July 04, 2008

At the age of 8...i started writing my diaries

At the age of 9.... i got my 1st dog "Spicy"

At the age of 10.... dad bought us a computer

At the age of 11....i wrote my 1st poem

At the age of 11.... i got my Violen

At the age of 12....i had my 1st crush

At the age of 13.... i wore my veil

At the age of 14.... i stoped shaking hands

At the age of 15.... i had my 1st true best friend

At the age of 15....i changed my clothes style

At the age of 16....i decided to change

At the age of 16....i learnt driving

At the age of 17....i entered colg

At the age of 17.... teenstuff published my poem for nirvana

At the age of 17.... i experienced love

At the age of 18.... i joined teenstuff boards

At the age of 19... i joined Istihbal as a bassist

At the age of 19....i moved to 6 october

At the age of 19...i had my 1st performance on stage as a bassist

At the age of 20...i'm graduated from colg

At the age of 21....i got my 1st amazing bass

Sunday, June 29, 2008

some ppl can hate me for saying so...but actually i'm not so excited abt turning 21...maybe coz i don't feel any actual progress in my life so far.....i don't know sometimes i feel i hate myself and wish i was never born maybe coz i can't feel i'm good enf to worth living, i know i shouldn't be saying tht...coz every creature is worth living...but i just feel so helpless and weak..afraid of can't reach wht i'm living for...i know my nafs (spirit) is nafs lawama, so i keep worrying abt every step i kills me sometimes...
i guess i'm only worried abt the natiga...forget my babling...i should try and enjoy the day and look forward to wht's coming up in my life...and wish from my heart tht it wont pass like the others...useless

اللهم لا تكلنى الى نفسى طرفة عين و لا اقل من ذلك فان وكلتنى الى وكلتنى الى عيب و نقص و ان وكلتنى اليك وكلتنى الى ركنن شديد و انت يا ربى ركنى الشديد

Monday, June 16, 2008

Deeper shades of me

Feeling lost within me
Searching out for a place to be
Need some air need to breathe?
Need to exhale before I get seethed

I keep searching but I still can't find
Any place where I can run to or hide
It's not so clear I still can't see
I need to dig for deeper shades of me

Out in a big world
Nobody's hand to hold
Looking down in the sea
For deeper shades of me

Cross the mountain height
Hitting the sky in a sight
In every palm or tree
Digging for the deeper shades of me

Searched in every place
Looked in every face
Can't find my wandering soul
Can't search any more

Gone along in every far
Sparkling like a shooting star
Here it is where I lay
Between earth and sky

Hoping that I'd ever see
The deeper shades of me
" i'm so glad tht i'm bk with a poem =)"

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Saturday, June 14, 2008

i feel angry..why can't ppl be so clear!'s either black or white no GRAY!
they can't feel how confused and disapointed they make me ! and i hate tht!!! i'm not sure i can handle this for long so a close explosion is gonna happened really soon!
Now i'm free
no more studying
no more stress at least for a while
now i can think abt myself shewaya
think abt my life
and future...
where should i start from?
i'm happy so far elhamdolelah...
had some bad times...but standing still
can;t wait to know the results....i hate tht waiting...
isA 5eeer
"tfa2alo bel 5ayr tajedoh" i always say...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

i didn't notice it was my granie's day...i didn't forget it was in june just mixed uo the days...but i heard mom and dad talking and grandpa's crying....
Rabena yer7am el game3.....
i really miss her alot...too bad tht i don't dream of her anymore...
i wished she'd see me graduating...and married...
i'm not sad...i only miss her...

My God rest her soul...and rest us in peace

Sunday, June 01, 2008

tomorrow's my graduation project discussion....
exams weren't so good
i hope i'd really graduate :s

Friday, May 23, 2008

so i'm starting my exams tomorrow isA...too close to graduating and i'm starting to accept tht i'll have a new life...i'm already preparing for it...only hopes tht it goes the way i want i need all the prayers...pray for me when u read this...
almost there...
almost reaching my star

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

part two....

yes my dear Injy was's the new rule...25pt for less than 25 kilos....50pt for more....and the driver said tht...he even took the paper from another driver to show it to us.
and tht wasn't just the problem...
tht man sitting in the front who has tht serious look on his face and dark sunglasses...the main leader of the revolution in the microbus...was actually going to medan lebanan not ramses...where the distance is less than 25k so he'd pay 25pt only...
the whole microbus kept arguing and cursing the driver...accusing him of rejecting their right...and he was saying tht it is his right...everything one was just talking abt HIS RIGHT...and there were i should end the story....
wht does actually MY RIGHT means?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

i don't know why i don't have any political views....i never read anything about politics...i even don't know wht the word mean....
l8ly the raising of the prices has been causing a big mess all over...
today at the microbus...the driver wanted 250...and some of the passengers said it's on 225...i didn't really cared tht much it was only 25pt anyways, so i was silent all the way and didn't complain...just watched the battle in peace...

~end of part one~

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

i know it's been a while...but i've been so sick...i stayed at home for like 3 or 4 days...
and as i got a little better and went out to my friend in " 7adaye2 el ahram" , as usual we finish up a bit late so i had to go home at aout 10 pm or something as i recall..however it's only max 30 min btw me and her and i went down at 8 pm...
i stood alot to ride something...abt an hour...and then came a bus.. i was like "el hamdolelah finally going home"......few mint later when we were between "el 7adaye2" and " 6 october" , the bus stopped and the driver said:
" ma3lesh ya gama3a hanzelko hena 3ashn sa7eb el 3rbia 3aweza wel taba3 hyrakebko"
actually he was lying..he just want to turn bk so he can go bk and have more passengers...coz there was only 7 or 8 me the only gurl...
we went down...and the driver flew with the bus to the other side and left us with his assist, in the middle of nowhere...there was no a sign for anything....just the desert....
" etfadalo nos el 2ogra ya bahawat 3ashn e7na mesta3glen" he said.
well the 7 men argued with him abt the money...he wanted to give each nos geneh while they wanted geneh...*actually he should have paid the whole 125 pt coz he didn't drive us were we should have gone*
all of this happening and i was starring at them....i didn't say a word...till he came to give me the money...

i closed my eyes for a second....

and i let out a fire of words!...

i kep screaming and shouting...*i don't think i ever shouted like tht b4*


he tried to avoid me but i went back again" YA BANE2DAM ANA BAKLEMK...ENTA MA3ANDKSH E5WAT BANAT...."

and his still want to give me the 50 pt.

and yes the men were standing still in there place watching us =)

i screamed and screamed untill i lost my breathe....

and he simply took the money and ran....

i couldn't really believe wht happened....i kept cursing and insulting then said "7asby Allah wa ne3ma el wakel"

it was the 1st time tht i feel humiliated like tht...i was just like could i be left like tht...

the men kindly calmed me was funny when one of them said " dah 5ad el nos gehneh" as if it was the problem...

they kindly stopped the 1st microbus on the way too...and the was only one seat so they let me in....

and as i sat i start crying...couldn't hold my self from crying my tears kept falling like rains till i reached home...i tried to stop crying so ppl wont keep looking at me but i couldn't...

it's really a feeling i never had b4.....weak....lost...lonely and afraid...'s hard to tell how bad it is....

i'm not writing this as me shams...i'm writing it as a girl

i'm a girl for God's sake!...

i know worse could have happened but thank God for everything...i'm blissed...

rabena yehdey el game3 ya rab...

Saturday, May 03, 2008

i actually noticed something tht's really funny
as i kept saying tht it's been a while since i wrote in my blog...well i guess i know the reason why.
i write most of my posts while i'm sad angry or frustrated...l8ly i've been very happy really so so happy...and i'm not so good in describing my feelings i mean the good when i'm reallly happy i feel i'm so out of feelings r indescribable
now i'm a bit upset with no reason...crying with no reason...maybe it's the stress and i miss my dogs badly...really i miss them...

Saturday, April 26, 2008

i can finally breathe...sweet air is in. going through my hair gently making me shiver as if it's taking away my soul....
it's more liking flying , or floating softly on cold water as the waves come along and push me to the shore.
am i dreaming...
now i yawn and look out of the raining...
so i pray and hope tht my dream come true

Monday, April 21, 2008

it was a nice day today....but all of a sudden i felt my eyes so wet...dunno the reason of crying...and it's worse when u don't know y.
when i got home i wished to be better...but sadly it wasn't at all.
i hate silence...i hate it when i feel tht someone is really feeling bad and still not talking abt it...i guess it's kinda actually

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

i'm feeling better nowdays i changed my mood completely, i spent few days off colg
1st i went to agriculture , cairo university i spend a gr8 time with my friends there...God i missed tht kind of happinese..
today i'm writing form the AUC library...i came to watch the international day, it's really gr8 i tasted some food from KSA/ finland / North korea and i took many many pixs i guess i'll go get a tatto too.. =D i'm glad elhamdolelah i don't want to fell the stress again anyways we r almost done and exams r very soon..i'm almost done.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

God!...i'm so tired...the past few days were really terrible...i hardly take my i burst into tears..i couldn't help it...i do my best to hide my depression so i needed to cry and let it all out....i think by the end of the week i wont feel my feet on the ground.
i wish i can rest for a few days doing nothing and nothing at all

Thursday, April 10, 2008

i simply love her...and love everything about her
i even can't stand to be mad at her ..a word or a smile erase it all in less than a sight.
i wonder y i love her so much..i can't live without her..
wht's so special in her...i don't know..i know her abt 9 yrs ago but couldn't get it.
even when we have hard times btw us and i think we r almost simply fades away like it never been there.
i love her and i love the things i hate in her, i hope she'd know how much she means to's so much tht even words can't explain.
God bless her and keeps us together and join us together after death...

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Fine! fast heart beats , Qawlon and nose bleeding!!! , wht else should i get mentally?
Thank God i'm alive...
it's been a while...and now it's time..
i'd better sleep

Monday, April 07, 2008

ur never tired of it, r u?
can't u leave a single day without telling me how terrible person i am?
here is a thing if it's gonna matter to u...
i'm tired...i'm tired and don't know wht else i can do for u?
please don't make it harder on is hard enf and i'm hardly trying to feel happy...
just for once don't destroy tht plz.... i let u to enjoy ur life...can't u leave me do the same?
u know wht u mean to me rit?

Sunday, April 06, 2008


Thanks for every single smile u draw on my face
am i going to far? losing control of it?
i hope i'm not going the wrong direction and do the same thing once more...
don't wanna lose again..i don't wanna ruin it
should i step back alittle?
i'd better do i guess
but the thing is...can i?...can i step back?
ya Rab....

note: miss u spicy and slider =(

Thursday, April 03, 2008

This thing we have...the thing tht i don't know wht to call uptill now...
it's weird tht it's even growing up stronger from the no where
and everyday is different from the one before
i feel i'm born again in a new phase..
somtimes i feel we r both kids playing around in the school play ground...watching cartoons...playing at the funfair...we laugh!
sometimes i feel we r teenage best friends who spend all the together...and suddenly in the end we realize tht it's not just friendship tht we are feeling...
sometimes i feel we r couples , dreaming together and sharing everything...and even preparing for our future...
i can't get it...
and i dn't think i want to understand..
i don't want to think abt it tht much...
just feel and enjoy the moment...

Wednesday, April 02, 2008


I've been dreaming abt having this mobile tht nokia created last yr at the valentine and mother's day " L'amour collection"

sadly i couldn't get when it was down at the markets...and when i was able to...i couldn't find it anywhere...but i don't want to give up so if anyone knows somewhere who sells it or someone who wants to sell it with a nice condition and a nice price..PLZ PLZ and i repeat PLZ tell me!!!

i might sound crazy saying so but i'm strongly attached to this if u can!


the details:

Nokia 7373

L'amour collection

pink only !

i want to rit many things but everything mixed up together...i've been so exhausted l8ly and i hate the fact tht i don't have much fun anymore...i don't watch t.v , i don't go out thank God i have some time to eat and pray....
am i doing this on purpose? sometimes i feel as if i like torturing myself...or some stupid way of hiding from whtever...
i'm a happy person elhamdolelah...yes i am happy, i am a cheerful person i have many reasons to be so.
enough tht many of the people around me like to c me happy and smiling always...shouldn't i take it as a good reason?.
anyways i guess i should run now...i have alot to do and a big day tomorrow

Saturday, March 29, 2008

sometimes i don't really get my self. like for now i feel i hate everything around me...almsot everything and everyone and i don't know the reason , i just hate when i feel hate
so angry and want to smash anything around
y can't i stop acting like this?
y don't i delete the damn blog and close my msn account!
i don't want to talk....
plz no on ask's malek!
i tried recording my voice today...God! i'm the worst vocal on earth =D...thank God i never sang infront of ANYONE . i never said tht i can sing but i like singing despite the fact tht my voice is terrible lol i still do sing to my self.

Friday, March 21, 2008

From the moment I entered the hospital I was pretty amazed , I never thought tht we would have something so great like tht in Egypt , seriously u'll feel as if ur somewhere out of Egypt. It's like a shining star in the middle of el syaeda zeinab and el madba7 , one of the 7 wonders in the world.
I can't even write it in words, u should go and c it ur self.
The place, the atmosphere , the ppl , the treatment , the order and organizing everything and I repeat EVERYTHING is so perfect .
I felt comfortable there…even while working I enjoyed working there, it was really grea8 to c all the kids happy being there.
I felt pity for the ppl at the institute they r suffering from many other things , not just the pain…
For the 1st time I felt tht I'm really achieving something , doing something useful for someone, the kids loved us there and keep waiting for us to come every day , even the ppl who work there loved us too they r happy coz we made the kids happy.
I just love tht place I love it and proud tht we have something like tht in Egypt , I love the kids I adore their little smile when I teach them something and they ran over to show it to their parents .
Rabena yeshfey kol mared ya rab.
isA I'll never stop going there even after colg.THANK U GOD I'M HAPPY

Sunday, March 09, 2008

I'm not so good in expressing my much to tell but can't get out of my cheast, i guess maybe when it's time i'll be strong enf to scream them out LOUD!!
but when it's i really gonna say eveything i want? everything i feel?
sometimes when i'm listening to a romantic song...i fly with my thougths and imagination and keep thinking of the day i reveal my feelings...both the good and bad, like to cry and laugh at the same time
i turn back and look at myself, we don't get everything we wish for rit? which things i should gave up ???

Saturday, March 08, 2008

i never asked my self tht...

why did i make a blog?
i feel as if i'm in a weird dream..i don't know wht's going on...i don't know wht am i doing.
as if it been yrs and yes actually it been yrs...lots of yrs.
many thing changed...whenever march comes...i recall my very old memories...coz it's the month were everthing started to take another way and my life became upside down.
march...the changing point...
sometimes i think for a while and ask myself a question.." is it really me? am i tht person who is now?" mostly the answer is NO.
i don't want to turn back the way i was and still i feel weird for the way i am now.
i want to stand still...i want to stop thinking of my past...i don't want it to affect my future or at least my present...especially tht i feel i'm so close to make my dreams come true.
whenever i'm closer whenever i feel more afraid...i don't want to be hunted.
i don't want to be left alone...i feel so weak and don't want to slip down again.
i hope tht march pass as fast as it can...or else can't we just skip it? can i remove it or delete it from the whole yr! can i go on as if it's april or something??
oh God! wht the hell am i saying!
i think i'm only......bored

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I MET RA2ES EL GAM3A!!!!!!! =D....
yesterday i had an apointment with the president of cairo uni. Dr. Ali Abdel Rahman...the meeting was at 1:30 pm so i was there @ 1:20 pm...but we were finally with him @ 3pm =D....yeah he's a busy THANK GOD THANK GOD tht we had the chance to meet him...i think it's a really great progress !!! yes!!! i'm SO proud of myself elhamdolelah... i feel as if i can feel the ground under my feet where i'm standing and where i'm going. for the very 1st time in my life i feel i'm doing something...just a very small step through the future..
elhamdolelah for everything...bgad THANK U GOD!

Monday, March 03, 2008

so... it's been a while...very big one...

here are some news...

elhamdolelah i got gayed gedan last term...and tab3an tab3an elhamdolelah bas it's the 1st time to get gayed gedan and don't feel so happy with it...i'm sure i did more than tht...more to get a better gayed gedan not emtyaz...only better gayed gedan..i'm not sure if anyone can really understand this..bas Qadr Allah masha2 fa3l...and i'm sure tht Rabena hy3wadny be2ezn elah in something or another... =)

this term i'm more like... banta7er =D yeah i'm doing all i can and little of all i cannot...

i feel pain all over, my back my head my shoulders!!!!...physicaly and mentally

i might not rank anything....but i feel so glad tht i'm leaving something...something tht would make sum ppl remember me with =)...
i've never been famous in mylife except when i entered colg...i'm actually so glad abt it coz i'm remembered with good things...very good actually...i'm kinda prud of myself bgad =)...

i feel important...yes i'm an important person =D.... when ever a prof or a teacher needs something...they call for me ! andi feel great helping even greater when wht i did comes out almost perfect!...

again i'm proud of myself and feel more confident =).

today...i was an organizer with 2 of my a colg party...where we made a presentation and a documentry movie abt luxor and aswan..

and woooooooow they all clapped and the dean thanked us!

weeeeeeeeeeeew =) =D....

suddenly i felt tht i love myself!

Friday, February 15, 2008

it's a fixed feelings, feeling happy , confused , curious , excited and a bit worried from the future but not afraid.
i feel as if life is just begining or maybe it's a new phase.
wooow yrs r passing so so fast
i don't know it's been a big while since i felt like writing =(

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Since I’ve been hearing the word “MARRIAGE” a lot lately , I decided that getting me wont be so easy =) yes I’m a girl and I’m precious at least for my family and friends .
It’s weird how’s almost everyone is telling me abt getting married , soulmates having kids and so on…everyone wants me to get married =D everyone brings to me a 3arees every now and then as if I’m taking a large space of their house !!!
Give me a break ppl I’m still not ready and still can’t find my mr. anonymous. I still need to focus on my 2nd term =D, then on my career..yes.. I need to be as ready as possible and feel tht I’m a grown up shewaya , at least have the ability to have my own source of living…
Anyways , as I said I wont let getting me be so easy, Mr anonymous should meet some important people before meeting my parents and these ppl r…

- my sisters and their husbands
- my best friends shahinaz and ahmed
- my godmother mero and my young sis injy
- my band brothers * islam , seif , Mohamed and shazly*
- my two cousins heba and manar
- my best friend ehab

coz these ppl r a part of my family and their opinion means a lot to me and I’m sure if anyone tried to break my heart…. =D hwa el 5asran ba2a. *kidding*

Then finally he can meet my parents =D.

About weddings…umm I didn’t really plane for it but I guess I’d prefer an Islamic wedding so I can take off the veil tht day =D * neyety we7sha shewaya bas it’s my wedding ba2a!!*
If not..then it’s gonne be very very veeeeeeeeeeeeery simple wedding with a violen zafa not all the noise with the drums , horses and so *I hate the very loud noise and probably wont be able to stand for like 10 hours !!!! high heals KILLS ME*
As for the honeymoon ummm I’m thinking to go for a 3omra or something???...ya3ni I care abt the honeymoon more than the wedding, maybe we’d go somewhere like Hawaii or Thailand it still can be sharm el she5 or somewhere in Egypt , Alexandria is cool too…or we can stick in a hotel we 5alas =D…ya3ni I only want it to be perfect..
Umm wht else…. I guess it’s all…

Allah yekon fe 3ono ely hydabes feya ba2a =D

=) wish me luck

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i'm sitting in the dark and don't ask me how am i writing this , my left shoulder hurts like hell and my back is on fire :s yeah i'm not feeling so well...
i need more confident in my self the worst thing is me is my low self esteem...
and here is wht i'm listening:

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with you
im looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with youoh

why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with you
I'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with you
I'm with you

Monday, January 21, 2008

it's gr8 how some ppl still makes me hold on...whenever i'm tht close to shoot myself i find someone to grap my hands and left me's gr8 to feel tht there r ppl who care abt u...feeling care is AWESOME.
so...i'd like to thank who saved the day =)...i wish u'd be there for me 4ever

Monday, January 14, 2008

I don’t know why I suddenly feel upset =( I just went to my bed and slept like a baby…I feel I’m a pathetic person am i?
I’m too small in the world that I feel it’s not really where I belong.
Lost in the nowhere and no other place to go. Don’t I belong somewhere? I wish I can delete all these negativity thought but u guess they have to appear every now and then. One of those break downs.
Till when I’ll be running away as fast as I can?
Till when I’ll be hiding?
And till when I’ll be hunted by my fears?
I feel so all alone

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I never wanted the days to pass fast like now, I can’t sleep…I can’t wait to go and lie in bed with my 1st yawning. And I can’t wait till the nxt day comes and so on…
Can’t stop thinking..
I’m afraid to be let myself be happy…sometimes good signs really freak me out. When everything begins to be almost perfect…
I hope that history wouldn’t repeat it self once more…I hope I don’t fall apart again.
Does sometimes it’s no the right time? Or is it just the perfect time for it?
Have a chance…risk…trust??
A part of me wants it but the part doesn’t feel comfortable yet. I’m torn btw both.
Auffffff I can’t study!!! I wanna focus
P.s; I can hear it raining now which is so gr8. Too bad I can’t get out coz no one’s home now. Lol weird I caught a cold though

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Today as i was on my way to my friend as usual *where me and my other friends meet , and go together to colg*
anyways i was walking fast coz i was a bit l8 for them..then i found someone from behind calling me...

"anesa...anesa...", i turn back and answered.
he said "momkin as2alek so2al".
i was puzzled for a while.."ok"
he asked" hwa 7adretk mortabeta".
i didn't realize the question 1st so i answered fast" no y".
then after a sec i was puzzled...then he answered bk "i just wanted to know".
my face turned into red not from shyness bas from being angry !!!
i then found myself running to my friend's house..i looked bk and he was behind :S...i went up as fast as i can....
i don't know...heya el nas etganenet?...wala i was so attractive that he wanted to propose!!!omG, how am i gonna be attractive while i'm going to an exam , having papers in my hand...holding my bag with another...wearing my baggy and blue jeans jacket...NO WAY I AM THT ATTRACTIVE.
c'mon!!! even if it was true....WHT THE HELL HE WAS THINKING !!!
i can't believe any one who can get married this way!!!