old random thoughts

i remember that day...not the exact date but it was a new year ever. in those days we cared about nothing...we were so young  we were so silly =). we enjoyed the moment. every single moment.

we were so pure like a morning dew drop we had no worries..no boundaries...no responsibilities.

i remember that day, we made a party, we played the music out loud and we colored our faces and we danced and danced ....we jumped around the house and of course we had a pillow fight =)

we were together...always together but now...i wouldn't b riting this if it was still the same.

i miss those days...i miss the feeling of childhood...i wish i can turn bk time.

i miss all the things i used to do...i always keep saying so...but i guess every phase has to end and a new one with new ppl must come.

nothing we can do except keeping those floating memories inside our hearts...get back to it when u miss it.

i wonder how things will turn to be this year...im waiting for the surprise and hoping for the best.  

may 2012 become cheerful and beneficial, may God protect us and send the best towards us.

ameen 

random thoughts

so far u r the only one who knows wht goes in my little heart, i can't reveal whts inside. maybe coz i don't find the words. i don't know how i feel. d i feel hurt? sad? all i know is tht i'm facing an emotional disturbance.
yesterday, i felt i was going to die and i just couldn't stop thinking about death all the time.
i'm  not afraid of death *i keep saying el shehada every now and then just in case*, i'm just worried of how am i going to die ?! in this year i've lost 2 of my good friends in 2 different accidents, and Sub7an Allah they ended up in completely 2 different ways.
The more i feel his love the more i feel that my end is coming. am i good enf to enter heaven??
i feel so exhausted , so helpless, i wonder when i'll close my eyes....and never wake up... 

Random person

he's not only a thought , he's a person..sum one i know and like calling friend =). well, i never knew tht he reads my blog i was pretty surprised,so i hope he understands tht this one is for "him".
i call him the smiley guy, for that he has a very nice msA, a smile that makes u feel the world is a better place and leave everything behind

maybe God put a smile upon ur face forever =)

Change

everything is going to another direction not sure if its to the worst or better i have to c it all first to know. i thought i can do it by myself but its not tht easy as it seems. at sum point i wish i can share this change with sum one, maybe tht would add the tune to my life.
i should learn to let go of ppl, no one really stays forever as we all promise for some reason we have to walk on our own sweet way. it doesn't mean tht we r forgotten but it means tht a phase has ended and we need to move on for the next stage,
just like changing ur mobile , laptop or even look. its like closing up a chapter of ur life , box it up inside ur memory and visit every now and then when u feel tht u miss this part of ur life.
its all boxed up bad and good together and when for instant u get bk to it, all u do is close ur eyes and draw a big smile enjoying the ecstasy of  getting back to it.
i don't get to do the things i used to do b4 i don't rit or read tht much and i don't even play guitar. however i started doing new things i started teaching more i started studying more and being responsible for big things.
i never thought i could b tht neither thought could b this. but i'm sure tht God puts me into it just to make me learn more abt myself to learn tht i can do things i never thought tht i can.
the more i prove my self the more i feel tht my end is really close.
i don't feel sad abt it as long as i've done wht i'm here for, i only feel missed and wonder when am i gonna c all my beloved.
maybe tht y i don't want to be alone?! maybe tht's i feel tht big empty space within me?!
well for now i'm trying to cope, i'm trying to be on my own in case if its going to be tht way =) hoping from God tht it would b otherwise and he's the only one who knows which will b best for me.

Random thoughts

i believe God puts me into these things for some reasons, i'll probably know very soon isA
لا يكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها
i can do it isA since he's the one who put me into it, he'd never put me into something bigger than me =)
so since her believes me....i believe in my self as well.
i know i might be cutting many thorns on the way but isA he'll guide my way. i just can't understand few things, i'm alittle bit confused and i don't want to listen to my inner devil...i do it unintentionally and i start to have those un-real thoughts.
i wish ramadan can be here to comfort me =( 

Random thoughts

Few yrs ago when i started writing in teenstuff, it's was like the beginning of a new life... a starting point for a completely different phase.
it wasn't me who made tht turning point, it was the ppl i met at that time. a boy and a gurl who looked at life with a different perception, they were totally different yet seemed like twins they had one very big common thing "they've been through very hard times in their lives". i was like a little child between them, learning about life, perhaps we haven't seen each other so many times through those 7 or 8 yrs but i remember each and every time we talked or went out...
sub7an Allah, we were separated for sometimes and maybe have n't spoken in years, then after a while we had a little chat every now and then.
i've seen how much they changed and how their perception started to change, change to the extreme, they became apart in fact they even hated each others after becoming very close friends. i was stuck in between as i had a good relationship with both, in fact i had great time with each one of them.
and here they go....with a second disappearance. i didn't know tht this disappearance would be for good.
it's was really hard to know all of a sudden tht they both passed away, different timing and different place and also....different way.
it just made me feel how much God is merciful and fair, they way he made things for us, the way he teach us nothing is more sentimental than tht. i had great memories with those 2 friends, some of them r stuffed in a box, a birthday card...few picture and an old tape for the cranberries. in fact i owe them for the change they left in me...
Still breathing...
Blue rover.....
mayb God rest your soul, forgive u, and reward u with Jannah
i'll stand in the line and wait for my turn =)

Random thoughts

i'm so exhausted, i don't even have time to sit with myself 

Random thoughts during ramadan

Elhamdolelah things are getting better it even got better than i ever expected. Somtimes u need to take ur own decisions without asking anyone's opinion Sub7an Allah God always put us on the rit track. i'm very optimistic about this year and my life begin to change already, my heart is fully open for the new phase i'm going through. and i'm expecting the best from God inshaAllah, however i learnt not to expect anything from people.
i've been wondering alot these days and especially yesterday, i cried so hard as i was praying and i screamed to God "please don't leave me, please i need ur help" i was very afraid of taking wrong decisions and there is no one else who can help me in this expect for him "God".
today i went to pray tarawe7 aat masjed al hosary, it's very peacfull there and i totally get into the spiritual mood. there was an amazing lesson for amr khaled there too, and i felt it was a reply for my yesterday prayer from Allah subhana wa taala.
as amr khaled mentioned wht he's going to talk abt, i started crying coz i felt it was specially from me. the lesson was abt "اليقين بالله" he said tht God gives u exactly wht u expect from him, if u expect the goodness, u'll find it coming exactly the way u want...and if u expect something bad, unfortunately it will come on ur way as well.
he said tht amazing 7adeth tht says: انا عند ظن عبدي بي، فليظن بي ما شاء ان كان خيراً فله و ان كان شراً فعليه
i sensed the great 7adeth and i cried when i felt God's mercy on me....he really heard me! he answered me! he sent me a whole lesson for me! is tht believable !!!!!!
i never felt more revealed, i trust God and i know he wont leave me...actually when i thumbed through the pages of my memories i realized that God never left me b4 , he was always there for me...he always made for me what i wished for.
Elhamdolelah, i thank God with every beat of heart and every breath i take...though i know it's not enf.
i'll always think good, and God will lead me to it, i wont worry or get sad coz i know he's always there for me, he;s never far away and he always replies.

A new ramadan...a new year

Today is the 1st day of ramadan and i dont know y it doesn't seem like it. i feel as if we r losing the essence of ramadan. i still find it a fresh start, a new beginning for those who wants a new chance.
i deactivated my facebook and i doubt tht i'll get it bk again, i need a break and i don't want to check it every now and then.
i don't feel good now days and i feel very angry from everyone around....wht the hell wrong with u ppl ! i want to get bk to work....i'll also get bk to writing
i want to run away from life

Random thoughts

 The past few weeks weren’t the best for me. I’m 24 yrs still not acting like one. Sadness has been chasing me and I struggle to survive, the game is not easy and it’s still going on.

I miss being young. Back then I had nothing in my mind to care about. I didn’t understand the concept of death ,pain or responsibility. It’s weird how these 3 concepts are connected like a bonded chain, one thing lead to another.

Is it me or is this world is so weird?…ppl change in less than a second. Humans are so cruel to each other…I wonder where did all the mercy go?

Life is too short to waste it on sadness.

The dream guy in my random thoughts

The one…dream guy…or simply the prince on the white horse =)

Every girl has a dream of a guy…the perfect guy or whatever we call him =D. he’s simply the man who we all wish for since the day we were born and keep on searching for him our whole life till we finally fall deeply into love.

Usually girls dream of the perfect person…the one who is as cute as ahmad ezz , tom cruise or brad pit. Or even some of us can go for the amazing Islamic figures.. sami yusuf , moez maso’od or Mustafa hossni .

We focus on searching for these guys who would look exactly like them from the outside ;) and the inside ofcorse. Then we end up with a completely freak person =D

For me I’ve always been in love with the same person, and I just miss him more and more everyday knowing that he’s out there looking for me as well.

This person is neither like actors nor like other celebrities. He’s a very special person, a one of a kind,a combination and a fix of different characters.

My dream guy is a person who.............

 is as strong as sydna “Musa”

as handsome as sydna “Yusuf” ;)

 as wise as sydna “Nu’h”

as modest as sydna “Essa”  

as merciful as sydna “Soliman”

as tolerant as sydena “Ibrahim”

as patient as sydena “Ismaeel”

and loves God as much as sydna “Mohammed” =)

I know he might not exists but I have no doubt that God will send me the rit guy, and till he comes I’ll be a better person inshaAllah and he’ll be the best man in my eyes and ofcourse in my heart.

Random thoughts

They asked me about my scarf

I said, it colors my life

It’s sometimes red

White and black

I wear them together

 They become my flag

I wear it proudly,

 Not ashamed from anyone to see

********

They asked me about my scarf

I said it represents me

Represent every breathe and every beat

********

They asked me about my scarf

 I don’t care about what they say

I don’t mind the tough words

All I know is what I wear

Means something to my lord

Random thoughts

it feels more like hitting the ground and all of a sudden u found ur self wounded so bad. yet u try getting up standing back on the ground =)
i admit being a fool sometimes, perhaps making the same mistakes again. but with every mistake we learn something, something that change our life forever...mostly make us better ppl.
i learnt to believe more in my self, to wait for the good and handle the bad. everything ends even the hard times.
i learnt to surrender my self for God, i trust him, i completely have a strong faith tht he will do the best for me. even if i don't c it clear enf =)
i learnt to give everything and do not wait or expect anything in return.
i learnt to depend on my self, solve my own problems by my self in case i couldn't find someone beside me one day. i wont wait for someone

i love life....but miss jannah!

Reality bites

Someone's sadness can be the reason of someone else happiness. it's so true when Allah said
 "عسي ان تكرهوا شيئاً و هو خيرا لكم"
God is really great, just wait and u'll c even if things went so bad, give it sometime...things will always turn bk on ur way


When I asked u “Allahum erzokny 7obak”, u made ur love fill my heart and I became a better person. When I said 


“wa 7ob man 2a7bak”, u made me a lovable person and blessed me with amazing ppl around 
me. When I asked u 


for” 3amalen yokrbony ela 7obak” u gave me the super ability of making other ppl smile. Now, 


I’m asking u my dear God to give me the strength to face my sadness, fears and pass the hard times.

Random thoughts

Things r going upside down....very upside down. i don't know where to go, my petals r falling slowly everyday waiting for one heavy rainy day.

this is short but better than never..in my blog today i signed.  

Meaningless Random thoughts

Sometimes things just go in a wrong direction...in a way we never planned...in a way we never thought of b4 just coz we keep our hopes and faking dreams hanging in front of us.
we see only with our eyes...and understand things only the way we want...and every little thing would mean the world no matter how small it was.
we never tried to look out of our selves, we keep searching and searching for the perfect picture but we never c it completely till we wake up and face reality.
and suddenly......we start falling apart...asking why? how? and when?....without knowing tht it wasn't there from the beginning.
yes! it wasn't there....there was nothing there more than our own imagination. we try to put things together...search for wht's missing...and there is always something missing, and we don't understand why it was there from the beginning.
Sit bk relax...smile...it's gonna be alright...there is always this little bridge tht we build to get over things...take God's hand no one else can help u through this.
think abt wht u have better than wht u couldn't coz crying over things r a big waste of time. don't b afraid to take risks coz u'll always fall down and get bk again...and some things really worth trying...

قلب المؤمن بين اصبعين من يدى الرحمن يقلبهما كيفما يشاء

my head is gonna explode with my meaningless random thoughts =).

p.s: "أنا عند ظن عبدي بي،فليظن بي ما يشاء"

Random thoughts

i miss my random thoughts,venting with wht so ever in my head. what's wrong with me?!
Subhan Allah, it's amazing how things change all of a sudden, only a simple twist of fate. yeah sometimes it's change to things tht we never wished for, but it always turns to be something pretty awesome at the end, something tht we never expect tht it would happened to us.
we might not see the sun bright at the way,but it shines at the end. after a day , month or year it still shines.
we only need some "sabr" and alot of "yaqeen" then nothing else to "lose" =)
i've been thinking alot...praying alot and crying alot..it's takes alot of guts, some time to settle things up, clarify mind and soul.
may God gives me nothing but Sabr and Yaqeen, and inshaAllah things will be alright.
inshaAllah...inshaAllah...ya rab. 

Falling In Love

 As any other girl, I’ve been searching for love. My heart is full of emotions and feelings; I’m passionate and need to get these feelings out.

I wanted to fall in love with someone, and I tried once. But it wasn’t meant to be. I was happy that I didn’t give my feelings away in the wrong direction, and I was lucky to save the ecstasy of sharing my love with the right person, who will come right on my way.

 I decided to find love where else, vent the great power of emotions. I looked for another figure of love I went through the divine world, discovered a world where the pure love is. I started to get closer to God, and by getting closer…I deeply fell in love.

As we – human- we tend to get more into the tangible things. Things we can feel with our hands see with our eyes or listen with our ears.

However when it comes to the heart and soul, we start to feel abstract things, moral things like happiness, sadness, love and hate etc.

I once read something that explained the love between the Creator (Allah) and us, and how did the whole 

relationship started. It was all summarized in one beautiful verse in suret Qaf that says:

 يدوَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِ نَفْسُهُ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَر
ق:16

“We have created man and we know what his own self whispers to him, and we are nearer to him than his jugular vein”

The jugular vein is one of the most important veins, which lies in our neck and gives great amount blood to the brain; it’s very sensitive and most likely what attaches us to life.

I’m not sure of the true meaning of the verse, but I felt that it meant that God is very close to us more than we can imagine, the simile shows how close we are and how much we are bonded…he created us with his own hands, no wonder he knows us pretty well.

It’s more like a mother and a child relationship, we grow up loving our parents because they brought us to life, they raised us up, and they gave us all what we need. We love them for no reason, we love them because we belong with them, and we are part of them.

We r attached with an unseen bond, no matter how we get far our natural instant bring us back again.

When God created us, he made us from earth dust, and then filled our souls with his. That’s why we are created from two parts, a part that is connected with earth and another connected with heavens and as we grow older each part tries to pull us towards it more.

No matter how far we go we always feel that something is pulling us towards God, and yes…he loves us very much he knows us all very well…because he created us, he put something from him in us.

We sometimes cry while we are praying, or when we are watching the magnificent universe around us this is the way we feel the great love within.

I felt love in this duaa:

اللهم ارزقني حبك و حب من احبك و حب عملاً يقربنى الى حبك 

“O Allah, bless me with your love and the love of people who loves you and the love of things that can brings me closer to your Love”

I never stop saying this duaa, I became in love with everything and everyone, I felt as if I want to embrace the universe , I spread the love for the people who deserve, my students , my family , my friends, my teaching and my writings and even myself.

Me,after the 25th (part 3) letter from a granddaughter

Dear grandpa,

I miss u a lot, well I know we haven’t seen eachother before but mum talks abt u a lot. I’m shams ur youngest granddaughter from your youngest daughters.

Ever since I was a kid I used to ask mum abt you,she told me tht u were in the military. You joined it as a volunteer and u r considered as one of the “Zobat el a7rar”. I felt so happy to hear ur stories and how u served our country when u traveled to Syria in the “we7da watneya” between Egypt and Syria.

I have a picture for you in my wallet you were wearing your military suit…I’m so happy to have it.

Actually I wanted to tell you tht I witnessed something tht I’m so proud of, so lucky to c with my own eyes and live to tell my kids abt. we had something tht changed history and added to our past series of revolutions. All the world was talking abt Egypt and the Egyptian ppl.

We finally spoke and asked for our rights, we changed the president and the regime and the whole system we even cleaned the streets. We struggled for about 18 days after waiting for 30 years.

I can tell you grandpa u can be proud of me as much as I’m proud of u, however I didn’t have the chance to take part in the revolution itself *thnx to your  daughter (mum) she kept me at home and didn’t let me go,she made for  us her own curfew *

I stayed at home grandpa, but I wrote notes for everyday, I wrote some articles and translated over 10 articles about the revolution know it’s not enough..deep in my heart I wished to be one of those martyrs , but I know God kept me for a great role as well. Maybe I wasn’t able to take part of the change process but I can take part of letting it go on and happened. I started with sharing in cleaning the streets of cairo.

It was a great day grandpa! Seeing all tahrir covered with Egyptian flags was awesome, seeing all ppl one hand was gr8.

I wish I can volunteer in the military like u grandpa, I became a journalist and a teacher instead lol. I believe I can reach my mission through these 2 things and I have gr8 passion for them, I’ll be able to make a change in the nxt generation..thank God I’m on my way to success wish me luck on taking noble prize.

I wish u were here grandpa, I wish were able to me now and stroke my shoulders with a smile on ur face.

I love u so much..hope u r in paradise..wait for me =).

Love,

Shams…ur granddaughter <3

Me,after the 25th (part 2)

Days the passing by, the situation in Egypt is still complicated...it's getting better on the political side, but getting worse on the humanity side.

Everyone is almost fighting with each other, family members..friends..even best friends, isn't tht pathetic? 

we r willing to lose everyone around just coz tht they don't agree on wht we believe on or just coz they r different , isn't tht pathetic?
we can't trust anything or anyone...not our president and who know maybe not the new one...r we gonna live in doubts forever? 

we r willing to give up all the love and the happy memories...for wht? for money? for power? for a huge rage tht fill us? tht's really really pathetic.

2 days ago,i was talking to one of my friends..he was so angry and upset..i told him to cheer up and smile as it's going to be alright soon... :) he refused and seemed really down, he told me tht one of his friends who (girl) lost one of her eyes on Friday's revolution and she's living with one eye now.

-------

 same day i heard another story abt a wife who was pregnant,sadly she lost her baby coz she was too tensed with the events and she couldn't even go to a doctor...so she lost it...she lost her 1st child.

-------

it's seems tht ppl r losing on both sides and eachone is focusing only on wht they can c. the only difference is the girl who went to the revolution went there knowing tht she might be dangerous, she's willing to give everything for her country and i really respect her for this :).
however the other lady,she was forced into something tht she didn't choose...and after all it's God's will elhamdolelah :)  

We might be getting our rights..our freedom..but i feel we r losing other things instead. we r losing our morals and ethics.
i don't only wish for the president to change...but also the ppl's attitude...they should stop cheating, lying, humiliating other, rapping, killing , stealing, disrespecting others....
i know it's hard..but wht's wrong with trying?.
i'm not an angel myself but judge ur self b4 judging others ...there r many others things we can do other than protesting.
i would give my life to my country...i'd give everything to Egypt...but if i'd never fight against my people..no matter how bad they were, there must be another solution other than killing and cursing.
--------
to our beloved Martyrs Peace Be Upon u all and may god rewards u with Janna <3
to the protesters in tahrir...may God replace the hate in ur heart with love
to the ppl who r not in tahrir...say ur opinion as u like..but don't ever make u lose someone u love.

to my beloved Egypt...i'm sry for wht we all did to u, for wht we became

Me, after the 25th of jan

It’s been a very tough week, I can’t believe tht I stayed at home for a whole week! I feel as if I’m in a big dream. I can’t believe tht it’s happening to my beloved country...my beloved Egypt.


I had mixed up feeling, worried, fear, happy, frustration and confusion. I was totally lost! Don’t know who to believe any more.

I never felt afraid like the past few days, it was more like “I’m legend” movie..when the night comes we hide in our houses closing all the windows and doors, preparing weapons beside us in case we r under any kind of attacks. All the men of our neighborhood gather outside to protect our street, I can’t sleep unless I hear their voices in the street, and still I can’t sleep.

Days were exactly the same; we wake up me, mum and dad. We open the T.V and change from one news channel to another. We call all the family and friends to check on, and some ppl call us..even my sister call from KSA every day. Some friends called me, some of my students, unexpected ppl which made me really surprised. Ppl I hoped tht they’d call but didn’t…it’s ok maybe I’m just not on their priority list.  on the bright side these events made ppl call each other and ask about each other.
Then my dad goes out for a while with the neighbors…and finally we try to sleep.

I pray every night tht the morning would come, but time moves very very slowly. Am I really dreaming? I thought how is it going in Palestine, Iraq and war countries? How do the people manage their lives their?. Do they face this fear every single day? Do they sleep on gun shots, knowing tht at in any moment someone would simply come and kill them? Feeling insecure is the worst feeling EVER. May no one would ever get tht feeling.

I cry whenever I see the news…whenever I hear tht someone was killed..whenever I feel terribly worried on every single person I know…now over 300 ppl were killed..Places destroyed…my favorite places tht hold many happy memories. It’s just so hard to c ur country falling apart…and for wht?? It’s not just abt freedom anymore!

My heart is breaking for u Egypt, you don’t deserve all of this.

Now who is going to bring bk those martyrs who died? Whether they were from the police or citizens..they r humans they r Egyptians

I want to sleep without locking the doors, I want to go out without fearing people, I want to work and hangout with my friends , laugh and go shopping , go out with my bike , make the change I wish to see in the world… i want my life back. I want my country back.

May God protect us and fill our hearts with his love.

Unspoken

Unspoken

too many things I can see,

through the signs of destiny

is it illusion or is it for real?

Wrong direction? My heart is still in fear

Ur eyes r full of unspoken words

Confusion and many mixed up thoughts

We meet, we smile,

Stay silent for a while

Voices runs through my head

But none of us heard a word they’ve said

I only look through your eyes and see

Un spoken words, full of ecstasy

I can hear no more sound

No more feeling of the people around

Only silence and unspoken words

Only you and me in the world

I'm short and i'm proud!

yesterday i was supervising primary 2 in an english exam. i found a little cute nice gurl, she was putting her head btween her hands and with a big sad face on  her face, she was going to cry. i asked her whats wrong with u? but she didnt reply me bk. one of her friends came and told me tht one of the boy called her "SHORTY" during the break time and the others kept laughing at her coz she's short.
the teacher who was standing with me told her, just don't listen to them u know tht these boys r very silly. but the gurl was still upset.
i couldn't bear it the gurl was sooo cute and i really hated to c her sad. i went to her and sat on my knees, and i told her, "you c now i'm even shorter than u". she didn't react..." you know i've always been the shortest one among all of my friends, and they all envy me beacuse i did things tht they couldn't do!". i found her paying attention to my words...as if she want to ask "oh really like wht?". i don't know wht or how did i thought of these words..but they just came out of me sponteniously...
"well, i used to hide from them easily...and i don't hit the trees while i'm walking". i know tht sounded silly, but she smiled as i acted it to her.
"u know i'm teaching IG up stairs and they all look like giants ! althought i'm their teacher but u can hardly notice me when i'm in the class with them!". almost all of the class laughed. then the little gurls started to tell her " there are gurls who r even shorter than u!", "i'm short and i'm happy!" and the postive comment kept going on..
i'm not sure if my words made the little gurl feel better,she had a big cute smile on her face :).