Friday, December 28, 2007

A psychic poem by a mad girl

Nuts…but do you know
I’m crazy about you
I’m nuts…I know
I even made my hair blue

Sniff…sniff my nose is cold
Sniff…sniff I can’t hold

You made me go crazy
You idiot! You lazy
You just couldn’t say a word
That would simply change my world

Have you seen what you’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

Sip…sip I’m drinking some tea
Sip…sip I’m too blind…I can’t see

I thought you liked me
I saw it through the eye
But you never said it
Can’t believe it was a lie

Have you seen what you’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

Click…click what’s that I press?
Click...Click...What’s all that stress?

Why the hell don’t you leave me alone?
Why the hell your heart is like a stone?

I’m out of my mind….
Do you know why?
Because I drew fake wings
And wanted to fly

But you let me fall down that I broke my hand
That’s when people said that I gone mad

Have you seen what’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

By: Sunshine

i'm suppose to be studying for my exams, instead i found myself riting poems to complete my 1st poetry book...still one place left for a final one...

anyways this poem is part 2 of a poem i wrote with the name "how can i forget" tht i wrote 3 yrs ago...i rot this poem for the same person..well...i'll leave u with the poem now

A recovery stage

I thought I’d never let you go
But life made me do

As you forgot me long ago
I only begun stop thinking of you

It’s too hard to let go of the past
Too hard to admit it won’t last

What’s harder…
Knowing that you were too weak
Too weak to fight for what you seek

Didn’t I worth it?
Or was it too hard?
But it seemed easy to leave me with a broken heart

No more tears to cry
No more
Because my eyes got dry

Time seemed to stop since we were apart
Don’t I deserve like you a new start?

I’m tired of feeling how pain tasted
Regret about the time I wasted

It’s already been too long
It took me years to know I was wrong

As for the wound you marked
It will still be there
Only buried inside my heart

I’m not the first and won’t be last
Who will be recovered from her past


Friday, December 21, 2007

Life is like a teacher u never stop learning from it, i've been looking at my life l8ly and i kinda lol abt it...loads of things happend and many are coming up.
why am i riting this? don't ask

today the sky was so was the best blue colour i've even seen in my blue like sea, i couldn't stop staring at the cloudes either...
6 october is really a gr8 place for meditation...every single day. it makes me feel i wanna hug the space..
few hours was raining...i stood in the rain, never felt the cold, i felt i was washing my self..from the past maybe or might be from the present.
i've always loved this word...
also Meditation
Chaos *i don't know why*
I am Human...i noticed tht recently...i breathe...i feel..wait a sec. wht did i say..i feel?..FEEL, wht does feel mean? feeling?
how do we feel? does everyone FEEL?
does everyone feel pain , love , care or even hate? like when u hit someone..kiss someone or even hug...isn't tht sweet?...wht does sweet means? how does it taste in our minds or hearts...
wht am i saying?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear All:

i'm sry i've been away for along time , but i'm so busy n'exhausted =( colg is taking all of my time , i can hardly sleep or eat...still didn't start studying for the final exams...which is going to be on 30th dec. and i'll be done on 15th jan isA.

so happy Eid everyone and happy new yr in advance =)..i've missed my blog and everyone around..sry tht i'm not here but i promise tht i'll be there soon isA and check wht i missed.

I wish i was a butterfly:

rabena ye3enk sweetie and really no need to apologize el mohem tht u feel better soon isA...we isA we'll have a chance to talk soon...rabena ma3aki ana bad3elk bgad =).

i miss everything even myself...all i need is ur prayers for now plz

thnx everyone

Friday, November 30, 2007

When I say that I feel I’m going to die young, I really mean and feel so =( . I’m not saying this to make you feel upset, but I have this feeling strongly in me and really I don’t know why I keep feeling so.
Sometimes I really feel I’m dying… yesterday was one of those sometimes…
I felt I was dying..i couldn’t take my breathe and my heart was beating very fast…I kept saying el shehada and some do3aa…I couldn’t sleep, I was so afraid…I was I kept seeing myself dead…I saw a paper with my name on it…”توفيت الى رحمة الله الطالبه “شمس أحمد this paper was hanging in my colg.
I wondered how my friends will know abt it…esp those who been a while since we talked…I thought abt my best friend…when can she know…after few weeks? Month? It wont be more than tht…
I’m still so afraid…afraid to sleep but never wake up. I wanted to wake my mum up and ask her to sleep beside me…but I couldn’t…and I was really going to wake up and tell my parents that I’m going to die..because I really felt I was going to.
All of this time I was sitting on bed trying to sleep…I succeeded in sleeping…but after less than an hour I woke up again and got the same feeling…
My heart was beating so fast that I felt it’s’s going to stop a minute or another.
I was upset because I didn’t want to die this way…and I was thinking about everything I wanted to do in life.
After a long straggle I finally fell asleep…and woke up to colg.
I couldn’t stop thinking abt death..and wasn’t really sure…what am I supposed to do?
I asked my friend…
“do we feel that we are going to die before dying?”
“ do u know someone who felt so wala eh?”
“c’mon maybe it’s only stress we r all loaded this year”
“I don’t know…but I really feel it so much”
“ok…stop it now plz coz I don’t know how to react in such situations..cheer up keda we ed3ey”
“I do, I just feel weird”.

She changed the subject…

I still get tht feeling at night…sometimes at day… and I found a friend of mine giving me a book to read…

Sub7an Allah…it was abt death maybe it was just a coincidence…

I’m sorry…this might be a very disappointing post.. is might be my last post..? I don’t know…

I can feel tht there is a msg for me…or it can be only colg stress…who knows…

I need your prayers

Monday, November 19, 2007

I feel strange l8ly , for the 1st time I don’t think how many yrs r left till I graduate , now I’m only months away…
For the 1st time I feel tht I’m OLD..not too old..but I never noticed my age b4, I’ve always felt tht I’m a still a child…a teenage…I don’t know how to explain tht but I’ve looked at myself in the mirror…and I felt I’m a young lady…I have responsibilities.
I have a life and a future to start.
I don’t know why I got this feeling now…maybe coz I was so confused abt wht to make after graduating..i have many choices and I don’t know wht to do..and how to start.
I feel I want to make many things in the same time…
I want to make my masters
I want to keep up with the band
I want to work as an air hostess and in the same time write in a magazine
I want to learn continue my German course and take a Spanish one too.
I want to continue my Quran lessons.
I want to make an e-mag
I want to volunteer in 57357 hospital
I want to join culture wheel and make a membership
I want to join some yoga’s lessons
I want to study metaphysics online

And many many things tht rn’t on my mind now

Life is passing by so quickly , I’m afraid to die before leaving a sign , and I really hope I’d leave one…
dear i wish i was a butterfly
thnx alot dear for ur concern , =) u made my day bgad, i'm so exhausted and have lots of things to do everyday...barly find time to sleep =(..yeah colg is killing me tht's y i am away, and sadly it's not just the grad project...i feel i'm committing suicide this yr =D...
ed3ely plz hunny
thnx alot =)

Saturday, November 10, 2007

i've been facing weird situations on my way home l8ly.. :S
i never thought tht there still something in some ppl called N-I-C-E or S-W-E-E-T....
i was "sayma"on a colg day and going home after "el- ma3'reb"prayer as usual..."3adi 3adi"
when "el 2athan"was starting i 4got to buy anything to break my seyam with...i searched in my bag for anything but i all i found always...gum.
then i heard the guy siting behind me calling...


i turned and found him offering me a chocolate patee..i was surprised... and didn't get it at 1st..

enty sayma we lesa el tare2 tawel..he said smiling...

i was still did he knew tht i'm sayma :S?...

i was puzzled for a while then i said, merci gazak allah 5yran...and smiled bl =)

he kept offering it again for a while... and i kept thanking him all over again..

i'm still surprised how did he know tht i'm sayma !!
i was bk from my friend's house..standing in "medan lelt el qadr"waiting for a nice cute tok-tok to drive me home... * there r no much taxies in 6 october yet*
so...i was standing...then i heard someone from behind..

hwa 7adretek 3awza tero7y feen?

i was :s 1st then i answered...el 7ay el estesmary....

he: 3and masaken el shabab? his acsent seemed not egyptian...

me: umm..yes??

he: tayeb ana saken henak law te7by awsalek fe tare2y...

me: :S la2 merci awi gazak Allah 5yran...

he: gazana wa 2eyakom...bas law te7by awslek 3ashn mato2fesh keda...

me: la la merci ana harkb 3ala tool isA.

he: =) ok..ber7tek..

after abt 5 min. i didn't notice he was still standing...
then he goes again...


me: *awel mara 7ad yeklmny be zo2 awi keda fa tab3an tana7t*...yes...

him: belah 3alek mynfa3sh to2fy lewa7ed keda...yaret te2baly awsalek..mat5fesh walahi!...

me: rabena ye5alek merci keter bgad bas ana isA hrkab 3ala tool....

him: asly mesh 3awez asebk keda...

me: merci awi rabena ye5alek...ana met3aweda ..

him: *disappointed* tayeb...mesh 3wza ay 7aga?

me: gazak allah 5yran

him: gazana wa 2eyakom...

*btw he looked so decent awi*

we tab3an elhumdolelah eny ana 3oyony mesh daba7a we sha3ry mesh asfar we byter fel hawa , fa i'm sure it wasn't fact i was coming bk from colg wearing my janesport back bag so i wasn't in my best looks either... lol

anyways i'm really surprised...feeh keda fel denia?...
sub7an Allah....i thought these kinds of guys died in the war as everyone

it's also nice to feel tht stranger can care abt u more than ppl u a way u still matter for someone even if u don't know...

weird... =)

Monday, October 29, 2007

i'd like to thank i wish i was a butterfly for tagging me =)..thnx alot sweetie i was really glad
كنت طالب شاطر في المدرسة؟
بصراحه مش اوى مش لدرجه التفوق بس كنت بذاكر يعنى و بجيب مجاميع حلوة بس مش داحيحه يعنى لانى بكره الحفظ و المشكله ان نظام التعليم عندنا بيمشى بالحفظ بس, هوه انا فى تانيه ثانوى جبت مجموع مهبب بس كان بسبب الصحوبيه بعيدن حولت فى تالته ادبى و ذكرت جامد مع انى بكره التاريخ...و الحمد لله زدت حاوالى 10 % و ده رفعلى المجموع اوى و بصراحه انا حاسين انى فخوره بنفسى جدا لا ن عادتا الواحد بيقل فى تالته فى حسيت انى بذلت مجهود و كسرت قاعده
ايه كانت أحب مادة ليك في المدرسة و الكلية؟
الاحياء و انا علم علوم و الفلسفه و انا ادبى
اما فى الكليه فهما كتير شويه:
اولا: كل مواد المسرح زى الديكور و الاضاءة,نقد مسرحى, تحليل مسرحى, فن الكتابة المسرحية
ثانيا:مواد الصحافه و التليفزيون و التتصوير
ثالثا: علم النفس
أكره مادة ليك في المدرسة و الكلية؟
الرياضه انا كنت حماره فيها و بمجرد لما بشوف ارقام بهرش فى راسى :)
فى الكليه بكره كل ماده ليها علاقه بالتربيه
كنت عايز تطلع ايه و انت صغير؟
الاول دكتورة بيطريه
ثانيا مضيفه جويه
ثالثا عالمه فلك او كمياء
اخيرا صحفيه و كاتبه انشاء الله و لسه بفكر بردو فى المضيفه الجوية
أغرب حاجة اتمنيتها هي إني ابقى؟
سواقه تاكسى و مش عافه ليه؟ يمكن لانى بحب السواقه اوى
اسم مدونتك؟
my fantasy world =)
لماذا اخترته؟ و ما هي نيتك من اختياره؟
فى اغنيه اجنبيه بتقول:
i am the princess in there nothing wrong in my fantasy world
tht's it's called fantasy world and the site is vip-rincess which mean very important princess =D
i feel i'm a princess so i created my own world
هل فكرت في اغلاق مدونتك؟ و السبب
لا لانى كاتبه ذكريات حلوة اوى و البلوج بمثابة ارشيف و مذكره زى مذكراتى الى بكتبها على الورق
صورتك في المدونة... رمزيتها
انا كنت حاطه صورت بنت فى لعبه بحبها جدا و بتربطنى بيها علاقه جميله و خاصه بعدين شلتها و حطيت صورة بنت محجبه عجبتنى اوى بس مش اكتر
أحلى جملة قيلت لك في وصف مدونتك؟
بصراحه مفيش حاجه معينة
التعليقات بالنسبة لك. أهميتها
هوه فلاول كنت بكتب و مش بهتم اوى لكن مع اول تعليق كنت مبسوطه اوى و حبه ان الناس تقراء البلوج
ما أحلى بوست كتبته؟ ضع اللينك ثم اذكر لماذا
بدون غرور لقدر الله مش هقول ان كلهم حلوين لكن كل واحد ليه معزه خاصه عندى عشان كل حاجه كتبها فى ظروف معينه فانا بصراحه محتارة جدا و عشان كده مش هكتب حاجه
أحلى مدونة قرأتها
تنفيس لابو صلاح
منمن بنوته
نفسى اكون فراشه i wish i was a butterfly
حد قل أدبه في التعليق؟ عملت ايه؟
الحمد لله لا
إيه اللي هيحصل لايميلك لما تموت؟
هاهاها اكيد هيتقفل يعنى
اديت الباسورد لحد قبل كدة؟
ايه كانت علاقتك بيه؟
هوه انتمتى عارفاها بس مش حافظها لانى ساعات بطلب منها تفتحلى اليميل لو عندى مشكله
اول حاجه بتصحى... شمس
اسم الدلع المشهور بيه وسط أصحابك
أووش او سوشى
مجال دراستك؟
الاعلام التربوى
شخصيتك... نوعها ايه؟
انا بحس ان فيه و كل حاجه مش عارفه ازاى يعنى ساعات بكون برده اوى و ساعات بكون حساسه جدا و ساعات بحس انى لذيذه و ساعات بحث انى سخيفه بس حاجه اكيده الناس اجمعوا عليها و هى انى طيبة الحمد لله بس مش لدرجه الهبل
مودك ايه؟
عادتا بتأثر بالناس الى حوليا
بتعمل ايه في وقت فراغك؟
بتفرج على فيلم
قاعد على اللاب توب
بعزف او بغنى
الأكلة المفضلة؟
الشعريه الطويله noddles
البطاطس المحمرة
السفر بالنسبة لك؟
بحبه جدا و نفسى الف العالم
و بحب طريق السفر الطويل اوى
صفات أخدتها من بابا
الطيبه و احترام الجميع و الذوق و الكرم
صفات أخدتها من ماما
الكتمان و انى اكون اجتماعيه و الحنيه
أكتر 6 حاجات بتكرهها
السرقه : و دى ليها قصه طويله اوى صعب احكيها دلوقتى
الصوت العالى و الزعيق
الاذلال المعنوى
أكتر 6 حاجات بتحبها
العب و العرايس
افلام الكرتون
قيام الليل
الشغل بالنسبة لك
هوه اساس وجودى على الارض سواء شغل شغل او شغلى كا أم
ايه الكمبيوتر و النت بالنسبة لك؟
واخد جزء كبير اوى من يومى و انا اتبسط اوى لما جبت اللاب توب لانى حسيت بخصوصيه فا بحبه اوى اوى اوى
تمرر التاج لمييييين؟
ابو صلاح
عبدالرحمن ابو بكر
واحده متفزلكه

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Colg wasn't like everyday...i missed my colg best friend and dear sister mona =(...she's sick so she couldn't come.

and really i felt so sad coz she wasn't around...i really felt i miss her alot
she always make me laugh out loud!, the funniest gurl i've ever met =D

i really hope she'd recover soon so she can come...MISS HER

i felt i wanna cry...most of ppl at colg r my frineds..

but i have only 2 who r so close to my heart...2 tht i hate to go to colg when they r not there.

i'll pray for her...

miss u dear =( tegy bel salama isA

Saturday, October 27, 2007

You, me and the broken hearts

For all the hearts that been broken
For all the tears that been shed
For all the souls that been falling
For all the lies that been said

For all the dreams that faded away
For all the love that can never stay
For all the times we tried
For all the years we lived and smiled

For all the pain you caused to me
For all the passion inside of me
For all the wishes I wished for us
For all the people I no more trust

For all the scars in her and me
For everything you turned to be

It’s time to heal and change my life
It’s time to cut your picture with a knife

It’s time to leave all the past behind
It’s time to get off the dark, long night

It’s time for you , her and me
To move on
And forget the word “HE”

Sunshine (20)

The best time i usualy spend is with my life comapnion "Nano". yesterday was so weird for both of us we cried alot then we went mad and laughed like hell.

i can't deny tht we both have some misunderstanding btween eachothers but it's ok we are humans =D and i feel it's kinda boring if we had the same characters like mirror...


as i said, yesterday was weird...we were ending our misrable era and starting a new life...

facing our past and healing it with our love for eachothers...

and both of us were comfort by our man and brother Ahmed =)...

the 3 of us r so nuts =D we were friends since 8 yrs ago...we do all the crazy things togther, i feel as if we r a real family...sometimes i wish if i can spend the rest of my life living with them...loving eachothers and caring for eachothers.

althought yesterday wasn't exactly as i hoped at all...but maybe it's time to turn the page and start writing a new one...

tht wht i do for living...writing...but i still can't write in my book of life.

i hope this can be an end and a start.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Today was so weird! I met one of my very best and dear friends ever =).

I never thought I’d meet her coincidence in the CTA.
I was sitting in the front seat with my best friend on our way to Mahaad El awarm, when I saw Ingy getting into the CTA…

I was puzzled!! I was like OH MY God I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S U! , the thing is I was just thinking abt her on the way and decided to call her when I get home…empathy is really working well with me lol.

I found my self screaming her name INGY INGY, and we both were stunned lol.
As I wanted her to sit beside me I asked my colg friend if I can sit on her leggs for a while =D.
I really missed her so much…and till now I can’t believe I saw her!
We talked and talked and kept staring at eachothers as if been yrs.
I was so excited as the beginning of my day and off course I couldn’t let her leave without taking a pic for her.
She also introduced me to a friend of her and told tht her friend was a fan of mine! She gets teenstuff and read my poems…she even search for my poems by name in each issue…
She said “ I’m so happy to meet u , I love ur poems ur so gr8 msA, and u sometimes makes me cry too , really I’m so so glad”
I blushed :B
In my life I never knew I was known..i never knew tht anyone really reads my poems..and OH MY GOD I have fans?!
We talked for a while and I was happy to know tht there ppl who believe in me..ppl I don’t know and never met…
Tht made me overwhelmed!!!


After Ingy and her friend get down for their station…we were on our way to mahaad al awram….
Then after sometimes we got there and I saw the rest of our friends waiting out side…then we entered the place…and honestly I was kinda shaking and my heart started to beat little bit faster…I was worried abt my reaction.
The place wasn’t as bad as I thought…it wasn’t so crowed , but it was in action all day.
Big halls with seats, a cafeteria in a corner for tea and coffee, and little place selling some sandwiches…
Everyone was kinda silent…sitting , drinking and waiting…

I hate waiting..

Then I noticed some ppl carrying their kids..even old kids like 12 yrs old…
Kids were both gurls and boys…little gurls putting on small hats or veils.
Boys wearing caps..sometimes without…there was just no hair..

The building is so huge abt 6 floors or something…we went to the 4th and 5th floor were we visited some chambers and a new library they r going to open by nxt week..
And again there was a medium halls with seats…

Again many parents outside sitting…some sitting on the stairs…some one the ground..even some were sleeping on their bags *some ppl came from long distance*
We didn’t enter any of the kids chambers..
but ..
I glanced and felt pain all over my body…I felt the pain of needles , pills and chemical medication…
There were many ages…starting from 1 yr old till 18 yrs old…

I looked at the parents for a while…they were all sitting..waiting for the unknown , crying without tears…

That was hard…and when we were abt to leave…I started to tear…

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

well i thought abt riting abt myslef and thnx to who suggested and supported me =Dactually it can be like my here it is my 1st biography ever in my blog =)

Name: Shams Ahmed Mohamed Mostafa El-Hewify
Nickname: SunShine =)
Date of birth: 29th june 1987
Home: raised in Imbaba, giza had a life time in Zamalek living in 6 october
Studies:Faculty of Specific Education , Mass com. dep.

about myself:
I'm a poet: i love poetry and write english poems
I'm a writer: i love writing, it's the only thing i can do well *i guess*
I'm a musician: i played violin and now playing bass guitar
I'm a reader: i love reading novels soemtimes books, i love reading abt metaphysics.
I'm a human being: i think ppl r all humans no one's higher than anyone we r all gonna die, i hate humilation and stealing most.

i'm looking forward to be the best muslim journalist and take noble prize, i'll also have my own magazin someday isA..
i will

i love animals
i adore dogs as pets they r the best animals =)
i hate cats ans pigs i adore music...english mostly and all kinds of music starting with romantice and pop ending with rock and metal
i like movies...esp. comedy and horrer
i like learning abt super natural powers *ESP* and all the metaphysics world and i'm kinda getting good in it and even rit articles abt it
i like trying new things and everthing *almost*

most people tell me tht i'm empathatic, i have strong empathy ability lol and it's something i'm proud of...feeling others is a gr8 bless =)

i guess tht's all for now..dunno wht else to say if i remembered anything i'll edit isA =)
thnx alot for reading

Saturday, October 20, 2007

y do i get the feeling tht i'm losing everyone around me?...


don't give up on me...i don't wanna be alone...plz

i don't want to pretend happiness anymore...i want to feel it

i wish i can stop crying...fed of it...


just stay with me!!! it's not alot to ask for!!!!



Friday, October 19, 2007

I was thinking during the past few days...was blog made for personal stuff or general y would i rit abt myself? who on earth would care to read abt my crap??
shouldn't i rit something useful instead?
umm....maybe riting abt myself is nonesense but i still got a point!....i mean maybe i don't rit impressing things ...but once in a while someone can get anything from it.
my mind is numb now..i can't think of not sure of wht i'm riting...
rn't i babling now?

ok i'm going...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Well I couldn't tell you

why she felt that way,She felt it everyday.

And I couldn't help her,

I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, whats wrong now?

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs,

where she belongs.

She wants to go home,

but nobody's home.

That's where she lies,

broken inside.

With no place to go, no place to go,

to dry her eyes.

Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside,

find the reasons why.

You've been rejected,

and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs,

where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

That's where she lies, broken inside.

With no place to go, no place to go,

to dry her eyes.

Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.

Her dreams she can't find.

She's losing her mind.

She's fallen behind.

She can't find her place.

She's losing her faith.

She's falling from grace.

She's all over the place!

nobody's home by: Avril lavigne

i prayed tht today i'd feel better..and when i was abt to recover , it changed my whole day..i felt worse...i felt crumbling..

the worst of all it made me tear again... i thought there were no more tears

but it staped hard...right through the heart.

i have no where else to be...i feel the world is getting bigger and bigger

no place for me in where to run and cry

maybe i just need to vanish ...hoping everyone would b happy tht way

i failed to be anything...

a friend..

a lover...

a sister...

an even a writer

just everything...

maybe i have to go away...or stay away is a better word.

i should stop bothering others...i should stop making them feel sad for me
i hate be "Nekadeya"

am i bad? is it my fault?

maybe i just can't be good in anything...

this aint me...
plz God help..

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I know
that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if
you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find
A girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you
(oooh) I wanna run to you
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay
or will you run away

Each day,
each day
I play the role Of someone
always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there,
no one cares for me
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
I need you here
I need you here
to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much...

by: whiteny huosten

Saturday, October 13, 2007

i went to pray "salat al 3eid ", i was all alone by my self.

the weather was so cool and foggy i can c the dew all over cars, tress and if the whole world was all washed from sins and starting a new brand life.

i can hear the emam saying "Allahu akbr kabera Walhumdo lelah kathera..."through the mic so loud and strong.

the masjid was so crowed and i hardly found a place...i love the way the masjid full of ppl , men , women and kids...u can see the joy of eid in there eyes.

some kids had balloons already lol.

i got my camera to take some photos but sadly the batteries were empty =(.

i loved the voice of ppl while praying when they say "Allahu akbr"then saying "Ameen"in the opening all together in one loud come we r a weak ummah? i woner!.

bk after the pray i walk into the fog again...hardly see anything...i thought for a while if it can be paradise...i tried to imagine as hard as i can the houses the gardens...

i felt i was a spirit flying in heaven...the cool breeze was cooling me.

i take a deep breathe and then take it out slowly.

tht was a gr8 feeling...

I still feel deppressed...i cry but with no tears...but still crying
i wish i can know wht's bothering me tht much, i appreciate those ppl who r trying to make me feel better...yeah nothing worth it..but i still feel i'm in pain
i feel i'm so alone
i wish i can find someone's shoulder to cry on...maybe tht y my tears don't wanna fall...
sadly..there no one there...
i don;t wanna walk through this but i guess i have to, sometimes it's better to face our fears
i'm sorry i'm not feeling ok
i'm sorry for myself
and really wish to get through it

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

y do i find it so hard to say wht's bothering me? y i don't say wht makes me sad or upset..
y i don't tell ppl when i'm sad from them?
is tht weakness???

i still can't sleep

i think i'm busy thinking...

but wht am i thinking of?

tomorrow? or after?..y do i feel so confused?

i'm afraid to go and walk into my past...i'm afraid to get hurt by the present

"i was me but now she's gone "

am i fading into black?

i should get a new hair cut..makes me feel like a new born

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I hardly slept the past few days , but today i totally couldn't sleep
today is the 27th of ramadan..lalylt al qadr..
ramadan went so fast and soon all the demons will be free again one more time

so prepare for the war...

tht reminded me with the quote in the terminator movie "I'LL BE BACK" loool

u know honestly i found out tht there r humans who r worse than the demons and devils them selves...yes... and even deserve more than HELL

anyways i decided to enjoy the last moments of matter wht and no matter who
i want to feel the bless

i want to catch anything before the world becomes up side down again

اللهم انك عفو كريم تحب العفو فعفو عنا
somtimes when ppl say...i'm here if u wanna talk....i care...
do they really mean so?, but wht do they do to prove their care?


i hate it when ppl make me feel tht i'm pathetic....don't feel sry for me...

sometimes i hate being online..coz simply sum ppl don't care enf to ask except when i'm ONLINE....

and it goes like "oh u don't come online tht much"'s nice of u to notice tht...but i think when i die...u wont even know it...

u know wht?...


Sunday, October 07, 2007

life is so confusing..
a moment make u happy
the folllowing make u sad
y do we always seek happieness?
is happieness gonna make us happy?
is there sumthing called happieness?
i don't i happy?
even happieness make us tear sometimes
is it normal to feel ur life is upside down?
is it normal to feel sad without a reason?

i was told many times tht my words r full of sadness
but it's a part of wht inside me
i'm not pessimistic
and i don't know y am sad now

days r passing i'm not feeling with much progress
i feel i'm wasting my time breathing
a bit useless
i'm tired
am i killing myself?

i want someone to slap me on my face so i'd wake up

p.s: thnx for whom stood by me all the nit chatting..i really appreciate tht and sry for wasting ur time =) i'm glad i gained a new friendship

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Should i cry or should i smile?

i remembered when i told u...tht we'd be best friends for all the things in common we have. too many things...weird things...maybe it's wht made so close so fast

understand eachothers from a sight.


sometimes when i feel so stressed up...i just wish to run over and cry for u.

i wish i'd call u and complain from everything.

just because i know u'll understand and listen and even make me feel alright.


ur not there...

now i remembered a song, white flag by dido..

I know

you think that

I shouldn't still love you,

Or tell you that.

But if I didn't say it,

well I'd still have felt it

where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction

to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I'm sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I'll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I've moved on....

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Yesterday i wished to die
i don't know y
but i had this stronge thought of death
wht makes ppl think tht death is a bad thing?
i just felt i'm sick of my self
i hate to feel tht i'm a weak person
i hate to feel tht i have to obay the orders without talking
have to listen and be silent for wht i hate
have to be hypocrite and say wht i don't wanna say
isn't tht weakness?
for how long is it gonna be bearable?

ان ليك عند الكلب حاجه قوله يا سيدى

nothing else i can say......

حسبنا الله و نعم الوكيل

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

لو قالولك اختار عصر من عصور مصرعلشان تعيش فيه تختار اى عصر و فى عهد اى حاكم .. واشمعنى؟
عصر سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم او حرب 1973 لان نفسى اوى اجاهد فى سبيل الله و اموت شهيده

اول اولويه فى حياتك عيلتك ولا شغلك ولا اصحابك؟

ايه اكتر حاجه بتحبها فى رمضان؟
لحظات قبل الفطار و صلات قيام الليل , التمرهندى و الفانوس ابو شمعه و شكل الشوارع و هي فيها زينه

اوصف ليا اجمل فطار ممكن تفطره؟
فطار مع عيلتى كلها او مع صحابى كلهم و فيه اكل كتيييييييييييييييييييييييير و الواحد يشبع يا دوب لما يشرب الشوربه بس

لو انت حاكم على مجموعه من الافراد هتكون عادل؟؟ طب هتعمل ايه عشان تتأكد انك حاكم عادل؟
اكيد كل واحد هيقول انه هيكون عادل بس انا بحس ان الكرسى ده ممكن يغي الواحد غصب عنه فانا شخصيا افضل التنازل على العرش بس ممكن امسك حاجه فالوزارة و ياريت تكون الاعلام

اللى بيبوظ الحكام..نفسهم ؟ ولا الشعب ؟ ولا الحاشية المقربة؟؟
كلهم حاجه واحده بنى ادم فا الكل مظلوم و الكل مسؤل
مين أكتر اعلامي مصري بتحترمه؟
خيرى رمضان

قريت ديوان عمر مصطفى صاحب بلوج تجربه " اسباب وجيهه للفرح" عن دار ملامح و لا لسه ؟؟ لو اه ايه رايك فيه؟؟
لو ممكن تشتغل شغلانه تانيه غير اللى انت بتشتغلها او كنت بتشتغلها كنت تتمنى تبقى ايه؟
انا منفعش فى حاجه غير الكتابه
ايه تانى بلد تتمنى تعيش فيها بعد مصر؟
اسبنيا,المنيا, اليابان او جزر هاواى

اوصف ليا ترتيبات اجمل فرح ممكن تحضرها؟
نفسى احضر فرح اسلامى اوى انا عمتا بحب الافراح الهاديه

بتراعي كلام الناس والقيل والقال؟ لو اه او لو لا قول لى ليه؟
انا على طول بهتم بكلام الناس عنى و عن الحاجات الى بكتبها سواء بالسلبى او الايجابى لانى للاسف مش واثقه فى نفسى حبتين فا بحب اعرف راى الناس

السعاده هى؟
صعب ان يكون فى تعريف للسعاده لانها بتختلف من حد للتناى فانا نفسى مش عارفه بس حاجات كتير بتخلينى سعيده
عندك أمل؟
عندى امل و عمر و كولوا بس ممكن يجيلى احباط بسرعه
لما تحب تهرب من كل شئ بتروح فين؟
بكتب فى المذكرات بتعتى او بنام و بحط المخده على وشى و احضنها و اعيط
لما بتعمل عمل خيرى بيكون ايه هو دافعك الاول؟
انى اسعد الى بعملو الخير و ارضى ربنا عنى

بتشرب سجاير؟ لو الاجابه اه ايه شعورك لو شفت ست بتشرب سجاير؟ وليه ؟
عادى انا بضايق لما اشوف ست او راجل بيشربوا سجاير

بتعرف ايدك اليمين من الشمال ازاي؟
ايدى اليمين بعمل بيها كل حاجه تقريبا

ايه اكتر اله موسيقيه بتحبها ؟
الكمانجه بحبها من زمان لانها اكتر اله عاطيفيه بالنسبالى ده الى خالانى اتعلمها و بعديها على الطول و الجيتار بالذات bass بعد ما اتعلمته عليه
و اخيرا الهارب و الماريمبا و البيانوه
فى رأيك ليه الذوق والنخوه اتعدموا؟
لا مش اوى صاوبعك مش زى بعضها بردو بس يمكن من ضغط الحياة و مرور الزمن الواحد بكون فى نرفزه على طول و خلقه ضيق
ايه الحاجه اللى لو حصلتلك تبقى سعيد قوى؟؟
انى اعمل المجله الى بحلم بيها
انى اموت شهيده

تختار يبقى عندك...ارض زراعيه ولا اجنس عربيات و لا كام عماره و لا فلوس فى البنك؟؟
فلوس كتييييييييييييييييييييييير عشان اجيب ارض و عربيه و كام عمارة اسكن فيهم الناس الغلابه و اعمل مجلتى و مسجد و اطلع حج انا و اهلى و اجبلهم كل الى نفسهن فيه
البحر و لا النيل؟
النيل بليل و البحر الصبح بدرى
مركب و لا طياره؟؟
مجنون و لا عاقل؟
محدش عاقل اليومين دول بالرغم من ان ربنا سبحان و تعالى ميز الانسان بالعقل
تقرأ كتاب و لا تتفرج عليه فيلم؟
الاتنين بس انا بحب اقراء القصص اوى لان خيالى واسع و بتخيل القصص الى بقراءها
امتى قولت ياااااااااااااااااااااااااااااه انا كبرت؟
لما اخوتى الاتنين خلفوا و حسيت انى بقيت خاله
بتمرر التاج لمين؟؟
لاى حد يحب يجوبه و احب اشكر بنوته (منى) الى قالتلى اجوبه

Monday, October 01, 2007

“So don’t you see?
That I’m truly free
This piece of scarf on me,
I wear so proudly…”

Those words were by Sami yusuf, I love hearing this song so much, and it makes me recall some very old memories…
When I first wore my veil, my hijab…
Back to 2001 / 2002 I was about 13 or 14 years old in 3rd prep school, I was like all the other girls looking forward to get a new short haircut, maybe cool highlights too..
And as for clothes I couldn’t take off my eyes of that baby blue jeans and the hot pink top…I got to get those! That was my main target.
Although my two sisters were veiled, this idea never crossed my mind for a second, I was happy the way I am, I’m a good person even if I’m not wearing a veil, I mean I feast , I pray and everything else…so it’s not a big deal.
No one really talked me about hejab before even my mum which was so great because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was kind of avoiding it when ever it’s mentioned from anyone.
My best friend was the only veil girl in our class, she was doing her best to convince me with it but I was closing all the doors…I never knew why I never tried to listen and give it chance before then I figured out that I was only trying to…hide.
Hiding from a truth and hiding for doing a right thing…yes I didn’t want to admit that.
At the beginning of the school week as me and my best friend were walking way home I found her giving me tape saying: “would you only hear this please? I think you will like it…and maybe you would wear it by the end of the week”.
As I loved her so much I had to take the tape…I kept thinking on my way home…to hear or not to hear the tape…
I decided to put on the tape and give it a shot, it’s not going to harm anyway…few minuets and I started to cry…I closed my eyes…I imagine my self standing in front of God…asking me...”did anyone convince you with praying? Did anyone convince you with fasting?”…I was speechless…no comment…that what I was fearing to hear. That was what I kept running from.
It’s not the man in the tape who made a change point in my life…put his words and his way opened a new door inside my self. A new way of thinking.
I kept thinking…how I love to make anything that could please my mum and dad and how I’m so thankful for everything they gave to me and made me the way I am….so what about my Lord who created me by himself from the first place?...isn’t he the most ONE I should try to please first? Isn’t he the ONE who really made me the way I am? me all I want?...and I still need someone to convince me with what he asks for?....I hated myself when I thought of that very very much…but I thought if God didn’t love me he wouldn’t have let me hear the tape. I mean I had the chance not to hear it…so for the 1st time in my life…I felt love and bliss.
So, I couldn’t wait for the end of the week to wear it, I couldn’t go to school without it at all…although I had no suitable clothes for it or even scarves…but girls can always mange things when they want so I asked my sisters for help and they didn’t disappoint me. =)
I was so excited to go to school with it and see how my friends going to react especially my best friend…
I entered and here it was a very big wooooow in the playground all my friends staring at me smiling and kissing me as if I got engaged, and my best friend took my hands showing me to everyone around…I was extremely happy until I heard something that really shocked me… a friend of mine said...”what the hell you did to yourself!!! Take it off quickly!!! QUICKLY!” she wasn’t the only one who shocked me that day.
I was stunned for a while…I didn’t know what to say…I went home a little bit frustrated and prayed, I was complaining to God. Is that what I get? I thought that will make me much better person not a freak!
I calmed down for a while and started realizing that the way is not going to be so easy. No way is a piece of cake you have to fight and be strong…not to fall down. And this thing worth fighting for.
Many many things came on my way telling me take it off, take it off, I was more like struggling in this world but I enjoyed it because for the 1st time in my life I felt I was fighting for my right as a normal muslim girl.
Actually there were 2 main things i was fighting about, fighting for my veil and fighting against it.
My 1st battle was with people who think that wearing it makes me narrow minded, strict, and not COOL girl, more like hiding my head completely not just my HAIR. I once heard from a guy that he won’t let his wife wear the veil because he thinks she will look like servants and he definitely can’t go out with her that way!
Now I want to ask a question.. Did anyone noticed before that nuns wear the same thing on their hear? Yes they are VEILD with long dresses and long sleeves. Can anyone show them disrespect or call them servants?
My 2nd battle was with VEILD girls. When sometimes I asked my friends about wearing the veil they say…” don’t you see the veil girls in streets? “. It’s a shame how some girls disrespect their veil and even wear it for other intentions. And that how people get bad ideas about veiled girls and some how Muslims in general.
And now I will ask you another question…we can’t judge all people like one, can we?
I’m not trying to convince girls with wearing the veil and I’m not trying to be some kind of new “She5a”, I’m sharing my experience hoping I can open the door for someone…and hoping that every girl would respect enough her hijab, and finally hoping that people won’t think we are empty headed girls…

“Why can’t you just accept me?” she says“Why can’t I just be me?” she saysTime and time again
You speak of democracy
Yet you rob me of my libertyAll I want is equalityWhy can’t you just let me be free?”….

By a proud veiled girl : Sunshine (20)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

seeing the world and seeing my life from a completely new..LENSE!. i got a new glasses it look so neat lol making me dizzy till now.
but it made me see my life in a different way...more clear..more wide..more...i dont know. but even when simple things change..larg things change too.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I cried last nit as i wished, i was about to sleep but i couldn't so i sit in bed and just brust into tears , stuffed my head in the pillow as i always do,i don't know y i was crying or y i felt like i wanna cry.
i miss lots of things...

i miss my dogs
i miss our family fridays
i miss my old friends
i miss travis mullen
i miss dreaming
i miss feeling blessed from inside
i miss my inner self
i miss myself very much

somtimes i wonder who am i now?

i think i need to cry more tonit

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I decided not to be broken by love , i think there is bigger much bigger things that can break a person....when i think of those who lost their families....their lands and dignety, i think again why should someone be broken hearted by someone who doesn't worth.
no one worth

Saturday, September 15, 2007

-i've been waiting for ramadan long time...i need those spiritual awesome moments. makes me feel content, and i planned to make it one of my best ramadans ever isA.
it's still passing so weirdly not like the every ramadan, fridays r even weirder....there is no our usual " lamaet el fetar" there is a different lama now new families and new faces , new grandparents , new grandchildren and new aunts =).
pretty new , pretty getting old.

-i don't know why i always dream of ppl who wants to kill me?, and mostly i fighting and trying to protect others sometimes dogs...weird...usualy i die in the end and i feel how death is like mostly.
y am i protecting others and not me? y i don't think abt myself even in my own dreams ?

-tomorrow 1st day at colg and last yr in it too, can't deny my fears but i want to be stronger and stronger than the last yrs.
isA i'll get gayed gedan as my final grade and will get emtyaz in my graduation's project =).
i'm praying to be one of the best journalists and writers , having my own best selling mag. having nobel prize.....

=) i'll go pray
a reply for duon: poodles anymore =)..they didn't pass away, but if u checked my older posts u'd know tht i had to let them go...well long story better not to recall.

i'm so gratfull for ur trust in me Ali , honestly i still wonder y do u tell me this and u don't know me that much.u didn't read much of my stuff too and actually i do want to send u some of my writtings and take ur opinion...i really appreciate it so much coz i believe u r saying the truth without compliments.

and i remind u of ur self? REALLY? lol u sounded like 30 yrs old saying so, but thnx for such a thing =).
well i still have many to say and many to ask too =D....

thnx alot again for ur care =) now i check my blog every hour to c ur replies =D loool

Sub7an Allah!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

i hate it when my parents shout out for nothing, maybe tht's y i grew up hating everyone who shouts or lose his/her temper quickly.
seriously it's a terrible annoying thing.
plz u plz stop shouting?! coz ur ruining the happieness like this.
i love u but plz stop it !

Monday, September 10, 2007

it's amazing how i can make others happy =) yes i feel i can do tht for real. seeing them smiling laughing and hugging me tenderly is a gr8 feeling.
seeing them all around me makes feel happy...i am happy..really i am.
maybe my mind was little busy...but i was doing my best to be in the mood, sorry if i ruinded it a bit..but thank u for making me happy...being happy is an easy thing to make.
thank you.
i'm happy
i'm glad
i feel good
am i crazy?
the last week was a mixing of happieness and sadness together...1st on wednsday a dear family member passed away...she was like my real grandma as we spend fridays with her as we used to do with my grandparents...all of a sudden she left...i wish i have seens her before going away...or maybe it was better so i don't feel more bad...actually it was weird how i reacted after i knew the news..
we were all sleeping and my sisters were there too...then suddenly i heard my sister dee crying i thought i was dreming so i kept sleeping then i woke up again on everybody's cry... i paniced from bed a ran over to them i found everyone crying.
i don't know but i cried before knwoing the news...then my 2nd sis told me , "teta shafa3a tawfet".
i was paused for a while...sit on a chair and kept silent for few hours with my hands on my head...i didn't cry though...i don't know i felt i am in a long boring dream and i was trying to wake up...tht night was so so long one..thank God it passed.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

It's the 1st novel tht ever made me cry...really it was so so touching i never thought it would so THT gr8!
the characters r so deep and touches ur heart, their description , their insides and outs..make u imagine the novel live....
i like tht part in me when i imagine conversations and picture the view as if i'm seeing a film....yeah i'm imaginative and finaly found something nice in me...
back to the point...
it's the 1st time to read something or anything abt know how much they suffered like the other countries...and to know tht they r still suffering.
i feel it's too bad to leave ur country in war time...escaped and live away from ur home..or get killed by one of ur OWN country old friend..hard choice...
the political side was represented within the conflict btw the characters..and the conflict in there inner selves too... so i felt the characters r truly holding more meanings than it shows.
i liked tht he used some arabic and farsi words and good choice in choosing the characters names too...
really i enjoyed reading it...

Friday, August 31, 2007

the holiday wasn't so nice this's was sooo hot so crowded and kinda boring. it's the 1st time for me not to like it so much...i got sick from the second day...cold :S.
and my heart beats were so tiring *have no idea y* made me feel dizzy actually for a while i thought i was dying... i kinda freaked them out a bit i myself freaked out! coz it's the 1st time to be tht tired...might go to a doctor of the 3rd time!!! and might not! who cares anyways lol.
i was looking forward to come bk home *be fare3'el sabr* i missed everything and felt i stayed for like month !
i thought of surprising my friends with coming bk eariler...but... i don't know was it a surprise or more like a ....i don't know but i couldn't feel them sooo, u know...
whtever..there is something wrong....
i still had little fun there coz i was with my family and relatives we were abt 20 ppl! and most of them were my age and my best friend so i had no chance to feel alone..
i also learned some new things abt my family...
and somehow abt my self...
still little worried abt myself...which i can know wht makes my heart so nervous...i hope it's not from a past thing, i've been having nightmares abt it too....the weird thing is it came all of a sudden...
i'll ask the question again WHT'S THE HELL WRONG!
Today was so wasn't really as i expected to be...can't deny it made me frustrated.
i just wish to know wht was wrong with all of us...
i hated tht silence.
but something should be done.

Monday, August 20, 2007

lol finally i'm travllin' away and everyone gonna breathe =D *kidding*.....
having a holiday in paradise =) anything....i'll sit peacefully meditating thinking abt nothing...
i'll miss my best friends =( my dear band members , my t.s angels =(, i'll miss myself, i'll miss my blog and facebook and silly MSN.
it's not like i'm gonna die..*bas y not just in case* and i know my friends who read this will say "baa3d el shar"... =) it's ok coz it's a sooner or l8er.
ma3lena i wont make it a drama post loool.
back to comedy =D...umm...i don't know wht to say..but i want be better when i get back..i'll just all the pain there and come blank.

a little msg for duon *hope u read it*

i really wanna thank u for still contacting me and reading my nonsense blog =) bgad i apprecitaed tht so much and feel comfort and happy when u reply to one of my posts...i can't deny tht i hated u at 1st when we used to bother eachothers..but u know..things rn't always the way it seems...and really u r one of the best tht i got from the boards...sometimes i wish i can talk to u more and sometimes i wonder y u never came to t.s meetings...yeah i wish to see u too.anyways hope u read this ...and thank you for u words =) good luck.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

i was watching hercules *cartoon* when meg said to him..." sometimes ppl do crazy things when they r in love".
and there is a song for bryan adams called "when u love someone"there is tht part were he say..."when u love someone...u'll do all the crazy things..."

is it for real? do we make crazy things when we r in love?....personaly i don't think it would happened to i deserve a risk? or a sacrifice? or someone doing crazy thing just for me??
i think this is only in movies and love songs.... coz i've only seen them and heard them there.
3 things r like Oxygen to me and i carry them along on my life journey

-my pencile
-my notebook
-my camera
i don't know why i love to write things and do handmade stuff for the ppl i's like "guys u mean so much to me so plz don't forget me , and i wish to give u the world..but this is all i can do for now".
loool sometimes i think it's silly....or actually sometimes i'm afraid tht ppl think it's silly...for me it's the best thing i can ever get...i have box full of letters , notes , cards , and small stuff from all of my leaves a gr8 memory really...even if i don't get the chance to speak with the person again...ppl come and go but the memory remains.
do u remember the gurl from t.s a told u abt b4?....i saw her today...and i wasn't surprised when she said tht she likes to o tht too ! infact i was so happy , so glad and wanted to kiss her and say.."oh u r silly like me!".
loool i wrote her something too, and she read it infront of me *blush*, i hope she read it when she's alone or something..coz i really get sooooo shy ! i have no idea why so but..i don't know...
i was suprised too when i knew tht she reads my blog!...tht's gr8 really...coz i know tht in a way or so...ppl get to read wht i write...even it was in just a blog...even if it's not everyone...even if it's nonesense...and even if they don't comment abt it....but the thing is SOMEONE READS MY WRITING, which make me feel overwhelmed!.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Did i ever mentioned tht i'm a boring person?

ok..i am a boring person

somtimes i feel i'm like drugs...u just get used to it coz it's there....but by time when i'm gone...u wont even remember it.

Friday, August 17, 2007

how does it feel...when u found out tht someone is using u?...and he just hang out with u coz u r they only one there? i hate how ppl think abt themselves only...without caring abt the other damn person's a piece of cake!
Do u know tht u make me cry?


am i too senstive?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

if someone askes me..."wht do u think of shams?"

i'd say for now..

"she's a weird person who act so weird in simple situations! dah! she's so weird!!!!...don't even get close to her ! uh uh...stay away of her!"
seems a bad day from the start...althought i was so excited abt it, but we don't always get wht we wish for. i know it when ppl try to act fine while they r actualy not fine at all!. it's more like "r u mad at me?", the other stops for a while...try to smile and say.."sure....not".
i can't tell ppl when i'm sad....i have no idea y....i just don't tell..i know it's bad but...just me.
i think everyday something proves how terrible person i am...
i wish no one ask me "r u upset?"..coz i don't wanna cry tonit

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I fly between my painted pages
All through memories....bittersweet
I seek a change , but i dont know
from what to where....
i follow my feelings
i chase the butterfly of my thoughts
i remember i've seen this in my life before
i remember myself in this memory i recall
time after time
it will vanish into days
as my life seems to fade away...

* another thought that came out of nothing...i wonder wht am i talking abt?!*

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I'm confused...some of my friends always tells me how very good friend i am...while others say i'm the worst friend ever!!
i don't know wht to do!
i'm a bad friend coz i don't call
i'm a bad friend coz i don't go out
i'm a bad friend coz i don't give a missed!
i'm a bad friend if i forgot something!!
just me = bad friend i guess....everything i do i'm the one to be blamed! if i didn't make anything good to them in my LIFE...then why they r keeping me as a friend!!
i can't make a mistake coz it's like THE END OF THE WORLD!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

some of the reasons y i love 6 october is the long road, i've always loved long distance..walking or driving...sometimes with a nice company...anyways i just love road trips...i feel i explore myself more and think abt everything...and also look through the ppl around me infact i like watching others...hearing their stories..looking into their eyes as if they were talking to me..need someone to talk to...
i remember once i was returing home and there was tht little cute veil gurl sitting nxt to me all the way...then she started asking questions like..."hwa enty nazla feen?" and some stuff like tht...but i saw sadness in her eyes don't know y...then we went off the microbus and found her still standing beside me..then she spoke again.."miss...robat el gazma beta3tek mafkok..7álby balek la7san 7ad yedoslek 3leh "...i didn't hear her at 1st so asked her to repeat it again...i don't know y i was surprised when she told me would someone tell me so!.
again we ride another car togther sitting infron of eachothers...i was looking at her all the way...she kept looking at me if we were having some kinda of eyes talking...
i felt she was afraid to go home..she wanted me to take her with me...almost her eyes was gonna tear..
it was my time to i went down...but she didn't come after me.
i felt i wanted to ask her...r u ok?...r u lost or something?..but i remain silent.

yesterday while going home the driver was gonna fight with one of the passengers..coz he said he was from the police...and shouldn't pay the ticket...
then the driver talked to me"ya 2anesa enty mesh raqba ma3ana mel awel ashahede 3ala 7aga........"
i was happy tht he asked me :D coz i really wanted to say i said.." long as he has the rit to not pay the ticket...u have the rit to ask him abt his ID tht proves he is from the police!"..... the driver was happy and the other man kept staring at me....and i wanted to tell him"c'mooooon it's just 125 pit.! "
does a one pound worth a big fight btw ppl??....why do ppl make big problems out of nothing!

i said i final word to end it..."salo 3ala el naby ya gam3a...el 7ekaya mesh mestahla".


i know i'm gonna be a gr8 journalist one day

p.s: i just remembered a quote

من عاش للناس عاش متعبا و لكن عاش كبيرا و مات كبيرا

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me I want you to know

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taking my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me I want you to know

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are


Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Marina is the worst place i can ever go to... i think i'm the only one earth who hates it... it's like hell!...empty shallow ppl...fake nice places...
it remined me of one of Angel's episode.the one when jasmien came and all ppl saw her extremly beautifull while she's ugliest thing ever!.
if anyone saw el qahura el youm show *the one taken from marina*.
an egyptian up coming engineer...doesn't know who built the greatest pyramid!! he didn't even think of the name 5OFO!.... and he is graduated from handasa??!!
another funky..punky gurl...doesn't know any of the egyptian minsters...
my mom wanted us to go spend few days there..and i screamed out NOOO...
those kinds of ppl make me feel sick...really sick....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
"killing him self , by not killing him self"

taken from "satuerday night fever", i don't know i just liked the words...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rahter be anything but ordinary please

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see that this world is this beautiful
accident turbulent suculent
I'm feeling permanent
No way I won't taste it
Dont wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

~Avril lavigne~

Monday, August 06, 2007

one tiring day..but one of the best ever, i never thought i will go along like tht with the new teenstuff writers , actually one of the reason i'm leaving was being with some many new people...but infact they r the reason i might stay, i'm a bit confused abt tht, but i truly loved them and loved working with them all.
althought we our project ranked first but i'm so upset tht i messed it up a little i was the worst infact and it would be almost perfect if i wasn't so tentioned , anyways...i know they were sad but they didn't show it to me , they even tried to left me up =) which was so gr8 of them. i really feel so sorry for ruining it tht way =(.
i'm not sure abt leaving teenstuff or not yet, but i don't want to lose my friends especialy ppl who really means alot to me and touched me so much.
the 1st person is a young gurl tht i mentioned before in one of my posts...the little me (tht's wht i call her), this gurl really proved how simple and amazing she is...she's not just a copy of me, she's even better and much much cutier loool, anyways...she's unforgetable person...just wish some day she'd remember me too =).
the second person...someone i respect ALOT...loved working with ALOT...she was the lead of the group and almost did most of the job...she deserves ranking 1st really...i'm sure she's gonna be something gr8 in the future...i believe in her so much...always remember her =) and hope she does the same.
i have a terrible headache and my brain gonna i'll take some pills and go to bed :S

Friday, August 03, 2007


Thanks for being a part in my poor life
it's funny how things r going on now lol, sometimes i hate to admit things coz i don't believe they r true or at least wont last long , just coz i don't believe tht i deserve it tht much or even worth it.
sometimes a wish not to love people , coz i hate to lose them...i've lost many and i know i'll still lose more...but without living pain in me....coz i'm full.

i know tht my words rn't so all i can say tht...i have my reasons...u have yours...and since we r not bothring eachothers with we have the right to keep them for our selves.

it's better this way...

maybe one day....

or maybe in another life...

Thursday, August 02, 2007

a moment with my self...

why do i freak out of love?? why do i ever run away and hide whenever someone says he loves me or even likes me?? i searching for something or is it fear?
afraid to hurt someone...and this would make me hate my self forever.
afraid to get hurt....everyone does hate tht...esp when u trust someone.
afraid to trust someone's words...coz i know promises r hard to be kept.
afraid of commitment.
afraid of responsiblty.
afraid of beening loved by someone who might deserve someone better than me.
afraid to love someone...more than he would.
maybe it's better for me this away of feelings...hide mines and close the door behind it.

if anyone read this , will probably think..."el bet deh mo3kada keda leeh"

and all i can do it...remain silent.
does the word sorry mean anything?..does it really make senses?? it easy to be said after making a terrible thing to someone...and how abt if tht someone is so close???.
words r loaded pistols...thts right.
i messed up and runind a happy day..made others upset...and simply sent a "Sorry"msg???, is it enf to make it up for wht i said...does it show tht i REALLY didn't mean to say wht i said???.
sometimes i hate the way i love ppl coz it make me feel selfish .
nothing else to say but...stupid me!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The rest of me

I lost a part of me somewhere
I kept searching
Still can’t find it anywhere
I can hear it screaming…
I can feel it breathing
But bleeding
Is it lying between words and scars?
Or is it between broken hearts?
Someone took it away
Leaving me insane
Is it? Did I lose my heart?
Is it the missing part?
What else can be missing inside of me?
Thoughts, feelings or dignity?
Lying down…
My body starts to freeze
With nothing left in me
I may rest in peace

"i couldn't sleep last nit at all...there was so much to think abt... i was gonna blow my mind...but i came with the a point...that 1st love can be forgotten if u found another one who can love u even more than the 1st...worth it!..anyways...i just found those words coming out of mind...couldn't rest wihtout letting it out...really leaving a notebook and a pen beside ur bed it so usefull, and by the moment i held the pen the words just came out the way u r reading it now, i didn't even check it after wrting it.. i don't know wht is it suppose to mean..or wht feelings i'm trying to get out of me..but apparently not happy one"

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

i was in the taxi when i heard a song by tamer hosni tht says...

محدش فاهم حاجه...محدش حاسس بيه
واحد اتنين تلاته يا عين والباقى مش سائل فيه

i can't remember the words but the song was so deppressing full of sadness and pissmistic , negative thoughts !
why on earth would someone RIT , SING OR COMPOSE SUCH SONG, seriosly it made me hate my self , hate ppl and even wish to DIE... omG!! it is TERRIBLE.
all the song he keeps one loves me .... no one one listen....i have no friends bla bla bla...what a pathetic , sick person!...even if some ppl feel like tht , why would he express it and make them feel even worse...
bad bad BAD song...never listen to it

Monday, July 30, 2007

ppl i'm a human too...plz don't push me so much..i need a break seriosly!
u don't know tht i brust into tears when u keep loading me that way!! and u'r not helping at all and then u'r complaining...and even blam me!!!!!

OMG! can't someone shoot me?!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

is it important how i feel?? why i don't care abt my feelings tht much like some ppl do? why do i care abt how others gonna feel?...y do i would let myself hurt just to make others feel better?? eventhough it would make me feel terrible or bad....why? WHY?
and why can't i stop doing tht???!!!! , maybe i love me that way....

Sunday, July 22, 2007

for the 1st time i don't feel sad coz i'm getting old....infact when i went to the new t.s workshop...i felt i was like observing others...teenagers...mostly younger than me... i saw tht gurl...cute...short...i kept like watching her...her hopes and dreams... lol her hair...her clothes...evern her relation with her friends...bestfriends...her passion...her face...her smile...i felt i know her...and i kept staring at her so she probably think i'm stupid lol.
anyways... she just reminded me of me when i was her age....
tht was really nice...and i was happy dunno why... not making any sense am i?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

UR Thoughts + UR feelings = creating ur own future

still it's all as we dream...what we wish what we get

Sunday, July 08, 2007

i can´t sleep,
i just can´t breathe
when your shadow is all over me
baby don´t wanna be, a fool in your eyes
´cause what we had was built on lies
and when our love seems to fade away
listen to me hear what I say
i don´t wanna feel the way that i do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see see us apart
i just wanna say it straight from my heart
i miss you...
what would it take, for you to see
to make you understand that i´ll always believe
you and i,
can make it through
and i still know, i can´t get over you
´cause when our love seems to fade away
listen to me hear what I say
i don´t wanna feel the way that I do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see
see us apart i just wanna say it straight from my heart
oh baby i miss you, i do...
´cause when our love always fades away
listen to me hear what I say
i don´t wanna feel the way that i do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see see us apart
i just wanna say it straight from my heart
i miss you, i miss you i do...
i don´t wanna feel the way that i do
i just wanna be right here with you
i don´t wanna see
see us apart
i just wanna say it straight from my heart
oh baby i miss you, i do...

Saturday, June 30, 2007

I read this theory before :

we all love to ride the roller coaster in the funfair!! though it's dangerous...might get us killed!..true...but we still ride it...risk....yes...might get hurt....might not...
doesn't that sound like sumthing else?? maybe???
that's how love goes...don't ask me why lol...
no get hurt and might might not get us killed but it can leave deep wounds and scars...still we can always love again....

do i believe in tht?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Yrs r passing so so quickly, am i getting old?? , 20 yrs isn't OLD but.. i feel i am...maybe coz there wil be some changes...including changing's more like a new start in a new world...spirit? lol...yeah a new spirit maybe?..a new life?? why not... is it still gonna be me? inside is still the is my deepest feelings.
sometimes i feel i'm lossing everyone i?...can my dreams still come true?...i still it the my time to be answered?... still i get a happy ending?
Can't sleep in my new room...adabting in the new house is hard..i didn't sleep for abt 2 days!!... new ppl and new start i guess...
new things happened...and still more to be.
will i ever get a happy ending for this year????

Monday, June 18, 2007

some ppl follow their hearts and other follow their mind....which one to be followed??...both is so difficulte can barly be done...

feelings or facts...
words or actions..
dreams or reality...

both r needed...

but when it comes to love...which one u'll follow???