Falling In Love

 As any other girl, I’ve been searching for love. My heart is full of emotions and feelings; I’m passionate and need to get these feelings out.

I wanted to fall in love with someone, and I tried once. But it wasn’t meant to be. I was happy that I didn’t give my feelings away in the wrong direction, and I was lucky to save the ecstasy of sharing my love with the right person, who will come right on my way.

 I decided to find love where else, vent the great power of emotions. I looked for another figure of love I went through the divine world, discovered a world where the pure love is. I started to get closer to God, and by getting closer…I deeply fell in love.

As we – human- we tend to get more into the tangible things. Things we can feel with our hands see with our eyes or listen with our ears.

However when it comes to the heart and soul, we start to feel abstract things, moral things like happiness, sadness, love and hate etc.

I once read something that explained the love between the Creator (Allah) and us, and how did the whole 

relationship started. It was all summarized in one beautiful verse in suret Qaf that says:

 يدوَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِ نَفْسُهُ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَر
ق:16

“We have created man and we know what his own self whispers to him, and we are nearer to him than his jugular vein”

The jugular vein is one of the most important veins, which lies in our neck and gives great amount blood to the brain; it’s very sensitive and most likely what attaches us to life.

I’m not sure of the true meaning of the verse, but I felt that it meant that God is very close to us more than we can imagine, the simile shows how close we are and how much we are bonded…he created us with his own hands, no wonder he knows us pretty well.

It’s more like a mother and a child relationship, we grow up loving our parents because they brought us to life, they raised us up, and they gave us all what we need. We love them for no reason, we love them because we belong with them, and we are part of them.

We r attached with an unseen bond, no matter how we get far our natural instant bring us back again.

When God created us, he made us from earth dust, and then filled our souls with his. That’s why we are created from two parts, a part that is connected with earth and another connected with heavens and as we grow older each part tries to pull us towards it more.

No matter how far we go we always feel that something is pulling us towards God, and yes…he loves us very much he knows us all very well…because he created us, he put something from him in us.

We sometimes cry while we are praying, or when we are watching the magnificent universe around us this is the way we feel the great love within.

I felt love in this duaa:

اللهم ارزقني حبك و حب من احبك و حب عملاً يقربنى الى حبك 

“O Allah, bless me with your love and the love of people who loves you and the love of things that can brings me closer to your Love”

I never stop saying this duaa, I became in love with everything and everyone, I felt as if I want to embrace the universe , I spread the love for the people who deserve, my students , my family , my friends, my teaching and my writings and even myself.

Me,after the 25th (part 3) letter from a granddaughter

Dear grandpa,

I miss u a lot, well I know we haven’t seen eachother before but mum talks abt u a lot. I’m shams ur youngest granddaughter from your youngest daughters.

Ever since I was a kid I used to ask mum abt you,she told me tht u were in the military. You joined it as a volunteer and u r considered as one of the “Zobat el a7rar”. I felt so happy to hear ur stories and how u served our country when u traveled to Syria in the “we7da watneya” between Egypt and Syria.

I have a picture for you in my wallet you were wearing your military suit…I’m so happy to have it.

Actually I wanted to tell you tht I witnessed something tht I’m so proud of, so lucky to c with my own eyes and live to tell my kids abt. we had something tht changed history and added to our past series of revolutions. All the world was talking abt Egypt and the Egyptian ppl.

We finally spoke and asked for our rights, we changed the president and the regime and the whole system we even cleaned the streets. We struggled for about 18 days after waiting for 30 years.

I can tell you grandpa u can be proud of me as much as I’m proud of u, however I didn’t have the chance to take part in the revolution itself *thnx to your  daughter (mum) she kept me at home and didn’t let me go,she made for  us her own curfew *

I stayed at home grandpa, but I wrote notes for everyday, I wrote some articles and translated over 10 articles about the revolution know it’s not enough..deep in my heart I wished to be one of those martyrs , but I know God kept me for a great role as well. Maybe I wasn’t able to take part of the change process but I can take part of letting it go on and happened. I started with sharing in cleaning the streets of cairo.

It was a great day grandpa! Seeing all tahrir covered with Egyptian flags was awesome, seeing all ppl one hand was gr8.

I wish I can volunteer in the military like u grandpa, I became a journalist and a teacher instead lol. I believe I can reach my mission through these 2 things and I have gr8 passion for them, I’ll be able to make a change in the nxt generation..thank God I’m on my way to success wish me luck on taking noble prize.

I wish u were here grandpa, I wish were able to me now and stroke my shoulders with a smile on ur face.

I love u so much..hope u r in paradise..wait for me =).

Love,

Shams…ur granddaughter <3

Me,after the 25th (part 2)

Days the passing by, the situation in Egypt is still complicated...it's getting better on the political side, but getting worse on the humanity side.

Everyone is almost fighting with each other, family members..friends..even best friends, isn't tht pathetic? 

we r willing to lose everyone around just coz tht they don't agree on wht we believe on or just coz they r different , isn't tht pathetic?
we can't trust anything or anyone...not our president and who know maybe not the new one...r we gonna live in doubts forever? 

we r willing to give up all the love and the happy memories...for wht? for money? for power? for a huge rage tht fill us? tht's really really pathetic.

2 days ago,i was talking to one of my friends..he was so angry and upset..i told him to cheer up and smile as it's going to be alright soon... :) he refused and seemed really down, he told me tht one of his friends who (girl) lost one of her eyes on Friday's revolution and she's living with one eye now.

-------

 same day i heard another story abt a wife who was pregnant,sadly she lost her baby coz she was too tensed with the events and she couldn't even go to a doctor...so she lost it...she lost her 1st child.

-------

it's seems tht ppl r losing on both sides and eachone is focusing only on wht they can c. the only difference is the girl who went to the revolution went there knowing tht she might be dangerous, she's willing to give everything for her country and i really respect her for this :).
however the other lady,she was forced into something tht she didn't choose...and after all it's God's will elhamdolelah :)  

We might be getting our rights..our freedom..but i feel we r losing other things instead. we r losing our morals and ethics.
i don't only wish for the president to change...but also the ppl's attitude...they should stop cheating, lying, humiliating other, rapping, killing , stealing, disrespecting others....
i know it's hard..but wht's wrong with trying?.
i'm not an angel myself but judge ur self b4 judging others ...there r many others things we can do other than protesting.
i would give my life to my country...i'd give everything to Egypt...but if i'd never fight against my people..no matter how bad they were, there must be another solution other than killing and cursing.
--------
to our beloved Martyrs Peace Be Upon u all and may god rewards u with Janna <3
to the protesters in tahrir...may God replace the hate in ur heart with love
to the ppl who r not in tahrir...say ur opinion as u like..but don't ever make u lose someone u love.

to my beloved Egypt...i'm sry for wht we all did to u, for wht we became

Me, after the 25th of jan

It’s been a very tough week, I can’t believe tht I stayed at home for a whole week! I feel as if I’m in a big dream. I can’t believe tht it’s happening to my beloved country...my beloved Egypt.


I had mixed up feeling, worried, fear, happy, frustration and confusion. I was totally lost! Don’t know who to believe any more.

I never felt afraid like the past few days, it was more like “I’m legend” movie..when the night comes we hide in our houses closing all the windows and doors, preparing weapons beside us in case we r under any kind of attacks. All the men of our neighborhood gather outside to protect our street, I can’t sleep unless I hear their voices in the street, and still I can’t sleep.

Days were exactly the same; we wake up me, mum and dad. We open the T.V and change from one news channel to another. We call all the family and friends to check on, and some ppl call us..even my sister call from KSA every day. Some friends called me, some of my students, unexpected ppl which made me really surprised. Ppl I hoped tht they’d call but didn’t…it’s ok maybe I’m just not on their priority list.  on the bright side these events made ppl call each other and ask about each other.
Then my dad goes out for a while with the neighbors…and finally we try to sleep.

I pray every night tht the morning would come, but time moves very very slowly. Am I really dreaming? I thought how is it going in Palestine, Iraq and war countries? How do the people manage their lives their?. Do they face this fear every single day? Do they sleep on gun shots, knowing tht at in any moment someone would simply come and kill them? Feeling insecure is the worst feeling EVER. May no one would ever get tht feeling.

I cry whenever I see the news…whenever I hear tht someone was killed..whenever I feel terribly worried on every single person I know…now over 300 ppl were killed..Places destroyed…my favorite places tht hold many happy memories. It’s just so hard to c ur country falling apart…and for wht?? It’s not just abt freedom anymore!

My heart is breaking for u Egypt, you don’t deserve all of this.

Now who is going to bring bk those martyrs who died? Whether they were from the police or citizens..they r humans they r Egyptians

I want to sleep without locking the doors, I want to go out without fearing people, I want to work and hangout with my friends , laugh and go shopping , go out with my bike , make the change I wish to see in the world… i want my life back. I want my country back.

May God protect us and fill our hearts with his love.

Unspoken

Unspoken

too many things I can see,

through the signs of destiny

is it illusion or is it for real?

Wrong direction? My heart is still in fear

Ur eyes r full of unspoken words

Confusion and many mixed up thoughts

We meet, we smile,

Stay silent for a while

Voices runs through my head

But none of us heard a word they’ve said

I only look through your eyes and see

Un spoken words, full of ecstasy

I can hear no more sound

No more feeling of the people around

Only silence and unspoken words

Only you and me in the world

I'm short and i'm proud!

yesterday i was supervising primary 2 in an english exam. i found a little cute nice gurl, she was putting her head btween her hands and with a big sad face on  her face, she was going to cry. i asked her whats wrong with u? but she didnt reply me bk. one of her friends came and told me tht one of the boy called her "SHORTY" during the break time and the others kept laughing at her coz she's short.
the teacher who was standing with me told her, just don't listen to them u know tht these boys r very silly. but the gurl was still upset.
i couldn't bear it the gurl was sooo cute and i really hated to c her sad. i went to her and sat on my knees, and i told her, "you c now i'm even shorter than u". she didn't react..." you know i've always been the shortest one among all of my friends, and they all envy me beacuse i did things tht they couldn't do!". i found her paying attention to my words...as if she want to ask "oh really like wht?". i don't know wht or how did i thought of these words..but they just came out of me sponteniously...
"well, i used to hide from them easily...and i don't hit the trees while i'm walking". i know tht sounded silly, but she smiled as i acted it to her.
"u know i'm teaching IG up stairs and they all look like giants ! althought i'm their teacher but u can hardly notice me when i'm in the class with them!". almost all of the class laughed. then the little gurls started to tell her " there are gurls who r even shorter than u!", "i'm short and i'm happy!" and the postive comment kept going on..
i'm not sure if my words made the little gurl feel better,she had a big cute smile on her face :).

Random thoughts

i'm starting to make new things :
learning japanese and italian
walking and jogging...almost everyday.
anything more?

Random thoughts

the weather was so nice today, it was so gloomy in the morning tht the sun didn't appear , then it rained for a while and now i can hear thunder.
most ppl find the thunder very scary, the sound makes u shiver. do u know tht this is how the sky pray?. i find it very very charming, there is an un seen beauty behind it tht makes me feel i'm strong and not alone in this world. really sub7an Allah i wish muslims can b as strong as tht sound of thunder, instead of freaking out from it lol.
my days been nearly the same, i'm waiting for some changes tht might turn my life path. i'm not sure if the path i drew b4 is still there.
God really put strange things in our way...things u never thought tht u can do or be. i started out with a dream of being a journalist i never thought i could do anything but writing. now, i'm a writer *not as i really hoped* but i never thought tht my name would really appear in any website or magazine.
i never wanted to be a teacher, i never thought i'd b able to work in a school and give some information to a group of annoying kids.
but i feel i've succeded as a nursery teacher, and so far i think i'm doing fine as a highschool teacher. it's weird tht i even enjoy it. i never loved teaching but now it's becoming a passion.
sub7an Allah when i think of all the things i've been dreaming of and prayed so hard to reach...i find out tht God made my dreams come true elhamdolelah...just few things left tht i'm sure it will come on the rit time isA.
i should b sleeping now :S !

The truth of "Having Faith"

How many times u asked yourself this question, “oh God y me? What did I do to deserve all of this?” For some people problems may seem like the end of the world. When we face some problems or things just don’t turn the way we planned. We usually think that God is punishing us for being bad people. However it’s actually part of his merciful.


Sometimes we keep wondering about what went wrong or who fault was it, we search a lot for the reasons. And there are always reasons but sometimes it’s just better not to know them because it will make us feel even worse. And that’s how God is merciful on us.

“…it maybe that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you don’t know.” Surat Al-baqarah (216)


" وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ"


سورة البقرة 216

God knows best, and he’s trying to show us this through many things around us. But the easiest things EVER can still b the hardest EVER

The recipe is very easy:

%100 Yaqen + Taslem = strong Iman = all ur wishes will come true.

Yaqen is to believe in what you want and of God ability.

Taslem is to do what you can do and leave out all the rest for God.

In Surat “Al kahf” when prophet Musa (PBUH) was on a journey with Al-khedr. They met a little kid on their way which Al-khedr had to kill. Prophet Musa was so surprised…why on earth did it happen?! Why did he kill the little kid? What did this kid do to get killed by a strange, while he was innocently playing with his friends?

I wonder how his parents felt about it. How did they accept that their only child was murdered in such way? I guess for them nothing can be worse. They never knew that he’d be a bad person when he grows up and they didn’t know that God will give them another good child. God is so mercy, he didn’t want them to suffer, he didn’t want the little kid to suffer and that’s y he sent al khedr to kill him. Sometimes it’s better not to know the reason “why did it happen”. Only Coz God love us so much he doesn’t tell us the reason why, coz we’d feel worse if we knew.
“And your Lord is Forgiving, the Lord of Mercy….” Surat al kahf (the cave) 58.


""وَرَبُّكَ الْغَفُورُ ذُو الرَّحْمَةِ..." سورة الكهف 58

Don’t tire yourself asking too many questions just have faith that God is doing the best for you. Have faith that he loves you so much. Ask him with all your heart for what you want; he’s the only one who can make your dreams come true. as He’s the owner of everything..Our hearts..Our minds and our souls.

Random thoughts

my beloved blog, i've missed u alot. i hate when i don't rit tht much i wish i can rit like b4 but it seems tht life is really taking us to another path.
i've never thought i'd become a teacher, i never thought i'd ever give up journalism. it's not tht i don't like teaching...i'm passionate abt teaching but it was never my dream.
i'm spending a hard time nowdays...i'm removing some old memories from my life for good, taking some new decisions that will take my life to another road.
i hope i wont lose my way, may God keep me on the rit track, may the angels of earth and sky guard me and lift me up when i slip.
i hope i'd stay happy, and be able to make everyone around me happy.
i hope i can rit more but i'm out of words now

Random thoughts

Why do I feel that I don’t worth it? Or am I dreaming too high?, I can’t reach my sky. I feel so small in this world. Like I don’t deserve anything. It hurts to think this way.


I don’t wanna b like that. Maybe it’s just loneliness, I miss all the people who rn’t here anymore. I hide my tears and keep them till night.

I just have that big empty space that nothing fulfills. Did I exceed my own expectation or I just have my own freaking perception.

I wish to end up everything, I wish to kill these beautiful dreams, I wish I can stab my heart and stop those heart beats.

My dearest God, please help me please, I have no one else here. Totally no one else but you.

I’m waiting…

Waiting….

And waiting….

Give me the strength to carry on waiting.

Random feelings

i'm sick , i'm tired..little bit sad , confused. i feel like crying, i don't wanna get weak, plz God don't let me b weak. what's the wrorst tht could happened huh?! i'm hurt already so wht's the point.
i'm still breathing, and still alive...taking part in putting a smile on every face i meet..yet can't even draw a fake one on mine.
my throat is killing me now really, i need to cry. plz don't ask me y

Random thoughts

<<  Story  >>

i'm sitting beside the window, as it started to rain. i just couldn't stop thinking of tht day..tht day when you took me on ur silver unicorn. we flow away in the sky, and looked at the tiny earth with our eyes.

we simply left everything behind and went through our inner selves, another world.


we spoke as if we knew eachother since our life started.my scraf began to move genetly along with the wind.
actually my life really started tht day =)
i lost all the sense of time , all the sense of distance...i didn't think of anything except ur words...and my unspoken words.
my numb feelings started to grove,my heart beats as if a mountain moved.
i saw myself through ur eyes...and nothing else i need from this world =)

i wondered...r u feeling the same?
well, it's ok i don't really care, i'm satsified coz i'm sure of wht i feel

now, the moment is over u put me safly back on earth, and ever since tht day....i just sit there beside the window as it started to rain... nothing i can do except

Wishing so hard..dreaming so hard...praying so hard.....and having faith from the deep of my heart

question?!

I wonder who reads my blog?!

Random thoughts

some times we spend the best time in our lives, but we don't realize it untill it ends. it can eve be few moments but it means alot, in fact you can spend all the rest of your life remembering it and smiling , wondering could i ever get those days back?
maybe yes...or maybe it's better to wait for better days.
i still like how i feel these days...things r kinda going on smoothly, yes... it's better not to rush in.
i'm praying very hard
i'm praying for you my lord and u know wht i want.
the reason y i'm praying so hard for this, is tht i believe so much in wht i'm feeling rit now, i trust my choice and i think i'm ready. i trust my God and i trust my heart tht's y i'm sure tht God will answer my prayers...and i'm leaving out all the rest.

Random thoughts

i just noticed tht i used to call my post, random thought-1 , random tought-2...but i don't count them any more. it seems tht they all became the same , maybe my whole life became the same.

it's depressing when it's hard to express ur feelings, words ran't coming out easily as they used to.

i was checking some pix and found this one on my way, and it's so true a simple word can heal or tear...

i wish i hear the words i wanna hear. i wish i can say many things, yet i dont know how it's gonna be if i let those words out..

oh how i wish life would b much easier than tht.

Random thoughts

There r times were i feel too weak, too helpless tht i can't do anything and i simply feel tht i'm falling apart and the best solution is to shut my eyes and never wakeup.
i feel very tired, many things to do in very short time. many ppl tht i have to listen to...when no one feels my inner silent screaming.
i wish we had restart button like the computer, i'll get to restart all over agin without thinking of the old days...
when i look bk at my life i c tht i was totally different, it's not abt being better or being worse...
but some wounds remain in ur heart forever...reminds u of how much it hurted when ever u try to smile and b happy.
am i still broken?
is my heart still bleeding?
sometimes i stand on feet and let my head up high.i lay bk on the ground and stare on the sky...i look at the shining stars and i name each star with a dream of mine...but then they disappear, they simply start to vanish in the sky.
and tht's were i slowly start to crumble,i start to break down and fall apart..and think million times... was it my fault?
i don't regret anything tht i did in mylife, but i regret for not doing things tht i think i should have done...things i should've said.
sometimes i have to pretend tht i laugh...i even laugh hysterically tht my friends say..." r u crazy".
i don't understand
i don't understand anything....

Random thoughts

ok so is there something wrong? with me ? maybe? i don't know.i feel kinda happy...kinda like butterflies, or even better...i feel like dipping sushi in soya sauce.
i love the way i feel now, althought i don't get it but it makes me listen to every single romantic song i used to listen to. makes me wanna dance and dream.
actually it gives me hope..it's gives me oxygen.
let's wait and c...wht's still hidding =)

Random thoughts

i looked to my self in the mirror and stared alittle bit, am i weird person? am i freak? y am i stubborn? y do i hate to break the rules...
i hate to feel tht there r any gates or fence around me, maybe tht's y i lock myself into my fantasy world.
i admit i'm an awkward combination...too many things tht it's hard to be in a noraml human being...umm things like...

i love wrestling
i love pink colour
i love metal,rock, pop,rap and instrumental songs
i play bass guitar
i played violin
i love dalida and fayroz and mahmoud el essily
sometimes i listen to abu el lef and even tamora! *but i don't love them ya3ni*
i love horror movies althought i get scared sometimes...i love to scare myself
i LOVE dogs...sometimes even more than some ppl
i LOVE writing
i LOVE teaching
i LOVE cilantro
i LOVE riding bikes
i LOVE my powerpuff girls dolls
i LOVE watching cartoon
i LOVE chinese food and dresses
i LOVE reading
i hate to tidy up things...my room is a simi-organized chaoes
i love to add my touch in everything i have
i'm sentimental yet ma3ndesh dam
i love spirtual things
i don't shake hands with guys...and i'm very happy tht i don't
i love doing manythings even if i don't have the time for them
i love laying on bed,,stare at the celling and starts..thinking
i love long rides with my headphones on
i believe i'm a good driver..i don't drive like women
i love nature....esp the sea with sunset
i believe i'm a princess
i love singing yet my voice is TERRIBLE...

tht's all i can remember abt myself...now tell me who can even bear living with a person like tht! lol no one?

Random thoughts

Today went in a very good day more than i've expected.
i entered 2 classes by myself for the 1st time in grade 8 and grade 9...
i kids r ADORABLE they r full of life, full of love.... they just need to have more faith...more hope and more dreams...
i loved being with them today...i felt tht they needed to vent, they need to know many thing about life more than study this and that.
Grade 8 were toooooo sweet, i can't believe tht 2 hours passed so quickly i didn't want to leave.
i asked them to rit me a feedback, and i found cutest feed back ever!
tht made me more excited and motivated...i knew tht this is where i belong.
i'm so overwhelmed tht they accepted me and loved me...
they really lifted my spirit up high.
as for grade 9 , i can deny tht i was soo worried b4 going to them, and actually the 1st hours was a total mess! i was about to collapse.
i think some of them hate me alot rit now, but by the 2nd hour things got little better, and by the end of the lesson we were all laughing from our hearts..
i loved being with them as well although it's too hard to deal with them.. they don't give any kind of expression tht u never understand their needs.
so far i feel tht i'm doing good elhamdolelah...

Thanks to u my beloved LORD i wouldn't have done anything without u.

Random thoughts

God is great! reallly!!! i trust him i have soooooo much faith i know he's doing the ebst thing for me....Thank God for everything....
i was tht close to lose my mind...when all of a sudden my great lord saved me !
it was more like magic!
thank u for being my LORD...thank u God for everything...i know there r still good news coming isA
i believe
i have faith...

Random thoughts

Choices can be very hard.i've been in so much confusion. i wish the signs can be more clear than tht coz REALLY i don't get it :(.
as my friend told me yesterday i should "go with the flow" i know i'm old enf to take the right decision isA. And i know tht God wont leave me hanging and will do the best for me isA...
God, please don't leave me, please give me some guide to the right way....

Random thoughts

Yesterday and today r very weird...
a best friend of mine is getting engaged...another one is getting divorced
i spoke to a new friend and i was so happy to talk to....then i had a small fight with another friend and he made me sooooo angry...
and today... i felt so embarresed! i got a groom from work :S omG i wished i would disappear, it all started when one of my friend teachers came and told me tht she want to speak with me, and i found her asking me on our way "r u engaged?, r u in a relationship?". and i was like " :S no?!".
then it all came out..i found one of the parents *who i met b4 coincidentally out b4*
and she simply told me: " miss shams...do u remember tht day when we met at hyper one? i had my brother with me and he really liked u alot, do u mind if i took ur mum's number".
i had tht look on my face tht says:"HUH!?". :D and i kept saying things like" mesh 3arfa" and " let me tell her 1st" and things like tht but she insists on taking the number so i gave her my sister's number...i was really to shy to her " no, thanks i'm not so interested".
plus i don't even remember seeing a guy with her tht day! how come he saw me and liked me all of a sudden!
ummm it seems tht alot of things will happened soon (rabena yostor) :S

Random thoughts

How good can "chances" be?, i think best things come by chance, but do they vanish so quickly after living u in the most amazing feeling ever?.
i still can't sleep and wht surprise me is tht i go to work looking so active.
it's weird how things happeneds all of a sudden.
i wish i can sleep today..i wish i can stop thinking...
will i ever live to b a mother?? and i wonder how i'll b like? am i going to be strict? am i going to b too open minded? or just something in between..
how's my prince charming will look like? is he going to be a REAL man? someone i can depend on, someone who can embrace me? is he going to share mylife and my crazines, to b my other half, to be my soul mate. to make me feel i'm a princess and a little spoild gurl when needed..
r we gonna travel the world together? do activities together?, i'd let him enter my special world and i'd be into his.
i know life wont b too pinky....but i hope we can get over everything on our way...no matter how bad things went...we still have respect, dignity and loyalty for eachother.

dear my mr annoymous...i know tht u r there and i'm not sad tht ur not here yet. i just miss u alot and would love to tell u tht. take ur time u don't have to rush in, coz when ever ur ready i will b ready too, just dont hesitate knocking my door :)
God bless u

Random thoughts

things r getting well so far Thank God =) i LOVE being with the IGCSE esp grade 7 and 8...grade 9 kids r a bit....naughty brings me bk to my highschool days.
as i was correcting some essay today i found one which was so unique and funny =D i couldn't stop laughing when i was correcting it!.
it was by an american student his name is Jibrel , they were suppose to write an essay about their 1st day at school and this is wht he wrote:

"today i woke up at 6am to find my little brother putting on his clothes by my sister...i went to school and we had math the teacher told us abt school and stuff
*then we had physics and the teacher went bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla so i slept
*then we had break and i slept
*and came back and had english
*and the teacher told us to write a essay
*and this is wht i wrote
*"today i woke up at 6 am to..."

seems i'm going to have one gr8 year isA =D

Can't sleep? humph

I wish i could know wht's wrong :(...i hardly sleep at night...i think i had an astral projection for 2 straight days....i wish i can know wht's really happening !
1st i fall deeply asleep then i feel tingles in all over my body and i feel paralised tht i can't move...can't open my eyes...can't say a word.
and if i succeeded in opening up my eyes i go bk to the same thing all over again..
when it happeneds i feel my whole body is too heavy and my heart beats start to b too fast ,i start to see transparent objects. i'm not sure wht r they..is it my body?
i just get really afraid...and feel as if i'm dying.
i wish someone can tell me wht is tht exactly :(.
this feeling is like bittersweet...it's too scary but i kinda don't want it to end

Random thoughts

it's too easy to fake others and pretend tht ur ok when ur not.simply coz u r dead sure tht the other person doesnt care ,no matter how many times he kept saying "how r u?" " r u ok?"...
even if u "talked abt it" no one will really undertsand.
i feel my ending is getting closer , doesn't mean tht i'm dying in real life. i mean tht i'm dying in some ppl's hearts...it's considered as an ending to me coz i'm sure they will never be the same again.
am i ever gonna end up by myself? wondering, where is everyone? what went wrong? and why does everything end up so fast? was it my fault or i was too stupid?
i'm lying on bed coz of sickness...i got very few calls from ppl who were suprised tht i was really sick!.
it's weird tht ppl try to make u more happy when u r already happy, but they never try to make u even smile when u r deeply hurt from inside.
ramadan is almost over, i wish i can get the best out of it in these very few days.

Dear God,
plz forgive me for everything i did in my life...u r the only one i can trust...u r the only one who is there for me all the time even when i went wrong, when all the ppl judged me for being who am i.... u r the only one who accept me they way i am and love me and giving me everything i ask for.
Thank you

Random thoughts

today is considered the 1st night in ramadan..it really didn't go as i wished, seems tht it's time to fall apart for a while.
i feel lifeless....pathetic... looking forward to a better tomorrow...looking forward to a better ramadan...and looking forward to c my eldest sister very soon :) isA

Reality bites

today and yesterday wasn't so good for me, i really feel so bad... i'm on the edge of losing a gr8 friend of mine simply coz i'm telling her the truth..
it might be hard to listen to wht u don't want to believe. but i guess it much better than building fake hopes and living a big lie.
anyways, i think i'll go for wht's right...i'm not that kinda person who compliment others just to make them feel better...
maybe one day she'll understand...or maybe she'll remain hating me forever..

Hijabi Bassist Rocks Cairo

Before getting up on stage, Shams Ahmed makes sure her hijab and pin are properly in place and checks the guitar straps so they don’t get stuck in her hijab.

Ahmed, 23, English teacher, freelance journalist and bass guitarist is part of a band called MetalloidZ. She formed the band with her friends in Cairo, Egypt.

“We started three years ago,” she said. “We were making the band for fun then we started to [make] it be more professional.”

MetalloidZ has performed at several shows and concerts. The songs are all in English. The band members, with Shams Ahmed playing the bass guitar, also include: Mohammed Anwar, rhythm guitar; Mohammed Shazli, lead guitar; Islam Taha, drummer; Seif Al-Islam, vocalist and Radwa Anwar, keyboardist.

“Most of the songs are life songs. We try to make the songs to have a certain point not just some lyrics,” she said.

Their most recent song is titled “One,” which talks about the thoughts that run through one’s head when praying to God. They composed a total of seven songs and hope to sell an album in the future. Some of their songs are on YouTube.

Ahmed learned to play the guitar when the group started forming the band. She played the violin a long time ago and was inspired to play the bass guitar when her friends told her about the band.

“I never thought I would play bass guitar because it’s not girly at all,” she said.

Wearing hijab (or headscarf) and playing the guitar is an anomaly to many. The keyboardist, Radwa Anwar, also wears hijab, but joined the band recently.

“People ask me, how come you’re veiled and you’re memorizing Qur'an, but at the same time you’re [in a band]. It’s not related,” Ahmed said.

Although her family is supportive for the most part, some a few of her friends criticize her.

“Maybe if God knows what I’m doing is wrong, [then] maybe he would prevent me from doing it or give me any kind of signs,” she said. But I think it’s okay especially because we don’t just write songs, we want to make something with a purpose; not just singing and that’s it. We are all respectable to each other.”

Others think that her being a hijab-wearing guitarist is inspiring.

“The audience finds it pretty much interesting. Even when I talked to the students I teach they were so impressed that I play guitar and wear [hijab] at the same time. They’re like “oh wow you play guitar and wear a veil at the same time.” I gave them a positive way to think about hijab. You don’t have to be narrow-minded and do just little things while wearing hijab.”

Ahmed believes her band is special because she dons hijab. Her friends from London and the U.S. also support her.

“They like the idea that I don’t have to change my life: I don’t have to wear tight clothes and put make up and go crazy with my head to play music. [It’s] very nice to know you’re doing something different than others. Other bands in Egypt have girls-- it’s not special, just like any other band. But we’re special.”

An issue she thinks about is how males might perceive her, since it’s not culturally acceptable for a female, let alone a female wearing hijab, to be in a band. She said that when she gets engaged in the future she will have to think of a way to convince her fiancé to let her continue playing with MetalloidZ.

“I’ll try to convince him by playing him a song,” she said.

this article was written about me by a dear friend of mine aya khalil ^^, thnx aya for making me famous!
here is the link of the article
http://www.illumemag.com/zine/articleDetail.php?Hijabi-Bassist-Rocks-Cairo-13198

Inspired by "lovely bones"

I had a dream
I was drowning in a stream

I woke up with no pain

My body was in vain

But I can easily move around
Searching through the crowd
Waving my hands up high
Trying to make any sign
screaming out loud
But my voice vanished in the crowd
seeing people like flying ghosts
Walking through a fig, I'm totally lost
seeking any place to go
Where am i? and why am I here ?
I don't know
I'm still moving with the flow
Searching for some land
For someone to reach my hand
For some where safe and warm
Some place that I can call…."home"
I can see it far away,
Where I stand at the edge of earth
Crossing the horizon
Till the other side of universe
Getting closer, getting near
Seems I'm almost here
In the perfect world
I finally reached heaven
I'm finally… home





:) i just wrote that today but it's still nameless i was inspired by the movie "lovely bones" it was one gr8 movie that i'll always remember

Random thoughts-17

my feelings r really confusing me...i don't understand anything.
but i feel my life is changing..better things r coming my way isA. i feel my life has a meaning.
all these pictures inside my head....all these thoughts i want to write.
i really wanna start...i wanna b bk...isA expect my new long post by tomorrow... :) i'm excited already!

random thoughts-17

i'm so happy coz almost all of my best friends got married , i'm soooo excited to c their little bitty kids ^^.
and as usual...ppl and mum can't stop saying "3o2balek" for 1019272639302846 zillion times.
i just believe tht my time will come one day when i'm ready. it's a life time and choices should be taken carefully.
i'm not a normal person and obviously i need a weirdo like me =).
so far no one really grabs my attention , although i know many ppl around...but so far no one really meets my freaking inner self
humph.....

Random thoughts-15

is it silly to feel tht u want to disappear for a while , just to c if there any one will miss me ?
i hate facebook
i hate msn msngr.
i'll take a big break from both...

When i was young

few days ago we took this song at the teaching course it's very very interesting, we all loved it...i'll leave u with the lyrics of the song...

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deepfor such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learnedI know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.Won't you sign up your name,
we'd like to feel you'reacceptable, respecable, presentable, a vegtable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,the questions run so deepfor such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

the logic song by supertramp

23 yrs ago...

23 yrs ago i came to this world, i wish i can remember my 1st days as a baby and how it felt like to open my eyes on many ppl smiling...
when i asked my mum why did they call me shams ?. she told me tht i was born with the sun rise and there was a song on the radio for farid el atrsh i guess called " shams el aseel" or something like tht...so my dad picked the name shams.
thank u dad :)
i didn't really expect to get so many happy birthday wishes. it was gr8 to see all these ppl..my friends...my band...my family and even my students, i loved the "happy birthday miss shams" ^^ i'll never express how it made me feel.
i admit being 22 was really gr8 i really loved it...i did many things.
-i joined one of the most great organizations AYB.
- there i knew many gr8 ppl i really respect and appreciate them all, so glad to call them..friends.
- i was a teacher of 19 cutie-devil kids...i'm so proud of them and i ADORE them.
-i finally joined the IG department and i think i finally found my way, although i struggled but i think i'll do gr8 isA.

i need to go to bed now.

Random thoughts-17

i think i'm back to astral ! yetserday a gr8 feeling of vibration just like i used to when i used to astral project. it was very hard tht i was scared to death, i woke up from my bed and went to sleep beside my mum lol. it's was a really weird feeling...feeling ur whole body paralized...ur eyes r half opened half closed....and ur pretty aware of every little thing around u...and ur feel scared coz u feel like dying...u try to wake up and u can't open ur eyes...
amazing....i wish i can stop waking up...

Random thoughts-16

i miss writing so much, sometims i feel tht i'm going alittle bit far of my dream. it all started with writing and end up with teaching. it not tht i hate teaching but i have my other plans.
anyways rit now i'm trying to go to the IG dep. at the school i'm working at. i am really struggling and facing lots of problems coz of tht. they think tht a 22 years old like me can't deal with older kids...and i'm looking forward to change this idea isA.
my mum is sad coz i'm not engaged till now :( and she feels i don't want ot get married coz i keep refusing the past few grooms. it's not tht i don't want to, but i still can't find the person tht i can spend my life time with...the person who can love my weird freak character as it is and enjoy my craziness
i know i'm stubborn and silly and want to make lots of things in short time and tht's almost impossible. but, this is me...yes i'm tht perosn.
i'm a weird character...yes...
i'm a girl who loves her veil, trying to be close to God as much as i can, i'm memorizing Quraan as much as i can. yet, i love music..love being with the band..metal and rock r her best genre. another side simply loves mahmoud el eseily , monier and sometimes even amr diab.
the only sport i like is wrestling and always wanted to play kick boxing...and LOVES doing yoga.
although seems quite and innocent...i love horror movies, i got my self a bike...and yes i ride it outside the house.
i don't like cats like most of the gurls, i'm in love with DOGS...and i don't put on make up even when going to interviews..
i like doing everything and trying everything new.....i wish i can take noble prize one day... have my own magazine...and i also added improving education in egypt in my plan :).
it's hard to bare all this and i think egypt is out of extra ordinary guys
... lol although it's me but i wouldn't like to live with a person like tht :D

Random thoughts-15

today was really so weird although i was so happy and had so much fun...i brust into tears at the end of the day.
i feel my life is only a waste of time, i hate to be tht frustrated but my life been a totally messed up. i'm torned btw too many things tht it makes me so confused. i'm not sure if teaching is my field or shall i try something else. right now all the doors r seems to be closed in my face.
i wish i could a journalist as i've always wanted to be. i'm really happy with my writing as a freelance...but i was waiting for much more...riting interesting articles...being wanted by international magazines....having my own column and having my own magazine one day.
i'm almost 23 and still in the middle of nowhere, i wish i could reach wht i want in a very young age.
nothing is impossible, but sometimes life stuck things in ur way and u have to take sometimes to stand on ur feets.
right now i feel i should whtever i'm doing and have a big break before my negativity ruine others....
please God please don't leave me

random thoughts-14

all of a sudden i feel tht the world is big for me,

i feel so little , actually so tiny.

my dreams with my hopes, keeps flying away.

my heart and my mind keeps me in confusion, utterly.

i feel so weak against my fears.

my passion gradually disappears.

it seems i'm a bit frustarted, i know

almost everybody been telling me so.

i didn't mean to come out with this as a poem

but my hands kept on rhyming

as i sit sleepless till dawn

this might be stupid..might means nothing at all

but it's only my random thoughts...before i starts to fall.

random thoughts-13

i'm so sleeeeeepy i had one big gr8 day...bas i'm happy :) still confused but happy. i went back home to my sweet home embaba (L) today. it's gr8 to have those flashback every once in a while. i really wanna finish this yr ba2a :( and rest! can't wait till may !
i feel i'm getting weirder every day lol and ppl just can't stop talking abt it. and i really don't get me sometimes...it's like i'm doing very random - un related things to the what ever . that makes me one freak akward character :D.
i don't know where am i going...bas i don't want to drift away....i hate building hopes esp when i know tht it's 150% not gonna work. i admit i do hang with very thin strings.
i really didn't get anything from wht i'm riting now....i'm just laying on my bed with the laptop on a pillow and letting my random thoughts out before i go to sleep...and now i should really sleep coz i'll wake up early again :'(

Random thoughts-12

my life have been so confusing...i hate beeing busy! grrrrrr it's been a long while since i wrote a good poem :( or even an article.
i started to do more things in my life...keeping my mind busy busy....but i still think and sometimes bad thoughts control my head. i miss those days when i used to have happy dreams and thoughts before sleeping..
and once again a question pop into my head.. who am i? and wht am i doing here?

Radom thoughts -11

Today was a very happy day :) elhamdolelah...i'm sooooo lucky to have such parents.

i can't believe i finally made a dream come true, i finally got a bike...a cute, purple, pinkish one..

i wasn't planning on buying any today, i was only going to pass by...but i saw it and was so in love with..it's like it was calling me to buy her...*yes i treat my things as pets*.

many ppl told tht i'm too old to ride a bike in the streets and some of them even made fun of me...but they never knew how much i really love the feeling of getting back to childhood, the feeling of running fast and fast till i feel as if i'm flying. and the fresh air hit my face and flirt my hair.

i'm sry to tell u ppl...but i don't give a damn abt wht u say...i don't care if i'm a gurl or a boy...if i'm old or young...

it something tht makes me extremly happy...and tht wht really matter to me...

i love u my new bike...i love you u sushi *tht's wht i called her* :)

Random thought -10

Mother's day was so quite this year, but i got my first present from one of my children in the class. it was really cute as i never got a present on mother's day...it made me think for a while..."am i ever gonna be a mother?".
actually i'm glad of my job as a teacher this year i never thought i can deal with kids who r only 3 and 4 years old.
on this mother's day, i miss my granie the most...tht angel who used to care abt me the most.
of all the ppl...i know she the most person on earth who really truly loved me and cared abt me.
i miss my dogs so much, they were the only creatures who made me trust them.
i have a great feeling of depression , i want to go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay and planning on it isA.

Random thoughts-9

U told me once tht we would reach the end, and here we are we got there so fast. Too bad we have to get old and busy.
U were so just DAMN true , I know u stopped reading my blog coz ur so "busy" but maybe if u passed by coincidently u'd know tht this post was for U.i miss u my friend.

Random thoughts-8

i wonder where did the ppl who care abt the inside more than the out side go?.
ummm... resently i've realized that i'm really blessed, i thank God for making me the way i am, for giving me such wonderfull things...such brain...such soul...such heart.
i'm much better than many other people around the world..i have my eyes..my lips...my hands and legs, i can read, write , communicate , learn and feel...many many things to mention.
i'm so happy and pleased with everything i have...really "elhamdolelah".
i'm happy i wasnt born beautiful or rich or famous.
my friends loves me the way i am...my dogs loved me...my parents and family loves me, and most of all if God didn't love me , he wouldn't have created me.
too bad some people judge us for not being what they wanted us to be.For God's sake try to use your minds clearly.
Thank you my lord for giving me everything i need and for surrounding me with such amazing peopl and angels , i hope i worth all of this.

Random thought-7

i've been thinking alot latly,i don't know why i still think of you as if i lost you yesterday.anyway after letting it on more time *and i hope it's the last* , it's seems better to keep it tht way. thinking that we didn't belong in this world, nothing we can do except for moving on keeping our memories boxed up safe in our hearts. letting it out whenever we feel tht we miss eachothers.i don't wanna waste my life thinking "was it really meant to be or not" coz if it was it, u'd probably still b here.
i'm glad with the person i am now, despite the bad side, but u left me a part of u tht grew up within me.
i wont wonder if this thought is the same to you or not, but i'll believe it is even if it was a lie.
now good night my beloved memories, it's time to get back inside the box.

تستاهلي!

تحمست كثيراً عندما عرفت انه كاتبها هي...فاطلما احبتت قراءة مواضيعها لما تتميز بقوة و جرأة لم التقي بها غير مره واحده فقط لكني وجدت انسانه رقيقه و جميله حبوبه للغايه تحدثت معي و كأنها تعرفنى منذ الصغر. لم اكن اتخيل ان تكون هذه الفتاة الجميلة تستطيع كتابة هذه الموضوعات بهذه الجرأة و شدتني كثيرا مدونتها التي تتحدث عن التعذيب فى مصر!

بدون مبالغه ...اعجبت بها جدا و اتخذتها قدوه لى فهي فعلاً تستحق ان تكون مثل اعلى للأخرين.

انا حقا ادين بالكثير لها، فهي اول من ساعدنى فى طريقى الى الصحافه و اول من عرفني بالمجله التى فتحت لى ابوابها. قد لا نكون قد تعرفنا الى بعض بشكل كبير حيث اننى لم اقابلها الا مرة واحده فقط...لكنها وثقت فى و فى قدراتى وقدمت لى كل وسائل المساعده كانها تعرفني منذ الصغر..

هي حقا جميله...من اجمل الاشخاص التي قبلتها فى حياتي...و سعيده جدا انها كانت من الذين مروا بحياتي و تركوا فيها تأثيرا عميق.

انتظرت يوم حفلة التوقيع بفارغ الصبر...لاننى افتقدتها و فعلا كنت اتمني رؤيتها. مر اليوم سريعا و لكن الطريق كان طوييييييييييييل فا وجدت نفسي الاحق الجزء الاخير من حفلة التوقيع...و اخيرا وصلت و كنت فى اشد السعاده برؤيتها بالرغم من انها لم تكن اكثر من 10 دقائق....لكني كنت فى شده السعاده لرؤيتها.

الحقيقه كان يوم حافلاً! فكانت اول مرة ان اقابل صديق لى لم اراه من قبل...و اعتقد انها سوف تكون اخر مره فقد انتظرني حفظه الله لمدة ساعه و نصف تعرف فيها على كل معالم وسط البلد السياحيه!.

لم استطيع الانتظار حتى وصولى للمنزل و قراءة الكتاب...فا قررت قرأته فى رحله العوده الى المنزل و عندما فتحت اول صفحه ابتسمت على وجهى ابتسامه عريضه عندما قرأت الإهداء التى كتبته لى....

لم اكن اتخيل ان يكون الكتاب مثير لهذه الدرجه حيث اننى انتهيت منه فى نفس اليوم...

لم يكن كتاب عن السياسه المصريه او الصراخات النسائيه...

لكنه كان قصص قصيره للاطفال و الكبار...يأخذك الى عالم الطفوله الجميله البريئه...فى كل قصه ترى نفسك فيها و تأخذك الى الماضي. و فعلاً رأيت طفولتي فى كل قصه كتبتها و أخذنى خيالى الى العالم التى طالما احببت العوده اليه.

اكثر قصه اعجبتنى هى قصه الله...و هى القصه الاخيره. فا فى شكل طريف تتحدث عن فهم الاطفال لعمليه الخلق و سؤالهم السؤال المعتاد..."انا جيت ازاى" فذكرتني بنفسى و انا اسئل نفسى هذه السئله لكن لم يستطيع احد ان يرد بجواب مقنع حتي كبرت و فهمت معنى الحياة....

الى من يريد الهروب من عالم الكبار و الذهاب الى دنيا الاطفال ...كتاب "تستاهلى" هو بوابه لدخول عالم الماضي.

صديقتى الجميله نهى عاطف...انتي بالنسبه لى جزء من كل شئ جميل فهذه الحياة...انا اعرف ان كلامى هذا قد لا يعني شئ...و كنت فى بدايه كتابتى انوى التحدث الا عن الكتاب، لكن وجدت يدى تنطلق بدون تفكير فى كتابه هذه السطور المتواضعه..

حفظكي الله و اتمنى لكى كل التقدم لأنكى تستحقيه....

أحمد صلاح...اشكرك و اعتذر عن "اللطعه"

ملحوظه: سامحونى على الأخطاء الإملائيه :)

Random thought-6

i feel like i wanna be alone, it was a weird day actually. i woke up smiling on a very dear friend msg, although i don't feel i deserve what she said to me... i feel i hate my self to the extreme.
i wanna close my eyes and b somewhere else, i wanna sleep and never wake up.
i can't stand myself sometimes and can't even stand the world around me.
rit now i feel like crying and feel i miss some things from the past.
i need to go now, have loads of work to do but i'm glad that i had sometime to vent.

Random Rhymed thoughts1

sometimes i have few thoughts running through my head
so i write these words before i go to bed
the weird thing is....it sometimes rhymes...

It's been years since we were done
I'm sorry
But your pain is not easy to over come
I don’t know if I can ever forgive or forget
But it kills me whenever I regret
I don't know what I'm waiting for
sometimes I wish to love you once more
Years come and go
We have changed
And I realized that I'm becoming *you*
In everything you say In everything you do

Random thought-6

i don't know why i don't rit my diaries anymore, maybe coz i got my blog or maybe it's a matter of time or maybe it just coz i don't want to carry on from where i stopped. i think i'll try to open it one more time it a treasure of memories since i was in primary school.
i can still remember the 1st thing i ever wrote , and my 1st diary book...
i have so many plans to do for 2010....i'm looking forward to travel isA, i've decided i'll quit schools and take journalist as a career for living...i need to read more and rit even much more.i'm happy with were i'm starting , i'm meeting new ppl , making new connections and even writing in ARABIC i'm actually glad coz i did so.
i wish i can write many poems as i used too =(. i have no inspirtion lately and i need to astral project like i used too...
there is r so many things i want to do again like the old days, maybe it would bring my old soul back again..
it's not tht i hate my soul now, but i feel as if i got along with reailty world more than my fantasy world and it's redusing my creativty and transparancy.

the bouquet catcher

i love weddings! especially when it’s one of my close friends. when ever some one is getting married form my friends or family i just love to pop and hop and help the bride with everything. u’d say it’s more like the movie 27 dresses…

I've always dreamt of the greatest weirdest wedding ever and in every wedding i attend i add something from my dreamy fantasy wedding as if the wedding is mine…

however, when it comes to the time tht the bride throw her wedding bouquet and all the single ladies try to catch it, i stand at the very back or try to miss this event.

i don’t know but i never stand to catch the bouquet..maybe coz i dont like to catch up with the lady and fight over the flowers…or maybe coz i’m afraid of getting married, even though i dream of it but i still have a strange fear inside me,

it’s silly i know, the *catching the bouquet* has nothing to do with it, but if i ever really caught it i’ll feel i’m under the spot light as if it’s saying “hello guys there’s a single out here*.

and of course people will start talking ‘ ohhh rn’t u gonna get engaged?”

then if i got engaged they will go like “ ummm wht’s taking u so long when r u getting married”

then after marriage they’d probably say “ rn’t u pregnant ? don’t u think it’s time to get a baby?”…

lol and so on till ……..i don’t know !

actually if i ever caught the bride bouquet, i wish i’d find the one right infront of me…like fairy tales, where he appears out of the nowhere and we simply look into each other eyes deeply and dance together as we have known each other from long time ago…and walk together till we disappear from the crowd and sit and talk

---------------

yup i know i’m a dreamer but i enjoy my dreams

Random thought-5

it's 3:20 am and i'm suppose to sleep...but i thought to visit my blog and rit something . anything tht cross my mind.
i'm listening to a meditation music, it takes me through my fantasy world.
a world with no limits or boundaries...
tht's it i'm going there leaving my real world behind

صــــــــــــــــحافـــــــــــــــــــــــــة

ص: صور و صراحة

ح: حقائق و حرية

ا: اسئلة و اجابات

ف: فلوس قليله

ت: تحقيقات جريئة

Random thoughts-4

i miss writing so much, i hate being so busy with work there is so many things tht i wished to write abt but sadly the ideas simply run away…

i’ll try to rit anything, everyday before i sleep so i wont lose contact with my dear blog.

lol its been a while since i wrote nonsense.

wooow the year is almost over GOD! i’m getting old !.

i miss all of my grandparents but my grannies the most esp. my dad’s mum.

i miss my dogs and wonder if they r still alive.

sometimes i miss my old house.

i miss the time i used to spend with my best friends.

i miss my cousins,

sometimes i miss studying…..but i do miss my colg days so much.

i miss my old computer….but i love my laptop.

i miss writing poems and i miss reading.

i miss my sisters

i miss holidays

i miss teenstuff boards and paradigm shift group.

i miss my violin but i love my bass alot

i miss chatting

i miss my friends , my band, my school and colg mates

i miss my young bros seif , shazly , islam , kaz , roar

i miss enjy , mero , hagar , aya , dina , sarah M, nema , nada , karima , rania , youmna , maisa , sarah O, rody

i miss saad and nicky

i miss my soul mate moda

i miss some other people…

i miss the way i used to b, i miss my self and feel i want to embrace myself

……….

i gtg coz i’m waking up early for work

one of those days 1

i feel like i miss everyone around me, i don't know why.
i had a bad day at school....actually today was so bad tht i wish i can forget it, but will i ever do?. i hate myself being so sentimenatl, it's tiring.
i can't stop crying...as if i never cried before or maybe coz i haven't cried tht much in while.
i have lots of work...it's good to b busy though.

what a day....

Hunted by the past

Going around in a circle
Looking for an end
I found a box of memories
Flashbacks inside my head
In every time I close my eyes
An old scene is back to life
An old picture of you and me
Was drawn once by destiny

Laid back upon my fears
Closing my eyes
Wishing it would disappears
I still see you even in my dreams
Whenever I blink, whenever I sleep
Still feels you within so deep
Why am I still hunted by you?
After all years that we passed through
Going around in a circle
Stuck within the past
Looking for salvation
Nothing worth to last
Losing my memories, I hope
It's hard for me to coup
So,Leave me for good, please
Let my heart rest in peace

Ramadan 2009

i can here the eid prayers from the window"Allahu Akbr...Allahu Akbr....La ilah ila Allah...."
....it was one great ramadan , too bad it went too fast =(.
it was soooo chearfull and spiritual and so full of positivity...

- i went to E7na Iftar, i saw Marwa Rakha :)
- my 1st article was published
-i knew tht an old note will b published isA.
- i started my TEFL course.
- i was able to make a dear friend of mine happy (thank God)
- i was able to help a friend of mine in her career (thank God)
- i got closer to God.
- i'm much happier and thankfull elhamdolelah.
- i started to love myself a little bit.
- i over came some old stuff.
- i feel as if i'm starting a new year :) *3ala ra2y a dear a friend of mine*

i hope i remain like this forever isA.....ya rab thabetna :)

مطلوب سكرتيرة

هل ممكن ان تتزوج من سكرتيرة؟...
سألت بعض من الشباب هذا السؤال و أجاب الكثير منهم بالرفض...
فدائماً صورت لنا المسلسلات و الافلام دور السكيرتاريه على انها فتاة عازبه لها مواصفات خاصه مثل الدلع فى الكلام و الشياكة فى اللبس و المياصه فى المعاملة مع العملاء ،قد يتزوجها مديرها (عرفى) او تكون هناك بينهم علاقه بدون زواج على الاطلاق. فى مقابل طمعها فى امواله او رغبة منها فى حياة اكثر رفاهية او لانها (على نيتها).
لذلك نجد فى إعلانات الجرائد و المجلات الإعلان كالتى:
"مطلوب سكرتيرة (حسناء المظهر) ، تجيد التعامل مع الاخرين ، خبره او بدون". لكن عمل السكرتيرة لا يقتصر فقط على ارسال الفاكسات و استقبال المكالمات او عمل الشاى و القهوة للمدير، غلبنى الفضول فى التعرف على هذه المهنه اكثر و هل هى حقاً كما ترويها لنا القصص؟؟.

"بعد التخرج اتقدمت لوظيفة سكرتارية فى شركة مواد تجميلية لانها الوحيده الى مكنتش محتاجه خبرة و مرتبها كان 2000 جنية، و اكيد مافيش حد لسه متخرج هياخد مبلغ زى ده. اتقبلت بسرعه لتمكنى من اللغه الانجليزية و استخدام الكومبيوتر. الشركة كانت غريبة اوى لان ماكنش فيها عاملين كتير غيرى انا و بنت تانيه جت قبلى من فترة و المدير الى هو صاحب الشركه و مراته كانت بتساعدنا فى حاجات و حوالى 4 اشخاص تانين كنا بنتعامل معاهم عن طريق التليفون.
المعامله هناك كانت حلوه جدا خاصة من المدير و مراته الى اتصحبت عليا جداً و كانت مثل اختى الكبيره مع العلم انها كانت فى منتصف الثلاثينات و جميلة جدا!*. اما المدير فماشفتش منه اى حاجه وحشة و برده كان بيعملنى كويس جداً و معجب بذكائى و طموحى الى نفسى احققه فا كنت بعتبره زى والدى *هو اصلا عنده خمسين سنه و مخلف ولد و بنت فى الجامعه من مراته الاولي
بالرغم من ان زميلتى الى معايا دى كانت سكرتيرة زى، لكن هى الى كانت مسؤله عن تقديم الشاى و الحاجات دى، و كانت برده هى المسؤله عن تنضيف المكتب و خاصة مكتب المدير. ساعات كتير اوى كان المدير بيطلع متنرفز و يعد يزعق على الفاضى و لما حد كان بيغلط من العمال او السواقين،ممكن كان يشتمه شتايم مش محترمة او يضربة!. بس الحمدلله بالرغم من انه كان ساعات بيزعق لزملتى بس انا عمره ما عملى حاجه وحشه.
عادتاً كل يوم بكون انا و زملتى الى معايا فى المكتب لوحدنا، ساعات المدير بيجى و ساعات لا، و ساعات كانت زملتى بتكون بتعمل شغل بره فا بكون انا فى المكتب لوحدى!.
و بعد شهر، كنت فى يوم لوحدى فى المكتب و المدير نادانى و قعد يقولى عامله ايه؟ و مبسوطه و لا لا؟ و نفسك فى ايه تعمليه فى حياتك؟. و بعد ما اتكلمت بحسن نيه جدا، لاقيته بيقولى انتى محتاجه حد غنى يتبناكى و يحققلك كل الى نفسك فيه.... بعدين طلع خمرة من التلاجه بتعته و قعد يشرب بعدين كان بيلمحلى بكلام كتير شويه انه محتاج لحد زى يتكلم معاه و شويه انه ممكن يحققلى كل الى نفسى فيه بس على شرط اننا نكون صحاب و ان صداقتنا دى تكون سريه! بعدين لاقيته مسك ايدى و حط ايده على كتفى و قالى " انا مش بعرف اتكلم دوغرى بس انا عارف انك زكيه و هاتعرفى انا قصدى ايه؟". و انا كل ده متنحه و مش فاهمه ايه الى بيحصل و حسيت انى مش قادره افهمه غلط لانى فعلا كنت بحترمه جدا. كل اللي كان بيدور فى دماغى انى مش قادره اتصرف و حسيت انى مشلوله و خفت اعمل اى حاجه عشان الموضوع مايزدش خاصة انى كنت لوحدى. بعدين راح مسك ايدى تانى و قالى طول محنا مع بعض كده انا عاوزك تقوليلى بأسمى على طول بلاش بقى حضرتك و الحاجات دى. و راح مدينى نمرة موبيل سرى محدش يعرفه خالص و قالى "الموبيل ده محدش يعرف نمرته خالص هابقى اكلمك من عليه بس ماتديهوش لحد و لا حتى لمراتى". سبلى مدة انى افكر فيها عشان اوافق على الاتفاق بتاعه و قالى انا هكلمك و عاوز اول كلمه اسمعها منك "انا موافقه" و انا عارف انك هتفكرى فى مصلحتك صح و توافقى.
طبعاً من اليوم ده و رجعت البيت مارحتش الشغل ده تانى، و كان عندى حالة اندهاش فظيعه مكنتش عارفه افكر و لا حتى اعيط و لا اتكلم مع حد. ماستوعبتش الموقف غير بعدها تانى يوم، حسيت بإهانه كبيره اوى و صعبت عليا نفسى ان حد يشوفنى كده و طبعاً الصورة الى كنت رسماها للراجل المحترم انهارت، و قعدت فتره يحاول يكلمنى و انا مش برد حتى مراته قعدت تكلمنى كذا مرة بس ماعرفتش ارد عليها اقولها ايه؟ و فضلت فى حالة نفسية سيئة جداً لحوالى شهر عشان انسى".

"المدير مطلبش منى حاجه...بس العملاء طلبوا!"
" انا اشتغلت سكرتيرة فى حتت كتيير اوى بس كان اسواءها الشركات السياحية، المدير عندنا كان راجل كويس اوى و عمره ما حسيت من ناحية بأى حاجه وحشه، لكن عملاء كتير عرب و اجانب كانوا بيحاولوا يتحرشو بيا و ساعات كتير كانو بيكلمونى فى التليفون و يطلبو منى اجيلهم و ناس منهم ماكنوش بيسبونى فى حالى و يقعدوا يقولولى كلام سافل فى التليفون و ساعتها اشتكيت لزمايلى الى معايا فضحكوا عليا و قالولى ان معظم الناس الى بيزورو مصر بيجو بس عشان كده و ان هى دى طريقه الشغل فى كل مكاتب السياحه.
قلت اروح للمدير اشتكيله، قالى تقريباً نفس الكلام و زود عليه كمان انه ده من تخصصات شغلى لانى من واجبى انى اضايف العملاء كويس و اريحهم فى طلابتهم عشان ده اكل عيش و طبعاً بيزود من المرتب. اضطريت انى اضغط على نفسى شويه و استحمل المضايقات لانى كنت محتاجه فلوس و بعد فترة الشركة اضطرت تقفل عشان مابقاش يجيلنا ناس كتير من ساعة العمليات الارهابية و الحاجات دى."

"مديرى كان هايدمر زواجى"
" انا للاسف اطلقت بسبب شغلى كا سكرتيرة، كنت بقعد اوقات كتير فى الشغل و كنت ممكن اسافر لوحدى مع المدير، و لقيته بيتقرب منى شوية بشوية بالرغم انه عارف انى متجوزه بس انا كنت بحاول مفكرش فى الموضوع كتير عشان احافظ على شغلىن بس للاسف جوزى لاحظ الحكاية دى و حظرنى كذا مره بس انا كنت بحاول اقنعه انى لازم استمر فى الشغل عشان الفلوس. كذا مره المدير كان يكلمنى فى اوقات غريبه و يبعتلى رساله كتير على الموبيل كلها كلام معكسات بس انا كنت بامسحها على طول بس للاسف نسيت الموبيل مرة و المدير بعتلى رساله و جوزى كان فى البيت و شفها راح كلمه مهزقه و هو رد عليه بكل بساطه و قاله انه على طول يبعتلى رسايل كده و حسسه ان فى ما بينه علاقه. رحت اول ما رجعت البيت جوزى اتخانق معايا و ساب البيت و كنا هانطلق، بس الحمدلله ولاد الحلال ادخلوا و قدرت اصلح الموقف و افهمه ان مافيش اى حاجه ما بينى و بينه و انى كنت بقفل على لما يحاول يفتح معايا اى حاجه. انا عارفه انى غلط انى متكلمتش من الاول و سكت كتير بس الحمدلله انها جت على اد كده و طبعاً كان طلب جوزى الاساسى فى الرجوع انى اسيب الشغل و مشتغلش فى مجال السكرتريه ده تانى خالص".

"جوز المديرة كان بيعاكسنى!"

اشتغلت فى شركة تصدير كانت صاحبتها واحده ست، كانت تنكه اوى و على طول بتزعق و تهزق عمال على بطال و على طول تنتقد اى وحده شغاله معانا لو حطه مكياج كتير او لبسه لبس ضيق او قصير زياده على اللزوم، جوزها كان عنده شركة تانيه بس ساعات كان بيجى يساعدها فى الادارة كل فترة و التانية بس كل الستات الى كانوا بيشتغلوا فى الشركة بيتكلمو عنه، كان كل شوية واحده تشتكى انه عاكسها او قالها كلمة كده او كده. و فى يوم غلطت و انا بشتغل و بعت حاجه غلط، و طبعاً المديرة ادتنى كلمتين و خلتنى امشى و نزلت من المكتب منهارة و عماله اعيط فا لاقيت جوزها تحت فى العربية فا اعد يهدينى و عرض عليا انه يوصلنى بالعربية و انا وافقت و شوية و لاقيت نفسى اعده معاه فى هيلتون دريم. راح قعد يحكيلى عن حياته الشخصية مع مراته و انه بيضطر يبص لبره لانه قرفان معاها فى البيت و على طول خناق. بعدين لاقيته راح قرب منى و حضنى ! و قالى "لو تحبى ترجعى الشغل تانى انا ممكن ارجعك و هقول لمراتى انك اترجتينى عشان ترجعى الشغل تانى". روحت سيباه و قمت مشيت...

"لما تكوني سكرتيرة لقناة فضائية تافهه"

" يمكن مش السكرتارية بس الى بتتعرض لتحرش فى القنوات الفضائية، ده من أول العاملة البسيطة الى بتشتغل فى البوفيه لحد المذيعات و المعدات. انا اعدت فترة بشتغل سكرتيرة لقناة فضائية الى بتعرض الاغانى و شوية برامج كده بتاعت المسابقات و خلاص. كانت زى متكون مجتمع صغير منعزل عن العالم. الى يعاكس دى شوية و الى يعمل علاقه غير شرعية مع واحده او اكتر و كله كان عارف كل حاجه، دى ماشيه مع مين و دى نامت مع مين و الخ... كنا بنعمل حفلات فى الاستديو كتير و كان ممكن يحصل فيها اى حاجه لان بيكون فيها شرب و سهر.اضطريت انى اجارى الوضع لانى ماكنتش هلاقى فرصه احسن من كده بس و فى نفس الوقت كنت لسه محافظه على نفسى كا بنت، و بعدين اتقدملى واحد و رفض انى اكمل شغلى لما عرف انى سكرتيره فا قدمت استقلتى".


"السكرتيرة عندنا بتحترم من الكبير للصغير"

"احنا عندنا السكرتيرة اسمها Administrative Assistant و المصطلح ده بيستخدم فى كل الشركات المالتى ناشونال و الشركات الكبيرة فى مصر. و عادتاً بتكون خاصة اكتر بالاناث لانهم بيعرفوا يتعملوا بلباقه اكتر و بيمتصه غضبهم اكتر من الرجاله و كمان عشان البنات ممكن تشتغل فى اكتر من حاجه فى نفس الوقت بتركيزمش بس عشان انها بتكون حلوة و متدلعه و خلاص. عشان كان السكرتيرة عندنا لازم يكون معاها شهادة عالية و بتعرف اكتر من لغه بطلاقه ده طبعا زائد الكمبيوتر و انها تكون مثقفه و مطلعه.و بتعتبر من اكتر الناس الى بتحترم فى الشركة لانها تحت المدير بالضبط و ليها صلحيات كتير و هى الى بتحل محل المدير لما بيكون مش موجود و بتعرف كل حاجه فى الشركة ماشية ازاى عشان كده هى تعتبر شغلانه متعبه جداً لان كتير ممكن تقعد لساعات زياده عن ساعات عملها و ممكن تنزل يوم اجازتها لو فى شغل ماخلصش او لو المدير محتاجه اى حاجه حتى لو كانت ورقه من هناك لانها هى الوحيد الى بتكون عارفه مكان كل حاجه ".

ان عالم السكرتارية ملئ بالقصص المختلفة الذى ظلمت الكثير من الفتايات و السيدات التى يعملون فى هذا المجال ، فالبرغم من انه قد يكون مستغل بشكل او اخر فى الكثير من الاماكن لكن هذا لا يعنى انه بهذا الشكل دائماً لانها عمل ذو اهمية و يجب احترامه و تقديرة.