the holiday wasn't so nice this yr...it's was sooo hot so crowded and kinda boring. it's the 1st time for me not to like it so much...i got sick from the second day...cold :S.
and my heart beats were so tiring *have no idea y* made me feel dizzy actually for a while i thought i was dying... i kinda freaked them out a bit i myself freaked out! coz it's the 1st time to be tht tired...might go to a doctor of the 3rd time!!! and might not! who cares anyways lol.
i was looking forward to come bk home *be fare3'el sabr* i missed everything and felt i stayed for like month !
i thought of surprising my friends with coming bk eariler...but... i don't know was it a surprise or more like a ....i don't know but i couldn't feel them sooo, u know...
whtever..there is something wrong....
i still had little fun there coz i was with my family and relatives we were abt 20 ppl! and most of them were my age and my best friend so i had no chance to feel alone..
i also learned some new things abt my family...
and somehow abt my self...
still little worried abt myself...which i can know wht makes my heart so nervous...i hope it's not from a past thing, i've been having nightmares abt it too....the weird thing is it came all of a sudden...
i'll ask the question again WHT'S THE HELL WRONG!

Today was so weird...it wasn't really as i expected to be...can't deny it made me frustrated.
i just wish to know wht was wrong with all of us...
i hated tht silence.
but something should be done.

lol finally i'm travllin' away and everyone gonna breathe =D *kidding*.....
having a holiday in paradise =)...no tecnology...no anything....i'll sit peacefully meditating thinking abt nothing...
i'll miss my best friends =( my dear band members , my t.s angels =(, i'll miss myself, i'll miss my blog and facebook and silly MSN.
it's not like i'm gonna die..*bas y not just in case* and i know my friends who read this will say "baa3d el shar"... =) it's ok coz it's a sooner or l8er.
ma3lena i wont make it a drama post loool.
back to comedy =D...umm...i don't know wht to say..but i want be better when i get back..i'll just all the pain there and come blank.

a little msg for duon *hope u read it*

i really wanna thank u for still contacting me and reading my nonsense blog =) bgad i apprecitaed tht so much and feel comfort and happy when u reply to one of my posts...i can't deny tht i hated u at 1st when we used to bother eachothers..but u know..things rn't always the way it seems...and really u r one of the best tht i got from the boards...sometimes i wish i can talk to u more and sometimes i wonder y u never came to t.s meetings...yeah i wish to see u too.anyways hope u read this ...and thank you for u words =) good luck.

i was watching hercules *cartoon* when meg said to him..." sometimes ppl do crazy things when they r in love".
and there is a song for bryan adams called "when u love someone"there is tht part were he say..."when u love someone...u'll do all the crazy things..."

is it for real? do we make crazy things when we r in love?....personaly i don't think it would happened to me...do i deserve a risk? or a sacrifice? or someone doing crazy thing just for me??
i think this is only in movies and love songs.... coz i've only seen them and heard them there.

3 things r like Oxygen to me and i carry them along on my life journey

-my pencile
-my notebook
-my camera

i don't know why i love to write things and do handmade stuff for the ppl i love..it's like "guys u mean so much to me so plz don't forget me , and i wish to give u the world..but this is all i can do for now".
loool sometimes i think it's silly....or actually sometimes i'm afraid tht ppl think it's silly...for me it's the best thing i can ever get...i have box full of letters , notes , cards , and small stuff from all of my friends...it leaves a gr8 memory really...even if i don't get the chance to speak with the person again...ppl come and go but the memory remains.
do u remember the gurl from t.s a told u abt b4?....i saw her today...and i wasn't surprised when she said tht she likes to o tht too ! infact i was so happy , so glad and wanted to kiss her and say.."oh u r silly like me!".
loool i wrote her something too, and she read it infront of me *blush*, i hope she read it when she's alone or something..coz i really get sooooo shy ! i have no idea why so but..i don't know...
i was suprised too when i knew tht she reads my blog!...tht's gr8 really...coz i know tht in a way or so...ppl get to read wht i write...even it was in just a blog...even if it's not everyone...even if it's nonesense...and even if they don't comment abt it....but the thing is SOMEONE READS MY WRITING, which make me feel overwhelmed!.

Did i ever mentioned tht i'm a boring person?

ok..i am a boring person

somtimes i feel i'm like drugs...u just get used to it coz it's there....but by time when i'm gone...u wont even remember it.

how does it feel...when u found out tht someone is using u?...and he just hang out with u coz u r they only one there? i hate how ppl think abt themselves only...without caring abt the other damn person's feeling...simply..like a piece of cake!

Do u know tht u make me cry?

or


am i too senstive?

if someone askes me..."wht do u think of shams?"

i'd say for now..

"she's a weird person who act so weird in simple situations! dah! she's so weird!!!!...don't even get close to her ! uh uh...stay away of her!"

seems a bad day from the start...althought i was so excited abt it, but we don't always get wht we wish for. i know it when ppl try to act fine while they r actualy not fine at all!. it's more like "r u mad at me?", the other stops for a while...try to smile and say.."sure....not".
i can't tell ppl when i'm sad....i have no idea y....i just don't tell..i know it's bad but...just me.
i think everyday something proves how terrible person i am...
i wish no one ask me "r u upset?"..coz i don't wanna cry tonit

I fly between my painted pages
All through memories....bittersweet
I seek a change , but i dont know
from what to where....
i follow my feelings
i chase the butterfly of my thoughts
i remember i've seen this in my life before
i remember myself in this memory i recall
time after time
it will vanish into days
as my life seems to fade away...


* another thought that came out of nothing...i wonder wht am i talking abt?!*

I'm confused...some of my friends always tells me how very good friend i am...while others say i'm the worst friend ever!!
i don't know wht to do!
i'm a bad friend coz i don't call
i'm a bad friend coz i don't go out
i'm a bad friend coz i don't give a missed!
i'm a bad friend if i forgot something!!
OH MY GOD!
just me = bad friend i guess....everything i do i'm the one to be blamed!...as if i didn't make anything good to them in my LIFE...then why they r keeping me as a friend!!
i can't make a mistake coz it's like THE END OF THE WORLD!
FINE
I'M BAD
I'M TERRIBLE
WHT THE HELL CAN I DO!
I'M SO SICK OF THIS!

some of the reasons y i love 6 october is the long road, i've always loved long distance..walking or driving...sometimes with a nice company...anyways i just love road trips...i feel i explore myself more and think abt everything...and also look through the ppl around me infact i like watching others...hearing their stories..looking into their eyes as if they were talking to me..need someone to talk to...
i remember once i was returing home and there was tht little cute veil gurl sitting nxt to me all the way...then she started asking questions like..."hwa enty nazla feen?" and some stuff like tht...but i saw sadness in her eyes don't know y...then we went off the microbus and found her still standing beside me..then she spoke again.."miss...robat el gazma beta3tek mafkok..7álby balek la7san 7ad yedoslek 3leh "...i didn't hear her at 1st so asked her to repeat it again...i don't know y i was surprised when she told me so...like..y would someone tell me so!.
again we ride another car togther sitting infron of eachothers...i was looking at her all the way...she kept looking at me too...as if we were having some kinda of eyes talking...
i felt she was afraid to go home..she wanted me to take her with me...almost her eyes was gonna tear..
it was my time to go...so i went down...but she didn't come after me.
i felt i wanted to ask her...r u ok?...r u lost or something?..but i remain silent.

yesterday while going home the driver was gonna fight with one of the passengers..coz he said he was from the police...and shouldn't pay the ticket...
then the driver talked to me"ya 2anesa enty mesh raqba ma3ana mel awel ashahede 3ala 7aga........"
i was happy tht he asked me :D coz i really wanted to say something...so i said.."simply....as long as he has the rit to not pay the ticket...u have the rit to ask him abt his ID tht proves he is from the police!"..... the driver was happy and the other man kept staring at me....and i wanted to tell him"c'mooooon it's just 125 pit.! "
does a one pound worth a big fight btw ppl??....why do ppl make big problems out of nothing!

i said i final word to end it..."salo 3ala el naby ya gam3a...el 7ekaya mesh mestahla".

finaly....

i know i'm gonna be a gr8 journalist one day

p.s: i just remembered a quote

من عاش للناس عاش متعبا و لكن عاش كبيرا و مات كبيرا

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me I want you to know

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taking my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me I want you to know

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

~LinkinPark~

Marina is the worst place i can ever go to... i think i'm the only one earth who hates it... it's like hell!...empty shallow ppl...fake nice places...
it remined me of one of Angel's episode.the one when jasmien came and all ppl saw her extremly beautifull while she's ugliest thing ever!.
if anyone saw el qahura el youm show *the one taken from marina*.
an egyptian up coming engineer...doesn't know who built the greatest pyramid!! he didn't even think of the name 5OFO!.... and he is graduated from handasa??!!
another funky..punky gurl...doesn't know any of the egyptian minsters...
God!!
my mom wanted us to go spend few days there..and i screamed out NOOO...
those kinds of ppl make me feel sick...really sick....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

"killing him self , by not killing him self"

taken from "satuerday night fever", i don't know i just liked the words...

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rahter be anything but ordinary please

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see that this world is this beautiful
accident turbulent suculent
I'm feeling permanent
No way I won't taste it
Dont wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

~Avril lavigne~

one tiring day..but one of the best ever, i never thought i will go along like tht with the new teenstuff writers , actually one of the reason i'm leaving was being with some many new people...but infact they r the reason i might stay, i'm a bit confused abt tht, but i truly loved them and loved working with them all.
althought we our project ranked first but i'm so upset tht i messed it up a little i was the worst infact and it would be almost perfect if i wasn't so tentioned , anyways...i know they were sad but they didn't show it to me , they even tried to left me up =) which was so gr8 of them. i really feel so sorry for ruining it tht way =(.
i'm not sure abt leaving teenstuff or not yet, but i don't want to lose my friends especialy ppl who really means alot to me and touched me so much.
the 1st person is a young gurl tht i mentioned before in one of my posts...the little me (tht's wht i call her), this gurl really proved how simple and amazing she is...she's not just a copy of me, she's even better and much much cutier loool, anyways...she's unforgetable person...just wish some day she'd remember me too =).
the second person...someone i respect ALOT...loved working with ALOT...she was the lead of the group and almost did most of the job...she deserves ranking 1st really...i'm sure she's gonna be something gr8 in the future...i believe in her so much...always remember her =) and hope she does the same.
i have a terrible headache and my brain gonna explode...so i'll take some pills and go to bed :S

~Gratitude~


Thanks for being a part in my poor life

it's funny how things r going on now lol, sometimes i hate to admit things coz i don't believe they r true or at least wont last long , just coz i don't believe tht i deserve it tht much or even worth it.
sometimes a wish not to love people , coz i hate to lose them...i've lost many and i know i'll still lose more...but without living pain in me....coz i'm full.

i know tht my words rn't so understandable...so all i can say tht...i have my reasons...u have yours...and since we r not bothring eachothers with it...so we have the right to keep them for our selves.

it's better this way...

maybe one day....

or maybe in another life...

a moment with my self...

why do i freak out of love?? why do i ever run away and hide whenever someone says he loves me or even likes me??...am i searching for something or is it fear?
afraid to hurt someone...and this would make me hate my self forever.
afraid to get hurt....everyone does hate tht...esp when u trust someone.
afraid to trust someone's words...coz i know promises r hard to be kept.
afraid of commitment.
afraid of responsiblty.
afraid of beening loved by someone who might deserve someone better than me.
afraid to love someone...more than he would.
maybe it's better for me this way...run away of feelings...hide mines and close the door behind it.

if anyone read this , will probably think..."el bet deh mo3kada keda leeh"

and all i can do it...remain silent.

does the word sorry mean anything?..does it really make senses??...is it easy to be said after making a terrible thing to someone...and how abt if tht someone is so close???.
words r loaded pistols...thts right.
i messed up and runind a happy day..made others upset...and simply sent a "Sorry"msg???, is it enf to make it up for wht i said...does it show tht i REALLY didn't mean to say wht i said???.
sometimes i hate the way i love ppl coz it make me feel selfish .
nothing else to say but...stupid me!

The rest of me

I lost a part of me somewhere
I kept searching
Still can’t find it anywhere
I can hear it screaming…
I can feel it breathing
But bleeding
Is it lying between words and scars?
Or is it between broken hearts?
Someone took it away
Leaving me insane
Is it? Did I lose my heart?
Is it the missing part?
What else can be missing inside of me?
Thoughts, feelings or dignity?
Lying down…
My body starts to freeze
With nothing left in me
I may rest in peace


"i couldn't sleep last nit at all...there was so much to think abt... i was gonna blow my mind...but i came with the a point...that 1st love can be forgotten if u found another one who can love u even more than the 1st...worth it!..anyways...i just found those words coming out of mind...couldn't rest wihtout letting it out...really leaving a notebook and a pen beside ur bed it so usefull, and by the moment i held the pen the words just came out the way u r reading it now, i didn't even check it after wrting it.. i don't know wht is it suppose to mean..or wht feelings i'm trying to get out of me..but apparently not happy one"