Living half-human

With all the events revolving around i always choose to say whats on my mind within writing some times i'm lucky enough to turn it into a prose, poem or even a song...
few days ago i decided to go out without my car (i regret this), apparently it's hard for a girl nowadays to
walk peacefully. people don't understand that even the verbal sexual harassment can be painful , it might be only few nonsense words , but they explode like loaded pistols...i usually put on my headphones and make it as high as it can to avoid hearing anything, it isolate me from the world and all i can see is people miming in front of me , i don't bother to know what they are saying.
i wish every jerk would know how painful it is, and every MAN would feel how terrible it is when he just walks away and do nothing.
this is for every girl and every woman who deserves to be precious...

This is me..

Even though you don't want to see

This is me.. no one else

This is me, I'm using myself defense

I'm that girl In your neighborhood

That girl who was raped in front of you

With a silent scream in the night

Calling for humanity

Washed with shame

Accused of insanity

Is it me who should take the blame?

Or the blindness society?

Is it me who should bare?

All the insults with your wicked stare?

I'm your sister, who walks in fear

Who walks head down from the words I hear

I'm the one left with a broken pride

With no one except God by her side

It's me, I'm every woman

Who lives half dead, half human

Random thoughts

seems that life will never leave me alone, as usual one of those days where u feel u want to kill someone..i hate being angry,i hate the feeling of vendetta and only saying "7asbona Allah" that makes me calm down
why can't just people drop their loaded mouth and quit scratching our dignities with their nails and teeth like animals..
just like other girls...i feel humiliated..i feel wounded...i hate the fake society we r living in.i feel insecure, i'm mad at the whole world and i can't take it anymore.
i'm sick of being treated like a half human..like a doll...anyone would smash and crash on their way...
i wish i can kill every rapper , harasser, heart breaker and who ever thinks he can step on a pride. 

Complete the jigsaw in me =)

"

Does the one always has to be like you? do we look for similarities in relationships?
i've been always searching for someone who can be exactly like me...love what i love , hate what i hate. i thought that this could build understanding and harmony.
but the fact is, it will build boredom, life will be so boring and there will be nothing new...you wont have the chance to discover each other, to share the things you like and the things he likes...to fight over things coz both of u want it their way and then someone gently compromise and sacrifices  with a huge smile on the face...
just a big jig saw, we complete each other instead of being like each other and make a pattern

So close....no matter how far

That spiritual moment... submission
"Sujud" has always been my favorite part of praying, it makes me feel that i'm falling down between Allah's hands wishing for what ever i want or asking for his mercy and forgiveness. i feel very close to God in sujud and when i'm sad i cry deeply from my heart and i feel his watching me telling my that things will be better soon, stroking me telling me he is here for me.

That powerful moment....Love
No one will love you more than your parents that's a fact ,you will always love what you feel is a part of you or what you create with your own hands.On a larger scale ,as i said before in the relationship between God and his creatures no one will love us more than Allah. Even parents don't give their children all what they want, they ask them to wait and surprise them with a better thing, sometimes they punish them when they do something wrong and they always forgive them when they run crying back to them.
And after all the mistakes we do...he still loves us =).
when God loves someone he fills up his life that he becomes his ear he is listening with, his sight he is seeing with and his mouth he is speaking with as he said in this hadith:

عن ابي هريرة قال:عن الرسول صلى الله عليه و سلم قال: ان الله قال وَمَا يَزَالُ عَبْدِي يَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيَّ بِالنَّوَافِلِ

 حَتَّى أُحِبَّهُ فَإِذَا أَحْبَبْتُهُ كُنْتُ سَمْعَهُ الَّذِي يَسْمَعُ بِهِ وَبَصَرَهُ الَّذِي يُبْصِرُ بِهِ وَيَدَهُ الَّتِي يَبْطِشُ بِهَا وَرِجْلَهُ الَّتِي 

يَمْشِي بِهَا وَإِنْ سَأَلَنِي لأُعْطِيَنَّهُ وَلَئِنْ اسْتَعَاذَنِي لأُعِيذَنَّهُ وَمَا تَرَدَّدْتُ عَنْ شَيْءٍ أَنَا فَاعِلُهُ تَرَدُّدِي عَنْ نَفْسِ 

الْمُؤْمِنِ يَكْرَهُ الْمَوْتَ وَأَنَا أَكْرَهُ مَسَاءَتَهُ " رواه البخاري  

So close no matter how far.....ya Allah
Allah is always close to us no matter how far we are from him
 وإذا سألك عبادي عني فإني قريب he's even closer than our jugular vein 

 وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَرِيدِ  سورة ق  

we pray, to be closer to Allah, talk to him and show him our love through doa'a and tasbee'h, when you have no one else and no where else to go to, just bend and put your self between his hands, he is always there waiting for you.

يقول الله تعالى في الحديث القدسي : "إني والإنس 

والجن في نبأ عظيم ، أخلق ويُعبد غيري ، أرزق 

ويُشكر سواي. خيري إلى العباد نازل ، وشرّهم 

إليّ صاعد ، أتودد إليهم بالنعم وأنا الغني عنهم ويتبغّضون إليّ بالمعاصي وهم أفقر ما يكونون إليّ أهل ذكري أهل مجالستي ، من أراد أن يُجالسني فليذكرني . أهل طاعتي أهل محبتي . أهل معصيتي لا أقنطهم من رحمتي ، إن تابوا إليّ فأنا حبيبهم ، وإن أبَوا فأنا طبيبهم ، أبتليهم بالمصائب لأطهّرهم من المعايب ، من أتاني منهم تائباً تلقّيته من بعيد ، ومن أعرض عني ناديته من قريب ، أقول له : أين تذهب ؟ ألك رب سواي الحسنة عندي بعشرة أمثالها وأزيد ، والسيئة عندي بمثلها وأعفو ، وعزتي وجلالي لو استغفروني منها لغفرتها لهم"

Random Thoughts

My 1^st clash with the real world is when I was 16 years old, i was young and thought that people are exactly like how my parents taught me.

I was shocked with reality knowing that most of them if not all of them are fake, typically like clowns with different faces and different moods and only the smart clowns are those who play their roles right infront of the others. My white page started to be spotted with black and every time I get exposed to the world these spots get bigger and bigger.

It was hard to see all of this and it was hard to hold on to my values in this grisly world. I struggled and still struggling trying to tell myself that I am right maybe I fed up of proving it to others but, I'm still holding it on to myself.

It feels like a small tiny fish in the ocean, I try to find my way out through this drama and mostly I just go round and round in circles with no end.

My mind is getting crazy, I wont be surprised if I ended up one day in a mental hospital, who knows maybe it’s the real world out there..  

Salt and pepper 3 (some sprinkles)

ثُمَّ أَنشَأْنَاهُ خَلْقًا آخَرَ فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ  سورة المؤمنون : 12 – 14

  we were created beautiful like morning pure dewdrops, like a colorful rainbow in the blue vivid sky 

 Have you ever stared at newborn child ? did u watch closly their little bodies with soft skins, their innocent laugh that comes truly from the heart? yes God made us so beautiful all of us no one was born ugly or bad person we don't get spotted until we commit our first  sin and we start the struggle  between our two sides...earth...and heaven   

تبارك الله احسن الخالقين 

God blessed us with being his best creatures

so even if we were born unbiased our instinct will lead us to Him. just like the little babies they simply know their mothers without  seeing her , all they do is just "F    e    e   l" feel the love and care she gives, feel that they belong to someone and they are a part of someone 

 ?do u feel u belong to Him

and i guess that takes us to the second point here.....it's not about worshiping Allah, its about loving Him and that leads to worshiping

but how do we love God? and how does He loves us back

i'll post this next time inshAllah =) 

My 25th birthday random thoughts "salt and pepper shakers"

Previously in "Salt and pepper"…… when I look at those two little shakers I wonder what
 could present the salt and pepper in my life. Is it love and money ? or friends and family?.

I looked deeply to myself into the mirror I touched my face and I kept starring for a while I felt I was an earth creature made of mud and water like a clay and 

Subhan Allah who made that clay alive   

"وبدأ خلق الإنسان من طين ثم جعل نسله من سلالة من ماء مهين"  السجدة : 7 ، 8

I felt the beauty of this verse when I looked to myself , and yes…a big part of me is connected to earth to the material world around us because this is already 

how I was made and this is why a part of me is attached to "Al Dunia"

 فَإِذَا سَوَّيْتُهُ وَنَفَخْتُ فِيهِ مِنْ رُوحِي.... الحجر : 29،ص : 72

I guess this other divine beauty completes the picture of how the clay became alive, Allah gave us a part of him which is the soul the purist thing we were born with, 

our hearts become un intentionally attached to the unseen like "Janna"

To be continued with :  

ثُمَّ أَنشَأْنَاهُ خَلْقًا آخَرَ فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ  سورة المؤمنون : 12 – 14

my 25th birthday random thoughts

Salt and pepper.....

Today I got my 1^st 25^th birthday gift, its from one of the closest people to my heart its from a friend, a partner and role model to me. When Mrs.Rania took my hand and gave me the gift she looked at me and said: " i hope you use this" , she smiled. I didn't get it at the beginning and when I opened it I found a salt and pepper shaker, it laid in a small wooden box with engraved written words that says: " for someone special". I went back home thinking of mrs.rania's words, how can I possibly use salt and pepper shaker in something other than my kitchen ?!  

Random Thoughts

it feels more like i'm standing by myself in the middle of the desert knowing no where to go, i looking out for the hand tht was reaching for  me before but it seems tht it lost the way to me. i keep waiting and waiting... and as a the silence fills the place my mind is thinking of tht song i heard once while i was driving...and i couldn't think abt anything else except...peter pan...he believed he can fly...and he did 
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Somebody is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Dreams....

i love how songs talks about my life sometimes its more like they r saying my life story. today i just felt a bit of the song "Dreams" by cranberries its wrapping up the way i feel instead of trying to choose the best words, and that what i love best about the music tht feeling it gives when u r out of words or when u r not very good in expressing ur self...
also cranberries music really takes they r the reason why i loved bass... so enjoy the song.....and the words...

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

my beloved

its been years now and still i cry liked i've i lost u yesterday. i wish u were here i wish u could c me and what i've become u would have been proud of me =).
i miss u with of my heart and i can't forget ur face...ur olive eyes and white hair...i miss ur smile and ur prayers for me before i'm up to something..
i miss how u defended me whenever my parents shouted at me =)
i miss spending Fridays in ur house where u perfectly cooked all our favorite food and bring us those 2 big bags tht were full of toys and games.
i hate to remember that day u passed away peacefully but i wouldn't bear to see u in an ounce of pain i'm sure u r in a perfect place because u were a perfect woman and perfect mother and an amazing grandma.
i miss u with all of my heart =' ) i love u grandma

old random thoughts

i remember that day...not the exact date but it was a new year ever. in those days we cared about nothing...we were so young  we were so silly =). we enjoyed the moment. every single moment.

we were so pure like a morning dew drop we had no worries..no boundaries...no responsibilities.

i remember that day, we made a party, we played the music out loud and we colored our faces and we danced and danced ....we jumped around the house and of course we had a pillow fight =)

we were together...always together but now...i wouldn't b riting this if it was still the same.

i miss those days...i miss the feeling of childhood...i wish i can turn bk time.

i miss all the things i used to do...i always keep saying so...but i guess every phase has to end and a new one with new ppl must come.

nothing we can do except keeping those floating memories inside our hearts...get back to it when u miss it.

i wonder how things will turn to be this year...im waiting for the surprise and hoping for the best.  

may 2012 become cheerful and beneficial, may God protect us and send the best towards us.

ameen 

random thoughts

so far u r the only one who knows wht goes in my little heart, i can't reveal whts inside. maybe coz i don't find the words. i don't know how i feel. d i feel hurt? sad? all i know is tht i'm facing an emotional disturbance.
yesterday, i felt i was going to die and i just couldn't stop thinking about death all the time.
i'm  not afraid of death *i keep saying el shehada every now and then just in case*, i'm just worried of how am i going to die ?! in this year i've lost 2 of my good friends in 2 different accidents, and Sub7an Allah they ended up in completely 2 different ways.
The more i feel his love the more i feel that my end is coming. am i good enf to enter heaven??
i feel so exhausted , so helpless, i wonder when i'll close my eyes....and never wake up... 

Random person

he's not only a thought , he's a person..sum one i know and like calling friend =). well, i never knew tht he reads my blog i was pretty surprised,so i hope he understands tht this one is for "him".
i call him the smiley guy, for that he has a very nice msA, a smile that makes u feel the world is a better place and leave everything behind

maybe God put a smile upon ur face forever =)

Change

everything is going to another direction not sure if its to the worst or better i have to c it all first to know. i thought i can do it by myself but its not tht easy as it seems. at sum point i wish i can share this change with sum one, maybe tht would add the tune to my life.
i should learn to let go of ppl, no one really stays forever as we all promise for some reason we have to walk on our own sweet way. it doesn't mean tht we r forgotten but it means tht a phase has ended and we need to move on for the next stage,
just like changing ur mobile , laptop or even look. its like closing up a chapter of ur life , box it up inside ur memory and visit every now and then when u feel tht u miss this part of ur life.
its all boxed up bad and good together and when for instant u get bk to it, all u do is close ur eyes and draw a big smile enjoying the ecstasy of  getting back to it.
i don't get to do the things i used to do b4 i don't rit or read tht much and i don't even play guitar. however i started doing new things i started teaching more i started studying more and being responsible for big things.
i never thought i could b tht neither thought could b this. but i'm sure tht God puts me into it just to make me learn more abt myself to learn tht i can do things i never thought tht i can.
the more i prove my self the more i feel tht my end is really close.
i don't feel sad abt it as long as i've done wht i'm here for, i only feel missed and wonder when am i gonna c all my beloved.
maybe tht y i don't want to be alone?! maybe tht's i feel tht big empty space within me?!
well for now i'm trying to cope, i'm trying to be on my own in case if its going to be tht way =) hoping from God tht it would b otherwise and he's the only one who knows which will b best for me.

Random thoughts

i believe God puts me into these things for some reasons, i'll probably know very soon isA
لا يكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها
i can do it isA since he's the one who put me into it, he'd never put me into something bigger than me =)
so since her believes me....i believe in my self as well.
i know i might be cutting many thorns on the way but isA he'll guide my way. i just can't understand few things, i'm alittle bit confused and i don't want to listen to my inner devil...i do it unintentionally and i start to have those un-real thoughts.
i wish ramadan can be here to comfort me =( 

Random thoughts

Few yrs ago when i started writing in teenstuff, it's was like the beginning of a new life... a starting point for a completely different phase.
it wasn't me who made tht turning point, it was the ppl i met at that time. a boy and a gurl who looked at life with a different perception, they were totally different yet seemed like twins they had one very big common thing "they've been through very hard times in their lives". i was like a little child between them, learning about life, perhaps we haven't seen each other so many times through those 7 or 8 yrs but i remember each and every time we talked or went out...
sub7an Allah, we were separated for sometimes and maybe have n't spoken in years, then after a while we had a little chat every now and then.
i've seen how much they changed and how their perception started to change, change to the extreme, they became apart in fact they even hated each others after becoming very close friends. i was stuck in between as i had a good relationship with both, in fact i had great time with each one of them.
and here they go....with a second disappearance. i didn't know tht this disappearance would be for good.
it's was really hard to know all of a sudden tht they both passed away, different timing and different place and also....different way.
it just made me feel how much God is merciful and fair, they way he made things for us, the way he teach us nothing is more sentimental than tht. i had great memories with those 2 friends, some of them r stuffed in a box, a birthday card...few picture and an old tape for the cranberries. in fact i owe them for the change they left in me...
Still breathing...
Blue rover.....
mayb God rest your soul, forgive u, and reward u with Jannah
i'll stand in the line and wait for my turn =)

Random thoughts

i'm so exhausted, i don't even have time to sit with myself 

Random thoughts during ramadan

Elhamdolelah things are getting better it even got better than i ever expected. Somtimes u need to take ur own decisions without asking anyone's opinion Sub7an Allah God always put us on the rit track. i'm very optimistic about this year and my life begin to change already, my heart is fully open for the new phase i'm going through. and i'm expecting the best from God inshaAllah, however i learnt not to expect anything from people.
i've been wondering alot these days and especially yesterday, i cried so hard as i was praying and i screamed to God "please don't leave me, please i need ur help" i was very afraid of taking wrong decisions and there is no one else who can help me in this expect for him "God".
today i went to pray tarawe7 aat masjed al hosary, it's very peacfull there and i totally get into the spiritual mood. there was an amazing lesson for amr khaled there too, and i felt it was a reply for my yesterday prayer from Allah subhana wa taala.
as amr khaled mentioned wht he's going to talk abt, i started crying coz i felt it was specially from me. the lesson was abt "اليقين بالله" he said tht God gives u exactly wht u expect from him, if u expect the goodness, u'll find it coming exactly the way u want...and if u expect something bad, unfortunately it will come on ur way as well.
he said tht amazing 7adeth tht says: انا عند ظن عبدي بي، فليظن بي ما شاء ان كان خيراً فله و ان كان شراً فعليه
i sensed the great 7adeth and i cried when i felt God's mercy on me....he really heard me! he answered me! he sent me a whole lesson for me! is tht believable !!!!!!
i never felt more revealed, i trust God and i know he wont leave me...actually when i thumbed through the pages of my memories i realized that God never left me b4 , he was always there for me...he always made for me what i wished for.
Elhamdolelah, i thank God with every beat of heart and every breath i take...though i know it's not enf.
i'll always think good, and God will lead me to it, i wont worry or get sad coz i know he's always there for me, he;s never far away and he always replies.

A new ramadan...a new year

Today is the 1st day of ramadan and i dont know y it doesn't seem like it. i feel as if we r losing the essence of ramadan. i still find it a fresh start, a new beginning for those who wants a new chance.
i deactivated my facebook and i doubt tht i'll get it bk again, i need a break and i don't want to check it every now and then.
i don't feel good now days and i feel very angry from everyone around....wht the hell wrong with u ppl ! i want to get bk to work....i'll also get bk to writing
i want to run away from life