Random thoughts

I part of my life time book will end soon,
as a new chapter of me will start.
.........
2013 is almost here, elhamdolelah i've achieved all my dreams i had in 2011 and 2012 and exactly the way i wanted them to be.
i never thought i'd become a teacher and to the exact students i wished to teach =) , i;ve learnt from the best teachers. i never thought i'd buy a car on my own, and i did bought my own car with my own money.
even those little things i wished for God made me get everything i want :'). on the other hand i've learnt allot of things on the way, i've lost some people along..but i realized that it worth it at the end however i gained some new people too who is also worth it elhamdolelah.
and by the ending of 2012 and beginning of 2013 i started to figure my new dreams, and it's going to be 2 things tht i'll wish for all day and night, one of them is visiting the beloved "Mecca" and the 2nd will stay in my heart till i can reveal it, i'll keep it sincerely until i reach it ,i'll have all the faith and yaqen that God will give it to me inshaAllah just on the right time =)
and as my biology teacher used to write to me....i wish u all the wishes u wish to your self (please say ameen) 

أرجوك!

بقالي فترة مش بكتب عن الي بيحصل مع ان في دماغي حاحات كتير، بقالنا فترة محصورين في اتخاذ قرارات كتيره و كلها يابيض يا اسود (نعم او لا) و اليومين الى جايين قدامنا قرار بنفس الاجابة ، با ريت ماحدش يسألني انتي هاتقولي اه و لا لا للدستور عشان مش هارد لاني ماعنديش استعداد اني اسمع كلام مالوش لازه او حد الاقيه بيقولي "حررررررررام عليكي"

انا قراري هاخده بنفسي و لو محتاجه مساعده من حد هسأل بنفسي و مش عاوزه حد يقنعني بالعافية بحاجه (يا ريت كل واحد يحتفظ برأيه)....

انا اكتر حاجه كرهتها في الثورة انها صنفت الناس....بقينا كلنا لينا Tag معين (سلفيين - ليبراليين - اخوان - كنبة- طرف تالت..الخ الخ)  احتمال كمان يزودولها خانه فى البطاقه و الحمدلله كله دلوقتي مسك فبعضه وبقي يتاخنق عشان نفسه مش عشان مصر.

لو افتكرنا كده احنا عاملنا ثورة ليه؟ عشان التغير...تغير ايه؟ تغير الفقر..الجهل..الرشوة و كل الحاجات الكتيره دي تمام جميل اوى.

كام واحد بقي اتغير بجد؟ حتى لو حاجه بسيطة بس اكيد هتأثر...

للاسف لسه فى ناس بتاخد رشوة و ناس بتعدي و الاشارة حمرا و ناس و ناس و ناس.... واضح كده ان المشكلة ماكنتش فى الرئيس بس..بس في حاجات تانيه كتير.

.................................................................

الجديد اليومين دول بقى ان الى كانوا واقفين مع بعض فى الميدان هما هما الى بيضربوا في بعض دلوقتي وطبعا الناس كمان اتقسموا (انت مع الكفار و لا مع الثوار) و رجعنا تاني للشتايم و الاتهامات و الانتهاكات و قلة الاب..سبحان الله مع ان الهدف كان واحد ايه الى حصل؟

في وسط ده كله انا بتفرج...مش واخده جنب لحد ومش هاخد لاني كرهتهم كلهم سواء الى فالتحرير و الا الى فالاتحادية و لا حتى الى واقفين عند مدينة الانتاج (كل شوية المناطق بتزيد كمان)

رأي: انا مش بحمل الرئيس مسؤلية الناس الى اتضربت سواء من دول او من دول، ليه؟ لان هما الى ضربوا بعض (والله اعلم مين الى بدء) بضبط زي اى خناقه فى حارة مزنزقه (هههه بسام يوسف)

رأي: الاعلام كله زفت زفت زفت و مافيش حد محايد حتى لو جابو ضيف من هنا و من هنا ده غير الناس الى بتنقل كل حاجه منغير ماتعرف و لا حته تسال نفسها هو ده بجد ولا حاجه تانيه و للاسف الحاجات دى بتعل مصايب

رأى: كل مجموعه فيها الكويس و فيها الوحش ماينفعش بأى حال من الاحوال ان احنا نحكم على حد (و ياريت كل واحد يشوف نفسه الاول)

رأى: للاسف كله عمال يشتم يشتم يشتم مافيش حد بيدافع عن نقطه معينه كله بيغلط فى التاني و بقيت مسابقه مين الى يهين التاني اكتر. الناس مبقاش عندها ثقه و لا عندها دم ولا صبر.

رأي: من حق كل انسان ان يعترض ويتظاهر بس مش لازم الخيم و الحمامات والذبح و القرف ده!!!

رأي: ماينفعش اشطرت ان الاستفتاء يتلغي عشان اعمل حوار وطني

رأي: ماينفعش اطالب لحرية وانا اصلا مش بدي حقها لغيري (بصراحه عمر سليمان كان معاه حق لما قال ان احنا مش مجهزين للديمقراطية)

رأي: هانفضل نخون فى الناس لحد امتي والله ده لو سوبر مان هو الى مسك البلد هانطلع فيه القطط الفاطسه برده عشان احنا لسه حاسين بالمؤمرة و الخيانه و التخوين. ربنا يسمحك يا مبارك انت الى شكلتنا على مزاجك (لعنه مبارك تحل علينا) مش سهل اننا نخرج من عك 30 سنه ويمكن اكتر كمان في سنه و لا اتنين...احنا محتاجين دكتور نفساني اصارحه!!

انا زهقت من الناس كلها ونفسي اولع فيهم وادي كل واحد فيهم جوز اقلام و اقله (فوووووووووووووووووووووووووق) كتكم القرف مليتوا البلد! و منفضلك بعد ماتقراء....ارجوك ماتصنفنيش!!!

Random thoughts

it was raining heavily today i stayed in the car watching the rain it was like a waterfall. i enjoy watching the water falling like this so much i can feel the bless of God around me and i feel as if its washing the world from  our sins, washes all the pain and sadness in the world.
i hate to think of the past it brings nothing but heartaches and depression, life is really too short to spend it on sadness, this is what i always tell to myself, that's why i feel i've spent my life doing everything i love, trying new things and living my life as i wanted.
i've became things i never thought i'd be, i've played guitar and even performed in small gigs, i wrote in magazines and had plenty of fans i was even hosted on radio channel before as i always wished...
its amazing how God listen to our wishes and dreams no matter how small they sounded, he never lets them down.
and now i've became an ig teachers just as i wished for , i bought a car from my own money exactly as i hoped...every little tiny thing i wanted to do or have God gave it to me.
sometimes i feel that i'm so lucky to have all this coz i really worked so hard for it, but yet i still feel i've missed a big part of life..
maybe yes...i've missed alot of people in my life just because i'm afraid to the risk, i'm afraid to try and to lose my life. Elhamdolelah for all of this i know i'm so blessed, yet there is a huge gap inside my heart that still can't be fill.
it might be my fate to live my life alone, maybe that's y God wanted to make it up to me in another way.
Thank God for everything but i'll still have that little hope inside me =)

Random thoughts

yesterday i burst into tears with no reason i drove so fast tht i couldn't feel the road benthe me anymore, isn't it sad tht u know u can't reach those things tht makes u happy?
sometimes, ur dreams r so big , unreachable coz ur still not tht good enough for it...would u still keep trying and bear whtever will b broken ? if u only had 1% chance would u still go for it?

Living half-human

With all the events revolving around i always choose to say whats on my mind within writing some times i'm lucky enough to turn it into a prose, poem or even a song...
few days ago i decided to go out without my car (i regret this), apparently it's hard for a girl nowadays to
walk peacefully. people don't understand that even the verbal sexual harassment can be painful , it might be only few nonsense words , but they explode like loaded pistols...i usually put on my headphones and make it as high as it can to avoid hearing anything, it isolate me from the world and all i can see is people miming in front of me , i don't bother to know what they are saying.
i wish every jerk would know how painful it is, and every MAN would feel how terrible it is when he just walks away and do nothing.
this is for every girl and every woman who deserves to be precious...

This is me..

Even though you don't want to see

This is me.. no one else

This is me, I'm using myself defense

I'm that girl In your neighborhood

That girl who was raped in front of you

With a silent scream in the night

Calling for humanity

Washed with shame

Accused of insanity

Is it me who should take the blame?

Or the blindness society?

Is it me who should bare?

All the insults with your wicked stare?

I'm your sister, who walks in fear

Who walks head down from the words I hear

I'm the one left with a broken pride

With no one except God by her side

It's me, I'm every woman

Who lives half dead, half human

Random thoughts

seems that life will never leave me alone, as usual one of those days where u feel u want to kill someone..i hate being angry,i hate the feeling of vendetta and only saying "7asbona Allah" that makes me calm down
why can't just people drop their loaded mouth and quit scratching our dignities with their nails and teeth like animals..
just like other girls...i feel humiliated..i feel wounded...i hate the fake society we r living in.i feel insecure, i'm mad at the whole world and i can't take it anymore.
i'm sick of being treated like a half human..like a doll...anyone would smash and crash on their way...
i wish i can kill every rapper , harasser, heart breaker and who ever thinks he can step on a pride. 

Complete the jigsaw in me =)

"

Does the one always has to be like you? do we look for similarities in relationships?
i've been always searching for someone who can be exactly like me...love what i love , hate what i hate. i thought that this could build understanding and harmony.
but the fact is, it will build boredom, life will be so boring and there will be nothing new...you wont have the chance to discover each other, to share the things you like and the things he likes...to fight over things coz both of u want it their way and then someone gently compromise and sacrifices  with a huge smile on the face...
just a big jig saw, we complete each other instead of being like each other and make a pattern

So close....no matter how far

That spiritual moment... submission
"Sujud" has always been my favorite part of praying, it makes me feel that i'm falling down between Allah's hands wishing for what ever i want or asking for his mercy and forgiveness. i feel very close to God in sujud and when i'm sad i cry deeply from my heart and i feel his watching me telling my that things will be better soon, stroking me telling me he is here for me.

That powerful moment....Love
No one will love you more than your parents that's a fact ,you will always love what you feel is a part of you or what you create with your own hands.On a larger scale ,as i said before in the relationship between God and his creatures no one will love us more than Allah. Even parents don't give their children all what they want, they ask them to wait and surprise them with a better thing, sometimes they punish them when they do something wrong and they always forgive them when they run crying back to them.
And after all the mistakes we do...he still loves us =).
when God loves someone he fills up his life that he becomes his ear he is listening with, his sight he is seeing with and his mouth he is speaking with as he said in this hadith:

عن ابي هريرة قال:عن الرسول صلى الله عليه و سلم قال: ان الله قال وَمَا يَزَالُ عَبْدِي يَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيَّ بِالنَّوَافِلِ

 حَتَّى أُحِبَّهُ فَإِذَا أَحْبَبْتُهُ كُنْتُ سَمْعَهُ الَّذِي يَسْمَعُ بِهِ وَبَصَرَهُ الَّذِي يُبْصِرُ بِهِ وَيَدَهُ الَّتِي يَبْطِشُ بِهَا وَرِجْلَهُ الَّتِي 

يَمْشِي بِهَا وَإِنْ سَأَلَنِي لأُعْطِيَنَّهُ وَلَئِنْ اسْتَعَاذَنِي لأُعِيذَنَّهُ وَمَا تَرَدَّدْتُ عَنْ شَيْءٍ أَنَا فَاعِلُهُ تَرَدُّدِي عَنْ نَفْسِ 

الْمُؤْمِنِ يَكْرَهُ الْمَوْتَ وَأَنَا أَكْرَهُ مَسَاءَتَهُ " رواه البخاري  

So close no matter how far.....ya Allah
Allah is always close to us no matter how far we are from him
 وإذا سألك عبادي عني فإني قريب he's even closer than our jugular vein 

 وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَرِيدِ  سورة ق  

we pray, to be closer to Allah, talk to him and show him our love through doa'a and tasbee'h, when you have no one else and no where else to go to, just bend and put your self between his hands, he is always there waiting for you.

يقول الله تعالى في الحديث القدسي : "إني والإنس 

والجن في نبأ عظيم ، أخلق ويُعبد غيري ، أرزق 

ويُشكر سواي. خيري إلى العباد نازل ، وشرّهم 

إليّ صاعد ، أتودد إليهم بالنعم وأنا الغني عنهم ويتبغّضون إليّ بالمعاصي وهم أفقر ما يكونون إليّ أهل ذكري أهل مجالستي ، من أراد أن يُجالسني فليذكرني . أهل طاعتي أهل محبتي . أهل معصيتي لا أقنطهم من رحمتي ، إن تابوا إليّ فأنا حبيبهم ، وإن أبَوا فأنا طبيبهم ، أبتليهم بالمصائب لأطهّرهم من المعايب ، من أتاني منهم تائباً تلقّيته من بعيد ، ومن أعرض عني ناديته من قريب ، أقول له : أين تذهب ؟ ألك رب سواي الحسنة عندي بعشرة أمثالها وأزيد ، والسيئة عندي بمثلها وأعفو ، وعزتي وجلالي لو استغفروني منها لغفرتها لهم"

Random Thoughts

My 1^st clash with the real world is when I was 16 years old, i was young and thought that people are exactly like how my parents taught me.

I was shocked with reality knowing that most of them if not all of them are fake, typically like clowns with different faces and different moods and only the smart clowns are those who play their roles right infront of the others. My white page started to be spotted with black and every time I get exposed to the world these spots get bigger and bigger.

It was hard to see all of this and it was hard to hold on to my values in this grisly world. I struggled and still struggling trying to tell myself that I am right maybe I fed up of proving it to others but, I'm still holding it on to myself.

It feels like a small tiny fish in the ocean, I try to find my way out through this drama and mostly I just go round and round in circles with no end.

My mind is getting crazy, I wont be surprised if I ended up one day in a mental hospital, who knows maybe it’s the real world out there..  

Salt and pepper 3 (some sprinkles)

ثُمَّ أَنشَأْنَاهُ خَلْقًا آخَرَ فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ  سورة المؤمنون : 12 – 14

  we were created beautiful like morning pure dewdrops, like a colorful rainbow in the blue vivid sky 

 Have you ever stared at newborn child ? did u watch closly their little bodies with soft skins, their innocent laugh that comes truly from the heart? yes God made us so beautiful all of us no one was born ugly or bad person we don't get spotted until we commit our first  sin and we start the struggle  between our two sides...earth...and heaven   

تبارك الله احسن الخالقين 

God blessed us with being his best creatures

so even if we were born unbiased our instinct will lead us to Him. just like the little babies they simply know their mothers without  seeing her , all they do is just "F    e    e   l" feel the love and care she gives, feel that they belong to someone and they are a part of someone 

 ?do u feel u belong to Him

and i guess that takes us to the second point here.....it's not about worshiping Allah, its about loving Him and that leads to worshiping

but how do we love God? and how does He loves us back

i'll post this next time inshAllah =) 

My 25th birthday random thoughts "salt and pepper shakers"

Previously in "Salt and pepper"…… when I look at those two little shakers I wonder what
 could present the salt and pepper in my life. Is it love and money ? or friends and family?.

I looked deeply to myself into the mirror I touched my face and I kept starring for a while I felt I was an earth creature made of mud and water like a clay and 

Subhan Allah who made that clay alive   

"وبدأ خلق الإنسان من طين ثم جعل نسله من سلالة من ماء مهين"  السجدة : 7 ، 8

I felt the beauty of this verse when I looked to myself , and yes…a big part of me is connected to earth to the material world around us because this is already 

how I was made and this is why a part of me is attached to "Al Dunia"

 فَإِذَا سَوَّيْتُهُ وَنَفَخْتُ فِيهِ مِنْ رُوحِي.... الحجر : 29،ص : 72

I guess this other divine beauty completes the picture of how the clay became alive, Allah gave us a part of him which is the soul the purist thing we were born with, 

our hearts become un intentionally attached to the unseen like "Janna"

To be continued with :  

ثُمَّ أَنشَأْنَاهُ خَلْقًا آخَرَ فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ  سورة المؤمنون : 12 – 14

my 25th birthday random thoughts

Salt and pepper.....

Today I got my 1^st 25^th birthday gift, its from one of the closest people to my heart its from a friend, a partner and role model to me. When Mrs.Rania took my hand and gave me the gift she looked at me and said: " i hope you use this" , she smiled. I didn't get it at the beginning and when I opened it I found a salt and pepper shaker, it laid in a small wooden box with engraved written words that says: " for someone special". I went back home thinking of mrs.rania's words, how can I possibly use salt and pepper shaker in something other than my kitchen ?!  

Random Thoughts

it feels more like i'm standing by myself in the middle of the desert knowing no where to go, i looking out for the hand tht was reaching for  me before but it seems tht it lost the way to me. i keep waiting and waiting... and as a the silence fills the place my mind is thinking of tht song i heard once while i was driving...and i couldn't think abt anything else except...peter pan...he believed he can fly...and he did 
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Somebody is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Dreams....

i love how songs talks about my life sometimes its more like they r saying my life story. today i just felt a bit of the song "Dreams" by cranberries its wrapping up the way i feel instead of trying to choose the best words, and that what i love best about the music tht feeling it gives when u r out of words or when u r not very good in expressing ur self...
also cranberries music really takes they r the reason why i loved bass... so enjoy the song.....and the words...

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

my beloved

its been years now and still i cry liked i've i lost u yesterday. i wish u were here i wish u could c me and what i've become u would have been proud of me =).
i miss u with of my heart and i can't forget ur face...ur olive eyes and white hair...i miss ur smile and ur prayers for me before i'm up to something..
i miss how u defended me whenever my parents shouted at me =)
i miss spending Fridays in ur house where u perfectly cooked all our favorite food and bring us those 2 big bags tht were full of toys and games.
i hate to remember that day u passed away peacefully but i wouldn't bear to see u in an ounce of pain i'm sure u r in a perfect place because u were a perfect woman and perfect mother and an amazing grandma.
i miss u with all of my heart =' ) i love u grandma