i simply love her...and love everything about her
i even can't stand to be mad at her ..a word or a smile erase it all in less than a sight.
i wonder y i love her so much..i can't live without her..
wht's so special in her...i don't know..i know her abt 9 yrs ago but couldn't get it.
even when we have hard times btw us and i think we r almost crumbling...it simply fades away like it never been there.
again...
i love her and i love the things i hate in her, i hope she'd know how much she means to me...it's so much tht even words can't explain.
God bless her and keeps us together and join us together after death...

Fine! fast heart beats , Qawlon and nose bleeding!!! , wht else should i get mentally?
Thank God i'm alive...
it's been a while...and now it's time..
i'd better sleep

ur never tired of it, r u?
can't u leave a single day without telling me how terrible person i am?
here is a thing if it's gonna matter to u...
i'm tired...i'm tired and don't know wht else i can do for u?
please don't make it harder on me..life is hard enf and i'm hardly trying to feel happy...
just for once don't destroy tht plz.... i let u to enjoy ur life...can't u leave me do the same?
u know wht u mean to me rit?

Gratitude

Thanks for every single smile u draw on my face

am i going to far? losing control of it?
i hope i'm not going the wrong direction and do the same thing once more...
don't wanna lose again..i don't wanna ruin it
should i step back alittle?
i'd better do i guess
but the thing is...can i?...can i step back?
ya Rab....






note: miss u spicy and slider =(

This thing we have...the thing tht i don't know wht to call uptill now...
it's weird tht it's even growing up stronger from the no where
and everyday is different from the one before
i feel i'm born again in a new phase..
somtimes i feel we r both kids playing around in the school play ground...watching cartoons...playing at the funfair...we laugh!
sometimes i feel we r teenage best friends who spend all the together...and suddenly in the end we realize tht it's not just friendship tht we are feeling...
sometimes i feel we r couples , dreaming together and sharing everything...and even preparing for our future...
i can't get it...
and i dn't think i want to understand..
i don't want to think abt it tht much...
just feel and enjoy the moment...

V.I.P : THIS PHONE IS NEEDED!!!!

I've been dreaming abt having this mobile tht nokia created last yr at the valentine and mother's day " L'amour collection"

sadly i couldn't get when it was down at the markets...and when i was able to...i couldn't find it anywhere...but i don't want to give up so easily...so...plz if anyone knows somewhere who sells it or someone who wants to sell it with a nice condition and a nice price..PLZ PLZ and i repeat PLZ tell me!!!

i might sound crazy saying so but i'm strongly attached to this mobile...help if u can!

note:

the details:

Nokia 7373

L'amour collection

pink only !

i want to rit many things but everything mixed up together...i've been so exhausted l8ly and i hate the fact tht i don't have much fun anymore...i don't watch t.v , i don't go out thank God i have some time to eat and pray....
am i doing this on purpose? sometimes i feel as if i like torturing myself...or some stupid way of hiding from whtever...
still...
i'm a happy person elhamdolelah...yes i am happy, i am a cheerful person i have many reasons to be so.
enough tht many of the people around me like to c me happy and smiling always...shouldn't i take it as a good reason?.
anyways i guess i should run now...i have alot to do and a big day tomorrow

sometimes i don't really get my self. like for now i feel i hate everything around me...almsot everything and everyone and i don't know the reason , i just hate when i feel hate
so angry and want to smash anything around
y can't i stop acting like this?
y don't i delete the damn blog and close my msn account!
i don't want to talk....
plz no on ask's malek!

i tried recording my voice today...God! i'm the worst vocal on earth =D...thank God i never sang infront of ANYONE . i never said tht i can sing but i like singing despite the fact tht my voice is terrible lol i still do sing to my self.

From the moment I entered the hospital I was pretty amazed , I never thought tht we would have something so great like tht in Egypt , seriously u'll feel as if ur somewhere out of Egypt. It's like a shining star in the middle of el syaeda zeinab and el madba7 , one of the 7 wonders in the world.
I can't even write it in words, u should go and c it ur self.
The place, the atmosphere , the ppl , the treatment , the order and organizing everything and I repeat EVERYTHING is so perfect .
I felt comfortable there…even while working I enjoyed working there, it was really grea8 to c all the kids happy being there.
I felt pity for the ppl at the institute they r suffering from many other things , not just the pain…
For the 1st time I felt tht I'm really achieving something , doing something useful for someone, the kids loved us there and keep waiting for us to come every day , even the ppl who work there loved us too they r happy coz we made the kids happy.
I just love tht place I love it and proud tht we have something like tht in Egypt , I love the kids I adore their little smile when I teach them something and they ran over to show it to their parents .
Rabena yeshfey kol mared ya rab.
isA I'll never stop going there even after colg.THANK U GOD I'M HAPPY

I'm not so good in expressing my feelings...so much to tell but can't get out of my cheast, i guess maybe when it's time i'll be strong enf to scream them out LOUD!!
but when it's time...am i really gonna say eveything i want? everything i feel?
sometimes when i'm listening to a romantic song...i fly with my thougths and imagination and keep thinking of the day i reveal my feelings...both the good and bad, like to cry and laugh at the same time
i turn back and look at myself, we don't get everything we wish for rit?...so which things i should gave up ???

i never asked my self tht...

why did i make a blog?

i feel as if i'm in a weird dream..i don't know wht's going on...i don't know wht am i doing.
as if it been yrs and yes actually it been yrs...lots of yrs.
many thing changed...whenever march comes...i recall my very old memories...coz it's the month were everthing started to take another way and my life became upside down.
march...the changing point...
sometimes i think for a while and ask myself a question.." is it really me? am i tht person who is now?" mostly the answer is NO.
i don't want to turn back the way i was and still i feel weird for the way i am now.
i want to stand still...i want to stop thinking of my past...i don't want it to affect my future or at least my present...especially tht i feel i'm so close to make my dreams come true.
whenever i'm closer whenever i feel more afraid...i don't want to be hunted.
i don't want to be left alone...i feel so weak and don't want to slip down again.
i hope tht march pass as fast as it can...or else can't we just skip it? can i remove it or delete it from the whole yr! can i go on as if it's april or something??
oh God! wht the hell am i saying!
i think i'm only......bored

I MET RA2ES EL GAM3A!!!!!!! =D....
yesterday i had an apointment with the president of cairo uni. Dr. Ali Abdel Rahman...the meeting was at 1:30 pm so i was there @ 1:20 pm...but we were finally with him @ 3pm =D....yeah he's a busy man...so THANK GOD THANK GOD tht we had the chance to meet him...i think it's a really great progress !!! yes!!! i'm SO proud of myself elhamdolelah... i feel as if i can feel the ground under my feet where i'm standing and where i'm going. for the very 1st time in my life i feel i'm doing something...just a very small step through the future..
elhamdolelah for everything...bgad THANK U GOD!

so... it's been a while...very big one...

here are some news...

elhamdolelah i got gayed gedan last term...and tab3an tab3an elhamdolelah bas it's the 1st time to get gayed gedan and don't feel so happy with it...i'm sure i did more than tht...more to get a better gayed gedan not emtyaz...only better gayed gedan..i'm not sure if anyone can really understand this..bas Qadr Allah masha2 fa3l...and i'm sure tht Rabena hy3wadny be2ezn elah in something or another... =)


this term i'm more like... banta7er =D yeah i'm doing all i can and little of all i cannot...

i feel pain all over, my back my head my shoulders!!!!...physicaly and mentally

i might not rank anything....but i feel so glad tht i'm leaving something...something tht would make sum ppl remember me with =)...
i've never been famous in mylife except when i entered colg...i'm actually so glad abt it coz i'm remembered with good things...very good actually...i'm kinda prud of myself bgad =)...

i feel important...yes i'm an important person =D.... when ever a prof or a teacher needs something...they call for me ! andi feel great helping even greater when wht i did comes out almost perfect!...

again i'm proud of myself and feel more confident =).

today...i was an organizer with 2 of my friends...at a colg party...where we made a presentation and a documentry movie abt luxor and aswan..

and woooooooow they all clapped and the dean thanked us!

weeeeeeeeeeeew =) =D....

suddenly i felt tht i love myself!

it's a fixed feelings, feeling happy , confused , curious , excited and a bit worried from the future but not afraid.
i feel as if life is just begining or maybe it's a new phase.
wooow yrs r passing so so fast
i don't know it's been a big while since i felt like writing =(

Since I’ve been hearing the word “MARRIAGE” a lot lately , I decided that getting me wont be so easy =) yes I’m a girl and I’m precious at least for my family and friends .
It’s weird how’s almost everyone is telling me abt getting married , soulmates having kids and so on…everyone wants me to get married =D everyone brings to me a 3arees every now and then as if I’m taking a large space of their house !!!
Give me a break ppl I’m still not ready and still can’t find my mr. anonymous. I still need to focus on my 2nd term =D, then on my career..yes.. I need to be as ready as possible and feel tht I’m a grown up shewaya , at least have the ability to have my own source of living…
Anyways , as I said I wont let getting me be so easy, Mr anonymous should meet some important people before meeting my parents and these ppl r…

- my sisters and their husbands
- my best friends shahinaz and ahmed
- my godmother mero and my young sis injy
- my band brothers * islam , seif , Mohamed and shazly*
- my two cousins heba and manar
- my best friend ehab

coz these ppl r a part of my family and their opinion means a lot to me and I’m sure if anyone tried to break my heart…. =D hwa el 5asran ba2a. *kidding*

Then finally he can meet my parents =D.

About weddings…umm I didn’t really plane for it but I guess I’d prefer an Islamic wedding so I can take off the veil tht day =D * neyety we7sha shewaya bas it’s my wedding ba2a!!*
If not..then it’s gonne be very very veeeeeeeeeeeeery simple wedding with a violen zafa not all the noise with the drums , horses and so *I hate the very loud noise and probably wont be able to stand for like 10 hours !!!! high heals KILLS ME*
As for the honeymoon ummm I’m thinking to go for a 3omra or something???...ya3ni I care abt the honeymoon more than the wedding, maybe we’d go somewhere like Hawaii or Thailand it still can be sharm el she5 or somewhere in Egypt , Alexandria is cool too…or we can stick in a hotel we 5alas =D…ya3ni I only want it to be perfect..
Umm wht else…. I guess it’s all…

Allah yekon fe 3ono ely hydabes feya ba2a =D

=) wish me luck

i'm sitting in the dark and don't ask me how am i writing this , my left shoulder hurts like hell and my back is on fire :s yeah i'm not feeling so well...
i need more confident in my self the worst thing is me is my low self esteem...
and here is wht i'm listening:

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with you
im looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with youoh

why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with you
I'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with you
I'm with you

it's gr8 how some ppl still makes me hold on...whenever i'm tht close to shoot myself i find someone to grap my hands and left me up...it's gr8 to feel tht there r ppl who care abt u...feeling care is AWESOME.
so...i'd like to thank who saved the day =)...i wish u'd be there for me 4ever

I don’t know why I suddenly feel upset =( I just went to my bed and slept like a baby…I feel I’m a pathetic person am i?
I’m too small in the world that I feel it’s not really where I belong.
Lost in the nowhere and no other place to go. Don’t I belong somewhere? I wish I can delete all these negativity thought but u guess they have to appear every now and then. One of those break downs.
Till when I’ll be running away as fast as I can?
Till when I’ll be hiding?
And till when I’ll be hunted by my fears?
I feel so all alone

I never wanted the days to pass fast like now, I can’t sleep…I can’t wait to go and lie in bed with my 1st yawning. And I can’t wait till the nxt day comes and so on…
Can’t stop thinking..
I’m afraid to be let myself be happy…sometimes good signs really freak me out. When everything begins to be almost perfect…
I hope that history wouldn’t repeat it self once more…I hope I don’t fall apart again.
Does sometimes it’s no the right time? Or is it just the perfect time for it?
Have a chance…risk…trust??
A part of me wants it but the part doesn’t feel comfortable yet. I’m torn btw both.
Auffffff I can’t study!!! I wanna focus
P.s; I can hear it raining now which is so gr8. Too bad I can’t get out coz no one’s home now. Lol weird I caught a cold though

Today as i was on my way to my friend as usual *where me and my other friends meet , and go together to colg*
anyways i was walking fast coz i was a bit l8 for them..then i found someone from behind calling me...

"anesa...anesa...", i turn back and answered.
"yes".
he said "momkin as2alek so2al".
i was puzzled for a while.."ok"
he asked" hwa 7adretk mortabeta".
i didn't realize the question 1st so i answered fast" no y".
then after a sec i was puzzled...then he answered bk "i just wanted to know".
my face turned into red not from shyness bas from being angry !!!
i then found myself running to my friend's house..i looked bk and he was behind :S...i went up as fast as i can....
i don't know...heya el nas etganenet?...wala i was so attractive that he wanted to propose!!!omG, how am i gonna be attractive while i'm going to an exam , having papers in my hand...holding my bag with another...wearing my baggy and blue jeans jacket...NO WAY I AM THT ATTRACTIVE.
c'mon!!! even if it was true....WHT THE HELL HE WAS THINKING !!!
i can't believe any one who can get married this way!!!

A psychic poem by a mad girl

Nuts…but do you know
I’m crazy about you
I’m nuts…I know
I even made my hair blue

Sniff…sniff my nose is cold
Sniff…sniff I can’t hold

You made me go crazy
You idiot! You lazy
You just couldn’t say a word
That would simply change my world

Have you seen what you’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

Sip…sip I’m drinking some tea
Sip…sip I’m too blind…I can’t see

I thought you liked me
I saw it through the eye
But you never said it
Can’t believe it was a lie

Have you seen what you’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

Click…click what’s that I press?
Click...Click...What’s all that stress?

Why the hell don’t you leave me alone?
Why the hell your heart is like a stone?

I’m out of my mind….
Do you know why?
Because I drew fake wings
And wanted to fly

But you let me fall down that I broke my hand
That’s when people said that I gone mad

Have you seen what’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?


By: Sunshine

i'm suppose to be studying for my exams, instead i found myself riting poems to complete my 1st poetry book...still one place left for a final one...

anyways this poem is part 2 of a poem i wrote with the name "how can i forget" tht i wrote 3 yrs ago...i rot this poem for the same person..well...i'll leave u with the poem now

A recovery stage

I thought I’d never let you go
But life made me do

As you forgot me long ago
I only begun stop thinking of you

It’s too hard to let go of the past
Too hard to admit it won’t last

What’s harder…
Knowing that you were too weak
Too weak to fight for what you seek

Didn’t I worth it?
Or was it too hard?
But it seemed easy to leave me with a broken heart

No more tears to cry
No more
Because my eyes got dry

Time seemed to stop since we were apart
Don’t I deserve like you a new start?

I’m tired of feeling how pain tasted
Regret about the time I wasted

It’s already been too long
It took me years to know I was wrong

As for the wound you marked
It will still be there
Only buried inside my heart

I’m not the first and won’t be last
Who will be recovered from her past



Sunshine

Life is like a teacher u never stop learning from it, i've been looking at my life l8ly and i kinda lol abt it...loads of things happend and many are coming up.

why am i riting this? don't ask

today the sky was so blue...it was the best blue colour i've even seen in my life...so blue like sea, i couldn't stop staring at the cloudes either...

6 october is really a gr8 place for meditation...every single day. it makes me feel i wanna hug the space..

few hours l8er...it was raining...i stood in the rain, never felt the cold, i felt i was washing my self..from the past maybe or might be from the present.

Spiritualty...

i've always loved this word...

also Meditation

Sentimental

sensation

Bittersweet

Chaos *i don't know why*

I am Human...i noticed tht recently...i breathe...i feel..wait a sec. wht did i say..i feel?..FEEL, wht does feel mean? feeling?

how do we feel? does everyone FEEL?

does everyone feel pain , love , care or even hate? like when u hit someone..kiss someone or even hug...isn't tht sweet?...wht does sweet means? how does it taste in our minds or hearts...

wht am i saying?

Dear All:

i'm sry i've been away for along time , but i'm so busy n'exhausted =( colg is taking all of my time , i can hardly sleep or eat...still didn't start studying for the final exams...which is going to be on 30th dec. and i'll be done on 15th jan isA.

so happy Eid everyone and happy new yr in advance =)..i've missed my blog and everyone around..sry tht i'm not here but i promise tht i'll be there soon isA and check wht i missed.

I wish i was a butterfly:

rabena ye3enk sweetie and really no need to apologize el mohem tht u feel better soon isA...we isA we'll have a chance to talk soon...rabena ma3aki ana bad3elk bgad =).

i miss everything even myself...all i need is ur prayers for now plz

thnx everyone

When I say that I feel I’m going to die young, I really mean and feel so =( . I’m not saying this to make you feel upset, but I have this feeling strongly in me and really I don’t know why I keep feeling so.
Sometimes I really feel I’m dying… yesterday was one of those sometimes…
I felt I was dying..i couldn’t take my breathe and my heart was beating very fast…I kept saying el shehada and some do3aa…I couldn’t sleep, I was so afraid…I was I kept seeing myself dead…I saw a paper with my name on it…”توفيت الى رحمة الله الطالبه “شمس أحمد this paper was hanging in my colg.
I wondered how my friends will know abt it…esp those who been a while since we talked…I thought abt my best friend…when can she know…after few weeks? Month? It wont be more than tht…
I’m still so afraid…afraid to sleep but never wake up. I wanted to wake my mum up and ask her to sleep beside me…but I couldn’t…and I was really going to wake up and tell my parents that I’m going to die..because I really felt I was going to.
All of this time I was sitting on bed trying to sleep…I succeeded in sleeping…but after less than an hour I woke up again and got the same feeling…
My heart was beating so fast that I felt it’s time..it’s going to stop a minute or another.
I was upset because I didn’t want to die this way…and I was thinking about everything I wanted to do in life.
After a long straggle I finally fell asleep…and woke up to colg.
I couldn’t stop thinking abt death..and wasn’t really sure…what am I supposed to do?
I asked my friend…
“do we feel that we are going to die before dying?”
“yes”
“ do u know someone who felt so wala eh?”
“yes…me”
“c’mon maybe it’s only stress we r all loaded this year”
“I don’t know…but I really feel it so much”
“ok…stop it now plz coz I don’t know how to react in such situations..cheer up keda we ed3ey”
“I do, I just feel weird”.

She changed the subject…

I still get tht feeling at night…sometimes at day… and I found a friend of mine giving me a book to read…

Sub7an Allah…it was abt death maybe it was just a coincidence…

I’m sorry…this might be a very disappointing post.. is might be my last post..? I don’t know…

I can feel tht there is a msg for me…or it can be only colg stress…who knows…

I need your prayers

I feel strange l8ly , for the 1st time I don’t think how many yrs r left till I graduate , now I’m only months away…
For the 1st time I feel tht I’m OLD..not too old..but I never noticed my age b4, I’ve always felt tht I’m a still a child…a teenage…I don’t know how to explain tht but I’ve looked at myself in the mirror…and I felt I’m a young lady…I have responsibilities.
I have a life and a future to start.
I don’t know why I got this feeling now…maybe coz I was so confused abt wht to make after graduating..i have many choices and I don’t know wht to do..and how to start.
I feel I want to make many things in the same time…
I want to make my masters
I want to keep up with the band
I want to work as an air hostess and in the same time write in a magazine
I want to learn continue my German course and take a Spanish one too.
I want to continue my Quran lessons.
I want to make an e-mag
I want to volunteer in 57357 hospital
I want to join culture wheel and make a membership
I want to join some yoga’s lessons
I want to study metaphysics online

And many many things tht rn’t on my mind now

Life is passing by so quickly , I’m afraid to die before leaving a sign , and I really hope I’d leave one…

p.s:

dear i wish i was a butterfly

thnx alot dear for ur concern , =) u made my day bgad, i'm so exhausted and have lots of things to do everyday...barly find time to sleep =(..yeah colg is killing me tht's y i am away, and sadly it's not just the grad project...i feel i'm committing suicide this yr =D...

ed3ely plz hunny

thnx alot =)

i've been facing weird situations on my way home l8ly.. :S
i never thought tht there still something in some ppl called N-I-C-E or S-W-E-E-T....
i was "sayma"on a colg day and going home after "el- ma3'reb"prayer as usual..."3adi 3adi"
when "el 2athan"was starting i 4got to buy anything to break my seyam with...i searched in my bag for anything but i all i found was...like always...gum.
then i heard the guy siting behind me calling...

Miss...miss...etfadly

i turned and found him offering me a chocolate patee..i was surprised... and didn't get it at 1st..

enty sayma we lesa el tare2 tawel..he said smiling...

i was still surprisd...how did he knew tht i'm sayma :S?...

i was puzzled for a while then i said, merci gazak allah 5yran...and smiled bl =)

he kept offering it again for a while... and i kept thanking him all over again..

i'm still surprised how did he know tht i'm sayma !!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i was bk from my friend's house..standing in "medan lelt el qadr"waiting for a nice cute tok-tok to drive me home... * there r no much taxies in 6 october yet*
so...i was standing...then i heard someone from behind..

hwa 7adretek 3awza tero7y feen?

i was :s 1st then i answered...el 7ay el estesmary....

he: 3and masaken el shabab? his acsent seemed not egyptian...

me: umm..yes??

he: tayeb ana saken henak law te7by awsalek fe tare2y...

me: :S la2 merci awi gazak Allah 5yran...

he: gazana wa 2eyakom...bas law te7by awslek 3ashn mato2fesh keda...

me: la la merci ana harkb 3ala tool isA.

he: =) ok..ber7tek..

after abt 5 min. i didn't notice he was still standing...
then he goes again...

modmazel.....

me: *awel mara 7ad yeklmny be zo2 awi keda fa tab3an tana7t*...yes...

him: belah 3alek mynfa3sh to2fy lewa7ed keda...yaret te2baly awsalek..mat5fesh walahi!...

me: rabena ye5alek merci keter bgad bas ana isA hrkab 3ala tool....

him: asly mesh 3awez asebk keda...

me: merci awi rabena ye5alek...ana met3aweda ..

him: *disappointed* tayeb...mesh 3wza ay 7aga?

me: gazak allah 5yran

him: gazana wa 2eyakom...

*btw he looked so decent awi*

we tab3an elhumdolelah eny ana 3oyony mesh daba7a we sha3ry mesh asfar we byter fel hawa , fa i'm sure it wasn't harrasment...in fact i was coming bk from colg wearing my janesport back bag so i wasn't in my best looks either... lol

anyways i'm really surprised...feeh keda fel denia?...
sub7an Allah....i thought these kinds of guys died in the war as everyone says...lol...

it's also nice to feel tht stranger can care abt u more than ppl u know...in a way u still matter for someone even if u don't know...

weird... =)

i'd like to thank i wish i was a butterfly for tagging me =)..thnx alot sweetie i was really glad

كنت طالب شاطر في المدرسة؟

بصراحه مش اوى مش لدرجه التفوق بس كنت بذاكر يعنى و بجيب مجاميع حلوة بس مش داحيحه يعنى لانى بكره الحفظ و المشكله ان نظام التعليم عندنا بيمشى بالحفظ بس, هوه انا فى تانيه ثانوى جبت مجموع مهبب بس كان بسبب الصحوبيه بعيدن حولت فى تالته ادبى و ذكرت جامد مع انى بكره التاريخ...و الحمد لله زدت حاوالى 10 % و ده رفعلى المجموع اوى و بصراحه انا حاسين انى فخوره بنفسى جدا لا ن عادتا الواحد بيقل فى تالته فى حسيت انى بذلت مجهود و كسرت قاعده

ايه كانت أحب مادة ليك في المدرسة و الكلية؟

الاحياء و انا علم علوم و الفلسفه و انا ادبى

اما فى الكليه فهما كتير شويه:

اولا: كل مواد المسرح زى الديكور و الاضاءة,نقد مسرحى, تحليل مسرحى, فن الكتابة المسرحية

ثانيا:مواد الصحافه و التليفزيون و التتصوير

ثالثا: علم النفس

أكره مادة ليك في المدرسة و الكلية؟

الرياضه انا كنت حماره فيها و بمجرد لما بشوف ارقام بهرش فى راسى :)

فى الكليه بكره كل ماده ليها علاقه بالتربيه

كنت عايز تطلع ايه و انت صغير؟

الاول دكتورة بيطريه

ثانيا مضيفه جويه

ثالثا عالمه فلك او كمياء

اخيرا صحفيه و كاتبه انشاء الله و لسه بفكر بردو فى المضيفه الجوية

أغرب حاجة اتمنيتها هي إني ابقى؟

سواقه تاكسى و مش عافه ليه؟ يمكن لانى بحب السواقه اوى

اسم مدونتك؟

my fantasy world =)

لماذا اخترته؟ و ما هي نيتك من اختياره؟

فى اغنيه اجنبيه بتقول:

i am the princess in there nothing wrong in my fantasy world

tht's it's called fantasy world and the site is vip-rincess which mean very important princess =D

i feel i'm a princess so i created my own world

هل فكرت في اغلاق مدونتك؟ و السبب

لا لانى كاتبه ذكريات حلوة اوى و البلوج بمثابة ارشيف و مذكره زى مذكراتى الى بكتبها على الورق

صورتك في المدونة... رمزيتها

انا كنت حاطه صورت بنت فى لعبه بحبها جدا و بتربطنى بيها علاقه جميله و خاصه بعدين شلتها و حطيت صورة بنت محجبه عجبتنى اوى بس مش اكتر

أحلى جملة قيلت لك في وصف مدونتك؟

بصراحه مفيش حاجه معينة

التعليقات بالنسبة لك. أهميتها

هوه فلاول كنت بكتب و مش بهتم اوى لكن مع اول تعليق كنت مبسوطه اوى و حبه ان الناس تقراء البلوج

ما أحلى بوست كتبته؟ ضع اللينك ثم اذكر لماذا

بدون غرور لقدر الله مش هقول ان كلهم حلوين لكن كل واحد ليه معزه خاصه عندى عشان كل حاجه كتبها فى ظروف معينه فانا بصراحه محتارة جدا و عشان كده مش هكتب حاجه

أحلى مدونة قرأتها

تنفيس لابو صلاح

منمن بنوته

انكشاريات

بورتراوى

نفسى اكون فراشه i wish i was a butterfly

حد قل أدبه في التعليق؟ عملت ايه؟

الحمد لله لا

إيه اللي هيحصل لايميلك لما تموت؟

هاهاها اكيد هيتقفل يعنى

اديت الباسورد لحد قبل كدة؟

ايوة

ايه كانت علاقتك بيه؟

هوه انتمتى عارفاها بس مش حافظها لانى ساعات بطلب منها تفتحلى اليميل لو عندى مشكله

اسمك؟

اول حاجه بتصحى... شمس

اسم الدلع المشهور بيه وسط أصحابك

أووش او سوشى

مجال دراستك؟

الاعلام التربوى

شخصيتك... نوعها ايه؟

انا بحس ان فيه و كل حاجه مش عارفه ازاى يعنى ساعات بكون برده اوى و ساعات بكون حساسه جدا و ساعات بحس انى لذيذه و ساعات بحث انى سخيفه بس حاجه اكيده الناس اجمعوا عليها و هى انى طيبة الحمد لله بس مش لدرجه الهبل

مودك ايه؟

عادتا بتأثر بالناس الى حوليا

بتعمل ايه في وقت فراغك؟

بكتب

بقرأ

بتفرج على فيلم

قاعد على اللاب توب

بعزف او بغنى

بخرج

الأكلة المفضلة؟

الشعريه الطويله noddles

البطاطس المحمرة

السفر بالنسبة لك؟

بحبه جدا و نفسى الف العالم

و بحب طريق السفر الطويل اوى

صفات أخدتها من بابا

الطيبه و احترام الجميع و الذوق و الكرم

صفات أخدتها من ماما

الكتمان و انى اكون اجتماعيه و الحنيه

أكتر 6 حاجات بتكرهها

السرقه : و دى ليها قصه طويله اوى صعب احكيها دلوقتى

الكدب

الغش

الصوت العالى و الزعيق

الاذلال المعنوى

الشتايم

أكتر 6 حاجات بتحبها

الجنون

العب و العرايس

افلام الكرتون

قيام الليل

الصور

الموسيقى

الشغل بالنسبة لك

هوه اساس وجودى على الارض سواء شغل شغل او شغلى كا أم

ايه الكمبيوتر و النت بالنسبة لك؟

واخد جزء كبير اوى من يومى و انا اتبسط اوى لما جبت اللاب توب لانى حسيت بخصوصيه فا بحبه اوى اوى اوى

تمرر التاج لمييييين؟

ابو صلاح

عبدالرحمن ابو بكر

أنكشارى

واحده متفزلكه

Colg wasn't like everyday...i missed my colg best friend and dear sister mona =(...she's sick so she couldn't come.

and really i felt so sad coz she wasn't around...i really felt i miss her alot

she always make me laugh out loud!, the funniest gurl i've ever met =D

i really hope she'd recover soon so she can come...MISS HER

i felt i wanna cry...most of ppl at colg r my frineds..

but i have only 2 who r so close to my heart...2 tht i hate to go to colg when they r not there.

i'll pray for her...

miss u dear =( tegy bel salama isA

You, me and the broken hearts

For all the hearts that been broken
For all the tears that been shed
For all the souls that been falling
For all the lies that been said

For all the dreams that faded away
For all the love that can never stay
For all the times we tried
For all the years we lived and smiled

For all the pain you caused to me
For all the passion inside of me
For all the wishes I wished for us
For all the people I no more trust

For all the scars in her and me
For everything you turned to be

It’s time to heal and change my life
It’s time to cut your picture with a knife

It’s time to leave all the past behind
It’s time to get off the dark, long night

It’s time for you , her and me
To move on
And forget the word “HE”



Sunshine (20)

The best time i usualy spend is with my life comapnion "Nano". yesterday was so weird for both of us we cried alot then we went mad and laughed like hell.

i can't deny tht we both have some misunderstanding btween eachothers but it's ok we are humans =D and i feel it's kinda boring if we had the same characters like mirror...

anyways

as i said, yesterday was weird...we were ending our misrable era and starting a new life...

facing our past and healing it with our love for eachothers...

and both of us were comfort by our man and brother Ahmed =)...

the 3 of us r so nuts =D we were friends since 8 yrs ago...we do all the crazy things togther, i feel as if we r a real family...sometimes i wish if i can spend the rest of my life living with them...loving eachothers and caring for eachothers.

althought yesterday wasn't exactly as i hoped at all...but maybe it's time to turn the page and start writing a new one...

tht wht i do for living...writing...but i still can't write in my book of life.

i hope this can be an end and a start.

Today was so weird! I met one of my very best and dear friends ever =).

I never thought I’d meet her coincidence in the CTA.
I was sitting in the front seat with my best friend on our way to Mahaad El awarm, when I saw Ingy getting into the CTA…

I was puzzled!! I was like OH MY God I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S U! , the thing is I was just thinking abt her on the way and decided to call her when I get home…empathy is really working well with me lol.

I found my self screaming her name INGY INGY, and we both were stunned lol.
As I wanted her to sit beside me I asked my colg friend if I can sit on her leggs for a while =D.
I really missed her so much…and till now I can’t believe I saw her!
We talked and talked and kept staring at eachothers as if been yrs.
I was so excited as the beginning of my day and off course I couldn’t let her leave without taking a pic for her.
She also introduced me to a friend of her and told tht her friend was a fan of mine! She gets teenstuff and read my poems…she even search for my poems by name in each issue…
She said “ I’m so happy to meet u , I love ur poems ur so gr8 msA, and u sometimes makes me cry too , really I’m so so glad”
I blushed :B
In my life I never knew I was known..i never knew tht anyone really reads my poems..and OH MY GOD I have fans?!
We talked for a while and I was happy to know tht there ppl who believe in me..ppl I don’t know and never met…
Tht made me overwhelmed!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Ingy and her friend get down for their station…we were on our way to mahaad al awram….
Then after sometimes we got there and I saw the rest of our friends waiting out side…then we entered the place…and honestly I was kinda shaking and my heart started to beat little bit faster…I was worried abt my reaction.
The place wasn’t as bad as I thought…it wasn’t so crowed , but it was in action all day.
Big halls with seats, a cafeteria in a corner for tea and coffee, and little place selling some sandwiches…
Everyone was kinda silent…sitting , drinking and waiting…

I hate waiting..

Then I noticed some ppl carrying their kids..even old kids like 12 yrs old…
Kids were both gurls and boys…little gurls putting on small hats or veils.
Boys wearing caps..sometimes without…there was just no hair..

The building is so huge abt 6 floors or something…we went to the 4th and 5th floor were we visited some chambers and a new library they r going to open by nxt week..
And again there was a medium halls with seats…

Again many parents outside sitting…some sitting on the stairs…some one the ground..even some were sleeping on their bags *some ppl came from long distance*
We didn’t enter any of the kids chambers..
but ..
I glanced and felt pain all over my body…I felt the pain of needles , pills and chemical medication…
There were many ages…starting from 1 yr old till 18 yrs old…

I looked at the parents for a while…they were all sitting..waiting for the unknown , crying without tears…

That was hard…and when we were abt to leave…I started to tear…

well i thought abt riting abt myslef and thnx to who suggested and supported me =Dactually it can be like my biography...so here it is my 1st biography ever in my blog =)

Name: Shams Ahmed Mohamed Mostafa El-Hewify
Nickname: SunShine =)
Date of birth: 29th june 1987
Home: raised in Imbaba, giza had a life time in Zamalek living in 6 october
Studies:Faculty of Specific Education , Mass com. dep.

about myself:
I'm a poet: i love poetry and write english poems
I'm a writer: i love writing, it's the only thing i can do well *i guess*
I'm a musician: i played violin and now playing bass guitar
I'm a reader: i love reading novels soemtimes books, i love reading abt metaphysics.
I'm a human being: i think ppl r all humans no one's higher than anyone we r all gonna die, i hate humilation and stealing most.

i'm looking forward to be the best muslim journalist and take noble prize, i'll also have my own magazin someday isA..
i will

i love animals
i adore dogs as pets they r the best animals =)
i hate cats ans pigs i adore music...english mostly and all kinds of music starting with romantice and pop ending with rock and metal
i like movies...esp. comedy and horrer
i like learning abt super natural powers *ESP* and all the metaphysics world and i'm kinda getting good in it and even rit articles abt it
i like trying new things and everthing *almost*

most people tell me tht i'm empathatic, i have strong empathy ability lol and it's something i'm proud of...feeling others is a gr8 bless =)


i guess tht's all for now..dunno wht else to say if i remembered anything i'll edit isA =)
thnx alot for reading

y do i get the feeling tht i'm losing everyone around me?...

plz...

don't give up on me...i don't wanna be alone...plz

i don't want to pretend happiness anymore...i want to feel it

i wish i can stop crying...fed of it...

WHERE THE HELL R U!

just stay with me!!! it's not alot to ask for!!!!

I WANT TO GET THE DEVIL OUT OF MY MIND!!!!

I PROMISE MY NXT POST WILL BE BETTER THAN THT !

I was thinking during the past few days...was blog made for personal stuff or general stuff...like y would i rit abt myself? who on earth would care to read abt my crap??
shouldn't i rit something useful instead?
umm....maybe riting abt myself is nonesense but i still got a point!....i mean maybe i don't rit impressing things ...but once in a while someone can get anything from it.
my mind is numb now..i can't think of anything...am not sure of wht i'm riting...
rn't i babling now?

ok i'm going...

Well I couldn't tell you

why she felt that way,She felt it everyday.

And I couldn't help her,

I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, whats wrong now?

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs,

where she belongs.

She wants to go home,

but nobody's home.

That's where she lies,

broken inside.

With no place to go, no place to go,

to dry her eyes.

Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside,

find the reasons why.

You've been rejected,

and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs,

where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

That's where she lies, broken inside.

With no place to go, no place to go,

to dry her eyes.

Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.

Her dreams she can't find.

She's losing her mind.

She's fallen behind.

She can't find her place.

She's losing her faith.

She's falling from grace.

She's all over the place!

nobody's home by: Avril lavigne

i prayed tht today i'd feel better..and when i was abt to recover , it changed my whole day..i felt worse...i felt crumbling..

the worst of all it made me tear again... i thought there were no more tears

but it staped me...so hard...right through the heart.

i have no where else to be...i feel the world is getting bigger and bigger

no place for me in it...no where to run and cry

maybe i just need to vanish ...hoping everyone would b happy tht way

i failed to be anything...

a friend..

a lover...

a sister...

an even a writer

just everything...

maybe i have to go away...or stay away is a better word.

i should stop bothering others...i should stop making them feel sad for me

i hate be "Nekadeya"

am i bad? is it my fault?

maybe i just can't be good in anything...

this aint me...

plz God help..

I know
that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if
you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find
A girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you
(oooh) I wanna run to you
(oooh)
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay
or will you run away

Each day,
each day
I play the role Of someone
always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there,
no one cares for me
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
(chorus)
I need you here
I need you here
to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much...

by: whiteny huosten

i went to pray "salat al 3eid ", i was all alone by my self.

the weather was so cool and foggy i can c the dew all over cars, tress and flower...as if the whole world was all washed from sins and starting a new brand life.

i can hear the emam saying "Allahu akbr kabera Walhumdo lelah kathera..."through the mic so loud and strong.

the masjid was so crowed and i hardly found a place...i love the way the masjid looked...so full of ppl , men , women and kids...u can see the joy of eid in there eyes.

some kids had balloons already lol.

i got my camera to take some photos but sadly the batteries were empty =(.

i loved the voice of ppl while praying when they say "Allahu akbr"then saying "Ameen"in the opening all together in one loud voice...how come we r a weak ummah? i woner!.

bk after the pray i walk into the fog again...hardly see anything...i thought for a while if it can be paradise...i tried to imagine as hard as i can the houses the gardens...

i felt i was a spirit flying in heaven...the cool breeze was cooling me.

i take a deep breathe and then take it out slowly.

tht was a gr8 feeling...

I still feel deppressed...i cry but with no tears...but still crying

i wish i can know wht's bothering me tht much, i appreciate those ppl who r trying to make me feel better...yeah nothing worth it..but i still feel i'm in pain

i feel i'm so alone

i wish i can find someone's shoulder to cry on...maybe tht y my tears don't wanna fall...

sadly..there no one there...

i don;t wanna walk through this but i guess i have to, sometimes it's better to face our fears

i'm sorry i'm not feeling ok

i'm sorry for myself

and really wish to get through it

y do i find it so hard to say wht's bothering me? y i don't say wht makes me sad or upset..
y i don't tell ppl when i'm sad from them?
is tht weakness???

i still can't sleep

i think i'm busy thinking...

but wht am i thinking of?

tomorrow? or after?..y do i feel so confused?

i'm afraid to go and walk into my past...i'm afraid to get hurt by the present

"i was me but now she's gone "

am i fading into black?

i should get a new hair cut..makes me feel like a new born

I hardly slept the past few days , but today i totally couldn't sleep
today is the 27th of ramadan..lalylt al qadr..
ramadan went so fast and soon all the demons will be free again one more time

so prepare for the war...

tht reminded me with the quote in the terminator movie "I'LL BE BACK" loool

u know honestly i found out tht there r humans who r worse than the demons and devils them selves...yes... and even deserve more than HELL

anyways i decided to enjoy the last moments of ramadan...no matter wht and no matter who
i want to feel the bless

i want to catch anything before the world becomes up side down again

اللهم انك عفو كريم تحب العفو فعفو عنا

somtimes when ppl say...i'm here if u wanna talk....i care...
do they really mean so?, but wht do they do to prove their care?

nothing...

i hate it when ppl make me feel tht i'm pathetic....don't feel sry for me...

sometimes i hate being online..coz simply sum ppl don't care enf to ask except when i'm ONLINE....

and it goes like "oh u don't come online tht much"

well...it's nice of u to notice tht...but i think when i die...u wont even know it...

u know wht?...

whtever...

life is so confusing..
a moment make u happy
the folllowing make u sad
y do we always seek happieness?
is happieness gonna make us happy?
is there sumthing called happieness?
i don't know...am i happy?
even happieness make us tear sometimes
is it normal to feel ur life is upside down?
is it normal to feel sad without a reason?

i was told many times tht my words r full of sadness
but it's a part of wht inside me
i'm not pessimistic
and i don't know y am sad now

days r passing i'm not feeling with much progress
i feel i'm wasting my time breathing
a bit useless
i'm tired
insane
am i killing myself?



i want someone to slap me on my face so i'd wake up



p.s: thnx for whom stood by me all the nit chatting..i really appreciate tht and sry for wasting ur time =) i'm glad i gained a new friendship

Should i cry or should i smile?

i remembered when i told u...tht we'd be best friends for all the things in common we have. too many things...weird things...maybe it's wht made so close so fast

understand eachothers from a sight.

now..

sometimes when i feel so stressed up...i just wish to run over and cry for u.

i wish i'd call u and complain from everything.

just because i know u'll understand and listen and even make me feel alright.

but...

ur not there...

now i remembered a song, white flag by dido..

I know

you think that

I shouldn't still love you,

Or tell you that.

But if I didn't say it,

well I'd still have felt it

where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction

to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I'm sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I'll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I've moved on....

Yesterday i wished to die
i don't know y
but i had this stronge thought of death
wht makes ppl think tht death is a bad thing?
i just felt i'm sick of my self
i hate to feel tht i'm a weak person
i hate to feel tht i have to obay the orders without talking
have to listen and be silent for wht i hate
have to be hypocrite and say wht i don't wanna say
isn't tht weakness?
depression....
frustration.....
for how long is it gonna be bearable?


ان ليك عند الكلب حاجه قوله يا سيدى

nothing else i can say......

حسبنا الله و نعم الوكيل

لو قالولك اختار عصر من عصور مصرعلشان تعيش فيه تختار اى عصر و فى عهد اى حاكم .. واشمعنى؟

عصر سيدنا محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم او حرب 1973 لان نفسى اوى اجاهد فى سبيل الله و اموت شهيده

اول اولويه فى حياتك عيلتك ولا شغلك ولا اصحابك؟

عيلتى

شغلى

اصحابى

ايه اكتر حاجه بتحبها فى رمضان؟

لحظات قبل الفطار و صلات قيام الليل , التمرهندى و الفانوس ابو شمعه و شكل الشوارع و هي فيها زينه

اوصف ليا اجمل فطار ممكن تفطره؟

فطار مع عيلتى كلها او مع صحابى كلهم و فيه اكل كتيييييييييييييييييييييييير و الواحد يشبع يا دوب لما يشرب الشوربه بس

لو انت حاكم على مجموعه من الافراد هتكون عادل؟؟ طب هتعمل ايه عشان تتأكد انك حاكم عادل؟

اكيد كل واحد هيقول انه هيكون عادل بس انا بحس ان الكرسى ده ممكن يغي الواحد غصب عنه فانا شخصيا افضل التنازل على العرش بس ممكن امسك حاجه فالوزارة و ياريت تكون الاعلام

اللى بيبوظ الحكام..نفسهم ؟ ولا الشعب ؟ ولا الحاشية المقربة؟؟
كلهم حاجه واحده بنى ادم فا الكل مظلوم و الكل مسؤل
مين أكتر اعلامي مصري بتحترمه؟

خيرى رمضان

قريت ديوان عمر مصطفى صاحب بلوج تجربه " اسباب وجيهه للفرح" عن دار ملامح و لا لسه ؟؟ لو اه ايه رايك فيه؟؟

لا

لو ممكن تشتغل شغلانه تانيه غير اللى انت بتشتغلها او كنت بتشتغلها كنت تتمنى تبقى ايه؟

انا منفعش فى حاجه غير الكتابه
ايه تانى بلد تتمنى تعيش فيها بعد مصر؟

اسبنيا,المنيا, اليابان او جزر هاواى

اوصف ليا ترتيبات اجمل فرح ممكن تحضرها؟

نفسى احضر فرح اسلامى اوى انا عمتا بحب الافراح الهاديه

بتراعي كلام الناس والقيل والقال؟ لو اه او لو لا قول لى ليه؟

انا على طول بهتم بكلام الناس عنى و عن الحاجات الى بكتبها سواء بالسلبى او الايجابى لانى للاسف مش واثقه فى نفسى حبتين فا بحب اعرف راى الناس

السعاده هى؟

صعب ان يكون فى تعريف للسعاده لانها بتختلف من حد للتناى فانا نفسى مش عارفه بس حاجات كتير بتخلينى سعيده

عندك أمل؟

عندى امل و عمر و كولوا بس ممكن يجيلى احباط بسرعه
لما تحب تهرب من كل شئ بتروح فين؟

بكتب فى المذكرات بتعتى او بنام و بحط المخده على وشى و احضنها و اعيط

لما بتعمل عمل خيرى بيكون ايه هو دافعك الاول؟

انى اسعد الى بعملو الخير و ارضى ربنا عنى

بتشرب سجاير؟ لو الاجابه اه ايه شعورك لو شفت ست بتشرب سجاير؟ وليه ؟

لا

عادى انا بضايق لما اشوف ست او راجل بيشربوا سجاير

بتعرف ايدك اليمين من الشمال ازاي؟

ايدى اليمين بعمل بيها كل حاجه تقريبا

ايه اكتر اله موسيقيه بتحبها ؟

الكمانجه بحبها من زمان لانها اكتر اله عاطيفيه بالنسبالى ده الى خالانى اتعلمها و بعديها على الطول و الجيتار بالذات bass بعد ما اتعلمته عليه

و اخيرا الهارب و الماريمبا و البيانوه

فى رأيك ليه الذوق والنخوه اتعدموا؟

لا مش اوى صاوبعك مش زى بعضها بردو بس يمكن من ضغط الحياة و مرور الزمن الواحد بكون فى نرفزه على طول و خلقه ضيق
ايه الحاجه اللى لو حصلتلك تبقى سعيد قوى؟؟

انى اعمل المجله الى بحلم بيها

انى اموت شهيده

تختار يبقى عندك...ارض زراعيه ولا اجنس عربيات و لا كام عماره و لا فلوس فى البنك؟؟

فلوس كتييييييييييييييييييييييير عشان اجيب ارض و عربيه و كام عمارة اسكن فيهم الناس الغلابه و اعمل مجلتى و مسجد و اطلع حج انا و اهلى و اجبلهم كل الى نفسهن فيه
البحر و لا النيل؟

النيل بليل و البحر الصبح بدرى
مركب و لا طياره؟؟

طارة
مجنون و لا عاقل؟

محدش عاقل اليومين دول بالرغم من ان ربنا سبحان و تعالى ميز الانسان بالعقل
تقرأ كتاب و لا تتفرج عليه فيلم؟

الاتنين بس انا بحب اقراء القصص اوى لان خيالى واسع و بتخيل القصص الى بقراءها
امتى قولت ياااااااااااااااااااااااااااااه انا كبرت؟

لما اخوتى الاتنين خلفوا و حسيت انى بقيت خاله

بتمرر التاج لمين؟؟

لاى حد يحب يجوبه و احب اشكر بنوته (منى) الى قالتلى اجوبه

“So don’t you see?
That I’m truly free
This piece of scarf on me,
I wear so proudly…”

Those words were by Sami yusuf, I love hearing this song so much, and it makes me recall some very old memories…
When I first wore my veil, my hijab…
Back to 2001 / 2002 I was about 13 or 14 years old in 3rd prep school, I was like all the other girls looking forward to get a new short haircut, maybe cool highlights too..
And as for clothes I couldn’t take off my eyes of that baby blue jeans and the hot pink top…I got to get those! That was my main target.
Although my two sisters were veiled, this idea never crossed my mind for a second, I was happy the way I am, I’m a good person even if I’m not wearing a veil, I mean I feast , I pray and everything else…so it’s not a big deal.
No one really talked me about hejab before even my mum which was so great because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was kind of avoiding it when ever it’s mentioned from anyone.
My best friend was the only veil girl in our class, she was doing her best to convince me with it but I was closing all the doors…I never knew why I never tried to listen and give it chance before then I figured out that I was only trying to…hide.
Hiding from a truth and hiding for doing a right thing…yes I didn’t want to admit that.
At the beginning of the school week as me and my best friend were walking way home I found her giving me tape saying: “would you only hear this please? I think you will like it…and maybe you would wear it by the end of the week”.
As I loved her so much I had to take the tape…I kept thinking on my way home…to hear or not to hear the tape…
I decided to put on the tape and give it a shot, it’s not going to harm anyway…few minuets and I started to cry…I closed my eyes…I imagine my self standing in front of God…asking me...”did anyone convince you with praying? Did anyone convince you with fasting?”…I was speechless…no comment…that what I was fearing to hear. That was what I kept running from.
It’s not the man in the tape who made a change point in my life…put his words and his way opened a new door inside my self. A new way of thinking.
I kept thinking…how I love to make anything that could please my mum and dad and how I’m so thankful for everything they gave to me and made me the way I am….so what about my Lord who created me by himself from the first place?...isn’t he the most ONE I should try to please first? Isn’t he the ONE who really made me the way I am?...giving me all I want?...and I still need someone to convince me with what he asks for?....I hated myself when I thought of that very very much…but I thought if God didn’t love me he wouldn’t have let me hear the tape. I mean I had the chance not to hear it…so for the 1st time in my life…I felt love and bliss.
So, I couldn’t wait for the end of the week to wear it, I couldn’t go to school without it at all…although I had no suitable clothes for it or even scarves…but girls can always mange things when they want so I asked my sisters for help and they didn’t disappoint me. =)
I was so excited to go to school with it and see how my friends going to react especially my best friend…
I entered and here it was a very big wooooow in the playground all my friends staring at me smiling and kissing me as if I got engaged, and my best friend took my hands showing me to everyone around…I was extremely happy until I heard something that really shocked me… a friend of mine said...”what the hell you did to yourself!!! Take it off quickly!!! QUICKLY!” she wasn’t the only one who shocked me that day.
I was stunned for a while…I didn’t know what to say…I went home a little bit frustrated and prayed, I was complaining to God. Is that what I get? I thought that will make me much better person not a freak!
I calmed down for a while and started realizing that the way is not going to be so easy. No way is a piece of cake you have to fight and be strong…not to fall down. And this thing worth fighting for.
Many many things came on my way telling me take it off, take it off, I was more like struggling in this world but I enjoyed it because for the 1st time in my life I felt I was fighting for my right as a normal muslim girl.
Actually there were 2 main things i was fighting about, fighting for my veil and fighting against it.
My 1st battle was with people who think that wearing it makes me narrow minded, strict, and not COOL girl, more like hiding my head completely not just my HAIR. I once heard from a guy that he won’t let his wife wear the veil because he thinks she will look like servants and he definitely can’t go out with her that way!
Now I want to ask a question.. Did anyone noticed before that nuns wear the same thing on their hear? Yes they are VEILD with long dresses and long sleeves. Can anyone show them disrespect or call them servants?
My 2nd battle was with VEILD girls. When sometimes I asked my friends about wearing the veil they say…” don’t you see the veil girls in streets? “. It’s a shame how some girls disrespect their veil and even wear it for other intentions. And that how people get bad ideas about veiled girls and some how Muslims in general.
And now I will ask you another question…we can’t judge all people like one, can we?
I’m not trying to convince girls with wearing the veil and I’m not trying to be some kind of new “She5a”, I’m sharing my experience hoping I can open the door for someone…and hoping that every girl would respect enough her hijab, and finally hoping that people won’t think we are empty headed girls…

“Why can’t you just accept me?” she says“Why can’t I just be me?” she saysTime and time again
You speak of democracy
Yet you rob me of my libertyAll I want is equalityWhy can’t you just let me be free?”….


By a proud veiled girl : Sunshine (20)

seeing the world and seeing my life from a completely new..LENSE!. i got a new glasses it look so neat lol making me dizzy till now.
but it made me see my life in a different way...more clear..more wide..more...i dont know. but even when simple things change..larg things change too.

I cried last nit as i wished, i was about to sleep but i couldn't so i sit in bed and just brust into tears , stuffed my head in the pillow as i always do,i don't know y i was crying or y i felt like i wanna cry.
i miss lots of things...

i miss my dogs
i miss our family fridays
i miss my old friends
i miss travis mullen
i miss dreaming
i miss feeling blessed from inside
i miss my inner self
i miss myself very much

somtimes i wonder who am i now?

i think i need to cry more tonit

I decided not to be broken by love , i think there is bigger much bigger things that can break a person....when i think of those who lost their families....their lands and dignety, i think again why should someone be broken hearted by someone who doesn't worth.
no one worth

-i've been waiting for ramadan long time...i need those spiritual awesome moments. makes me feel content, and i planned to make it one of my best ramadans ever isA.
it's still passing so weirdly not like the every ramadan, fridays r even weirder....there is no our usual " lamaet el fetar" there is a different lama now new families and new faces , new grandparents , new grandchildren and new aunts =).
pretty new , pretty getting old.



-i don't know why i always dream of ppl who wants to kill me?, and mostly i fighting and trying to protect others sometimes dogs...weird...usualy i die in the end and i feel how death is like mostly.
y am i protecting others and not me? y i don't think abt myself even in my own dreams ?


-tomorrow 1st day at colg and last yr in it too, can't deny my fears but i want to be stronger and stronger than the last yrs.
isA i'll get gayed gedan as my final grade and will get emtyaz in my graduation's project =).
i'm praying to be one of the best journalists and writers , having my own best selling mag. having nobel prize.....

=) i'll go pray

a reply for duon:

well...no poodles anymore =)..they didn't pass away, but if u checked my older posts u'd know tht i had to let them go...well long story better not to recall.

i'm so gratfull for ur trust in me Ali , honestly i still wonder y do u tell me this and u don't know me that much.u didn't read much of my stuff too and actually i do want to send u some of my writtings and take ur opinion...i really appreciate it so much coz i believe u r saying the truth without compliments.

and i remind u of ur self? REALLY? lol u sounded like 30 yrs old saying so, but thnx for such a thing =).
well i still have many to say and many to ask too =D....

thnx alot again for ur care =) now i check my blog every hour to c ur replies =D loool

Sub7an Allah!

i hate it when my parents shout out for nothing, maybe tht's y i grew up hating everyone who shouts or lose his/her temper quickly.
seriously it's a terrible annoying thing.
plz dad...mom..will u plz stop shouting?! coz ur ruining the happieness like this.
i love u but plz stop it !

it's amazing how i can make others happy =) yes i feel i can do tht for real. seeing them smiling laughing and hugging me tenderly is a gr8 feeling.
seeing them all around me makes feel happy...i am happy..really i am.
maybe my mind was little busy...but i was doing my best to be in the mood, sorry if i ruinded it a bit..but thank u for making me happy...being happy is an easy thing to make.
thank you.
i'm happy
i'm glad
i feel good
am i crazy?

the last week was a mixing of happieness and sadness together...1st on wednsday a dear family member passed away...she was like my real grandma as we spend fridays with her as we used to do with my grandparents...all of a sudden she left...i wish i have seens her before going away...or maybe it was better so i don't feel more bad...actually it was weird how i reacted after i knew the news..
we were all sleeping and my sisters were there too...then suddenly i heard my sister dee crying i thought i was dreming so i kept sleeping then i woke up again on everybody's cry... i paniced from bed a ran over to them i found everyone crying.
i don't know but i cried before knwoing the news...then my 2nd sis told me , "teta shafa3a tawfet".
i was paused for a while...sit on a chair and kept silent for few hours with my hands on my head...i didn't cry though...i don't know i felt i am in a long boring dream and i was trying to wake up...tht night was so so long one..thank God it passed.

It's the 1st novel tht ever made me cry...really it was so so touching i never thought it would so THT gr8!
the characters r so deep and touches ur heart, their description , their insides and outs..make u imagine the novel live....
i like tht part in me when i imagine conversations and picture the view as if i'm seeing a film....yeah i'm imaginative and finaly found something nice in me...
back to the point...
it's the 1st time to read something or anything abt afganistan....to know how much they suffered like the other countries...and to know tht they r still suffering.
i feel it's too bad to leave ur country in war time...escaped and live away from ur home..or get killed by one of ur OWN country old friend..hard choice...
the political side was represented within the conflict btw the characters..and the conflict in there inner selves too... so i felt the characters r truly holding more meanings than it shows.
i liked tht he used some arabic and farsi words and good choice in choosing the characters names too...
really i enjoyed reading it...