Random thoughts-17

my feelings r really confusing me...i don't understand anything.
but i feel my life is changing..better things r coming my way isA. i feel my life has a meaning.
all these pictures inside my head....all these thoughts i want to write.
i really wanna start...i wanna b bk...isA expect my new long post by tomorrow... :) i'm excited already!

random thoughts-17

i'm so happy coz almost all of my best friends got married , i'm soooo excited to c their little bitty kids ^^.
and as usual...ppl and mum can't stop saying "3o2balek" for 1019272639302846 zillion times.
i just believe tht my time will come one day when i'm ready. it's a life time and choices should be taken carefully.
i'm not a normal person and obviously i need a weirdo like me =).
so far no one really grabs my attention , although i know many ppl around...but so far no one really meets my freaking inner self
humph.....

Random thoughts-15

is it silly to feel tht u want to disappear for a while , just to c if there any one will miss me ?
i hate facebook
i hate msn msngr.
i'll take a big break from both...

When i was young

few days ago we took this song at the teaching course it's very very interesting, we all loved it...i'll leave u with the lyrics of the song...

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deepfor such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learnedI know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.Won't you sign up your name,
we'd like to feel you'reacceptable, respecable, presentable, a vegtable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,the questions run so deepfor such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

the logic song by supertramp

23 yrs ago...

23 yrs ago i came to this world, i wish i can remember my 1st days as a baby and how it felt like to open my eyes on many ppl smiling...
when i asked my mum why did they call me shams ?. she told me tht i was born with the sun rise and there was a song on the radio for farid el atrsh i guess called " shams el aseel" or something like tht...so my dad picked the name shams.
thank u dad :)
i didn't really expect to get so many happy birthday wishes. it was gr8 to see all these ppl..my friends...my band...my family and even my students, i loved the "happy birthday miss shams" ^^ i'll never express how it made me feel.
i admit being 22 was really gr8 i really loved it...i did many things.
-i joined one of the most great organizations AYB.
- there i knew many gr8 ppl i really respect and appreciate them all, so glad to call them..friends.
- i was a teacher of 19 cutie-devil kids...i'm so proud of them and i ADORE them.
-i finally joined the IG department and i think i finally found my way, although i struggled but i think i'll do gr8 isA.

i need to go to bed now.

Random thoughts-17

i think i'm back to astral ! yetserday a gr8 feeling of vibration just like i used to when i used to astral project. it was very hard tht i was scared to death, i woke up from my bed and went to sleep beside my mum lol. it's was a really weird feeling...feeling ur whole body paralized...ur eyes r half opened half closed....and ur pretty aware of every little thing around u...and ur feel scared coz u feel like dying...u try to wake up and u can't open ur eyes...
amazing....i wish i can stop waking up...

Random thoughts-16

i miss writing so much, sometims i feel tht i'm going alittle bit far of my dream. it all started with writing and end up with teaching. it not tht i hate teaching but i have my other plans.
anyways rit now i'm trying to go to the IG dep. at the school i'm working at. i am really struggling and facing lots of problems coz of tht. they think tht a 22 years old like me can't deal with older kids...and i'm looking forward to change this idea isA.
my mum is sad coz i'm not engaged till now :( and she feels i don't want ot get married coz i keep refusing the past few grooms. it's not tht i don't want to, but i still can't find the person tht i can spend my life time with...the person who can love my weird freak character as it is and enjoy my craziness
i know i'm stubborn and silly and want to make lots of things in short time and tht's almost impossible. but, this is me...yes i'm tht perosn.
i'm a weird character...yes...
i'm a girl who loves her veil, trying to be close to God as much as i can, i'm memorizing Quraan as much as i can. yet, i love music..love being with the band..metal and rock r her best genre. another side simply loves mahmoud el eseily , monier and sometimes even amr diab.
the only sport i like is wrestling and always wanted to play kick boxing...and LOVES doing yoga.
although seems quite and innocent...i love horror movies, i got my self a bike...and yes i ride it outside the house.
i don't like cats like most of the gurls, i'm in love with DOGS...and i don't put on make up even when going to interviews..
i like doing everything and trying everything new.....i wish i can take noble prize one day... have my own magazine...and i also added improving education in egypt in my plan :).
it's hard to bare all this and i think egypt is out of extra ordinary guys
... lol although it's me but i wouldn't like to live with a person like tht :D

Random thoughts-15

today was really so weird although i was so happy and had so much fun...i brust into tears at the end of the day.
i feel my life is only a waste of time, i hate to be tht frustrated but my life been a totally messed up. i'm torned btw too many things tht it makes me so confused. i'm not sure if teaching is my field or shall i try something else. right now all the doors r seems to be closed in my face.
i wish i could a journalist as i've always wanted to be. i'm really happy with my writing as a freelance...but i was waiting for much more...riting interesting articles...being wanted by international magazines....having my own column and having my own magazine one day.
i'm almost 23 and still in the middle of nowhere, i wish i could reach wht i want in a very young age.
nothing is impossible, but sometimes life stuck things in ur way and u have to take sometimes to stand on ur feets.
right now i feel i should whtever i'm doing and have a big break before my negativity ruine others....
please God please don't leave me

random thoughts-14

all of a sudden i feel tht the world is big for me,

i feel so little , actually so tiny.

my dreams with my hopes, keeps flying away.

my heart and my mind keeps me in confusion, utterly.

i feel so weak against my fears.

my passion gradually disappears.

it seems i'm a bit frustarted, i know

almost everybody been telling me so.

i didn't mean to come out with this as a poem

but my hands kept on rhyming

as i sit sleepless till dawn

this might be stupid..might means nothing at all

but it's only my random thoughts...before i starts to fall.

random thoughts-13

i'm so sleeeeeepy i had one big gr8 day...bas i'm happy :) still confused but happy. i went back home to my sweet home embaba (L) today. it's gr8 to have those flashback every once in a while. i really wanna finish this yr ba2a :( and rest! can't wait till may !
i feel i'm getting weirder every day lol and ppl just can't stop talking abt it. and i really don't get me sometimes...it's like i'm doing very random - un related things to the what ever . that makes me one freak akward character :D.
i don't know where am i going...bas i don't want to drift away....i hate building hopes esp when i know tht it's 150% not gonna work. i admit i do hang with very thin strings.
i really didn't get anything from wht i'm riting now....i'm just laying on my bed with the laptop on a pillow and letting my random thoughts out before i go to sleep...and now i should really sleep coz i'll wake up early again :'(

Random thoughts-12

my life have been so confusing...i hate beeing busy! grrrrrr it's been a long while since i wrote a good poem :( or even an article.
i started to do more things in my life...keeping my mind busy busy....but i still think and sometimes bad thoughts control my head. i miss those days when i used to have happy dreams and thoughts before sleeping..
and once again a question pop into my head.. who am i? and wht am i doing here?

Radom thoughts -11

Today was a very happy day :) elhamdolelah...i'm sooooo lucky to have such parents.

i can't believe i finally made a dream come true, i finally got a bike...a cute, purple, pinkish one..

i wasn't planning on buying any today, i was only going to pass by...but i saw it and was so in love with..it's like it was calling me to buy her...*yes i treat my things as pets*.

many ppl told tht i'm too old to ride a bike in the streets and some of them even made fun of me...but they never knew how much i really love the feeling of getting back to childhood, the feeling of running fast and fast till i feel as if i'm flying. and the fresh air hit my face and flirt my hair.

i'm sry to tell u ppl...but i don't give a damn abt wht u say...i don't care if i'm a gurl or a boy...if i'm old or young...

it something tht makes me extremly happy...and tht wht really matter to me...

i love u my new bike...i love you u sushi *tht's wht i called her* :)

Random thought -10

Mother's day was so quite this year, but i got my first present from one of my children in the class. it was really cute as i never got a present on mother's day...it made me think for a while..."am i ever gonna be a mother?".
actually i'm glad of my job as a teacher this year i never thought i can deal with kids who r only 3 and 4 years old.
on this mother's day, i miss my granie the most...tht angel who used to care abt me the most.
of all the ppl...i know she the most person on earth who really truly loved me and cared abt me.
i miss my dogs so much, they were the only creatures who made me trust them.
i have a great feeling of depression , i want to go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay and planning on it isA.

Random thoughts-9

U told me once tht we would reach the end, and here we are we got there so fast. Too bad we have to get old and busy.
U were so just DAMN true , I know u stopped reading my blog coz ur so "busy" but maybe if u passed by coincidently u'd know tht this post was for U.i miss u my friend.

Random thoughts-8

i wonder where did the ppl who care abt the inside more than the out side go?.
ummm... resently i've realized that i'm really blessed, i thank God for making me the way i am, for giving me such wonderfull things...such brain...such soul...such heart.
i'm much better than many other people around the world..i have my eyes..my lips...my hands and legs, i can read, write , communicate , learn and feel...many many things to mention.
i'm so happy and pleased with everything i have...really "elhamdolelah".
i'm happy i wasnt born beautiful or rich or famous.
my friends loves me the way i am...my dogs loved me...my parents and family loves me, and most of all if God didn't love me , he wouldn't have created me.
too bad some people judge us for not being what they wanted us to be.For God's sake try to use your minds clearly.
Thank you my lord for giving me everything i need and for surrounding me with such amazing peopl and angels , i hope i worth all of this.

Random thought-7

i've been thinking alot latly,i don't know why i still think of you as if i lost you yesterday.anyway after letting it on more time *and i hope it's the last* , it's seems better to keep it tht way. thinking that we didn't belong in this world, nothing we can do except for moving on keeping our memories boxed up safe in our hearts. letting it out whenever we feel tht we miss eachothers.i don't wanna waste my life thinking "was it really meant to be or not" coz if it was it, u'd probably still b here.
i'm glad with the person i am now, despite the bad side, but u left me a part of u tht grew up within me.
i wont wonder if this thought is the same to you or not, but i'll believe it is even if it was a lie.
now good night my beloved memories, it's time to get back inside the box.

تستاهلي!

تحمست كثيراً عندما عرفت انه كاتبها هي...فاطلما احبتت قراءة مواضيعها لما تتميز بقوة و جرأة لم التقي بها غير مره واحده فقط لكني وجدت انسانه رقيقه و جميله حبوبه للغايه تحدثت معي و كأنها تعرفنى منذ الصغر. لم اكن اتخيل ان تكون هذه الفتاة الجميلة تستطيع كتابة هذه الموضوعات بهذه الجرأة و شدتني كثيرا مدونتها التي تتحدث عن التعذيب فى مصر!

بدون مبالغه ...اعجبت بها جدا و اتخذتها قدوه لى فهي فعلاً تستحق ان تكون مثل اعلى للأخرين.

انا حقا ادين بالكثير لها، فهي اول من ساعدنى فى طريقى الى الصحافه و اول من عرفني بالمجله التى فتحت لى ابوابها. قد لا نكون قد تعرفنا الى بعض بشكل كبير حيث اننى لم اقابلها الا مرة واحده فقط...لكنها وثقت فى و فى قدراتى وقدمت لى كل وسائل المساعده كانها تعرفني منذ الصغر..

هي حقا جميله...من اجمل الاشخاص التي قبلتها فى حياتي...و سعيده جدا انها كانت من الذين مروا بحياتي و تركوا فيها تأثيرا عميق.

انتظرت يوم حفلة التوقيع بفارغ الصبر...لاننى افتقدتها و فعلا كنت اتمني رؤيتها. مر اليوم سريعا و لكن الطريق كان طوييييييييييييل فا وجدت نفسي الاحق الجزء الاخير من حفلة التوقيع...و اخيرا وصلت و كنت فى اشد السعاده برؤيتها بالرغم من انها لم تكن اكثر من 10 دقائق....لكني كنت فى شده السعاده لرؤيتها.

الحقيقه كان يوم حافلاً! فكانت اول مرة ان اقابل صديق لى لم اراه من قبل...و اعتقد انها سوف تكون اخر مره فقد انتظرني حفظه الله لمدة ساعه و نصف تعرف فيها على كل معالم وسط البلد السياحيه!.

لم استطيع الانتظار حتى وصولى للمنزل و قراءة الكتاب...فا قررت قرأته فى رحله العوده الى المنزل و عندما فتحت اول صفحه ابتسمت على وجهى ابتسامه عريضه عندما قرأت الإهداء التى كتبته لى....

لم اكن اتخيل ان يكون الكتاب مثير لهذه الدرجه حيث اننى انتهيت منه فى نفس اليوم...

لم يكن كتاب عن السياسه المصريه او الصراخات النسائيه...

لكنه كان قصص قصيره للاطفال و الكبار...يأخذك الى عالم الطفوله الجميله البريئه...فى كل قصه ترى نفسك فيها و تأخذك الى الماضي. و فعلاً رأيت طفولتي فى كل قصه كتبتها و أخذنى خيالى الى العالم التى طالما احببت العوده اليه.

اكثر قصه اعجبتنى هى قصه الله...و هى القصه الاخيره. فا فى شكل طريف تتحدث عن فهم الاطفال لعمليه الخلق و سؤالهم السؤال المعتاد..."انا جيت ازاى" فذكرتني بنفسى و انا اسئل نفسى هذه السئله لكن لم يستطيع احد ان يرد بجواب مقنع حتي كبرت و فهمت معنى الحياة....

الى من يريد الهروب من عالم الكبار و الذهاب الى دنيا الاطفال ...كتاب "تستاهلى" هو بوابه لدخول عالم الماضي.

صديقتى الجميله نهى عاطف...انتي بالنسبه لى جزء من كل شئ جميل فهذه الحياة...انا اعرف ان كلامى هذا قد لا يعني شئ...و كنت فى بدايه كتابتى انوى التحدث الا عن الكتاب، لكن وجدت يدى تنطلق بدون تفكير فى كتابه هذه السطور المتواضعه..

حفظكي الله و اتمنى لكى كل التقدم لأنكى تستحقيه....

أحمد صلاح...اشكرك و اعتذر عن "اللطعه"

ملحوظه: سامحونى على الأخطاء الإملائيه :)

Random thought-6

i feel like i wanna be alone, it was a weird day actually. i woke up smiling on a very dear friend msg, although i don't feel i deserve what she said to me... i feel i hate my self to the extreme.
i wanna close my eyes and b somewhere else, i wanna sleep and never wake up.
i can't stand myself sometimes and can't even stand the world around me.
rit now i feel like crying and feel i miss some things from the past.
i need to go now, have loads of work to do but i'm glad that i had sometime to vent.

Random Rhymed thoughts1

sometimes i have few thoughts running through my head
so i write these words before i go to bed
the weird thing is....it sometimes rhymes...

It's been years since we were done
I'm sorry
But your pain is not easy to over come
I don’t know if I can ever forgive or forget
But it kills me whenever I regret
I don't know what I'm waiting for
sometimes I wish to love you once more
Years come and go
We have changed
And I realized that I'm becoming *you*
In everything you say In everything you do

Random thought-6

i don't know why i don't rit my diaries anymore, maybe coz i got my blog or maybe it's a matter of time or maybe it just coz i don't want to carry on from where i stopped. i think i'll try to open it one more time it a treasure of memories since i was in primary school.
i can still remember the 1st thing i ever wrote , and my 1st diary book...
i have so many plans to do for 2010....i'm looking forward to travel isA, i've decided i'll quit schools and take journalist as a career for living...i need to read more and rit even much more.i'm happy with were i'm starting , i'm meeting new ppl , making new connections and even writing in ARABIC i'm actually glad coz i did so.
i wish i can write many poems as i used too =(. i have no inspirtion lately and i need to astral project like i used too...
there is r so many things i want to do again like the old days, maybe it would bring my old soul back again..
it's not tht i hate my soul now, but i feel as if i got along with reailty world more than my fantasy world and it's redusing my creativty and transparancy.