sometimes i don't really get my self. like for now i feel i hate everything around me...almsot everything and everyone and i don't know the reason , i just hate when i feel hate
so angry and want to smash anything around
y can't i stop acting like this?
y don't i delete the damn blog and close my msn account!
i don't want to talk....
plz no on ask's malek!

i tried recording my voice today...God! i'm the worst vocal on earth =D...thank God i never sang infront of ANYONE . i never said tht i can sing but i like singing despite the fact tht my voice is terrible lol i still do sing to my self.

From the moment I entered the hospital I was pretty amazed , I never thought tht we would have something so great like tht in Egypt , seriously u'll feel as if ur somewhere out of Egypt. It's like a shining star in the middle of el syaeda zeinab and el madba7 , one of the 7 wonders in the world.
I can't even write it in words, u should go and c it ur self.
The place, the atmosphere , the ppl , the treatment , the order and organizing everything and I repeat EVERYTHING is so perfect .
I felt comfortable there…even while working I enjoyed working there, it was really grea8 to c all the kids happy being there.
I felt pity for the ppl at the institute they r suffering from many other things , not just the pain…
For the 1st time I felt tht I'm really achieving something , doing something useful for someone, the kids loved us there and keep waiting for us to come every day , even the ppl who work there loved us too they r happy coz we made the kids happy.
I just love tht place I love it and proud tht we have something like tht in Egypt , I love the kids I adore their little smile when I teach them something and they ran over to show it to their parents .
Rabena yeshfey kol mared ya rab.
isA I'll never stop going there even after colg.THANK U GOD I'M HAPPY

I'm not so good in expressing my feelings...so much to tell but can't get out of my cheast, i guess maybe when it's time i'll be strong enf to scream them out LOUD!!
but when it's time...am i really gonna say eveything i want? everything i feel?
sometimes when i'm listening to a romantic song...i fly with my thougths and imagination and keep thinking of the day i reveal my feelings...both the good and bad, like to cry and laugh at the same time
i turn back and look at myself, we don't get everything we wish for rit?...so which things i should gave up ???

i never asked my self tht...

why did i make a blog?

i feel as if i'm in a weird dream..i don't know wht's going on...i don't know wht am i doing.
as if it been yrs and yes actually it been yrs...lots of yrs.
many thing changed...whenever march comes...i recall my very old memories...coz it's the month were everthing started to take another way and my life became upside down.
march...the changing point...
sometimes i think for a while and ask myself a question.." is it really me? am i tht person who is now?" mostly the answer is NO.
i don't want to turn back the way i was and still i feel weird for the way i am now.
i want to stand still...i want to stop thinking of my past...i don't want it to affect my future or at least my present...especially tht i feel i'm so close to make my dreams come true.
whenever i'm closer whenever i feel more afraid...i don't want to be hunted.
i don't want to be left alone...i feel so weak and don't want to slip down again.
i hope tht march pass as fast as it can...or else can't we just skip it? can i remove it or delete it from the whole yr! can i go on as if it's april or something??
oh God! wht the hell am i saying!
i think i'm only......bored

I MET RA2ES EL GAM3A!!!!!!! =D....
yesterday i had an apointment with the president of cairo uni. Dr. Ali Abdel Rahman...the meeting was at 1:30 pm so i was there @ 1:20 pm...but we were finally with him @ 3pm =D....yeah he's a busy man...so THANK GOD THANK GOD tht we had the chance to meet him...i think it's a really great progress !!! yes!!! i'm SO proud of myself elhamdolelah... i feel as if i can feel the ground under my feet where i'm standing and where i'm going. for the very 1st time in my life i feel i'm doing something...just a very small step through the future..
elhamdolelah for everything...bgad THANK U GOD!

so... it's been a while...very big one...

here are some news...

elhamdolelah i got gayed gedan last term...and tab3an tab3an elhamdolelah bas it's the 1st time to get gayed gedan and don't feel so happy with it...i'm sure i did more than tht...more to get a better gayed gedan not emtyaz...only better gayed gedan..i'm not sure if anyone can really understand this..bas Qadr Allah masha2 fa3l...and i'm sure tht Rabena hy3wadny be2ezn elah in something or another... =)


this term i'm more like... banta7er =D yeah i'm doing all i can and little of all i cannot...

i feel pain all over, my back my head my shoulders!!!!...physicaly and mentally

i might not rank anything....but i feel so glad tht i'm leaving something...something tht would make sum ppl remember me with =)...
i've never been famous in mylife except when i entered colg...i'm actually so glad abt it coz i'm remembered with good things...very good actually...i'm kinda prud of myself bgad =)...

i feel important...yes i'm an important person =D.... when ever a prof or a teacher needs something...they call for me ! andi feel great helping even greater when wht i did comes out almost perfect!...

again i'm proud of myself and feel more confident =).

today...i was an organizer with 2 of my friends...at a colg party...where we made a presentation and a documentry movie abt luxor and aswan..

and woooooooow they all clapped and the dean thanked us!

weeeeeeeeeeeew =) =D....

suddenly i felt tht i love myself!

it's a fixed feelings, feeling happy , confused , curious , excited and a bit worried from the future but not afraid.
i feel as if life is just begining or maybe it's a new phase.
wooow yrs r passing so so fast
i don't know it's been a big while since i felt like writing =(

Since I’ve been hearing the word “MARRIAGE” a lot lately , I decided that getting me wont be so easy =) yes I’m a girl and I’m precious at least for my family and friends .
It’s weird how’s almost everyone is telling me abt getting married , soulmates having kids and so on…everyone wants me to get married =D everyone brings to me a 3arees every now and then as if I’m taking a large space of their house !!!
Give me a break ppl I’m still not ready and still can’t find my mr. anonymous. I still need to focus on my 2nd term =D, then on my career..yes.. I need to be as ready as possible and feel tht I’m a grown up shewaya , at least have the ability to have my own source of living…
Anyways , as I said I wont let getting me be so easy, Mr anonymous should meet some important people before meeting my parents and these ppl r…

- my sisters and their husbands
- my best friends shahinaz and ahmed
- my godmother mero and my young sis injy
- my band brothers * islam , seif , Mohamed and shazly*
- my two cousins heba and manar
- my best friend ehab

coz these ppl r a part of my family and their opinion means a lot to me and I’m sure if anyone tried to break my heart…. =D hwa el 5asran ba2a. *kidding*

Then finally he can meet my parents =D.

About weddings…umm I didn’t really plane for it but I guess I’d prefer an Islamic wedding so I can take off the veil tht day =D * neyety we7sha shewaya bas it’s my wedding ba2a!!*
If not..then it’s gonne be very very veeeeeeeeeeeeery simple wedding with a violen zafa not all the noise with the drums , horses and so *I hate the very loud noise and probably wont be able to stand for like 10 hours !!!! high heals KILLS ME*
As for the honeymoon ummm I’m thinking to go for a 3omra or something???...ya3ni I care abt the honeymoon more than the wedding, maybe we’d go somewhere like Hawaii or Thailand it still can be sharm el she5 or somewhere in Egypt , Alexandria is cool too…or we can stick in a hotel we 5alas =D…ya3ni I only want it to be perfect..
Umm wht else…. I guess it’s all…

Allah yekon fe 3ono ely hydabes feya ba2a =D

=) wish me luck

i'm sitting in the dark and don't ask me how am i writing this , my left shoulder hurts like hell and my back is on fire :s yeah i'm not feeling so well...
i need more confident in my self the worst thing is me is my low self esteem...
and here is wht i'm listening:

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with you
im looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with youoh

why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with youI'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with you
I'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new I dont know who you are but I...
I'm with you
I'm with you

it's gr8 how some ppl still makes me hold on...whenever i'm tht close to shoot myself i find someone to grap my hands and left me up...it's gr8 to feel tht there r ppl who care abt u...feeling care is AWESOME.
so...i'd like to thank who saved the day =)...i wish u'd be there for me 4ever

I don’t know why I suddenly feel upset =( I just went to my bed and slept like a baby…I feel I’m a pathetic person am i?
I’m too small in the world that I feel it’s not really where I belong.
Lost in the nowhere and no other place to go. Don’t I belong somewhere? I wish I can delete all these negativity thought but u guess they have to appear every now and then. One of those break downs.
Till when I’ll be running away as fast as I can?
Till when I’ll be hiding?
And till when I’ll be hunted by my fears?
I feel so all alone

I never wanted the days to pass fast like now, I can’t sleep…I can’t wait to go and lie in bed with my 1st yawning. And I can’t wait till the nxt day comes and so on…
Can’t stop thinking..
I’m afraid to be let myself be happy…sometimes good signs really freak me out. When everything begins to be almost perfect…
I hope that history wouldn’t repeat it self once more…I hope I don’t fall apart again.
Does sometimes it’s no the right time? Or is it just the perfect time for it?
Have a chance…risk…trust??
A part of me wants it but the part doesn’t feel comfortable yet. I’m torn btw both.
Auffffff I can’t study!!! I wanna focus
P.s; I can hear it raining now which is so gr8. Too bad I can’t get out coz no one’s home now. Lol weird I caught a cold though

Today as i was on my way to my friend as usual *where me and my other friends meet , and go together to colg*
anyways i was walking fast coz i was a bit l8 for them..then i found someone from behind calling me...

"anesa...anesa...", i turn back and answered.
"yes".
he said "momkin as2alek so2al".
i was puzzled for a while.."ok"
he asked" hwa 7adretk mortabeta".
i didn't realize the question 1st so i answered fast" no y".
then after a sec i was puzzled...then he answered bk "i just wanted to know".
my face turned into red not from shyness bas from being angry !!!
i then found myself running to my friend's house..i looked bk and he was behind :S...i went up as fast as i can....
i don't know...heya el nas etganenet?...wala i was so attractive that he wanted to propose!!!omG, how am i gonna be attractive while i'm going to an exam , having papers in my hand...holding my bag with another...wearing my baggy and blue jeans jacket...NO WAY I AM THT ATTRACTIVE.
c'mon!!! even if it was true....WHT THE HELL HE WAS THINKING !!!
i can't believe any one who can get married this way!!!

A psychic poem by a mad girl

Nuts…but do you know
I’m crazy about you
I’m nuts…I know
I even made my hair blue

Sniff…sniff my nose is cold
Sniff…sniff I can’t hold

You made me go crazy
You idiot! You lazy
You just couldn’t say a word
That would simply change my world

Have you seen what you’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

Sip…sip I’m drinking some tea
Sip…sip I’m too blind…I can’t see

I thought you liked me
I saw it through the eye
But you never said it
Can’t believe it was a lie

Have you seen what you’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?

Click…click what’s that I press?
Click...Click...What’s all that stress?

Why the hell don’t you leave me alone?
Why the hell your heart is like a stone?

I’m out of my mind….
Do you know why?
Because I drew fake wings
And wanted to fly

But you let me fall down that I broke my hand
That’s when people said that I gone mad

Have you seen what’ve done to me?
Now I’m nuts…are you happy?


By: Sunshine

i'm suppose to be studying for my exams, instead i found myself riting poems to complete my 1st poetry book...still one place left for a final one...

anyways this poem is part 2 of a poem i wrote with the name "how can i forget" tht i wrote 3 yrs ago...i rot this poem for the same person..well...i'll leave u with the poem now

A recovery stage

I thought I’d never let you go
But life made me do

As you forgot me long ago
I only begun stop thinking of you

It’s too hard to let go of the past
Too hard to admit it won’t last

What’s harder…
Knowing that you were too weak
Too weak to fight for what you seek

Didn’t I worth it?
Or was it too hard?
But it seemed easy to leave me with a broken heart

No more tears to cry
No more
Because my eyes got dry

Time seemed to stop since we were apart
Don’t I deserve like you a new start?

I’m tired of feeling how pain tasted
Regret about the time I wasted

It’s already been too long
It took me years to know I was wrong

As for the wound you marked
It will still be there
Only buried inside my heart

I’m not the first and won’t be last
Who will be recovered from her past



Sunshine

Life is like a teacher u never stop learning from it, i've been looking at my life l8ly and i kinda lol abt it...loads of things happend and many are coming up.

why am i riting this? don't ask

today the sky was so blue...it was the best blue colour i've even seen in my life...so blue like sea, i couldn't stop staring at the cloudes either...

6 october is really a gr8 place for meditation...every single day. it makes me feel i wanna hug the space..

few hours l8er...it was raining...i stood in the rain, never felt the cold, i felt i was washing my self..from the past maybe or might be from the present.

Spiritualty...

i've always loved this word...

also Meditation

Sentimental

sensation

Bittersweet

Chaos *i don't know why*

I am Human...i noticed tht recently...i breathe...i feel..wait a sec. wht did i say..i feel?..FEEL, wht does feel mean? feeling?

how do we feel? does everyone FEEL?

does everyone feel pain , love , care or even hate? like when u hit someone..kiss someone or even hug...isn't tht sweet?...wht does sweet means? how does it taste in our minds or hearts...

wht am i saying?

Dear All:

i'm sry i've been away for along time , but i'm so busy n'exhausted =( colg is taking all of my time , i can hardly sleep or eat...still didn't start studying for the final exams...which is going to be on 30th dec. and i'll be done on 15th jan isA.

so happy Eid everyone and happy new yr in advance =)..i've missed my blog and everyone around..sry tht i'm not here but i promise tht i'll be there soon isA and check wht i missed.

I wish i was a butterfly:

rabena ye3enk sweetie and really no need to apologize el mohem tht u feel better soon isA...we isA we'll have a chance to talk soon...rabena ma3aki ana bad3elk bgad =).

i miss everything even myself...all i need is ur prayers for now plz

thnx everyone

When I say that I feel I’m going to die young, I really mean and feel so =( . I’m not saying this to make you feel upset, but I have this feeling strongly in me and really I don’t know why I keep feeling so.
Sometimes I really feel I’m dying… yesterday was one of those sometimes…
I felt I was dying..i couldn’t take my breathe and my heart was beating very fast…I kept saying el shehada and some do3aa…I couldn’t sleep, I was so afraid…I was I kept seeing myself dead…I saw a paper with my name on it…”توفيت الى رحمة الله الطالبه “شمس أحمد this paper was hanging in my colg.
I wondered how my friends will know abt it…esp those who been a while since we talked…I thought abt my best friend…when can she know…after few weeks? Month? It wont be more than tht…
I’m still so afraid…afraid to sleep but never wake up. I wanted to wake my mum up and ask her to sleep beside me…but I couldn’t…and I was really going to wake up and tell my parents that I’m going to die..because I really felt I was going to.
All of this time I was sitting on bed trying to sleep…I succeeded in sleeping…but after less than an hour I woke up again and got the same feeling…
My heart was beating so fast that I felt it’s time..it’s going to stop a minute or another.
I was upset because I didn’t want to die this way…and I was thinking about everything I wanted to do in life.
After a long straggle I finally fell asleep…and woke up to colg.
I couldn’t stop thinking abt death..and wasn’t really sure…what am I supposed to do?
I asked my friend…
“do we feel that we are going to die before dying?”
“yes”
“ do u know someone who felt so wala eh?”
“yes…me”
“c’mon maybe it’s only stress we r all loaded this year”
“I don’t know…but I really feel it so much”
“ok…stop it now plz coz I don’t know how to react in such situations..cheer up keda we ed3ey”
“I do, I just feel weird”.

She changed the subject…

I still get tht feeling at night…sometimes at day… and I found a friend of mine giving me a book to read…

Sub7an Allah…it was abt death maybe it was just a coincidence…

I’m sorry…this might be a very disappointing post.. is might be my last post..? I don’t know…

I can feel tht there is a msg for me…or it can be only colg stress…who knows…

I need your prayers