Random feelings

i'm sick , i'm tired..little bit sad , confused. i feel like crying, i don't wanna get weak, plz God don't let me b weak. what's the wrorst tht could happened huh?! i'm hurt already so wht's the point.
i'm still breathing, and still alive...taking part in putting a smile on every face i meet..yet can't even draw a fake one on mine.
my throat is killing me now really, i need to cry. plz don't ask me y

Random thoughts

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i'm sitting beside the window, as it started to rain. i just couldn't stop thinking of tht day..tht day when you took me on ur silver unicorn. we flow away in the sky, and looked at the tiny earth with our eyes.

we simply left everything behind and went through our inner selves, another world.


we spoke as if we knew eachother since our life started.my scraf began to move genetly along with the wind.
actually my life really started tht day =)
i lost all the sense of time , all the sense of distance...i didn't think of anything except ur words...and my unspoken words.
my numb feelings started to grove,my heart beats as if a mountain moved.
i saw myself through ur eyes...and nothing else i need from this world =)

i wondered...r u feeling the same?
well, it's ok i don't really care, i'm satsified coz i'm sure of wht i feel

now, the moment is over u put me safly back on earth, and ever since tht day....i just sit there beside the window as it started to rain... nothing i can do except

Wishing so hard..dreaming so hard...praying so hard.....and having faith from the deep of my heart

question?!

I wonder who reads my blog?!

Random thoughts

some times we spend the best time in our lives, but we don't realize it untill it ends. it can eve be few moments but it means alot, in fact you can spend all the rest of your life remembering it and smiling , wondering could i ever get those days back?
maybe yes...or maybe it's better to wait for better days.
i still like how i feel these days...things r kinda going on smoothly, yes... it's better not to rush in.
i'm praying very hard
i'm praying for you my lord and u know wht i want.
the reason y i'm praying so hard for this, is tht i believe so much in wht i'm feeling rit now, i trust my choice and i think i'm ready. i trust my God and i trust my heart tht's y i'm sure tht God will answer my prayers...and i'm leaving out all the rest.

Random thoughts

i just noticed tht i used to call my post, random thought-1 , random tought-2...but i don't count them any more. it seems tht they all became the same , maybe my whole life became the same.

it's depressing when it's hard to express ur feelings, words ran't coming out easily as they used to.

i was checking some pix and found this one on my way, and it's so true a simple word can heal or tear...

i wish i hear the words i wanna hear. i wish i can say many things, yet i dont know how it's gonna be if i let those words out..

oh how i wish life would b much easier than tht.

Random thoughts

There r times were i feel too weak, too helpless tht i can't do anything and i simply feel tht i'm falling apart and the best solution is to shut my eyes and never wakeup.
i feel very tired, many things to do in very short time. many ppl tht i have to listen to...when no one feels my inner silent screaming.
i wish we had restart button like the computer, i'll get to restart all over agin without thinking of the old days...
when i look bk at my life i c tht i was totally different, it's not abt being better or being worse...
but some wounds remain in ur heart forever...reminds u of how much it hurted when ever u try to smile and b happy.
am i still broken?
is my heart still bleeding?
sometimes i stand on feet and let my head up high.i lay bk on the ground and stare on the sky...i look at the shining stars and i name each star with a dream of mine...but then they disappear, they simply start to vanish in the sky.
and tht's were i slowly start to crumble,i start to break down and fall apart..and think million times... was it my fault?
i don't regret anything tht i did in mylife, but i regret for not doing things tht i think i should have done...things i should've said.
sometimes i have to pretend tht i laugh...i even laugh hysterically tht my friends say..." r u crazy".
i don't understand
i don't understand anything....

Random thoughts

ok so is there something wrong? with me ? maybe? i don't know.i feel kinda happy...kinda like butterflies, or even better...i feel like dipping sushi in soya sauce.
i love the way i feel now, althought i don't get it but it makes me listen to every single romantic song i used to listen to. makes me wanna dance and dream.
actually it gives me hope..it's gives me oxygen.
let's wait and c...wht's still hidding =)

Random thoughts

i looked to my self in the mirror and stared alittle bit, am i weird person? am i freak? y am i stubborn? y do i hate to break the rules...
i hate to feel tht there r any gates or fence around me, maybe tht's y i lock myself into my fantasy world.
i admit i'm an awkward combination...too many things tht it's hard to be in a noraml human being...umm things like...

i love wrestling
i love pink colour
i love metal,rock, pop,rap and instrumental songs
i play bass guitar
i played violin
i love dalida and fayroz and mahmoud el essily
sometimes i listen to abu el lef and even tamora! *but i don't love them ya3ni*
i love horror movies althought i get scared sometimes...i love to scare myself
i LOVE dogs...sometimes even more than some ppl
i LOVE writing
i LOVE teaching
i LOVE cilantro
i LOVE riding bikes
i LOVE my powerpuff girls dolls
i LOVE watching cartoon
i LOVE chinese food and dresses
i LOVE reading
i hate to tidy up things...my room is a simi-organized chaoes
i love to add my touch in everything i have
i'm sentimental yet ma3ndesh dam
i love spirtual things
i don't shake hands with guys...and i'm very happy tht i don't
i love doing manythings even if i don't have the time for them
i love laying on bed,,stare at the celling and starts..thinking
i love long rides with my headphones on
i believe i'm a good driver..i don't drive like women
i love nature....esp the sea with sunset
i believe i'm a princess
i love singing yet my voice is TERRIBLE...

tht's all i can remember abt myself...now tell me who can even bear living with a person like tht! lol no one?

Random thoughts

Today went in a very good day more than i've expected.
i entered 2 classes by myself for the 1st time in grade 8 and grade 9...
i kids r ADORABLE they r full of life, full of love.... they just need to have more faith...more hope and more dreams...
i loved being with them today...i felt tht they needed to vent, they need to know many thing about life more than study this and that.
Grade 8 were toooooo sweet, i can't believe tht 2 hours passed so quickly i didn't want to leave.
i asked them to rit me a feedback, and i found cutest feed back ever!
tht made me more excited and motivated...i knew tht this is where i belong.
i'm so overwhelmed tht they accepted me and loved me...
they really lifted my spirit up high.
as for grade 9 , i can deny tht i was soo worried b4 going to them, and actually the 1st hours was a total mess! i was about to collapse.
i think some of them hate me alot rit now, but by the 2nd hour things got little better, and by the end of the lesson we were all laughing from our hearts..
i loved being with them as well although it's too hard to deal with them.. they don't give any kind of expression tht u never understand their needs.
so far i feel tht i'm doing good elhamdolelah...

Thanks to u my beloved LORD i wouldn't have done anything without u.

Random thoughts

God is great! reallly!!! i trust him i have soooooo much faith i know he's doing the ebst thing for me....Thank God for everything....
i was tht close to lose my mind...when all of a sudden my great lord saved me !
it was more like magic!
thank u for being my LORD...thank u God for everything...i know there r still good news coming isA
i believe
i have faith...

Random thoughts

Choices can be very hard.i've been in so much confusion. i wish the signs can be more clear than tht coz REALLY i don't get it :(.
as my friend told me yesterday i should "go with the flow" i know i'm old enf to take the right decision isA. And i know tht God wont leave me hanging and will do the best for me isA...
God, please don't leave me, please give me some guide to the right way....

Random thoughts

Yesterday and today r very weird...
a best friend of mine is getting engaged...another one is getting divorced
i spoke to a new friend and i was so happy to talk to....then i had a small fight with another friend and he made me sooooo angry...
and today... i felt so embarresed! i got a groom from work :S omG i wished i would disappear, it all started when one of my friend teachers came and told me tht she want to speak with me, and i found her asking me on our way "r u engaged?, r u in a relationship?". and i was like " :S no?!".
then it all came out..i found one of the parents *who i met b4 coincidentally out b4*
and she simply told me: " miss shams...do u remember tht day when we met at hyper one? i had my brother with me and he really liked u alot, do u mind if i took ur mum's number".
i had tht look on my face tht says:"HUH!?". :D and i kept saying things like" mesh 3arfa" and " let me tell her 1st" and things like tht but she insists on taking the number so i gave her my sister's number...i was really to shy to her " no, thanks i'm not so interested".
plus i don't even remember seeing a guy with her tht day! how come he saw me and liked me all of a sudden!
ummm it seems tht alot of things will happened soon (rabena yostor) :S

Random thoughts

How good can "chances" be?, i think best things come by chance, but do they vanish so quickly after living u in the most amazing feeling ever?.
i still can't sleep and wht surprise me is tht i go to work looking so active.
it's weird how things happeneds all of a sudden.
i wish i can sleep today..i wish i can stop thinking...
will i ever live to b a mother?? and i wonder how i'll b like? am i going to be strict? am i going to b too open minded? or just something in between..
how's my prince charming will look like? is he going to be a REAL man? someone i can depend on, someone who can embrace me? is he going to share mylife and my crazines, to b my other half, to be my soul mate. to make me feel i'm a princess and a little spoild gurl when needed..
r we gonna travel the world together? do activities together?, i'd let him enter my special world and i'd be into his.
i know life wont b too pinky....but i hope we can get over everything on our way...no matter how bad things went...we still have respect, dignity and loyalty for eachother.

dear my mr annoymous...i know tht u r there and i'm not sad tht ur not here yet. i just miss u alot and would love to tell u tht. take ur time u don't have to rush in, coz when ever ur ready i will b ready too, just dont hesitate knocking my door :)
God bless u

Random thoughts

things r getting well so far Thank God =) i LOVE being with the IGCSE esp grade 7 and 8...grade 9 kids r a bit....naughty brings me bk to my highschool days.
as i was correcting some essay today i found one which was so unique and funny =D i couldn't stop laughing when i was correcting it!.
it was by an american student his name is Jibrel , they were suppose to write an essay about their 1st day at school and this is wht he wrote:

"today i woke up at 6am to find my little brother putting on his clothes by my sister...i went to school and we had math the teacher told us abt school and stuff
*then we had physics and the teacher went bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla so i slept
*then we had break and i slept
*and came back and had english
*and the teacher told us to write a essay
*and this is wht i wrote
*"today i woke up at 6 am to..."

seems i'm going to have one gr8 year isA =D

Can't sleep? humph

I wish i could know wht's wrong :(...i hardly sleep at night...i think i had an astral projection for 2 straight days....i wish i can know wht's really happening !
1st i fall deeply asleep then i feel tingles in all over my body and i feel paralised tht i can't move...can't open my eyes...can't say a word.
and if i succeeded in opening up my eyes i go bk to the same thing all over again..
when it happeneds i feel my whole body is too heavy and my heart beats start to b too fast ,i start to see transparent objects. i'm not sure wht r they..is it my body?
i just get really afraid...and feel as if i'm dying.
i wish someone can tell me wht is tht exactly :(.
this feeling is like bittersweet...it's too scary but i kinda don't want it to end

Random thoughts

it's too easy to fake others and pretend tht ur ok when ur not.simply coz u r dead sure tht the other person doesnt care ,no matter how many times he kept saying "how r u?" " r u ok?"...
even if u "talked abt it" no one will really undertsand.
i feel my ending is getting closer , doesn't mean tht i'm dying in real life. i mean tht i'm dying in some ppl's hearts...it's considered as an ending to me coz i'm sure they will never be the same again.
am i ever gonna end up by myself? wondering, where is everyone? what went wrong? and why does everything end up so fast? was it my fault or i was too stupid?
i'm lying on bed coz of sickness...i got very few calls from ppl who were suprised tht i was really sick!.
it's weird tht ppl try to make u more happy when u r already happy, but they never try to make u even smile when u r deeply hurt from inside.
ramadan is almost over, i wish i can get the best out of it in these very few days.

Dear God,
plz forgive me for everything i did in my life...u r the only one i can trust...u r the only one who is there for me all the time even when i went wrong, when all the ppl judged me for being who am i.... u r the only one who accept me they way i am and love me and giving me everything i ask for.
Thank you

Random thoughts

today is considered the 1st night in ramadan..it really didn't go as i wished, seems tht it's time to fall apart for a while.
i feel lifeless....pathetic... looking forward to a better tomorrow...looking forward to a better ramadan...and looking forward to c my eldest sister very soon :) isA

Reality bites

today and yesterday wasn't so good for me, i really feel so bad... i'm on the edge of losing a gr8 friend of mine simply coz i'm telling her the truth..
it might be hard to listen to wht u don't want to believe. but i guess it much better than building fake hopes and living a big lie.
anyways, i think i'll go for wht's right...i'm not that kinda person who compliment others just to make them feel better...
maybe one day she'll understand...or maybe she'll remain hating me forever..

Hijabi Bassist Rocks Cairo

Before getting up on stage, Shams Ahmed makes sure her hijab and pin are properly in place and checks the guitar straps so they don’t get stuck in her hijab.

Ahmed, 23, English teacher, freelance journalist and bass guitarist is part of a band called MetalloidZ. She formed the band with her friends in Cairo, Egypt.

“We started three years ago,” she said. “We were making the band for fun then we started to [make] it be more professional.”

MetalloidZ has performed at several shows and concerts. The songs are all in English. The band members, with Shams Ahmed playing the bass guitar, also include: Mohammed Anwar, rhythm guitar; Mohammed Shazli, lead guitar; Islam Taha, drummer; Seif Al-Islam, vocalist and Radwa Anwar, keyboardist.

“Most of the songs are life songs. We try to make the songs to have a certain point not just some lyrics,” she said.

Their most recent song is titled “One,” which talks about the thoughts that run through one’s head when praying to God. They composed a total of seven songs and hope to sell an album in the future. Some of their songs are on YouTube.

Ahmed learned to play the guitar when the group started forming the band. She played the violin a long time ago and was inspired to play the bass guitar when her friends told her about the band.

“I never thought I would play bass guitar because it’s not girly at all,” she said.

Wearing hijab (or headscarf) and playing the guitar is an anomaly to many. The keyboardist, Radwa Anwar, also wears hijab, but joined the band recently.

“People ask me, how come you’re veiled and you’re memorizing Qur'an, but at the same time you’re [in a band]. It’s not related,” Ahmed said.

Although her family is supportive for the most part, some a few of her friends criticize her.

“Maybe if God knows what I’m doing is wrong, [then] maybe he would prevent me from doing it or give me any kind of signs,” she said. But I think it’s okay especially because we don’t just write songs, we want to make something with a purpose; not just singing and that’s it. We are all respectable to each other.”

Others think that her being a hijab-wearing guitarist is inspiring.

“The audience finds it pretty much interesting. Even when I talked to the students I teach they were so impressed that I play guitar and wear [hijab] at the same time. They’re like “oh wow you play guitar and wear a veil at the same time.” I gave them a positive way to think about hijab. You don’t have to be narrow-minded and do just little things while wearing hijab.”

Ahmed believes her band is special because she dons hijab. Her friends from London and the U.S. also support her.

“They like the idea that I don’t have to change my life: I don’t have to wear tight clothes and put make up and go crazy with my head to play music. [It’s] very nice to know you’re doing something different than others. Other bands in Egypt have girls-- it’s not special, just like any other band. But we’re special.”

An issue she thinks about is how males might perceive her, since it’s not culturally acceptable for a female, let alone a female wearing hijab, to be in a band. She said that when she gets engaged in the future she will have to think of a way to convince her fiancé to let her continue playing with MetalloidZ.

“I’ll try to convince him by playing him a song,” she said.

this article was written about me by a dear friend of mine aya khalil ^^, thnx aya for making me famous!
here is the link of the article
http://www.illumemag.com/zine/articleDetail.php?Hijabi-Bassist-Rocks-Cairo-13198

Inspired by "lovely bones"

I had a dream
I was drowning in a stream

I woke up with no pain

My body was in vain

But I can easily move around
Searching through the crowd
Waving my hands up high
Trying to make any sign
screaming out loud
But my voice vanished in the crowd
seeing people like flying ghosts
Walking through a fig, I'm totally lost
seeking any place to go
Where am i? and why am I here ?
I don't know
I'm still moving with the flow
Searching for some land
For someone to reach my hand
For some where safe and warm
Some place that I can call…."home"
I can see it far away,
Where I stand at the edge of earth
Crossing the horizon
Till the other side of universe
Getting closer, getting near
Seems I'm almost here
In the perfect world
I finally reached heaven
I'm finally… home





:) i just wrote that today but it's still nameless i was inspired by the movie "lovely bones" it was one gr8 movie that i'll always remember