JUST!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE !!!!!!!!!

i've already felt numb long time ago...i don't want to end up feelingless

love can be killed by love... sometimes too much love can choke love that you can't even feel it or end it up..

why there is a dark side of everything...

happ/iness....lo/ve...frien/dship

is it or is it not the dark side that is larger?
this is not the point anyway...my point is tht there IS and there SHOULD be a dark side, coz without it we can't feel the good one, we wouldn't feel happiness without feeling sadness.
it also explian the theory of GOOD and EVIL, i think life without evil would b boring that you wont be able to feel the good...
i know and babling and non will get wht i wanna say...but tht is coz it's wasn't a good day so far

i apologize if i sometimes seem harsh...but i hate it being so...it's sometime i reach the extreme...sorry that i'm human

wooow i finaly got paid for the 1st time ^^...i took my 1st salary yesterday, and felt so gr88888888888
i couldn't stop thinking of how am i gonna spend the money!!!

yaaaaay me!

i don't wanna sleep coz these bad thoughts starts to appear and when i wake up i keep thinking about them.
i wish i can change them, i wish i can stop thinking about them..
i hate the fact tht i'm tht weak
i hate the fact tht i kinda lost my passion
my inspiration...
i hate the fact tht i'm almost stop writing..even my nonsense stuff

1st day at work..it's wasn't so hard...i have my own desk / laptop and even mobile..but this thing is there is nothing i feel REAL...i'm not the kind who'd site on desk..i love to move and interact with others...i'm happy coz i'm learning something new...but i know i wont last tht long too.
anyways today was...elhamdolelah...sha3'al tht's all i can say for now...

now wht's wrong with me??? i wish i could know..i kinda feel i'm out of mind, i don't even rit like before... i guess i really want to be with myself for a while. i hate the fact tht sometimes i feel tht weak..tht weak tht i can't do wht i love...
i hate tht

i feel stapped...i heard the most shocking thing in my life it hit me hard with a knife.i couldn't sleep since...
i can't stop thinking
and still dont know wht to do
i can't stop crying whenever i feel how paralised am i
i never felt so weak
never thought it would come to u....my best friend

I'm so sad tht i missed a day....my school best friend's wedding...=(
it was really out of my hands and till now i'm still upset, i wish i was there catching such moment. anyways i hope she'd forgive me..
i wish u all the happiness in the world =) from my heart
and from my heart i'm saying tht i love u so much
...........................................................................................................................................................................

Flashbacks

i know it didn't ended so well btw us...but days and years made me realize tht it would take me more than tht to try to stop loving someone
we were kids..teenagers probably...we fought...we screamed..we laughted and cried.
we had bad and good days togther...both can't be forgotten
many times i open my little box and start reading our notes...everything we wrote for eachothers
school notes...
drawings....
secrets.....
cards.....

i know we r n't like b4 and no it's not coz of our silly fights,but life seems to be harder than it seems
we all change every now and then...but the best thing is that we share memories together...
and thts were i remember...

when we prayed the eid and friday togther

how happy were u when u 1st saw me with the veil

naming our crushes by mortalcomabt charachters

hanging out and riding *7antor at zamalek*

buying sweet vally high and exchanging them togther

listening to wht's now 98...eating pizza and chatting, all the 3 of us

fighing over who is going to site nxt to whom at the class

going to dream park

valentine....christmas

private lessons

crying on eachothers shoulders

Arkedia mall

LOL after big fights...*exchanging socks*

birthday gifts....*my 1st powerpuff girl*


there r alot to remember actually...alot tht make me smile and make me forget why we even cried...i dont really care much abt the past
roastry and cafeology *surprising party*
........................................................................................................................................................................
GOD! i hoped i'd join u in ur moment
and again from my heart i'm saying...i love u my friend =)

wish u can read this

How far can the word "SORRY" heal a pain???
so many questions i wanna ask...

where the hell r u??!!!!! don't u know how much u r really missed????everybody around is searching out for u, u vanished all of a sudden ! can u tell me tht ur fine plz?? send me anything...any sign...
i pray the day i can c u in...c u happy..i need to give u some stuff...and maybe then u can vanish the way u want
i hope u could feel how much u REALLY mean to me
waiting to c u

Been away for sometimes....was ill..then my grandpa passed away...it was all a matter of time.In a second i was talking to him, the other one he was gone...it's hard to c someone dead infornt of ur eyes especially when they r close to u....
i cried..
then my eyes got dry...
then i cried again...
then my eyes got dry...
then i cried...
then my eyes got dry at least...and i thought they would b dry forever...
honestly after my grandma passing away....i couldn't feel much pain like after her death...maybe coz her death was the most effective thing tht changed our life balance...and ever since it...it made a huge change..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when it comes to people, it was pretty surprising coz not everyone as i expected was really there, esp. those who i wished to be there...
there is no reason to feel sad abt it anymore, we can't beg for feelings and mostly people appeares in hard times...if not with sympathy...with appreciating and respecting the way u feel.

i just feel sick from some ppl...

better not to start talking abt it...I'M SO DAMN SENSTIVE!

Just like every other day i wake up only not in a my best moods and i don't know why so, maybe coz i'm sick and my throat is really killing me or maybe coz i feel bit like a loser.
i want to cry so hard but my tears rn't coming out so sat down a little and turned some songs on...some islamic songs actually and as i heard tht song i couldn't hold my tears any more and i found myself crying as if i smelled a huge onion and as the songs repeats i found myself crying and crying again a non-stop crying with no reason...but eventually it made me better, the song is really awesome...by " meshary al 3arada"

مشاري العرادة
غربتي

بك يا زمان اللهو أشكو غربتي
إن كانت الشكوى تداوي مهجتي
قلبي تساوره الهموم توجها
ويزيد همي إن خلوت بظلمتي
يا قلب إني قد أتيتك ناصحاً
فأربأ بنفسك أن تقودك محنتي
أن الغريب سقته أيام الأسى
كأس المرارة في سنين الظلمة
واغربتي
**********
قد كان نومي هانئا فوق الثرى
من غير شكوى أو عزول شامت
من غير هم بالزمان وكربه
من غير إسهاد يشتت راحتي
اهاهاهاه
************

أنا في ابتساماتي عرفت ولم أزل
حتى أتاني ما ينغص بسمتي
إن أسعفتني دمعتي في فرحتي
أنزلتها طرباً لأرسم بهجتي
أو اسعفتني في البكاء مرارة
تتسابق العبرات تهجر مقلتي
واليوم أفرغ دمع عيني بالبكاء
ندماً على ما كان مني ويلتي
جفت دموعي من فواجع ما أراه
لكن صبري في الشدائد قوتي
واليوم أفرغ دمع عيني بالبكاء
ندماً على ما كان مني ويلتي
جفت دموعي من فواجع ما أراه
لكن صبري في الشدائد قوتي
اهاهاهاه

I'm happy yet crying and i don't have an idea why am i....maybe i feel a bit disappointed about my self...or maybe coz i wished for more..there is still a chance so may God helpme isA...=) elhamdolelah..Qadr Allah wa masha2 fa3al...

i am happy =)

10....9...8...7...

nothing is better than a night meditation, clearing my stressed mind and loaded brain...i hope it work this time and i wont fall asleep.

now start counting slowly

10...9....8....

lots of thoughts start to run through my mind...like running pages of a photo album. now some memories cross along and run with the thoughts.

what happened today, what happened yesterday and what will happened tomorrow.

no! i want to clear my mind...

7..6...5.....

still thinking, wht if...tht or this and still more photos , my life is really upside down. i want to relax! and stop thinking...let's continue...

4..3.....

some old childhood memories all flashed in black and white..am i tht old ? things i've done and things i've shouldn't have done.. nnnooo just stop!

STOP!!!!!

3....2...2...2.........

sl..ee...................p

"All That I Need"

"I was lost and alone

Trying to grow,

making my way down that long winding road

Had no reason, no rhyme

Like a song out of time

And there you were, standing in front of my eyes

How could I be such a fool

To let go of love and break all the rules"

"I was searching in vain

Playing a game

Had no-one else but myself left to blame

You came into my world

No diamonds or pearls

Could ever replace what you gave to me

Just like a castle of sand

I almost let love slip right out of my hands

And just like a flower needs rain

I will stand by your side

through the joy and the pain"

At the age of 8...i started writing my diaries

At the age of 9.... i got my 1st dog "Spicy"

At the age of 10.... dad bought us a computer

At the age of 11....i wrote my 1st poem

At the age of 11.... i got my Violen

At the age of 12....i had my 1st crush

At the age of 13.... i wore my veil

At the age of 14.... i stoped shaking hands

At the age of 15.... i had my 1st true best friend

At the age of 15....i changed my clothes style

At the age of 16....i decided to change

At the age of 16....i learnt driving

At the age of 17....i entered colg

At the age of 17.... teenstuff published my poem for nirvana

At the age of 17.... i experienced love

At the age of 18.... i joined teenstuff boards

At the age of 19... i joined Istihbal as a bassist

At the age of 19....i moved to 6 october

At the age of 19...i had my 1st performance on stage as a bassist

At the age of 20...i'm graduated from colg

At the age of 21....i got my 1st amazing bass

some ppl can hate me for saying so...but actually i'm not so excited abt turning 21...maybe coz i don't feel any actual progress in my life so far.....i don't know sometimes i feel i hate myself and wish i was never born maybe coz i can't feel i'm good enf to worth living, i know i shouldn't be saying tht...coz every creature is worth living...but i just feel so helpless and weak..afraid of can't reach wht i'm living for...i know my nafs (spirit) is nafs lawama, so i keep worrying abt every step i take...it kills me sometimes...
i guess i'm only worried abt the natiga...forget my babling...i should try and enjoy the day and look forward to wht's coming up in my life...and wish from my heart tht it wont pass like the others...useless

اللهم لا تكلنى الى نفسى طرفة عين و لا اقل من ذلك فان وكلتنى الى وكلتنى الى عيب و نقص و ان وكلتنى اليك وكلتنى الى ركنن شديد و انت يا ربى ركنى الشديد

Deeper shades of me

Feeling lost within me
Searching out for a place to be
Need some air need to breathe?
Need to exhale before I get seethed

I keep searching but I still can't find
Any place where I can run to or hide
It's not so clear I still can't see
I need to dig for deeper shades of me

Out in a big world
Nobody's hand to hold
Looking down in the sea
For deeper shades of me

Cross the mountain height
Hitting the sky in a sight
In every palm or tree
Digging for the deeper shades of me

Searched in every place
Looked in every face
Can't find my wandering soul
Can't search any more

Gone along in every far
Sparkling like a shooting star
Here it is where I lay
Between earth and sky

Hoping that I'd ever see
The deeper shades of me

SunShine

" i'm so glad tht i'm bk with a poem =)"

Now a feel a bit frustrated

i wish i can go away

i feel angry..why can't ppl be so clear!....it's either black or white no GRAY!
they can't feel how confused and disapointed they make me ! and i hate tht!!! i'm not sure i can handle this for long so a close explosion is gonna happened really soon!

Now i'm free
graduated
no more studying
no more stress at least for a while
now i can think abt myself shewaya
think abt my life
and future...
where should i start from?
i'm happy so far elhamdolelah...
had some bad times...but standing still
can;t wait to know the results....i hate tht waiting...
isA 5eeer
"tfa2alo bel 5ayr tajedoh"..as i always say...