Sunday, September 06, 2009

مطلوب سكرتيرة



هل ممكن ان تتزوج من سكرتيرة؟...
سألت بعض من الشباب هذا السؤال و أجاب الكثير منهم بالرفض...
فدائماً صورت لنا المسلسلات و الافلام دور السكيرتاريه على انها فتاة عازبه لها مواصفات خاصه مثل الدلع فى الكلام و الشياكة فى اللبس و المياصه فى المعاملة مع العملاء ،قد يتزوجها مديرها (عرفى) او تكون هناك بينهم علاقه بدون زواج على الاطلاق. فى مقابل طمعها فى امواله او رغبة منها فى حياة اكثر رفاهية او لانها (على نيتها).
لذلك نجد فى إعلانات الجرائد و المجلات الإعلان كالتى:
"مطلوب سكرتيرة (حسناء المظهر) ، تجيد التعامل مع الاخرين ، خبره او بدون". لكن عمل السكرتيرة لا يقتصر فقط على ارسال الفاكسات و استقبال المكالمات او عمل الشاى و القهوة للمدير، غلبنى الفضول فى التعرف على هذه المهنه اكثر و هل هى حقاً كما ترويها لنا القصص؟؟.


"بعد التخرج اتقدمت لوظيفة سكرتارية فى شركة مواد تجميلية لانها الوحيده الى مكنتش محتاجه خبرة و مرتبها كان 2000 جنية، و اكيد مافيش حد لسه متخرج هياخد مبلغ زى ده. اتقبلت بسرعه لتمكنى من اللغه الانجليزية و استخدام الكومبيوتر. الشركة كانت غريبة اوى لان ماكنش فيها عاملين كتير غيرى انا و بنت تانيه جت قبلى من فترة و المدير الى هو صاحب الشركه و مراته كانت بتساعدنا فى حاجات و حوالى 4 اشخاص تانين كنا بنتعامل معاهم عن طريق التليفون.
المعامله هناك كانت حلوه جدا خاصة من المدير و مراته الى اتصحبت عليا جداً و كانت مثل اختى الكبيره مع العلم انها كانت فى منتصف الثلاثينات و جميلة جدا!*. اما المدير فماشفتش منه اى حاجه وحشة و برده كان بيعملنى كويس جداً و معجب بذكائى و طموحى الى نفسى احققه فا كنت بعتبره زى والدى *هو اصلا عنده خمسين سنه و مخلف ولد و بنت فى الجامعه من مراته الاولي
بالرغم من ان زميلتى الى معايا دى كانت سكرتيرة زى، لكن هى الى كانت مسؤله عن تقديم الشاى و الحاجات دى، و كانت برده هى المسؤله عن تنضيف المكتب و خاصة مكتب المدير. ساعات كتير اوى كان المدير بيطلع متنرفز و يعد يزعق على الفاضى و لما حد كان بيغلط من العمال او السواقين،ممكن كان يشتمه شتايم مش محترمة او يضربة!. بس الحمدلله بالرغم من انه كان ساعات بيزعق لزملتى بس انا عمره ما عملى حاجه وحشه.
عادتاً كل يوم بكون انا و زملتى الى معايا فى المكتب لوحدنا، ساعات المدير بيجى و ساعات لا، و ساعات كانت زملتى بتكون بتعمل شغل بره فا بكون انا فى المكتب لوحدى!.
و بعد شهر، كنت فى يوم لوحدى فى المكتب و المدير نادانى و قعد يقولى عامله ايه؟ و مبسوطه و لا لا؟ و نفسك فى ايه تعمليه فى حياتك؟. و بعد ما اتكلمت بحسن نيه جدا، لاقيته بيقولى انتى محتاجه حد غنى يتبناكى و يحققلك كل الى نفسك فيه.... بعدين طلع خمرة من التلاجه بتعته و قعد يشرب بعدين كان بيلمحلى بكلام كتير شويه انه محتاج لحد زى يتكلم معاه و شويه انه ممكن يحققلى كل الى نفسى فيه بس على شرط اننا نكون صحاب و ان صداقتنا دى تكون سريه! بعدين لاقيته مسك ايدى و حط ايده على كتفى و قالى " انا مش بعرف اتكلم دوغرى بس انا عارف انك زكيه و هاتعرفى انا قصدى ايه؟". و انا كل ده متنحه و مش فاهمه ايه الى بيحصل و حسيت انى مش قادره افهمه غلط لانى فعلا كنت بحترمه جدا. كل اللي كان بيدور فى دماغى انى مش قادره اتصرف و حسيت انى مشلوله و خفت اعمل اى حاجه عشان الموضوع مايزدش خاصة انى كنت لوحدى. بعدين راح مسك ايدى تانى و قالى طول محنا مع بعض كده انا عاوزك تقوليلى بأسمى على طول بلاش بقى حضرتك و الحاجات دى. و راح مدينى نمرة موبيل سرى محدش يعرفه خالص و قالى "الموبيل ده محدش يعرف نمرته خالص هابقى اكلمك من عليه بس ماتديهوش لحد و لا حتى لمراتى". سبلى مدة انى افكر فيها عشان اوافق على الاتفاق بتاعه و قالى انا هكلمك و عاوز اول كلمه اسمعها منك "انا موافقه" و انا عارف انك هتفكرى فى مصلحتك صح و توافقى.
طبعاً من اليوم ده و رجعت البيت مارحتش الشغل ده تانى، و كان عندى حالة اندهاش فظيعه مكنتش عارفه افكر و لا حتى اعيط و لا اتكلم مع حد. ماستوعبتش الموقف غير بعدها تانى يوم، حسيت بإهانه كبيره اوى و صعبت عليا نفسى ان حد يشوفنى كده و طبعاً الصورة الى كنت رسماها للراجل المحترم انهارت، و قعدت فتره يحاول يكلمنى و انا مش برد حتى مراته قعدت تكلمنى كذا مرة بس ماعرفتش ارد عليها اقولها ايه؟ و فضلت فى حالة نفسية سيئة جداً لحوالى شهر عشان انسى".

"المدير مطلبش منى حاجه...بس العملاء طلبوا!"
" انا اشتغلت سكرتيرة فى حتت كتيير اوى بس كان اسواءها الشركات السياحية، المدير عندنا كان راجل كويس اوى و عمره ما حسيت من ناحية بأى حاجه وحشه، لكن عملاء كتير عرب و اجانب كانوا بيحاولوا يتحرشو بيا و ساعات كتير كانو بيكلمونى فى التليفون و يطلبو منى اجيلهم و ناس منهم ماكنوش بيسبونى فى حالى و يقعدوا يقولولى كلام سافل فى التليفون و ساعتها اشتكيت لزمايلى الى معايا فضحكوا عليا و قالولى ان معظم الناس الى بيزورو مصر بيجو بس عشان كده و ان هى دى طريقه الشغل فى كل مكاتب السياحه.
قلت اروح للمدير اشتكيله، قالى تقريباً نفس الكلام و زود عليه كمان انه ده من تخصصات شغلى لانى من واجبى انى اضايف العملاء كويس و اريحهم فى طلابتهم عشان ده اكل عيش و طبعاً بيزود من المرتب. اضطريت انى اضغط على نفسى شويه و استحمل المضايقات لانى كنت محتاجه فلوس و بعد فترة الشركة اضطرت تقفل عشان مابقاش يجيلنا ناس كتير من ساعة العمليات الارهابية و الحاجات دى."

"مديرى كان هايدمر زواجى"
" انا للاسف اطلقت بسبب شغلى كا سكرتيرة، كنت بقعد اوقات كتير فى الشغل و كنت ممكن اسافر لوحدى مع المدير، و لقيته بيتقرب منى شوية بشوية بالرغم انه عارف انى متجوزه بس انا كنت بحاول مفكرش فى الموضوع كتير عشان احافظ على شغلىن بس للاسف جوزى لاحظ الحكاية دى و حظرنى كذا مره بس انا كنت بحاول اقنعه انى لازم استمر فى الشغل عشان الفلوس. كذا مره المدير كان يكلمنى فى اوقات غريبه و يبعتلى رساله كتير على الموبيل كلها كلام معكسات بس انا كنت بامسحها على طول بس للاسف نسيت الموبيل مرة و المدير بعتلى رساله و جوزى كان فى البيت و شفها راح كلمه مهزقه و هو رد عليه بكل بساطه و قاله انه على طول يبعتلى رسايل كده و حسسه ان فى ما بينه علاقه. رحت اول ما رجعت البيت جوزى اتخانق معايا و ساب البيت و كنا هانطلق، بس الحمدلله ولاد الحلال ادخلوا و قدرت اصلح الموقف و افهمه ان مافيش اى حاجه ما بينى و بينه و انى كنت بقفل على لما يحاول يفتح معايا اى حاجه. انا عارفه انى غلط انى متكلمتش من الاول و سكت كتير بس الحمدلله انها جت على اد كده و طبعاً كان طلب جوزى الاساسى فى الرجوع انى اسيب الشغل و مشتغلش فى مجال السكرتريه ده تانى خالص".

"جوز المديرة كان بيعاكسنى!"

اشتغلت فى شركة تصدير كانت صاحبتها واحده ست، كانت تنكه اوى و على طول بتزعق و تهزق عمال على بطال و على طول تنتقد اى وحده شغاله معانا لو حطه مكياج كتير او لبسه لبس ضيق او قصير زياده على اللزوم، جوزها كان عنده شركة تانيه بس ساعات كان بيجى يساعدها فى الادارة كل فترة و التانية بس كل الستات الى كانوا بيشتغلوا فى الشركة بيتكلمو عنه، كان كل شوية واحده تشتكى انه عاكسها او قالها كلمة كده او كده. و فى يوم غلطت و انا بشتغل و بعت حاجه غلط، و طبعاً المديرة ادتنى كلمتين و خلتنى امشى و نزلت من المكتب منهارة و عماله اعيط فا لاقيت جوزها تحت فى العربية فا اعد يهدينى و عرض عليا انه يوصلنى بالعربية و انا وافقت و شوية و لاقيت نفسى اعده معاه فى هيلتون دريم. راح قعد يحكيلى عن حياته الشخصية مع مراته و انه بيضطر يبص لبره لانه قرفان معاها فى البيت و على طول خناق. بعدين لاقيته راح قرب منى و حضنى ! و قالى "لو تحبى ترجعى الشغل تانى انا ممكن ارجعك و هقول لمراتى انك اترجتينى عشان ترجعى الشغل تانى". روحت سيباه و قمت مشيت...

"لما تكوني سكرتيرة لقناة فضائية تافهه"

" يمكن مش السكرتارية بس الى بتتعرض لتحرش فى القنوات الفضائية، ده من أول العاملة البسيطة الى بتشتغل فى البوفيه لحد المذيعات و المعدات. انا اعدت فترة بشتغل سكرتيرة لقناة فضائية الى بتعرض الاغانى و شوية برامج كده بتاعت المسابقات و خلاص. كانت زى متكون مجتمع صغير منعزل عن العالم. الى يعاكس دى شوية و الى يعمل علاقه غير شرعية مع واحده او اكتر و كله كان عارف كل حاجه، دى ماشيه مع مين و دى نامت مع مين و الخ... كنا بنعمل حفلات فى الاستديو كتير و كان ممكن يحصل فيها اى حاجه لان بيكون فيها شرب و سهر.اضطريت انى اجارى الوضع لانى ماكنتش هلاقى فرصه احسن من كده بس و فى نفس الوقت كنت لسه محافظه على نفسى كا بنت، و بعدين اتقدملى واحد و رفض انى اكمل شغلى لما عرف انى سكرتيره فا قدمت استقلتى".


"السكرتيرة عندنا بتحترم من الكبير للصغير"

"احنا عندنا السكرتيرة اسمها Administrative Assistant و المصطلح ده بيستخدم فى كل الشركات المالتى ناشونال و الشركات الكبيرة فى مصر. و عادتاً بتكون خاصة اكتر بالاناث لانهم بيعرفوا يتعملوا بلباقه اكتر و بيمتصه غضبهم اكتر من الرجاله و كمان عشان البنات ممكن تشتغل فى اكتر من حاجه فى نفس الوقت بتركيزمش بس عشان انها بتكون حلوة و متدلعه و خلاص. عشان كان السكرتيرة عندنا لازم يكون معاها شهادة عالية و بتعرف اكتر من لغه بطلاقه ده طبعا زائد الكمبيوتر و انها تكون مثقفه و مطلعه.و بتعتبر من اكتر الناس الى بتحترم فى الشركة لانها تحت المدير بالضبط و ليها صلحيات كتير و هى الى بتحل محل المدير لما بيكون مش موجود و بتعرف كل حاجه فى الشركة ماشية ازاى عشان كده هى تعتبر شغلانه متعبه جداً لان كتير ممكن تقعد لساعات زياده عن ساعات عملها و ممكن تنزل يوم اجازتها لو فى شغل ماخلصش او لو المدير محتاجه اى حاجه حتى لو كانت ورقه من هناك لانها هى الوحيد الى بتكون عارفه مكان كل حاجه ".

ان عالم السكرتارية ملئ بالقصص المختلفة الذى ظلمت الكثير من الفتايات و السيدات التى يعملون فى هذا المجال ، فالبرغم من انه قد يكون مستغل بشكل او اخر فى الكثير من الاماكن لكن هذا لا يعنى انه بهذا الشكل دائماً لانها عمل ذو اهمية و يجب احترامه و تقديرة.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

اهلا بيك فى "ارض النفاق"



رمضان فعلاً شهر الخير، اول ما بيعلن الشيخ عن بدء شهر رمضان الكريم بتتحول الناس بشكل غريب، الى مش بيصلى تلاقيه ما بيسبش المسجد، والمش محجبه تتحجب و تلبس عبايات كمان و الناس كلها بتجلها حالته ايمان غريبه. فعلاً سبحان الله ان الشياطين بتكون متسلسله فى الوقت ده، لان اى شخص بيعمل حاجه وحشه ممكن يعملها على طول لكن يجيى عند شهر رمضان و يقولك " لا انا مش بعمل كده فى رمضان". طب مادام هو عارف انها غلط كان بيعملها ليه من الاول؟ و لا احنا المفترض ان احنا نعبد ربنا فى رمضان بس.
بعد حوالى 28 يوم برضه نفس الشيخ لما بيعلن عن اول يوم العيد تلاقى حال الناس انقلب تانى 180 درجه و كل رجع زى مكان، فى ناس بتحاول تسبت على الى هى كانت فيه لكن للاسف ناس تانيه بترجع لحياة القديمه ده لو ماكنتش بقت اسواء.
كان بالنسبالى الناس الى بتعمل كده منافقين و و بيضحكوا على الى حوليهم و على نفسهم لان ماينفعش حد يكون عارف و مقتنع انه بيعمل حاجه غلط و يصر انه يعملها، بس اتعرفت على شباب غيروا فكرتى دى تماماً و عرفت منهم ان مافيش حد بيحب يكون وحش و ان كلهم فعلاً نفسهم يكونوا احسن و رمضان من احسن الاوقات الى الواحد ممكن يتوب فيها صحيح اوقات كتير الواحد بيرجع بعديها زى مكان لان الجو المحيط بيكون مش مساعد على التغير او الثبات بس على اقل بيحاول. انا هاعرض قصتين لولد و بنت بيمثلوا شباب كتير موجودين حولينا بيعملوا حاجات كتير مش كويسه لكن محدش فعلاً حاول يعرف من جواهم عامل ازاى




"هو"
"انا عندى 22 سنه، من سوهاج بس عايش فى القاهره بقلنا فترة و دراستى الجامعيه كانت هنا. والدى الله يرحمه كان راجل صعيدى و قاسي جداً على طول إهانه و ضرب أمى ست غلبانه مغلوب على امرها و ماعنديش غير اخ اكبر منى نسخه مصغره من والدى على طول بيحب يتحكم فيا فى كل حاجه. ابتديت اشرب حشيش و حاجات تانيه كتير من سنه 3 كليه بعد وفاة والدى و تقريباً جربت كل انواع المخدرات ده غير كمان انى بنام مع بنات كتير و عارفهم كلهم واحده واحده. اهلى ماكنوش يعرفوا عنى اى حاجه و لا بعمل ايه لغاية ما البوليس قبض عليا مره مع واحده من اياهم و طبعاً سعتها اهلى عرفوا، بس محصلش حاجه و كملت حياتى عادى جداً و يمكن كمان بقيت اوحش من الاول، يعنى انا تقريباً عملت كل حاجه وحشه ممكن تتعمل و لسه لغايت دلوقتى بعملها...
انا نفسى اصلى اوى و عارف ان فى يوم من الايام حياتى ها تتصلح بس الناس الى حواليا مش مسعدنى على كده انا بحاول كذا مره فى رمضان انى ابطل لكن برجع تانى اعمل معاصى و ساعات اكتر من الاول و مكسوف اوى لما كل شويه ابطل حاجه و ارجعلها تانى يعنى ازاى ربنا هايتقبلنى و انا زانى و بشرب مخدرات و حشيش."




"هى"
"انا من الاسكندريه و عايشه مع امى و اختى لان والدى مطلق والدتى من زمان، اتحجبت فتره صغيره بعدين اهلى و صحابى قالولى اقلعه لانى شكلى وحش و بيئه. قالعته و بقى لبسى كله قصير و ضيق و لما فكرت انى البسه تانى اهلى كانوا على طول يعرضوا لانهم شيفين ان جسمى حلو اوى و حرام يستخبى. بعد فتره لاحظت ان رجاله كتير بيجوا لماما و للاسف كنت بشفهم داخلين مع بعض اوضته النوم فا بقيت انا و اختى كده و اتعرفنا فى المنطقه بتعتنا كلها و طبعاً اى حد بيشوفنى بيبصلى على اساس انى كده بس ال الناس ماتعرفهوش انى بصلى و بصوم الحمدلله و كمان بصوم نص شعبان و بعمل حاجات كتير بتمنى ان ربنا يتقبلها منى و يسامحنى على الى بعمله، بس تقريباً حتى لو ربنا سامحنى ماعتقدش ان الناس هاتسامحنى و تشيل الصوره الوحشه من دماغهم و انا متأكد ان كل بيقول انى مستاحقش ان ربنا يغفرلى ، بس انا فعلاً بحاول اينعم بفشل كتير لكن بحاول بس مشكلتى انى ضعيفه و بتأثر بالناس الى حوليا جداً. على فكره ماحدش بيتولد وحش او بيحب يكون وحش بس الانسان ضعيف و بيضحك على نفسه بالمعصيه مع انه عارف انها هاتأذيه لكن بيحب يعملها لمجرد انها ممنوعه".



"هو" و "هى" دول قصص واقعيه بتكلم بلسان حال شباب كتير ضايع و نفسه يتوب، شباب بيستنى رمضان من السنه للسنه عشان يحاول يتغير و يكون احسن، شباب مش منافق لكن من جواه فعلاً مش عاوز يكون عاصى و نفسه يبتدى حياة جديده.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Where is superman when u need him ?

I'm only 22 years old, young and shining and still single.
Why? Maybe coz I'm so disappointed at guys. Seriously what the hell wrong with them (not all for sure).

But I never knew it could be so difficult to find the one for you these days….
Why are people getting so lame and shallow?

I hate the idea that people think I'm 22 and OH my God I have to get married!
Don't know what's exactly wrong with that, I believe I'm still young, I mean I can get worried when I reach or something, but it's a life time thing.

I've been dreaming about my superman, and I can't give it up just because people think he doesn't not exists, I know he does…I love him and I miss him and I'm sure we are right in front of each other's but still didn’t get the chance to know it.

I'm having weird feelings lately and I feel I'm emotionally disturbed, looking forward that Ramadan will settle things down and make my feelings more obvious and clear, Ramadan brings to me all the happy feelings in the world so I have faith it will get better isA.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

يوم داخل (الاتوبيس)




كنا جميعاً فى إنتظاره حتى اتى من بعيد, مضيئاً كشافيه مثل نور الشمس الساطع، و اخذ يبطئ و يبطئ و الناس يركضون عليه فى لهفة حتى توقف ,و اخذ صبى صغير يقف على الباب ينادى..." اكتوبر..أكتوبر فاضية أكتوبر".
لم اكن انوى الركوب وسط كل هذا الزحام و لكن تحت تأثير عنصرى الضغط و الدفع وجدت قدمى داخل "الاتوبيس" وعبر بذهنى إعلان "ريكسونا" مزيل العرق فوضعت منديل على انفى حتى لا اصطدم بالروائح النفاذه و الفيروسات المتاطيرة فى الهواء حتى التقط انفاسى عبر اى شباك مفتوح .امتلئت الكراسى سريعاً كما امتلئت جميع الاماكن التى يمكن الجلوس عليها مثل الأرض و الموتور و جانبى الباب، اتعاطف كثيراً مع هؤلاء الذين يحملون كماً هائلاً من الاكياس أو من الاطفال على اكتافهم و اعتبر نفسى من المحظوظين الذين استطاعوا الوقوف على درجات السلم , متمنية ان اجد "فتى الاحلام" الذى سوف يقف و يجلسنى مكانه قائلاً" اتفضلى اقع
دى انتى يا انسة"، و لكن اتضح انه حلم بعيد صعب ان يتحقق.











كالعادة بدأت مغامرة اول الخط بارتفاع اصوات الراكبين، فمنهم من يتحدث فى الهاتف بصوت عالى جداً " ايوه يا حماده انا رايحه لخالتك عشان بنتها ولعت" ، و منهم من تتحدث مع صديقتها التى تجلس بجانبها " انتى شوفتى البت سوسو كانت واقفة مع مين فى الجامعة انهارده؟!" و تتوالى الحكايات الواحدة بعد الاخرى و معظمها ليس لها معنى على الاطلاق.
تكملةً لهذه السيمفونيه العذبة نجد من يستمع الى الام بى ثرى "و مكسل يطلع سماعات" او من يبحث عن نغمة للموبايل فيعيد و يزيد فى التقليب بين نغمات المحمول مع تشغيل السائق لاغنية لاحد مغنييه الشعبيين المفضلين لتكون اغنية واحدة متكررة طول الطريق. لاول مره اعرف فعلا معنى " التلوث السمعى"و فصوت الركاب داخل الاتوبيس فاق ضوضاء الشوارع المزدحمة.
تعتبر ثانى مغامرة هى اختلاف السائق مع الركاب حول الاجرة هل هى 2 جنيه؟ ام جنيه و نص فقط؟.قد يتزعم الاعتراض احدى الركاب الذى يتحدث بقلب جامد كأنه زعيم وطنى يحاول الحفاظ على حقوق المواطنين و يسعى لتحفيز باقى الركاب ليتحدوا و يعترضوا على النصف جنيه الزياده مع استخدام اسلوب التهديد " خلاص يبقى تنزلنا ماترح ما جبتنا" او "اطلع بينا على القسم" و لكن فى النهاية غالباً ما ينتهى الخلاف بفوز سائق الاتوبيس بحجة " ده البنزين غلى يا اساتذة هوه النص جنيه ده هايفرق معاكوا فى ايه؟" فيتعاطف باقى الركاب و خاصة النساء "خلاص بقى ماهم برده غلابه".
هل فعلاً النصف جنيه "الى مش بيجيب حاجه" يمكن ان يكون سبب نزاع الافراد؟ و قد يؤدى الى الشتائم و احياناً الضرب، لاعتقاد كل من الطرفين انه صاحب حق و ان " ماينفعش يمشى كلامه عليا بالعافية".
يسود الهدوء فى منتصف الطريق, فمعظم الركاب قد غلبهم النوم من طول الطريق و شدة الزحمة و توقف السائق بين الحين والآخر للتحميل حتى اخر موقع قدم متبقى داخل السيارة.
أخيراً بعض طول إنتظار يقف احد الركاب و ينظر الى فى شفقة و يقول "اقعدى انتى, انا نازل المحطة الى جايه"، باستناء الاسلوب فى التعامل و تنازله فقط عن الكرسى لانه "نازل قريب" كنت سعيده جداً لاننى تمكنت من الجلوس بجانب النافذة و التقاط بعض الهواء المنعش.
ينتهى المطاف بنزول الركاب فى محطاتهم، الأمرالذى لا يسلم من الخلافات ,اما لأن احد الركاب نزل قبل محطته بـ "خمس خطوات" او امر احد الركاب السائق بالتوقف فجأة فاضطر للتوقف بعد المكان المقصود ببعض السنتي مترات فقط مما يتسبب فى ان يفقد السائق اعصابه قائلاً" هوه انا هنزل كل واحد عند بيته!". وصولاً بآخر المحطة حيث يقف السائق على بعد من الموقف المعتاد و يجبر باقى الركاب على النزول " هنا الآخر يا اساتذة! مش هاخش عشان الف من هنا" و تختتم المغامرة بنزاع اخير.


Sunday, August 09, 2009

عايزه صبر




"على فكرة المواضيع منزلتش العدد ده برده"

هكذا دخلت المنزل مثل اول كل شهر عندما اشترى المجلة و لا اجد مواضيعى فيها...

"خلاص بقى تنزل وقت ما تنزل!"

و هكذا اجابت امى بعد ان "زهقت" من كتر ما بسهر قدام اللابتوب و اروح هنا و هناك عشان اخلص المواضيع الى بكتبها الى لسبب ما "اجهله" مش بتنزل فى مجله. كنت اتمنى ان اقول لها " يا ماما بجد مش طلباها خالص الكلمتين دول"
هذه المره تسببت لى باحباط شديد و فكرت جدياً انى "خلاص مش نافعه فى الكتابه اصلا" و انى احسنلى استمع الى كلام ماما و "اشتغل شغلانه عشان اعرف اصرف على نفسى" لانهم (ربنا يديهم الصحه) مش هيعيشولى على طول...و الدنيا بتغلى كل يوم و الواحد مش عارف بعد كده ايه الى ممكن يحصل. و للاسف على رأى ماما " الصحافه مش بتأكل عيش" يمكن الواحد ممكن يصرف فيها اكتر مما يكسب.
بس اعمل ايه...نصيبى خلانى محبش غير الكتابه و الصحافه.
و لو شلت الحكايه دى من دماغى مش هلاقى حاجه تانيه اعملها او بمعنى اصح مش هيجيلى نفس اعمل حاجه تانيه غيرها.

انا زعلت و حسيت انى فشلت...لانى مش لاقيه تشجيع او حافز يعنى حتى لو انا "حماره" و "مابفهمش" فا انا نفسى اتعلم. بس المشكله ان المواضيع اتقبلت و عجباهم اوى و اخدت رأى ناس كتير فيها.
بدأت اشك اننى "فقر" او "نحس" و لكن اكتشفت اننى من المحظوظين لان الكثير من اصدقائى اعادوا لى البسمه و الامل و احدهم ارسل لى صوره....ابكتنى كثيراً لكنها جعلتنى ابتسم لان هذا بضبط ما اردت ان اراه فى هذا الوقت.


فعلاً كل حاجه "عايزه صبر".
شكرا الى كل من ادخل البسمه الى قلبى و كل من يثق في و فى قدراتى الضئيله. جزاكم الله عنى كل خير
بعتذر عن تداخل اللغه العاميه مع (النوعاً ما) فصحى لان دى مجرد فضفضه

Thursday, August 06, 2009

اطالب بحقي فى التصيف !

فى ناس لما بتحب تصيف بيروحوا فرنسا...تايلاند...دبي و ممكن يعملوا جولة سياحية يعنى اسبوع هنا و اسبوع هناك و يومين معرفش فين...
ناس تانيه بالنسبلها المصيف شرم الشيخ....الغردقه...بورتو سخنه...بورتو مارينا (و اى نوع من البورتوهات).
اما الناس الى على قد حالهم شويه ممكن يخدلهم يومين فى اسكندريه و خلاص.
الجديد بقى ان الناس دلوقتى بتصيف منغير متسافر اصلاً....





الصوره دى كانت على كوبرى المنيل....ناس قاعدين على الرصيف و جايبين كراسى البحر...ترمس الشاى و ملايه و حلل الاكل كلها الى فى البيت. اما الجانب الاخر فكانت العربيات ركنه يجى صفين (على الكبرى) و معظمهم من حديثين الزواج. فالاول كنت بحسب ان فى مظاهره و لا حاجه بعدين لاقيت الناس قاعدين مستمتعين جدا بالهوا و ميه النيل.
و بحديثى مع بعضهم عرفت ان ناس كتير هربانين من جو القاهره المحرق و نفسهم يشموا هوا و يتخلصوا من ضغط الحياة العمليه و نفسهم يصيفوا جدا بس معهمش فلوس يروحوا فى حته.
من الواضح ان حتى الاجازات و المصايف غليوا اليومين دول لدرجه ان الناس عملت النيل..بحر و الكبرى...شاطئ.
هل ممكن بعد كده الناس تعمل مظاهرات عشان يصيفوا ؟ و يطالبوا بحقهم انهم يتفسحوا شويه قبل ما يرجعوا ل هم المذاكره و الشغل و المصاريف؟

Thursday, July 23, 2009

مذكرة محجبة مفروسة جداً


انتشر الحجاب بشكل كبير خاصاً فى السنين الى فاتت بارغم من ان فكرة الحجاب ماكنتش موجوده تقريباً زمان. بس قرار الحجاب قرار صعب، و بيجيه معاه مسؤليه كبيره و التزمات كتير لان فى الاخر البنت بتكون بتمثل الاسلام بشكل او اخر و زى محنا شايفين دلوقتى ان الاسلام بقى مرتبط بفكره الارهاب و خاصه فى الغرب، لازم اى واحده تاخد القرار ده تكون مقنعه تماماً بيه و مقتنعه انها حامله رساله لتصحيح الصوره دى.
افتكرت اول يوم اتحجبت فيه و انا فى 3 إعدادى، كانت واحده صحبتى ادتنى قبليها شريط لعمرو خالد عن الحجاب و قالتلى" يا رب تتحجبى على اخر الاسبوع". كنت متردده انى اسمع الشريط فى الاول بس سمعته و تانى يوم ماقدرتش انزل منغيره،حسيت كأنى نزله عريانه و بالرغم ان ماكنش عندى ايشاربات او اى لبس بكم، اتصرفت و استلفت من اخواتى. و كان رد فعل اهلى جميل جدا كلهم كانوا سعداء مع التشدد فى شرط أساسي " لو لتحجبتى ماينفعش تقلعيه" و انا كنت مقتنعه بالفكره دى 100 فى 100 لان ماينفعش اكون موعده ربنا سبحانه و تعالى انى هعمل حاجه عشانه و بعدين اخلف وعدى معاه.
اما بالنسبه للمدرسه يومها دخلت و انا متوتره جدا، الناس كلها بصالى باستغراب و كانى من كوكب تانى. كانت مفاجئة كبيره لما دخلت فصلى لان معظم صحابى معرفونيش، بعدين لاقيت صوت من ورا.." اييييه ده انتى اتحجبتى!!". و اخيرا جت الكلمة دى لتحطم الثلج، فابتسمت ابتسامة طمأنينه كنت مستنيه كلمة "مبروك".
بما أنى كنت فى مدرسه لغات معظم طلابها مدلعين كان صعب جدا تلاقى بنت محجبه و تكون مقبوله بين الطلابه ده كمان كان كتير منهم معتقد ان البنات بيتحجبوا بس لما شعروهم بيكون وحش او عندهم مرض ما او المقوله الشهيره المتداوله " انا هاتحجب لما اتجوز". لاقيت نظرات صحابى كلها عتاب و كان اول تعليق جالى" ايه ده! لا اقلعي الحجاب..شكلك عامل زى الخدامات!"، "انتى كده مش هاتعيشى حياتك"،" انتى كده مش هتعرفى تعملى حاجات كتير و مش هتعرفى تشتغلى". و سمعت حاجات تانيه كتير كان اخيرها الحمدلله كلمة مبروك من بعض الإصدقاء الى اصبحوا مقربين لأن ناس كتير مابقوش يكلمونى من بعدها!
ساعتها بس سألت نفسى سؤال...ليه الناس ديماً بتحكم بالشكل؟ و ايه هيفرق بالإيشارب و لا منغير؟، و ليه مش هقدر اعيش حياتى و أشتغل بشكل طبيعى و انا محجبه؟.
بليل كان عندى درس عند واحده صحبتى و اتمنيت من ربنا ان مايكونش فى تعليقات تانيه، بس اول ما دخلت و بسلم على اهل البيت، لاقيت اخو صحبتى بيبصلى من فوق لتحت باشمئزاز لدرجه ان صحبتى اخدت بلها و قالتلى: " معلش اصلى عليتنا مش بتحب المحجبات مافيش غير واحده بس الى محجبه و كلهم بيتريقوا عليها لدرجة انها مابئتش تكلم حد فينا خالص، و ماما يوم ما فكرت تتحجب بابا كان هايطلقها!"
إستفزينى الكلام ده جداً..وحسيت و لا كأنى مثل باقى البشر لدرجته انى قررت و حلفت ميت يمين انى لازم اوصل و اكون صحافيه و كاتبه ناجحه جدا! و اخد جائزة نوبل فى الادب كمان!
فى مشوار الدراسه كنت بقابل افكار غريبه، يعنى مثلاً الى يقولى انى معقده و "نارو مينديد" اى غير متفتحه، و الى يقولى "انتى ما بتشوفيش المحجبات بيعملوا ايه؟" و فعلاً الكلمة دى ثبتتنى لان فى بنات مش بيحترموا انهم لبسين ايشارب د بس مش معنى كده ان كل واحده لبسه ميكروجب و بدى بروتل تبقى مش محترمه.
بعد التخرج قدمت فى شغل فى مجله كنت بحبها اوى وبعتلهم نماذج من شغلى و ردوا عليا تانى يوم على طول وقالولى هنحددلك معاد انترفيو. طبعاً كنت هطير من الفرحه و بعتلهم اميل تانى فيه السى فى بتاعتى و انى منتظره تحديد الانترفيو....
يوم عده...يومين...وراه اسبوع...و لسه مافيش رد...بعت تانى...و تالت...و اتكلمت فى التليفون...و مره واحده محدش رادى يسئل فيا...و كنت ناويه انى اروح المجلة بس صديق ليا يعرف نائبة رئيسة التحرير (الى هى اصلاً ردت على الايميل بتاعى فى الاول)، فا طلبت منه انه يسألها هما ليه مش بيرده عليا....
جه بعديها و سألنى "انتى حاطه صورتك فى السى فى؟"، قلتله اه. و كانت الصدمه..." هما ما قبلوكيش عشان انتى محجبة"!!!. و طبعاً مقدروش يردوا عليا لان اكيد مش هيقولولى كده فى وشي! مع ان الشغل الى "هما" رشحونى فيها كانت مساعد محرر يعنى ولا هاطلع فى التليفزيون و لا حتى فى الراديو.
كانت اول مرة فعلاً احس بخيبه الامل، ازاى مجلة "متفتحه" تقبل التفتح من جهه واحده فقط!. ده فى امريكا نفسها الى هى بلد الانفتاح كلوه مش بيفكروا كده. ليه اصبحت فكرة الحجاب بقت مرتبطه دايما بفكرة الإنغلاق و التشدد؟.
لفيت كتير على مجلات و جرائد مختلفه و قلت اجرب حاجه تانيه احاول اروح منها على قسم التحرير،فا قدمت كا مصممة إعلانات لان عندى فيها خبره مش وحشه، بس كان شرطهم الاساسى انى اقلع الحجاب! و استغربت جداً لما قالولى انى ممكن اشتغل معاهم بس فى قسم المبيعات(لان معظمه عبر التليفون) و انا اصلاً مافهمش فيه حاجه و ماعنديش خبره فيه قبل كده.
قلت اجرب اقدم فى الأقسام الإعلاميه الى بتكون تبع السفارات الاجنبيه فى مصر، روحت سفارة أمريكا قلت يمكن لما اروح بنفسى اعرف اثبت شخصيتى و تفكرى بدل ما ابعت السى فى و خلاص، طبعاَ كان فى إجراءات أمنيه و حراس فى كل مكان بصنلى اوى كأنى خلاص شايله قنبله، يا دوب لسه بحاول اسأل عن حد اتكلم معاه، بالرغم انى لاقيت ناس كتير داخله جوه لاقيتهم من على الباب بيخدو السى فى و بيقولولى " إتفضلى انتى احنا ها نوديه" و طبعاً فهمت أنهم اكيد هيودوه على اقرب زباله او يتركن على اى رف.
انا شكيت ان ممكن يكون العيب مثلاً ان ماعنديش خبره كبيره او إمكانياتى قليله بس لاقيت ناس تانيه بتشتكى من نفس الموضوع فى مجالات تانيه كتير يعنى السياحه و الإعلام مش بيقبلوا حجاب، بعض شركات المالتى ناشونال،القطاع الخاص و البنوك الاجنبية مش بيقبلوا الحجاب.
صدقتى الانتيم اتخرجت من الجامعة الالمانية management department و كان تخصصها الـHR (human resource و تعتبر الجامعة هى اول جامعة فيها التخصص ده، فا المفروض ان اى حد بيتخرج من القسم ده بيشتغل على طول لاهمية و حساسية البوزشن ده، فا قدمت فى فندق الفور سيزون و بالرغن من تفوقها برده تم رفضها عشان هما مش بيقبلوا الحجاب، الجميل فى معظم الشركات الى بيرفضوا بقولها بطريقه شيك جداً و غير مباشرة لان طبعاً هتكون حاجه وحشه فى حقهم لو عملوا كده بس الى حصل مع واحده صحبتى تانيه كان العكس تمام.....
هى خريجة حاسبات و معلومات جامعة القاهرة، اخدت كورس فى تخصص بتاعها و المفرود ان الشركه بعد ما بتدى الكورس ده بتشغل الى خلصوه على طول. راحت الانترفيو بتاع الشركه هى و 8 بنات و ولاد تانين و كانت هى الوحيده المحجبه...و هى الوحيده الى اترفضت، كان من اسأله الانترفيو التى اتسألتها :
"عندك مانع انك تقلعى الحجاب؟"
"اه انا ارفض انى اقلعه"
"بس احنا بيكون عندنا عمله اجانب و ممكن مايقبلوش الشكل ده".
"!!!!"
"خلاص احنا هانكلم حضرتك كمان اسبوع".
بعد طبعاً لما ماكلموهاش قدمت فى شركة "اتصالات" و أتسألت نفس السؤال تانى:
"انتى ممكن تقلعى الحجاب؟"
المره دى ردت و قالت: " اه و على فكره انا قبل كده اترفضت من شركات تانيه بسبب الحجاب بس انا مش هاقلعه".
فردوا عليها:" لا لا مافيش مشاكل احنا بنسأل بس"
و بعد كده فعلاً اتعينت لانها كانت من افضل الناس الى اتقدموا للوظيفة و قدرت تثبت نفسها من خلال شغلها.
من الملاحظ ان فى اشغال كتير بيكتب جنبها "شرط عدم ارتداء الحجاب" زى مثلاً الـ usher او الموديلز الى بيقفوا فى المعارض ، المذيعات ، خدمة العملاء ، مضيفات الطيران و اى حاجه فيها تعامل مع العملاء خاصاً الاجانب. و يا سلام بقى لو البنت تكون مدلعه شويه و مباينه اكبر قدر من جسمها دول الى بيتعينه هوه!
انا بصراحه احترت...مش عارفه هما بيقبلوهم عشان يشتغلو ايه بالظبط؟ بس حتى لو البنت محترمه و نيتها كويسه هما يستغلوها و يعتبروها اداه لجذب اكبر عدد من العملاء، و دى حاجه تهننى كا فتاة قبل ما اكون محجبة.
انا مش بحاول اقنع البنات بالحجاب لانى مش داعيه إسلاميه لكن بطالب بحقوقى كا إنسانه زيى زى اى حد تانى و سؤالى الوحيد الى نفسى اسأله.....هوه ايه مشكلة الناس مع الحجاب؟
إحساس وحش جدا لما تحسى انك مرفوضه و منبوذبه من البيئه الى انتى عايشه فيها لمجرد انك مختلفه، و انك مش عارفه تثبتى نفسك عشان مس لاقيه حد يديكى الفرصه دى.
بس فى مثل اجنبى بيقول what doesn't kill you makes you stronger و فعلا الحمد لله ناس كتير وقفوا جنبى و شجعونى انى اكتب و اصرخ و أثبت نفسى كإنسانه من حقها انها تتعامل على اساس انها بنى ادمه، بتفكر بعقل و بتبذل مجهود للنجاح، مش على اساس الى بتلبسه.

(شمس أحمد- الحائزة على جائزة نوبل إن شاء الله لسنة 2020)

Monday, July 06, 2009

Stranger in Egypt


R.I.P

A 32 years old Egyptian mum (Marwa Sherbeni) was murdered at Germany, right inside a German court, in front of her 3 years old child and her husband.
A Russian\ German man attacked her with her little son and husband, tried to pull of her veil and insulting her for being a Muslim calling her a terrorist.
He stabbed her 18 time till she died, and when her husband tried to save her the police shot him and the attacker stabbed him for 6 times as well.

Marwa died immediately and her husband is still at the hospital recovering from the accidental gunshot and stabs.
Her body arrived to Egypt today; it was a tragic incident that affected most of the Egyptian women.
How anyone could be killed like that! Why would this 3 years old child grow up without a mum, why would that man live without his beloved wife???????
Why…..why and loads of WHY's!
It's all around the idea of not accepting others…. We never thought that we are actually doing the same…

I'm stabbed too!

Marwa was a muslim woman who lived in a foreign country, died because she was different she wasn't accepted.
But I who already live in Egypt, feel not accepted as well, I'm stabbed thousand times with people's eyes…I'm shot with their insults, I'm abused in my own country only because I wear my veil and respect it.

I'm a freak!

It's like I'm a stranger in my own home, I'm rejected in different kinds of jobs because of what I wear, because of what I believe in.
I'm mistreated because some people think I'm narrow minded or simply a STUPID person who doesn't deserve to be on this planet!

I'm asking for (respect/ acceptance and appreciation)

Accept me! Because I'm a HUMAN BEING who worth living!

Accept me if I'm muslim
Accept me if I'm a female

Accept me if I'm veiled or if I wear neqab

Accept me if I'm Christian or Jewish

Accept me if I'm bahai's or What so EVER
me if I'm an arab

Accept me if I'm black

Accept me because I'm a human just like you.



more about Marwa sherbini's case read :

Friday, July 03, 2009

My “HIStory” with M.J

if you tried to guess “Who is it?” you will certainly”Remember the time”. He was that “Man in the mirror” who left a great “Thriller”.His color doesn’t matter whether he was “Black or white” because he left great songs that simply stole the spot lights like a “Smooth criminal”.


In his “Childhood” he tried to “Heal the world” with a very loud “Scream”, and it didn’t went so “Bad” because he was “working day and night”. he challenged the “Human nature” and did his best to “Beat it”, he sung for ”Dirty Diana”and “Billie Jean” the “Librarian Girl” who wasn’t his “Girlfriend” they were “Just good friends”.


he would make you “Get on the floor” and “rock with you” all the night with his fast steps and moves until you “burn the disco out” of dancing.


One day he lost most of his “Money” ,rumors got him and said that he was “Dangerous” on kids, he roamed for a while and lived as “a stranger in Moscow” but he refused to hide “In the closet” and “Whatever happens” he decided to face his trials “Keep his faith” and ask for “One more chance”


he “give in to me” so much lovely music,now I'm “Speechless” and i “Cry because he was “Gone too soon” .


By: "Little Sussie"

Monday, June 29, 2009

Happy new year to me

The news of today =), it’s my birthday and i’m officially 22 years old, looking forward to a better year.

i got loads of sms

loads of emails

loads of facebook msgs

and loads of calls =)

still some ppl didn’t bother to remember

and weird, there were ppl tht i don’t even know wished me a happy birthday

anyways…..i’m a lucky happy person =)
THANK U MY LOARD

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Random thought-3

Yesterday I went through my old things , writings…papers….cards…diaries. the funny part is I found out that I kinda right the same thing in different year , strange that I still have the same feeling.

It doesn't seem like a nice week to me, I'm afraid whenever my birthday is close that I actually kinda forgot it this year , or I'm trying not to remember it ….few days and I'll get one year older, although I've wanted to achieve many things in little time,I still didn't get anywhere closer to what I wished for.

It sometimes breaks me into pieces

It sometimes makes me feel I wanna die instead of carrying on

But I still say to myself tht I should keep going, there is no easy way, but there r people on my way who believes without even knowing me well.

Which actually surprises me, why I don't believe in myself tht much?

Why do I wanna b a journalist while I hate everything I write?

Why do I want to play music while I feel tht I suck in it?

Many things brought me down to earth tht I lost my breathe, but the angels around me lift me up.

So, I should get up now right? And show out my best…

From my the deep of my heart, I wish it's a better year.

p.s: I stole the title "random thoughts" from a dear friend of mine "missing link"who started a post once with the same title and I liked it so much, thank u a lot for it =)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Random thoughts-2

=(

=’(

Qadr Allah wa masha2 fa3l

elhamdolelah anyways….tomorrow will b better isA

la3alhu 5yran

Monday, June 08, 2009

Random thought-1

ive been lying to myself, i admit this. maybe coz i never got to let out wht i wanted to say or maybe coz u spoke directly to my heart?

i know nothing will bring us back and i have nothing to hold on with, i hate the fact tht u still cross my mind and i hate the fact tht i actually...... kinda like it

" maybe i didn't get better, but at least i'm different".

yes...i'm different...i'm stonger and became numb,sometimes i miss my old self and tht's y i sometimes miss u as well, coz u were a pretty much...part of it

i hate to tell u tht "wht goes around comes around", i have no hard feelings but it's not at easy as it seems.

"and when we meet, which i'm sure we will all what was there will be there still, i'll let it pass and hold my tongue and u will think tht i moved on"

i'm sorry i had to let this out in a way or another.

tht other day my best friend told me " ppl come to our lives for a reason, a season or a life time" and as long as u were only here for a reason u shall leave, would u?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The String of hope


a connection between us
empathy runs through
our eyes met then hide
there is something obviously true
a simple line
the line of empathy we both hold
we swing and slide
along the road
then lay attached to the string of hope
a quick glance
might return the past
a day pass then another day
life drifted us away
maybe in another life
maybe in another world
we'll rejoin again our string of hope

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Re-breathe

i finally got to breathe through the past one more time..it was surprising yet weird and amazing..

can’t deny being happy..i missed tht feeling long long ago.

it would b utterly funny if history repeated it self one more time lol

i’m praying and wishing and hoping doing everything i can…i can c some signs and motfa2la 5yran but still i don’t want to b in an endless dream, although i’d rather keep dreaming if it was about you =)

Friday, May 01, 2009

new blood joined earth

the little princess came few days ago, i was pretty much busy that’s why i was away for a big while.

she’s amazing,a cute little angel with a warm sunny face,i didn’t hold her yet *probably when she’s more few months old*

till now i only kiss her and sub7an Allah it kinda tickle my motherhood instinct.

i had an interview for another job…wasn’t surprise when i was nicely rejected..there r still loads of places on earth to search in.

we were preparing for our nursery graduation party..i was very tired but i missed tht feeling since colg..i missed the feeling of working all the day and go home to sleep like a dead person on my bed,then wake up in the early morning to go to work.

the party went pretty well, i never thought i’d miss the kids tht much,as they didn’t notice it was their final school day they couldn’t really say good bye.

i felt sad…when i came up to school the following day and found the class empty…couldn’t stop myself from crying..and i never thought tht only 2 month would make me feel so *it’s my stupid sentimentality again* i don’t think i’d ever stop being to attached to people..esp people i know tht they would leave soon and we might never see eachothers again.

i guess the following days would b pretty hard on me..i can feel it in me. i started having those qawloon’s pain again and ofcourse the usual fast heart beat and nose bleeding, nothing more than the normal except for being little bit angry.

i need meditation and a new hair cut..maybe it would make me feel better

Saturday, April 18, 2009

New arrival

a new soul will come down to earth, a new member will join our family.

i’m looking forward to c her =) to c her growing up with the rest, i can’t wait to hold her, kiss her little cheeks and hug her warmly.

Princess Sohyla will arrive to our kingdom isA =) 

Friday, April 17, 2009

Flashbacks

today i went through all of my old stuff, my old emails..pictures..notes..and even songs.

it made me shiver, i was happy and wished if i can go bk to those days one more time..and live them again *would it b the same*?

after long searching on my laptop, i found myself into the old ts boards…the black universe theme with the orange half sun in the middle. just the layout was enf to flash back these old days, i still remember my username and password, so i took a look around.

it was nice yet sad…i’ve seen bk all of those people i once lost on the way.

i guess everything has an ending point

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

October’s Road

starting from 6 of October city all the way to mohandeseen, going to tht mag. wishing i can just leave my article and GO…wasn’t in a mood to attend any meetings and hear more of the bla bla bla..

the headphones r in my ears all the way, listening to my fav songs which reminds me of my past, the best and worst moments in my life all together at the same time.

it’s funny how u laugh till u cry ur heart out, i don’t know wht do i want now, do i want to turn back time?, but y? i’ll still b the same..and i’ll still have the same situations.

do i want to get over? i tried and failed, all i do is just move on and change, pretending that it’s all over while it burns my heart every time i recall it accidently.

i walked for a while till i reached the mag, and thank God my wish came true and i left my article and ran quickly back. i kept walking till the bus station…and now on the way back to 6 october..

i just can’t stop thinking, sometimes i miss my own self, i miss how i use to be,and how i used to feel…

sometimes i think as..”if only i didn’t…” but what now! it’s too l8 to think and useless to think abt the past coz it is a PAST,

as i almost reached bk home i found my eyes tearing,i don’t know y i’m crying..but i feel as if there is a revolution inside of me…objecting on everything bad happened to me, asking me to release tht beast captured inside of me…letting it out of the cage..letting it take it’s revenge from those who hurt me the most.

i was near the mosque and decided to pray and go home…and so i did  

all the pain I've been through

and still i can’t let go

Saturday, April 04, 2009

everyone should starts somewhere, i still didn’t find the perfect place to start from , but i will try to start from what i have now..maybe i can change it to b better or maybe it will lead me to another better place..

i’m just riting anything coz i don’t want to stop writing. there is so many thing inside my  mind  but i don’t know why i dont rit as much as before so.. i’ll try to rit all the things running through my head.

sometimes i don’t know wht i want?…can i really b a writer? a journalist tht rit abt ppl and for ppl?, a person who would leave sign before she dies?

i feel i’m starting to move in actually this post proves it somehow , maybe i might b slow but at least i started..

i want to rit abt blogs so wish me luck with tht , till now i haven’t think of much..but i’ll finish it b4 Wednesday isA.

befor leaving i have some questions tht i will answer l8er…

does wearing a veil contradict with being a human?

r ppl getting lamer ?

can we decide who deserves to die and who don’t?

Friday, March 27, 2009

almost drawing the curve

i think its time for me to rise and shine...tired of life being so unfair, wishing for a better tomorrow.
i wish i can stop growing up, it makes me feel more responsible...see people with a closer eye which makes me c them lying, pretending , fake and empty *not all of them*
life is still good though
u'll b seeing more of me soon isA =)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

self motivating

i'm one of the best journalists ever! yaaaaay me!!!!

Noble prize...get ready coz i'm coming and almost there!

=D a little push

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Random thought-5-

i'm sick =( so sick ='(....but i'm so happy =), my best friend ever is engaged..it was gr8 seeing her so happy (althought it took me alot of pain killers to gather my self and go to the engagment) but it was gr8..she looked awesome...i love her and i love everything abt her and i love seeing her so happy may she always b happy forever .....
it brought bk many wonderfull memories
.........................................
i have some emotional issues =D i don't even know....how do i feel.
i better go to sleep i'm so tired and i'll get up early...maybe i'll cry a little to..... VENT

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Miss Shams !

woooooow! i began my job as a teacher...english...nursery stage =D i never thought it would b so much fun...the kids r a bit annoying but so cute and funny, i do a new thing every day and i finally got to WORK and MEET people and FEEL i'm doing something , the day really passes so fast.... so far...i love it =)
i'm also looking forward to work as a freelancer in a new mag =( i hope it work this time coz my mind is really feeling blank and can't think of anything to write...

ya Rab!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Trapped outside

i don't should i lol form what happened or should i cry from pain?
my friend visited me last friday and i was home alone, she rang the "intercom" and i took the keys hanged on the door and went to open the outter door for her.
as i went out...i found tht i took the wrong keys, so i waved to her to wait and oops! the door is closed :S
so i was out side the apartment and my friend out side in the yard !
i went up for our neighbors and asked them to open the the door for my friend , so as they did it was both of us out side the apartment now..
we stood for a while and kept laughing like hell!.
luckly...we live in the 1st floor so i can easily jumb through the balconey and open the door for us, tht would simply b done only if i left the balconey opened =D
.......
silence
.......
laugh
.....
thinking and thinking...
.......................
then decided to give it a shot and try to open the balconey or even sit in it =D, so i went to our other neighbors to borrow a knife and a ladder..and actually they were pretty helpful and their son suggested to help us.
so he jumbed to the balconey and tried to open it *its locked with shesh / terbas and glasses* and the mission was faild.
i noticed after a while tht i left one window side open..and here came the painful thought..
.......
i took some chairs and stood on them and startes cutting (the thin selk 7aded) to enter my hand and open the window......
thank God it worked out! but as i entered my hand then let it out =D it was so full of blood the metal was so tiny and painfull tht i had scratches all over my arms...
but TADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA the window is open and my neighbor jumbed inside and opened the house for me and my friend =D and we still couldn't stop LAUGHING *ay ay ay*

New brand exprience

i quit my job..i couldn't take it any more, i hated waking up every morning and going to the office *it's worse than drinking milk*..i'm so happy i finally did it and i considred my self lucky coz i left just in the right time..coz things seemed to b getting worse..some changes needs to b done.
------------------------------------------------------------
i took a rest for few days and will apply as an english teasher in my sister's school..they need teachers badly these days..and as am still jobless so i thought of giving it a shot i wont lose anything ...so pray for me coz am gonna be a KG teacher, and am not so good in dealing with kids :S

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Random thought -4-

Me…I'm one of those people who think that bad luck is their only companion, especially yesterday I felt so bad and started hating myself. that's what I usually do…I torture my self, I always find it so easy to blame me even for things that I have nothing to do with it, and I find joy and satisfaction every time I hurt my self mentally or physically. Even thought the blood caused by the physical pain, the mental one caused more deep scars in the heart.
Many times I've asked myself…why on earth anyone would commit suicide. How can any one do such thing? This is one way to end up a problem, but no one looked or searched enough for the other ways, at least there can be a happy ending.
………………………………………………….
The two sides of the Pepsi can

Long ago we had a theory of the tow sides of the glass of water, half full and half empty, it's simplify the way you look at your life.
As I adore Pepsi I decided to call it the "Pepsi can theory"…….. to be continued

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Random thought -3-

At work
two more hours and i'm gone! can't wait till i leave it forever, i better make it soon. i just need your prayers and your prayers =D.
seriosuly
i hate routen
i come at 9 am...make me some coffee, then sit and receive the emails, print them, send them by fax...answer some calls...make some calls...then eat...then sit infront of the laptop for hours thinking of anything to do so time can pass.
i wait
and wait
i write something..read a little bit
facebook
emails
answer emails
answer phone calls
then wait
and wait...
few hours...
5:50 i close the laptop and clean my disk, put my stuff in the purse and wait at the door till it's 6pm!!!!!!
and HIT IT OFF TO HOME

God HELP

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Random thought -2-

Ever thought of leaving egypt?

I might do, in fact I'm planning to go somewhere else, my aunt is in London and my eldest sister will travel to KSA in few months.
I've thought of starting a new life where I can build myself, I know you'd probably say.." you can still do the same here", but sometimes we need to run away from everything and start over one more time at least to clear your mind.
Still, life wont be so easy especially if I went to London I'll have a problem with my veil, and if I went to KSA I'll have a problem with being egyptian lol.
I'm dreaming of making my masters degree, I want to learn, DO and breathe journalism until I open my magazine.
Apparently, I'll feel homesick, it's not easy to leave everything behind, my friends , family , life , air , home…
Now I can imagine myself…
I'll b missing everything even the tok tok boys…
I'll miss the bad things I used to hate as I'll miss the lovely, sweet things.
I'll miss myself being there
I'll miss every single place I went to.
And of course I'll keep hearing my favorite dalida's songs, 7elwa ya balady – salma ya salama and a7san nas… shereen's song " mashrebtesh men nelha" and latifa's " 3ash2ana". I'll listen to them every now and then till my eyes look like two wety ping bong balls.
All of this is just a thought


p.s: I'm thinking of releasing my 1st poetry book

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Change the channel

I read about something called change the channel, where all bloggers are suppose to write positive posts about Egypt.
I thought it would be nice if I joined too, but I realized I haven't written any negative posts about Egypt from the first place to write a positive one.
Egypt as a country isn't bad, in fact the people of the country are the only one who can give a bad or a good image for their country, culture or religion.
So we'd find that the main problem is in the people themselves, still people are not the same so we can not judge a whole nation for some of them even if these "some" are pretty much!
I admit that most of Egyptian movies really SUCK between every 10 movies only 2 or 1.
All of them have the same theme (which shows every single bad thing in Egypt), it's not a problem to indicate our negatives…but what's the point??? We already know what's going on! Maybe we should indicate solutions for our problems or the positive things so people can have some hope! On the bright side we came up with new genres of movies which are silly comedy / repeated tragedy and fake action =D
It's frustrating…

i actually prefer the social comedy movies like ahmed helmy's style….he's a genius who worth a " hats off"

that's it I'm done writing today

Sunday, February 01, 2009

A sudden happieness group of events

in only few days....

one of my best relatives got married

my antimate 2erayet *engagement this month isA*

my sister's sister in law *one of my best gurls* 2erayet fat7a

and finaly.....

one of my BEST friends was engaged!!!!

lolollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

u ROCK on GUURRRRRRRRLS


3o2bal my other best gurls ya raaaaaaaaab

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Random thought -1-

I'm supposed to start my career as a real journalist, but I'm not sure what I can write about. What would really attract the audience?
I'm not into politics or sports and I find celebrities' gossips are pretty lame.
I'm more into writing about the daily life, the life of youth, kids and even grown ups.
I'd like to write about people, relationships and social life.
Me as a reader I'd prefer to read things that can go straight to the heart and touches a part of me and give me the feeling of " oh! It's pretty close to how I really feel now".
Like when you see a movie and say " that is so me!".
I'm still confused from where to start…I need brain storming

Monday, January 26, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dear bloggy,

Can u imagin tht we've been 4 yrs! me and u ^^ tht's awesome..u've save loads of beautiful and sad memories

i love u =)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

i'm bored
i kinda hate my job
and my mind is totally messed up!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Being old isn't fun =( i really miss my colg days even the bad worst ones...atleast i was with my friends.. i feel so lonely and when i'm bk to home i cry like a baby who doesn't want to go to school again.
i want my colg days bk =( i want to work hard and have no time to sleep, study at my friend's house and meet up in the morning befor the exam...
i grew up so fast

Thursday, January 08, 2009

I think i made a hig score yesterday...i cried from 5:30 pm till 1am!...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

=( it's too bad to start a new year so much pain and tears...what happeneds in gaza tears up the heart..
i hate it when i see it on TV it makes me feel i wanna jumb into the screen and scream at everyone..i also found out tht many ppl r killed around the world but we don't know anything abt them..
this disgrace humanity
no one deserves to die no matter how bad or good they were..
sometimes i hate the fact tht i'm a human being, so far all i do is tht i stand , watch, write and pray..
i hope i can be forgiven for tht
Rabena ye3enhom...it's so hard to live in such fear, the fear of sleeping and never wake up and the fear of losing a beloved one infornt of u...

God be with u gaza ='(

i wish the new yr wouldn't b much full of blood

Thursday, December 25, 2008

life is one big damn lie, it's funny how ppl simply walk away they would do ANYTHING to stab you from your back and lol abt it..and there is only one time "choice":

- bend and beg and be pathetic loser
- be cold harsh and tough and don't give a damn..nothing really maters
- get over it with no comment and shut up for the rest of ur life
- hate ur self forver and keep regreting tht u were even born!
- be in an endless confussion...which one u should pick

i'm totally messed up :s and now out of my mind

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The fake princess of fake

You build your own castle of sand
Full of all your dreams and thoughts
Out there you sit on your throne
You sit there all alone

The princess of fake
There she hides in her fantasy world
Behind the broken hearts
Beyond the hopeless dreams

The castle is empty,
Nothing but a garden
With the trees of black roses
And her teary, blooded sea

The place is full of solitude
She doesn't let anyone in
She doesn't show her weakness
She only shows her faking strength

Laying down under the rain
With her head under her hands
Letting no one to feel her pain
Carrying her sorrow on her back

She seems fine and everything is alright
While she's hurt and broken inside
On her throne where no one can see her
She bends and cries all night

The princess of fake
There she hides in her fantasy world
Behind the broken hearts
Beyond the hopeless dreams

She broke the habit one day
She decided to end it her way
She fell apart in her teary sea
And that was her last note
Signed as "the princess of fake"
Me…


* now i'm back on the poetry track...i just wrote tht today..and so glad i did*

Sunday, December 14, 2008

i've always thought tht writing is the best way to deal with shocks maybe tht's y most of my poems and thoughts r full of sadness..
it's the 1st time now tht i can't deal with a shock, i found my self so out of words like a numb person.
sometimes we wish tht we'd die or tht we were never born...and tht's how i feel.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

how would it feel like..
when u read in the news tht someone died in a terrible accident.
u remain stunned for a while..and u find ur self crying...and u go like" oh! tht girl was my friend at school'
we weren't so close friends...but we were friends enough tht i still have some memories.
---------------------------------------
y do ppl keep talking even after the person's death?, y can't we realize tht it's not us who should judge, it's God ppl!!!!! so leave the judging alone... who we are to say tht this person deserves to die and tht person doesn't!
GET A LIFE!

maybe she was good..and maybe she was bad, i don't care!...all i know is tht she was a human..a girl who went to my same school..and who was in my same class for 3 yrs.

انا لله و انا اليه راجعون
و حسبى الله و نعمه الوكيل

God rest ur soul heba...i'm praying for u with my heart

Monday, November 24, 2008

My talking bothers ppl
my silence bothers ppl
tht's y i wish to vanish
y can't you b there without asking for the reasons?
y can't u answer the questions ur accusing me with?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

it feels like i'm alone in a dark room with one tiny candle that glows and glooms at the same time..can anything carries a contradict to itself?
sitting at the corner with my hands on head...i can't feel more words..that's y i don't rit.
my soul is slowly turning numb.
i'm typing this as i close my eyes....(stop).....(think).....(can't find anything else to rit abt now)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

yesterday i went to my one of my best friend's wedding, she looked awesome..the wedding was gr8...and all through the wedding my mind kept recalling our old days...
God! what such memories we had...now days and yrs passed and we disappeared...then i found us gathering in her wedding...all grown up but with the same face and the same spirit.
it was amazing to c us all through these ages...still gathering.
I really love you so much, and wish you all the happeniess in the world.
thanks for bringing us up to such a gr8 event.

seeing the 3 of us once again....was a day to be cherished.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

we can be our worst enemies and those are the ones we can't defeat.
the conflict btween our inner selves is never seatled down...

Sunday, November 09, 2008

sometimes it's better not to talk abt wht bothers you, it might coz more problem..it might hurt someone
so u'd better b in ur own pain forever niether healed nor forgotten. maybe by days u'll get over it, it's only a matter of time.
it's not love tht can only hurt...but sometimes friendship's love can b even harder.
God! i'm still in my babling mood..




p.s: God knows how much i miss you.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Monday, November 03, 2008

now the world is a bit darker in my eyes..either it went wrong, or i'm the one who got it all wrong from the start.
now we r crumbling.....
i never thought it would hppened tht fast...or even happened this way.
i swear i tried...everything i could, but ur still drifting away and slipping my hands from yours.
you should have told me from the start
that you'll leave me with a broken heart.

Friday, October 31, 2008

nothing still the same, everyday we loss someone in some way...everything change around me including me...life still hurts and ppl still break our hearts.
i stop for a while and think...where did i go wrong?
i am a demanding , irritating and sometimes even boring...
i'm sorry....
maybe it's better to leave everyone alone...maybe it's time to step aside to make no more damage...everyone's happy in his own path...
i admit i can't accept some facts....i can't shut up and just watch
so my existence wont make things any good...wont mean alot
i was wrong...as uasual....
life is still life...
and i'm still babling

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I can be out of my mind especially when I'm alone, yesterday when I was about to cross the street going back home, I found myself standing for a while I just kept staring at the cars moving so fast. There was that taxi coming far away…I have no idea y I kept standing waiting till it's closer and I wondered "am I going to make it to the other side?"…I was like hypnotized or paralyzed.

So as the taxi was so close…I started running to the other side…feeling the pumping of adrenaline in my veins and sweating although it was cold…and the fast sound of lupdub.

Hopefully I made it safely to the other side of the street *Thank God* and I heard to sounds…one like a human voice saying" u nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts" and the other was the taxi horn which went along with the voice " beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb !".

I have no idea what was I thinking! Probably not killing myself, maybe I was only encouraging myself to save the money and buy a car or I thought about avril lavigne's song "nothing but ordinary" where she said "sometimes I drive so fast just to fear the danger" I wasn't really driving…but running is close too

Well isA I'll get the car in few months I won't need to do this again *I hope*

Friday, October 17, 2008

Thursday, October 09, 2008

i've already felt numb long time ago...i don't want to end up feelingless

love can be killed by love... sometimes too much love can choke love that you can't even feel it or end it up..

why there is a dark side of everything...

happ/iness....lo/ve...frien/dship

is it or is it not the dark side that is larger?
this is not the point anyway...my point is tht there IS and there SHOULD be a dark side, coz without it we can't feel the good one, we wouldn't feel happiness without feeling sadness.
it also explian the theory of GOOD and EVIL, i think life without evil would b boring that you wont be able to feel the good...
i know and babling and non will get wht i wanna say...but tht is coz it's wasn't a good day so far

i apologize if i sometimes seem harsh...but i hate it being so...it's sometime i reach the extreme...sorry that i'm human

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

wooow i finaly got paid for the 1st time ^^...i took my 1st salary yesterday, and felt so gr88888888888
i couldn't stop thinking of how am i gonna spend the money!!!

yaaaaay me!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

i don't wanna sleep coz these bad thoughts starts to appear and when i wake up i keep thinking about them.
i wish i can change them, i wish i can stop thinking about them..
i hate the fact tht i'm tht weak
i hate the fact tht i kinda lost my passion
my inspiration...
i hate the fact tht i'm almost stop writing..even my nonsense stuff

Friday, September 26, 2008

1st day at work..it's wasn't so hard...i have my own desk / laptop and even mobile..but this thing is there is nothing i feel REAL...i'm not the kind who'd site on desk..i love to move and interact with others...i'm happy coz i'm learning something new...but i know i wont last tht long too.
anyways today was...elhamdolelah...sha3'al tht's all i can say for now...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

now wht's wrong with me??? i wish i could know..i kinda feel i'm out of mind, i don't even rit like before... i guess i really want to be with myself for a while. i hate the fact tht sometimes i feel tht weak..tht weak tht i can't do wht i love...
i hate tht

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

i feel stapped...i heard the most shocking thing in my life it hit me hard with a knife.i couldn't sleep since...
i can't stop thinking
and still dont know wht to do
i can't stop crying whenever i feel how paralised am i
i never felt so weak
never thought it would come to u....my best friend

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'm so sad tht i missed a day....my school best friend's wedding...=(
it was really out of my hands and till now i'm still upset, i wish i was there catching such moment. anyways i hope she'd forgive me..
i wish u all the happiness in the world =) from my heart
and from my heart i'm saying tht i love u so much
...........................................................................................................................................................................

Flashbacks

i know it didn't ended so well btw us...but days and years made me realize tht it would take me more than tht to try to stop loving someone
we were kids..teenagers probably...we fought...we screamed..we laughted and cried.
we had bad and good days togther...both can't be forgotten
many times i open my little box and start reading our notes...everything we wrote for eachothers
school notes...
drawings....
secrets.....
cards.....

i know we r n't like b4 and no it's not coz of our silly fights,but life seems to be harder than it seems
we all change every now and then...but the best thing is that we share memories together...
and thts were i remember...

when we prayed the eid and friday togther

how happy were u when u 1st saw me with the veil

naming our crushes by mortalcomabt charachters

hanging out and riding *7antor at zamalek*

buying sweet vally high and exchanging them togther

listening to wht's now 98...eating pizza and chatting, all the 3 of us

fighing over who is going to site nxt to whom at the class

going to dream park

valentine....christmas

private lessons

crying on eachothers shoulders

Arkedia mall

LOL after big fights...*exchanging socks*

birthday gifts....*my 1st powerpuff girl*


there r alot to remember actually...alot tht make me smile and make me forget why we even cried...i dont really care much abt the past
roastry and cafeology *surprising party*
........................................................................................................................................................................
GOD! i hoped i'd join u in ur moment
and again from my heart i'm saying...i love u my friend =)

wish u can read this

Thursday, August 21, 2008

How far can the word "SORRY" heal a pain???
so many questions i wanna ask...

where the hell r u??!!!!! don't u know how much u r really missed????everybody around is searching out for u, u vanished all of a sudden ! can u tell me tht ur fine plz?? send me anything...any sign...
i pray the day i can c u in...c u happy..i need to give u some stuff...and maybe then u can vanish the way u want
i hope u could feel how much u REALLY mean to me
waiting to c u

Friday, August 15, 2008

Been away for sometimes....was ill..then my grandpa passed away...it was all a matter of time.In a second i was talking to him, the other one he was gone...it's hard to c someone dead infornt of ur eyes especially when they r close to u....
i cried..
then my eyes got dry...
then i cried again...
then my eyes got dry...
then i cried...
then my eyes got dry at least...and i thought they would b dry forever...
honestly after my grandma passing away....i couldn't feel much pain like after her death...maybe coz her death was the most effective thing tht changed our life balance...and ever since it...it made a huge change..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when it comes to people, it was pretty surprising coz not everyone as i expected was really there, esp. those who i wished to be there...
there is no reason to feel sad abt it anymore, we can't beg for feelings and mostly people appeares in hard times...if not with sympathy...with appreciating and respecting the way u feel.

i just feel sick from some ppl...

better not to start talking abt it...I'M SO DAMN SENSTIVE!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Just like every other day i wake up only not in a my best moods and i don't know why so, maybe coz i'm sick and my throat is really killing me or maybe coz i feel bit like a loser.
i want to cry so hard but my tears rn't coming out so sat down a little and turned some songs on...some islamic songs actually and as i heard tht song i couldn't hold my tears any more and i found myself crying as if i smelled a huge onion and as the songs repeats i found myself crying and crying again a non-stop crying with no reason...but eventually it made me better, the song is really awesome...by " meshary al 3arada"

مشاري العرادة
غربتي

بك يا زمان اللهو أشكو غربتي
إن كانت الشكوى تداوي مهجتي
قلبي تساوره الهموم توجها
ويزيد همي إن خلوت بظلمتي
يا قلب إني قد أتيتك ناصحاً
فأربأ بنفسك أن تقودك محنتي
أن الغريب سقته أيام الأسى
كأس المرارة في سنين الظلمة
واغربتي
**********
قد كان نومي هانئا فوق الثرى
من غير شكوى أو عزول شامت
من غير هم بالزمان وكربه
من غير إسهاد يشتت راحتي
اهاهاهاه
************

أنا في ابتساماتي عرفت ولم أزل
حتى أتاني ما ينغص بسمتي
إن أسعفتني دمعتي في فرحتي
أنزلتها طرباً لأرسم بهجتي
أو اسعفتني في البكاء مرارة
تتسابق العبرات تهجر مقلتي
واليوم أفرغ دمع عيني بالبكاء
ندماً على ما كان مني ويلتي
جفت دموعي من فواجع ما أراه
لكن صبري في الشدائد قوتي
واليوم أفرغ دمع عيني بالبكاء
ندماً على ما كان مني ويلتي
جفت دموعي من فواجع ما أراه
لكن صبري في الشدائد قوتي
اهاهاهاه

Friday, July 18, 2008

I'm happy yet crying and i don't have an idea why am i....maybe i feel a bit disappointed about my self...or maybe coz i wished for more..there is still a chance so may God helpme isA...=) elhamdolelah..Qadr Allah wa masha2 fa3al...

i am happy =)

Thursday, July 17, 2008


10....9...8...7...
nothing is better than a night meditation, clearing my stressed mind and loaded brain...i hope it work this time and i wont fall asleep.
now start counting slowly
10...9....8....
lots of thoughts start to run through my mind...like running pages of a photo album. now some memories cross along and run with the thoughts.
what happened today, what happened yesterday and what will happened tomorrow.
no! i want to clear my mind...
7..6...5.....
still thinking, wht if...tht or this and still more photos , my life is really upside down. i want to relax! and stop thinking...let's continue...
4..3.....
some old childhood memories all flashed in black and white..am i tht old ? things i've done and things i've shouldn't have done.. nnnooo just stop!
STOP!!!!!
3....2...2...2.........
sl..ee...................p

Monday, July 07, 2008


"All That I Need"



"I was lost and alone

Trying to grow,

making my way down that long winding road

Had no reason, no rhyme

Like a song out of time

And there you were, standing in front of my eyes

How could I be such a fool

To let go of love and break all the rules"


"I was searching in vain

Playing a game

Had no-one else but myself left to blame

You came into my world

No diamonds or pearls

Could ever replace what you gave to me

Just like a castle of sand

I almost let love slip right out of my hands

And just like a flower needs rain

I will stand by your side

through the joy and the pain"

Friday, July 04, 2008

At the age of 8...i started writing my diaries

At the age of 9.... i got my 1st dog "Spicy"

At the age of 10.... dad bought us a computer

At the age of 11....i wrote my 1st poem

At the age of 11.... i got my Violen

At the age of 12....i had my 1st crush

At the age of 13.... i wore my veil

At the age of 14.... i stoped shaking hands

At the age of 15.... i had my 1st true best friend

At the age of 15....i changed my clothes style

At the age of 16....i decided to change

At the age of 16....i learnt driving

At the age of 17....i entered colg

At the age of 17.... teenstuff published my poem for nirvana

At the age of 17.... i experienced love

At the age of 18.... i joined teenstuff boards

At the age of 19... i joined Istihbal as a bassist

At the age of 19....i moved to 6 october

At the age of 19...i had my 1st performance on stage as a bassist

At the age of 20...i'm graduated from colg

At the age of 21....i got my 1st amazing bass

Sunday, June 29, 2008

some ppl can hate me for saying so...but actually i'm not so excited abt turning 21...maybe coz i don't feel any actual progress in my life so far.....i don't know sometimes i feel i hate myself and wish i was never born maybe coz i can't feel i'm good enf to worth living, i know i shouldn't be saying tht...coz every creature is worth living...but i just feel so helpless and weak..afraid of can't reach wht i'm living for...i know my nafs (spirit) is nafs lawama, so i keep worrying abt every step i take...it kills me sometimes...
i guess i'm only worried abt the natiga...forget my babling...i should try and enjoy the day and look forward to wht's coming up in my life...and wish from my heart tht it wont pass like the others...useless

اللهم لا تكلنى الى نفسى طرفة عين و لا اقل من ذلك فان وكلتنى الى وكلتنى الى عيب و نقص و ان وكلتنى اليك وكلتنى الى ركنن شديد و انت يا ربى ركنى الشديد

Monday, June 16, 2008




Deeper shades of me

Feeling lost within me
Searching out for a place to be
Need some air need to breathe?
Need to exhale before I get seethed

I keep searching but I still can't find
Any place where I can run to or hide
It's not so clear I still can't see
I need to dig for deeper shades of me

Out in a big world
Nobody's hand to hold
Looking down in the sea
For deeper shades of me

Cross the mountain height
Hitting the sky in a sight
In every palm or tree
Digging for the deeper shades of me


Searched in every place
Looked in every face
Can't find my wandering soul
Can't search any more

Gone along in every far
Sparkling like a shooting star
Here it is where I lay
Between earth and sky

Hoping that I'd ever see
The deeper shades of me
SunShine
" i'm so glad tht i'm bk with a poem =)"

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Saturday, June 14, 2008

i feel angry..why can't ppl be so clear!....it's either black or white no GRAY!
they can't feel how confused and disapointed they make me ! and i hate tht!!! i'm not sure i can handle this for long so a close explosion is gonna happened really soon!
Now i'm free
graduated
no more studying
no more stress at least for a while
now i can think abt myself shewaya
think abt my life
and future...
where should i start from?
i'm happy so far elhamdolelah...
had some bad times...but standing still
can;t wait to know the results....i hate tht waiting...
isA 5eeer
"tfa2alo bel 5ayr tajedoh"..as i always say...

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

i didn't notice it was my granie's day...i didn't forget it was in june just mixed uo the days...but i heard mom and dad talking and grandpa's crying....
Rabena yer7am el game3.....
i really miss her alot...too bad tht i don't dream of her anymore...
i wished she'd see me graduating...and married...
i'm not sad...i only miss her...

My God rest her soul...and rest us in peace

Sunday, June 01, 2008

tomorrow's my graduation project discussion....
exams weren't so good
i hope i'd really graduate :s

Friday, May 23, 2008

so i'm starting my exams tomorrow isA...too close to graduating and i'm starting to accept tht i'll have a new life...i'm already preparing for it...only hopes tht it goes the way i want isA...so i need all the prayers...pray for me when u read this...
almost there...
almost reaching my star

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

part two....



yes my dear Injy was rit...it's the new rule...25pt for less than 25 kilos....50pt for more....and the driver said tht...he even took the paper from another driver to show it to us.
and tht wasn't just the problem...
tht man sitting in the front who has tht serious look on his face and dark sunglasses...the main leader of the revolution in the microbus...was actually going to medan lebanan not ramses...where the distance is less than 25k so he'd pay 25pt only...
the whole microbus kept arguing and cursing the driver...accusing him of rejecting their right...and he was saying tht it is his right...everything one was just talking abt HIS RIGHT...and there were i should end the story....
wht does actually MY RIGHT means?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

i don't know why i don't have any political views....i never read anything about politics...i even don't know wht the word mean....
l8ly the raising of the prices has been causing a big mess all over...
today at the microbus...the driver wanted 250...and some of the passengers said it's on 225...i didn't really cared tht much it was only 25pt anyways, so i was silent all the way and didn't complain...just watched the battle in peace...

~end of part one~

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

i know it's been a while...but i've been so sick...i stayed at home for like 3 or 4 days...
and as i got a little better and went out to my friend in " 7adaye2 el ahram" , as usual we finish up a bit late so i had to go home at aout 10 pm or something as i recall..however it's only max 30 min btw me and her and i went down at 8 pm...
i stood alot to ride something...abt an hour...and then came a bus.. i was like "el hamdolelah finally going home"......few mint later when we were between "el 7adaye2" and " 6 october" , the bus stopped and the driver said:
" ma3lesh ya gama3a hanzelko hena 3ashn sa7eb el 3rbia 3aweza wel taba3 hyrakebko"
actually he was lying..he just want to turn bk so he can go bk and have more passengers...coz there was only 7 or 8 guys...plus me the only gurl...
we went down...and the driver flew with the bus to the other side and left us with his assist, in the middle of nowhere...there was no a sign for anything....just the desert....
" etfadalo nos el 2ogra ya bahawat 3ashn e7na mesta3glen" he said.
well the 7 men argued with him abt the money...he wanted to give each nos geneh while they wanted geneh...*actually he should have paid the whole 125 pt coz he didn't drive us were we should have gone*
all of this happening and i was starring at them....i didn't say a word...till he came to give me the money...

i closed my eyes for a second....

and i let out a fire of words!...

i kep screaming and shouting...*i don't think i ever shouted like tht b4*

i was like " HOW R WE SUPPOSE TO GO HOME NOW...DON'T U REALISE WHERE THE HELL UR LEAVING US!".

he tried to avoid me but i went back again" YA BANE2DAM ANA BAKLEMK...ENTA MA3ANDKSH E5WAT BANAT...."

and his still want to give me the 50 pt.

and yes the men were standing still in there place watching us =)

i screamed and screamed untill i lost my breathe....

and he simply took the money and ran....

i couldn't really believe wht happened....i kept cursing and insulting then said "7asby Allah wa ne3ma el wakel"

it was the 1st time tht i feel humiliated like tht...i was just like omG...how could i be left like tht...

the men kindly calmed me down...it was funny when one of them said " dah 5ad el nos gehneh" as if it was the problem...

they kindly stopped the 1st microbus on the way too...and the was only one seat so they let me in....

and as i sat i start crying...couldn't hold my self from crying my tears kept falling like rains till i reached home...i tried to stop crying so ppl wont keep looking at me but i couldn't...

it's really a feeling i never had b4.....weak....lost...lonely and afraid...

humiliated....yes...it's hard to tell how bad it is....

i'm not writing this as me shams...i'm writing it as a girl

i'm a girl for God's sake!...

i know worse could have happened but thank God for everything...i'm blissed...

rabena yehdey el game3 ya rab...

Saturday, May 03, 2008

i actually noticed something tht's really funny
as i kept saying tht it's been a while since i wrote in my blog...well i guess i know the reason why.
i write most of my posts while i'm sad angry or frustrated...l8ly i've been very happy really so so happy...and i'm not so good in describing my feelings i mean the good ones...so when i'm reallly happy i feel i'm so out of words...my feelings r indescribable
now i'm a bit upset with no reason...crying with no reason...maybe it's the stress and i miss my dogs badly...really i miss them...

Saturday, April 26, 2008

i can finally breathe...sweet air is in. going through my hair gently making me shiver as if it's taking away my soul....
it's more liking flying , or floating softly on cold water as the waves come along and push me to the shore.
am i dreaming...
now i yawn and look out of the window..it raining...
so i pray and hope tht my dream come true

Monday, April 21, 2008

it was a nice day today....but all of a sudden i felt my eyes so wet...dunno the reason of crying...and it's worse when u don't know y.
when i got home i wished to be better...but sadly it wasn't at all.
i hate silence...i hate it when i feel tht someone is really feeling bad and still not talking abt it...i guess it's kinda humilating...no...very actually
anyways...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

i'm feeling better nowdays i changed my mood completely, i spent few days off colg
1st i went to agriculture , cairo university i spend a gr8 time with my friends there...God i missed tht kind of happinese..
today i'm writing form the AUC library...i came to watch the international day, it's really gr8 i tasted some food from KSA/ finland / North korea and i took many many pixs i guess i'll go get a tatto too.. =D i'm glad elhamdolelah i don't want to fell the stress again anyways we r almost done and exams r very soon..i'm almost done.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

God!...i'm so tired...the past few days were really terrible...i hardly take my breathe..today i burst into tears..i couldn't help it...i do my best to hide my depression so i needed to cry and let it all out....i think by the end of the week i wont feel my feet on the ground.
i wish i can rest for a few days doing nothing and nothing at all