Twisted thoughts

old random thoughts

2011-12-31T12:28:00.000+02:00

i remember that day...not the exact date but it was a new year ever. in those days we cared about nothing...we were so young we were so silly =). we enjoyed the moment. every single moment.

we were so pure like a morning dew drop we had no worries..no boundaries...no responsibilities.

i remember that day, we made a party, we played the music out loud and we colored our faces and we danced and danced ....we jumped around the house and of course we had a pillow fight =)

we were together...always together but now...i wouldn't b riting this if it was still the same.

i miss those days...i miss the feeling of childhood...i wish i can turn bk time.

i miss all the things i used to do...i always keep saying so...but i guess every phase has to end and a new one with new ppl must come.

nothing we can do except keeping those floating memories inside our hearts...get back to it when u miss it.

i wonder how things will turn to be this year...im waiting for the surprise and hoping for the best.

may 2012 become cheerful and beneficial, may God protect us and send the best towards us.

ameen

random thoughts

2011-11-13T00:28:00.000+02:00

so far u r the only one who knows wht goes in my little heart, i can't reveal whts inside. maybe coz i don't find the words. i don't know how i feel. d i feel hurt? sad? all i know is tht i'm facing an emotional disturbance.
yesterday, i felt i was going to die and i just couldn't stop thinking about death all the time.
i'm not afraid of death *i keep saying el shehada every now and then just in case*, i'm just worried of how am i going to die ?! in this year i've lost 2 of my good friends in 2 different accidents, and Sub7an Allah they ended up in completely 2 different ways.
The more i feel his love the more i feel that my end is coming. am i good enf to enter heaven??
i feel so exhausted , so helpless, i wonder when i'll close my eyes....and never wake up...

Random person

2011-11-08T19:14:00.000+02:00

he's not only a thought , he's a person..sum one i know and like calling friend =). well, i never knew tht he reads my blog i was pretty surprised,so i hope he understands tht this one is for "him".
i call him the smiley guy, for that he has a very nice msA, a smile that makes u feel the world is a better place and leave everything behind

maybe God put a smile upon ur face forever =)

Change

2011-10-31T00:36:00.000+02:00

everything is going to another direction not sure if its to the worst or better i have to c it all first to know. i thought i can do it by myself but its not tht easy as it seems. at sum point i wish i can share this change with sum one, maybe tht would add the tune to my life.
i should learn to let go of ppl, no one really stays forever as we all promise for some reason we have to walk on our own sweet way. it doesn't mean tht we r forgotten but it means tht a phase has ended and we need to move on for the next stage,
just like changing ur mobile , laptop or even look. its like closing up a chapter of ur life , box it up inside ur memory and visit every now and then when u feel tht u miss this part of ur life.
its all boxed up bad and good together and when for instant u get bk to it, all u do is close ur eyes and draw a big smile enjoying the ecstasy of getting back to it.
i don't get to do the things i used to do b4 i don't rit or read tht much and i don't even play guitar. however i started doing new things i started teaching more i started studying more and being responsible for big things.
i never thought i could b tht neither thought could b this. but i'm sure tht God puts me into it just to make me learn more abt myself to learn tht i can do things i never thought tht i can.
the more i prove my self the more i feel tht my end is really close.
i don't feel sad abt it as long as i've done wht i'm here for, i only feel missed and wonder when am i gonna c all my beloved.
maybe tht y i don't want to be alone?! maybe tht's i feel tht big empty space within me?!
well for now i'm trying to cope, i'm trying to be on my own in case if its going to be tht way =) hoping from God tht it would b otherwise and he's the only one who knows which will b best for me.

Random thoughts

2011-10-15T21:29:00.000+02:00

i believe God puts me into these things for some reasons, i'll probably know very soon isA
لا يكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها
i can do it isA since he's the one who put me into it, he'd never put me into something bigger than me =)
so since her believes me....i believe in my self as well.
i know i might be cutting many thorns on the way but isA he'll guide my way. i just can't understand few things, i'm alittle bit confused and i don't want to listen to my inner devil...i do it unintentionally and i start to have those un-real thoughts.
i wish ramadan can be here to comfort me =(

Random thoughts

2011-09-28T00:31:00.000+02:00

Few yrs ago when i started writing in teenstuff, it's was like the beginning of a new life... a starting point for a completely different phase.
it wasn't me who made tht turning point, it was the ppl i met at that time. a boy and a gurl who looked at life with a different perception, they were totally different yet seemed like twins they had one very big common thing "they've been through very hard times in their lives". i was like a little child between them, learning about life, perhaps we haven't seen each other so many times through those 7 or 8 yrs but i remember each and every time we talked or went out...
sub7an Allah, we were separated for sometimes and maybe have n't spoken in years, then after a while we had a little chat every now and then.
i've seen how much they changed and how their perception started to change, change to the extreme, they became apart in fact they even hated each others after becoming very close friends. i was stuck in between as i had a good relationship with both, in fact i had great time with each one of them.
and here they go....with a second disappearance. i didn't know tht this disappearance would be for good.
it's was really hard to know all of a sudden tht they both passed away, different timing and different place and also....different way.
it just made me feel how much God is merciful and fair, they way he made things for us, the way he teach us nothing is more sentimental than tht. i had great memories with those 2 friends, some of them r stuffed in a box, a birthday card...few picture and an old tape for the cranberries. in fact i owe them for the change they left in me...
Still breathing...
Blue rover.....
mayb God rest your soul, forgive u, and reward u with Jannah
i'll stand in the line and wait for my turn =)

Random thoughts

2011-09-16T19:05:00.000+02:00

i'm so exhausted, i don't even have time to sit with myself

Random thoughts during ramadan

2011-08-22T02:54:00.000+02:00

Elhamdolelah things are getting better it even got better than i ever expected. Somtimes u need to take ur own decisions without asking anyone's opinion Sub7an Allah God always put us on the rit track. i'm very optimistic about this year and my life begin to change already, my heart is fully open for the new phase i'm going through. and i'm expecting the best from God inshaAllah, however i learnt not to expect anything from people.
i've been wondering alot these days and especially yesterday, i cried so hard as i was praying and i screamed to God "please don't leave me, please i need ur help" i was very afraid of taking wrong decisions and there is no one else who can help me in this expect for him "God".
today i went to pray tarawe7 aat masjed al hosary, it's very peacfull there and i totally get into the spiritual mood. there was an amazing lesson for amr khaled there too, and i felt it was a reply for my yesterday prayer from Allah subhana wa taala.
as amr khaled mentioned wht he's going to talk abt, i started crying coz i felt it was specially from me. the lesson was abt "اليقين بالله" he said tht God gives u exactly wht u expect from him, if u expect the goodness, u'll find it coming exactly the way u want...and if u expect something bad, unfortunately it will come on ur way as well.
he said tht amazing 7adeth tht says: انا عند ظن عبدي بي، فليظن بي ما شاء ان كان خيراً فله و ان كان شراً فعليه
i sensed the great 7adeth and i cried when i felt God's mercy on me....he really heard me! he answered me! he sent me a whole lesson for me! is tht believable !!!!!!
i never felt more revealed, i trust God and i know he wont leave me...actually when i thumbed through the pages of my memories i realized that God never left me b4 , he was always there for me...he always made for me what i wished for.
Elhamdolelah, i thank God with every beat of heart and every breath i take...though i know it's not enf.
i'll always think good, and God will lead me to it, i wont worry or get sad coz i know he's always there for me, he;s never far away and he always replies.

A new ramadan...a new year

2011-08-02T04:28:00.000+02:00

Today is the 1st day of ramadan and i dont know y it doesn't seem like it. i feel as if we r losing the essence of ramadan. i still find it a fresh start, a new beginning for those who wants a new chance.
i deactivated my facebook and i doubt tht i'll get it bk again, i need a break and i don't want to check it every now and then.
i don't feel good now days and i feel very angry from everyone around....wht the hell wrong with u ppl ! i want to get bk to work....i'll also get bk to writing
i want to run away from life

Random thoughts

2011-07-06T22:35:00.002+02:00

The past few weeks weren’t the best for me. I’m 24 yrs still not acting like one. Sadness has been chasing me and I struggle to survive, the game is not easy and it’s still going on.

I miss being young. Back then I had nothing in my mind to care about. I didn’t understand the concept of death ,pain or responsibility. It’s weird how these 3 concepts are connected like a bonded chain, one thing lead to another.

Is it me or is this world is so weird?…ppl change in less than a second. Humans are so cruel to each other…I wonder where did all the mercy go?

Life is too short to waste it on sadness.

The dream guy in my random thoughts

2011-05-08T00:50:00.001+02:00

The one…dream guy…or simply the prince on the white horse =)

Every girl has a dream of a guy…the perfect guy or whatever we call him =D. he’s simply the man who we all wish for since the day we were born and keep on searching for him our whole life till we finally fall deeply into love.

Usually girls dream of the perfect person…the one who is as cute as ahmad ezz , tom cruise or brad pit. Or even some of us can go for the amazing Islamic figures.. sami yusuf , moez maso’od or Mustafa hossni .

We focus on searching for these guys who would look exactly like them from the outside ;) and the inside ofcorse. Then we end up with a completely freak person =D

For me I’ve always been in love with the same person, and I just miss him more and more everyday knowing that he’s out there looking for me as well.

This person is neither like actors nor like other celebrities. He’s a very special person, a one of a kind,a combination and a fix of different characters.

My dream guy is a person who.............

is as strong as sydna “Musa”

as handsome as sydna “Yusuf” ;)

as wise as sydna “Nu’h”

as modest as sydna “Essa”

as merciful as sydna “Soliman”

as tolerant as sydena “Ibrahim”

as patient as sydena “Ismaeel”

and loves God as much as sydna “Mohammed” =)

I know he might not exists but I have no doubt that God will send me the rit guy, and till he comes I’ll be a better person inshaAllah and he’ll be the best man in my eyes and ofcourse in my heart.

Random thoughts

2011-05-01T01:14:00.000+02:00

They asked me about my scarf

I said, it colors my life

It’s sometimes red

White and black

I wear them together

They become my flag

I wear it proudly,

Not ashamed from anyone to see

********

They asked me about my scarf

I said it represents me

Represent every breathe and every beat

********

They asked me about my scarf

I don’t care about what they say

I don’t mind the tough words

All I know is what I wear

Means something to my lord

Random thoughts

2011-04-30T03:47:00.001+02:00

it feels more like hitting the ground and all of a sudden u found ur self wounded so bad. yet u try getting up standing back on the ground =)
i admit being a fool sometimes, perhaps making the same mistakes again. but with every mistake we learn something, something that change our life forever...mostly make us better ppl.
i learnt to believe more in my self, to wait for the good and handle the bad. everything ends even the hard times.
i learnt to surrender my self for God, i trust him, i completely have a strong faith tht he will do the best for me. even if i don't c it clear enf =)
i learnt to give everything and do not wait or expect anything in return.
i learnt to depend on my self, solve my own problems by my self in case i couldn't find someone beside me one day. i wont wait for someone

i love life....but miss jannah!

Reality bites

2011-04-24T00:33:00.000+02:00

Someone's sadness can be the reason of someone else happiness. it's so true when Allah said
"عسي ان تكرهوا شيئاً و هو خيرا لكم"
God is really great, just wait and u'll c even if things went so bad, give it sometime...things will always turn bk on ur way

When I asked u “Allahum erzokny 7obak”, u made ur love fill my heart and I became a better person. When I said

“wa 7ob man 2a7bak”, u made me a lovable person and blessed me with amazing ppl around
me. When I asked u

for” 3amalen yokrbony ela 7obak” u gave me the super ability of making other ppl smile. Now,

I’m asking u my dear God to give me the strength to face my sadness, fears and pass the hard times.

Random thoughts

2011-04-17T20:42:00.001+02:00

Things r going upside down....very upside down. i don't know where to go, my petals r falling slowly everyday waiting for one heavy rainy day.

this is short but better than never..in my blog today i signed.

Meaningless Random thoughts

2011-03-16T00:06:00.001+02:00

Sometimes things just go in a wrong direction...in a way we never planned...in a way we never thought of b4 just coz we keep our hopes and faking dreams hanging in front of us.
we see only with our eyes...and understand things only the way we want...and every little thing would mean the world no matter how small it was.
we never tried to look out of our selves, we keep searching and searching for the perfect picture but we never c it completely till we wake up and face reality.
and suddenly......we start falling apart...asking why? how? and when?....without knowing tht it wasn't there from the beginning.
yes! it wasn't there....there was nothing there more than our own imagination. we try to put things together...search for wht's missing...and there is always something missing, and we don't understand why it was there from the beginning.
Sit bk relax...smile...it's gonna be alright...there is always this little bridge tht we build to get over things...take God's hand no one else can help u through this.
think abt wht u have better than wht u couldn't coz crying over things r a big waste of time. don't b afraid to take risks coz u'll always fall down and get bk again...and some things really worth trying...

قلب المؤمن بين اصبعين من يدى الرحمن يقلبهما كيفما يشاء

my head is gonna explode with my meaningless random thoughts =).

p.s: "أنا عند ظن عبدي بي،فليظن بي ما يشاء"

Random thoughts

2011-03-04T01:11:00.000+02:00

i miss my random thoughts,venting with wht so ever in my head. what's wrong with me?!
Subhan Allah, it's amazing how things change all of a sudden, only a simple twist of fate. yeah sometimes it's change to things tht we never wished for, but it always turns to be something pretty awesome at the end, something tht we never expect tht it would happened to us.
we might not see the sun bright at the way,but it shines at the end. after a day , month or year it still shines.
we only need some "sabr" and alot of "yaqeen" then nothing else to "lose" =)
i've been thinking alot...praying alot and crying alot..it's takes alot of guts, some time to settle things up, clarify mind and soul.
may God gives me nothing but Sabr and Yaqeen, and inshaAllah things will be alright.
inshaAllah...inshaAllah...ya rab.

Falling In Love

2011-02-20T00:26:00.002+02:00

As any other girl, I’ve been searching for love. My heart is full of emotions and feelings; I’m passionate and need to get these feelings out.

I wanted to fall in love with someone, and I tried once. But it wasn’t meant to be. I was happy that I didn’t give my feelings away in the wrong direction, and I was lucky to save the ecstasy of sharing my love with the right person, who will come right on my way.

I decided to find love where else, vent the great power of emotions. I looked for another figure of love I went through the divine world, discovered a world where the pure love is. I started to get closer to God, and by getting closer…I deeply fell in love.

As we – human- we tend to get more into the tangible things. Things we can feel with our hands see with our eyes or listen with our ears.

However when it comes to the heart and soul, we start to feel abstract things, moral things like happiness, sadness, love and hate etc.

I once read something that explained the love between the Creator (Allah) and us, and how did the whole

relationship started. It was all summarized in one beautiful verse in suret Qaf that says:

يدوَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِ نَفْسُهُ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَر
ق:16

“We have created man and we know what his own self whispers to him, and we are nearer to him than his jugular vein”

The jugular vein is one of the most important veins, which lies in our neck and gives great amount blood to the brain; it’s very sensitive and most likely what attaches us to life.

I’m not sure of the true meaning of the verse, but I felt that it meant that God is very close to us more than we can imagine, the simile shows how close we are and how much we are bonded…he created us with his own hands, no wonder he knows us pretty well.

It’s more like a mother and a child relationship, we grow up loving our parents because they brought us to life, they raised us up, and they gave us all what we need. We love them for no reason, we love them because we belong with them, and we are part of them.

We r attached with an unseen bond, no matter how we get far our natural instant bring us back again.

When God created us, he made us from earth dust, and then filled our souls with his. That’s why we are created from two parts, a part that is connected with earth and another connected with heavens and as we grow older each part tries to pull us towards it more.

No matter how far we go we always feel that something is pulling us towards God, and yes…he loves us very much he knows us all very well…because he created us, he put something from him in us.

We sometimes cry while we are praying, or when we are watching the magnificent universe around us this is the way we feel the great love within.

I felt love in this duaa:

اللهم ارزقني حبك و حب من احبك و حب عملاً يقربنى الى حبك

“O Allah, bless me with your love and the love of people who loves you and the love of things that can brings me closer to your Love”

I never stop saying this duaa, I became in love with everything and everyone, I felt as if I want to embrace the universe , I spread the love for the people who deserve, my students , my family , my friends, my teaching and my writings and even myself.

Me,after the 25th (part 3) letter from a granddaughter

2011-02-15T19:06:00.000+02:00

Dear grandpa,

I miss u a lot, well I know we haven’t seen eachother before but mum talks abt u a lot. I’m shams ur youngest granddaughter from your youngest daughters.

Ever since I was a kid I used to ask mum abt you,she told me tht u were in the military. You joined it as a volunteer and u r considered as one of the “Zobat el a7rar”. I felt so happy to hear ur stories and how u served our country when u traveled to Syria in the “we7da watneya” between Egypt and Syria.

I have a picture for you in my wallet you were wearing your military suit…I’m so happy to have it.

Actually I wanted to tell you tht I witnessed something tht I’m so proud of, so lucky to c with my own eyes and live to tell my kids abt. we had something tht changed history and added to our past series of revolutions. All the world was talking abt Egypt and the Egyptian ppl.

We finally spoke and asked for our rights, we changed the president and the regime and the whole system we even cleaned the streets. We struggled for about 18 days after waiting for 30 years.

I can tell you grandpa u can be proud of me as much as I’m proud of u, however I didn’t have the chance to take part in the revolution itself *thnx to your daughter (mum) she kept me at home and didn’t let me go,she made for us her own curfew *

I stayed at home grandpa, but I wrote notes for everyday, I wrote some articles and translated over 10 articles about the revolution know it’s not enough..deep in my heart I wished to be one of those martyrs , but I know God kept me for a great role as well. Maybe I wasn’t able to take part of the change process but I can take part of letting it go on and happened. I started with sharing in cleaning the streets of cairo.

It was a great day grandpa! Seeing all tahrir covered with Egyptian flags was awesome, seeing all ppl one hand was gr8.

I wish I can volunteer in the military like u grandpa, I became a journalist and a teacher instead lol. I believe I can reach my mission through these 2 things and I have gr8 passion for them, I’ll be able to make a change in the nxt generation..thank God I’m on my way to success wish me luck on taking noble prize.

I wish u were here grandpa, I wish were able to me now and stroke my shoulders with a smile on ur face.

I love u so much..hope u r in paradise..wait for me =).

Love,

Shams…ur granddaughter <3

Me,after the 25th (part 2)

2011-02-07T00:02:00.000+02:00

Days the passing by, the situation in Egypt is still complicated...it's getting better on the political side, but getting worse on the humanity side.

Everyone is almost fighting with each other, family members..friends..even best friends, isn't tht pathetic?

we r willing to lose everyone around just coz tht they don't agree on wht we believe on or just coz they r different , isn't tht pathetic?
we can't trust anything or anyone...not our president and who know maybe not the new one...r we gonna live in doubts forever?

we r willing to give up all the love and the happy memories...for wht? for money? for power? for a huge rage tht fill us? tht's really really pathetic.

2 days ago,i was talking to one of my friends..he was so angry and upset..i told him to cheer up and smile as it's going to be alright soon... :) he refused and seemed really down, he told me tht one of his friends who (girl) lost one of her eyes on Friday's revolution and she's living with one eye now.

-------

same day i heard another story abt a wife who was pregnant,sadly she lost her baby coz she was too tensed with the events and she couldn't even go to a doctor...so she lost it...she lost her 1st child.

-------

it's seems tht ppl r losing on both sides and eachone is focusing only on wht they can c. the only difference is the girl who went to the revolution went there knowing tht she might be dangerous, she's willing to give everything for her country and i really respect her for this :).
however the other lady,she was forced into something tht she didn't choose...and after all it's God's will elhamdolelah :)

We might be getting our rights..our freedom..but i feel we r losing other things instead. we r losing our morals and ethics.
i don't only wish for the president to change...but also the ppl's attitude...they should stop cheating, lying, humiliating other, rapping, killing , stealing, disrespecting others....
i know it's hard..but wht's wrong with trying?.
i'm not an angel myself but judge ur self b4 judging others ...there r many others things we can do other than protesting.
i would give my life to my country...i'd give everything to Egypt...but if i'd never fight against my people..no matter how bad they were, there must be another solution other than killing and cursing.
--------
to our beloved Martyrs Peace Be Upon u all and may god rewards u with Janna <3
to the protesters in tahrir...may God replace the hate in ur heart with love
to the ppl who r not in tahrir...say ur opinion as u like..but don't ever make u lose someone u love.

to my beloved Egypt...i'm sry for wht we all did to u, for wht we became

Me, after the 25th of jan

2011-02-02T22:34:00.000+02:00

It’s been a very tough week, I can’t believe tht I stayed at home for a whole week! I feel as if I’m in a big dream. I can’t believe tht it’s happening to my beloved country...my beloved Egypt.

I had mixed up feeling, worried, fear, happy, frustration and confusion. I was totally lost! Don’t know who to believe any more.

I never felt afraid like the past few days, it was more like “I’m legend” movie..when the night comes we hide in our houses closing all the windows and doors, preparing weapons beside us in case we r under any kind of attacks. All the men of our neighborhood gather outside to protect our street, I can’t sleep unless I hear their voices in the street, and still I can’t sleep.

Days were exactly the same; we wake up me, mum and dad. We open the T.V and change from one news channel to another. We call all the family and friends to check on, and some ppl call us..even my sister call from KSA every day. Some friends called me, some of my students, unexpected ppl which made me really surprised. Ppl I hoped tht they’d call but didn’t…it’s ok maybe I’m just not on their priority list.  on the bright side these events made ppl call each other and ask about each other.
Then my dad goes out for a while with the neighbors…and finally we try to sleep.

I pray every night tht the morning would come, but time moves very very slowly. Am I really dreaming? I thought how is it going in Palestine, Iraq and war countries? How do the people manage their lives their?. Do they face this fear every single day? Do they sleep on gun shots, knowing tht at in any moment someone would simply come and kill them? Feeling insecure is the worst feeling EVER. May no one would ever get tht feeling.

I cry whenever I see the news…whenever I hear tht someone was killed..whenever I feel terribly worried on every single person I know…now over 300 ppl were killed..Places destroyed…my favorite places tht hold many happy memories. It’s just so hard to c ur country falling apart…and for wht?? It’s not just abt freedom anymore!

My heart is breaking for u Egypt, you don’t deserve all of this.

Now who is going to bring bk those martyrs who died? Whether they were from the police or citizens..they r humans they r Egyptians

I want to sleep without locking the doors, I want to go out without fearing people, I want to work and hangout with my friends , laugh and go shopping , go out with my bike , make the change I wish to see in the world… i want my life back. I want my country back.

May God protect us and fill our hearts with his love.

Unspoken

2011-01-19T10:56:00.000+02:00

Unspoken

too many things I can see,

through the signs of destiny

is it illusion or is it for real?

Wrong direction? My heart is still in fear

Ur eyes r full of unspoken words

Confusion and many mixed up thoughts

We meet, we smile,

Stay silent for a while

Voices runs through my head

But none of us heard a word they’ve said

I only look through your eyes and see

Un spoken words, full of ecstasy

I can hear no more sound

No more feeling of the people around

Only silence and unspoken words

Only you and me in the world

I'm short and i'm proud!

2011-01-13T16:12:00.000+02:00

yesterday i was supervising primary 2 in an english exam. i found a little cute nice gurl, she was putting her head btween her hands and with a big sad face on her face, she was going to cry. i asked her whats wrong with u? but she didnt reply me bk. one of her friends came and told me tht one of the boy called her "SHORTY" during the break time and the others kept laughing at her coz she's short.
the teacher who was standing with me told her, just don't listen to them u know tht these boys r very silly. but the gurl was still upset.
i couldn't bear it the gurl was sooo cute and i really hated to c her sad. i went to her and sat on my knees, and i told her, "you c now i'm even shorter than u". she didn't react..." you know i've always been the shortest one among all of my friends, and they all envy me beacuse i did things tht they couldn't do!". i found her paying attention to my words...as if she want to ask "oh really like wht?". i don't know wht or how did i thought of these words..but they just came out of me sponteniously...
"well, i used to hide from them easily...and i don't hit the trees while i'm walking". i know tht sounded silly, but she smiled as i acted it to her.
"u know i'm teaching IG up stairs and they all look like giants ! althought i'm their teacher but u can hardly notice me when i'm in the class with them!". almost all of the class laughed. then the little gurls started to tell her " there are gurls who r even shorter than u!", "i'm short and i'm happy!" and the postive comment kept going on..
i'm not sure if my words made the little gurl feel better,she had a big cute smile on her face :).

Random thoughts

2010-12-30T23:57:00.000+02:00

i'm starting to make new things :
learning japanese and italian
walking and jogging...almost everyday.
anything more?

Random thoughts

2010-12-30T01:00:00.000+02:00

the weather was so nice today, it was so gloomy in the morning tht the sun didn't appear , then it rained for a while and now i can hear thunder.
most ppl find the thunder very scary, the sound makes u shiver. do u know tht this is how the sky pray?. i find it very very charming, there is an un seen beauty behind it tht makes me feel i'm strong and not alone in this world. really sub7an Allah i wish muslims can b as strong as tht sound of thunder, instead of freaking out from it lol.
my days been nearly the same, i'm waiting for some changes tht might turn my life path. i'm not sure if the path i drew b4 is still there.
God really put strange things in our way...things u never thought tht u can do or be. i started out with a dream of being a journalist i never thought i could do anything but writing. now, i'm a writer *not as i really hoped* but i never thought tht my name would really appear in any website or magazine.
i never wanted to be a teacher, i never thought i'd b able to work in a school and give some information to a group of annoying kids.
but i feel i've succeded as a nursery teacher, and so far i think i'm doing fine as a highschool teacher. it's weird tht i even enjoy it. i never loved teaching but now it's becoming a passion.
sub7an Allah when i think of all the things i've been dreaming of and prayed so hard to reach...i find out tht God made my dreams come true elhamdolelah...just few things left tht i'm sure it will come on the rit time isA.
i should b sleeping now :S !

The truth of "Having Faith"

2010-12-16T12:53:00.000+02:00

How many times u asked yourself this question, “oh God y me? What did I do to deserve all of this?” For some people problems may seem like the end of the world. When we face some problems or things just don’t turn the way we planned. We usually think that God is punishing us for being bad people. However it’s actually part of his merciful.

Sometimes we keep wondering about what went wrong or who fault was it, we search a lot for the reasons. And there are always reasons but sometimes it’s just better not to know them because it will make us feel even worse. And that’s how God is merciful on us.

“…it maybe that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you don’t know.” Surat Al-baqarah (216)

" وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّواْ شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ"

سورة البقرة 216

God knows best, and he’s trying to show us this through many things around us. But the easiest things EVER can still b the hardest EVER

The recipe is very easy:

%100 Yaqen + Taslem = strong Iman = all ur wishes will come true.

Yaqen is to believe in what you want and of God ability.

Taslem is to do what you can do and leave out all the rest for God.

In Surat “Al kahf” when prophet Musa (PBUH) was on a journey with Al-khedr. They met a little kid on their way which Al-khedr had to kill. Prophet Musa was so surprised…why on earth did it happen?! Why did he kill the little kid? What did this kid do to get killed by a strange, while he was innocently playing with his friends?

I wonder how his parents felt about it. How did they accept that their only child was murdered in such way? I guess for them nothing can be worse. They never knew that he’d be a bad person when he grows up and they didn’t know that God will give them another good child. God is so mercy, he didn’t want them to suffer, he didn’t want the little kid to suffer and that’s y he sent al khedr to kill him. Sometimes it’s better not to know the reason “why did it happen”. Only Coz God love us so much he doesn’t tell us the reason why, coz we’d feel worse if we knew.
“And your Lord is Forgiving, the Lord of Mercy….” Surat al kahf (the cave) 58.

""وَرَبُّكَ الْغَفُورُ ذُو الرَّحْمَةِ..." سورة الكهف 58

Don’t tire yourself asking too many questions just have faith that God is doing the best for you. Have faith that he loves you so much. Ask him with all your heart for what you want; he’s the only one who can make your dreams come true. as He’s the owner of everything..Our hearts..Our minds and our souls.

Random thoughts

2010-12-06T23:56:00.000+02:00

my beloved blog, i've missed u alot. i hate when i don't rit tht much i wish i can rit like b4 but it seems tht life is really taking us to another path.
i've never thought i'd become a teacher, i never thought i'd ever give up journalism. it's not tht i don't like teaching...i'm passionate abt teaching but it was never my dream.
i'm spending a hard time nowdays...i'm removing some old memories from my life for good, taking some new decisions that will take my life to another road.
i hope i wont lose my way, may God keep me on the rit track, may the angels of earth and sky guard me and lift me up when i slip.
i hope i'd stay happy, and be able to make everyone around me happy.
i hope i can rit more but i'm out of words now

Random thoughts

2010-11-11T00:41:00.000+02:00

Why do I feel that I don’t worth it? Or am I dreaming too high?, I can’t reach my sky. I feel so small in this world. Like I don’t deserve anything. It hurts to think this way.

I don’t wanna b like that. Maybe it’s just loneliness, I miss all the people who rn’t here anymore. I hide my tears and keep them till night.

I just have that big empty space that nothing fulfills. Did I exceed my own expectation or I just have my own freaking perception.

I wish to end up everything, I wish to kill these beautiful dreams, I wish I can stab my heart and stop those heart beats.

My dearest God, please help me please, I have no one else here. Totally no one else but you.

I’m waiting…

Waiting….

And waiting….

Give me the strength to carry on waiting.

Random feelings

2010-11-06T01:02:00.000+02:00

i'm sick , i'm tired..little bit sad , confused. i feel like crying, i don't wanna get weak, plz God don't let me b weak. what's the wrorst tht could happened huh?! i'm hurt already so wht's the point.
i'm still breathing, and still alive...taking part in putting a smile on every face i meet..yet can't even draw a fake one on mine.
my throat is killing me now really, i need to cry. plz don't ask me y

Random thoughts

2010-10-25T22:16:00.000+02:00

<< Story >>

i'm sitting beside the window, as it started to rain. i just couldn't stop thinking of tht day..tht day when you took me on ur silver unicorn. we flow away in the sky, and looked at the tiny earth with our eyes.

we simply left everything behind and went through our inner selves, another world.

we spoke as if we knew eachother since our life started.my scraf began to move genetly along with the wind.
actually my life really started tht day =)
i lost all the sense of time , all the sense of distance...i didn't think of anything except ur words...and my unspoken words.
my numb feelings started to grove,my heart beats as if a mountain moved.
i saw myself through ur eyes...and nothing else i need from this world =)

i wondered...r u feeling the same?
well, it's ok i don't really care, i'm satsified coz i'm sure of wht i feel

now, the moment is over u put me safly back on earth, and ever since tht day....i just sit there beside the window as it started to rain... nothing i can do except

Wishing so hard..dreaming so hard...praying so hard.....and having faith from the deep of my heart

question?!

2010-10-21T17:30:00.000+02:00

I wonder who reads my blog?!

Random thoughts

2010-10-20T14:36:00.000+02:00

some times we spend the best time in our lives, but we don't realize it untill it ends. it can eve be few moments but it means alot, in fact you can spend all the rest of your life remembering it and smiling , wondering could i ever get those days back?
maybe yes...or maybe it's better to wait for better days.
i still like how i feel these days...things r kinda going on smoothly, yes... it's better not to rush in.
i'm praying very hard
i'm praying for you my lord and u know wht i want.
the reason y i'm praying so hard for this, is tht i believe so much in wht i'm feeling rit now, i trust my choice and i think i'm ready. i trust my God and i trust my heart tht's y i'm sure tht God will answer my prayers...and i'm leaving out all the rest.

Random thoughts

2010-10-17T22:57:00.000+02:00

i just noticed tht i used to call my post, random thought-1 , random tought-2...but i don't count them any more. it seems tht they all became the same , maybe my whole life became the same.

it's depressing when it's hard to express ur feelings, words ran't coming out easily as they used to.

i was checking some pix and found this one on my way, and it's so true a simple word can heal or tear...

i wish i hear the words i wanna hear. i wish i can say many things, yet i dont know how it's gonna be if i let those words out..

oh how i wish life would b much easier than tht.

Random thoughts

2010-10-16T23:39:00.000+02:00

There r times were i feel too weak, too helpless tht i can't do anything and i simply feel tht i'm falling apart and the best solution is to shut my eyes and never wakeup.
i feel very tired, many things to do in very short time. many ppl tht i have to listen to...when no one feels my inner silent screaming.
i wish we had restart button like the computer, i'll get to restart all over agin without thinking of the old days...
when i look bk at my life i c tht i was totally different, it's not abt being better or being worse...
but some wounds remain in ur heart forever...reminds u of how much it hurted when ever u try to smile and b happy.
am i still broken?
is my heart still bleeding?
sometimes i stand on feet and let my head up high.i lay bk on the ground and stare on the sky...i look at the shining stars and i name each star with a dream of mine...but then they disappear, they simply start to vanish in the sky.
and tht's were i slowly start to crumble,i start to break down and fall apart..and think million times... was it my fault?
i don't regret anything tht i did in mylife, but i regret for not doing things tht i think i should have done...things i should've said.
sometimes i have to pretend tht i laugh...i even laugh hysterically tht my friends say..." r u crazy".
i don't understand
i don't understand anything....

Random thoughts

2010-10-09T22:39:00.003+02:00

ok so is there something wrong? with me ? maybe? i don't know.i feel kinda happy...kinda like butterflies, or even better...i feel like dipping sushi in soya sauce.
i love the way i feel now, althought i don't get it but it makes me listen to every single romantic song i used to listen to. makes me wanna dance and dream.
actually it gives me hope..it's gives me oxygen.
let's wait and c...wht's still hidding =)

Random thoughts

2010-10-06T11:54:00.002+02:00

i looked to my self in the mirror and stared alittle bit, am i weird person? am i freak? y am i stubborn? y do i hate to break the rules...
i hate to feel tht there r any gates or fence around me, maybe tht's y i lock myself into my fantasy world.
i admit i'm an awkward combination...too many things tht it's hard to be in a noraml human being...umm things like...

i love wrestling
i love pink colour
i love metal,rock, pop,rap and instrumental songs
i play bass guitar
i played violin
i love dalida and fayroz and mahmoud el essily
sometimes i listen to abu el lef and even tamora! *but i don't love them ya3ni*
i love horror movies althought i get scared sometimes...i love to scare myself
i LOVE dogs...sometimes even more than some ppl
i LOVE writing
i LOVE teaching
i LOVE cilantro
i LOVE riding bikes
i LOVE my powerpuff girls dolls
i LOVE watching cartoon
i LOVE chinese food and dresses
i LOVE reading
i hate to tidy up things...my room is a simi-organized chaoes
i love to add my touch in everything i have
i'm sentimental yet ma3ndesh dam
i love spirtual things
i don't shake hands with guys...and i'm very happy tht i don't
i love doing manythings even if i don't have the time for them
i love laying on bed,,stare at the celling and starts..thinking
i love long rides with my headphones on
i believe i'm a good driver..i don't drive like women
i love nature....esp the sea with sunset
i believe i'm a princess
i love singing yet my voice is TERRIBLE...

tht's all i can remember abt myself...now tell me who can even bear living with a person like tht! lol no one?

Random thoughts

2010-10-03T14:27:00.003+02:00

Today went in a very good day more than i've expected.
i entered 2 classes by myself for the 1st time in grade 8 and grade 9...
i kids r ADORABLE they r full of life, full of love.... they just need to have more faith...more hope and more dreams...
i loved being with them today...i felt tht they needed to vent, they need to know many thing about life more than study this and that.
Grade 8 were toooooo sweet, i can't believe tht 2 hours passed so quickly i didn't want to leave.
i asked them to rit me a feedback, and i found cutest feed back ever!
tht made me more excited and motivated...i knew tht this is where i belong.
i'm so overwhelmed tht they accepted me and loved me...
they really lifted my spirit up high.
as for grade 9 , i can deny tht i was soo worried b4 going to them, and actually the 1st hours was a total mess! i was about to collapse.
i think some of them hate me alot rit now, but by the 2nd hour things got little better, and by the end of the lesson we were all laughing from our hearts..
i loved being with them as well although it's too hard to deal with them.. they don't give any kind of expression tht u never understand their needs.
so far i feel tht i'm doing good elhamdolelah...

Thanks to u my beloved LORD i wouldn't have done anything without u.

Random thoughts

2010-10-02T15:41:00.003+02:00

God is great! reallly!!! i trust him i have soooooo much faith i know he's doing the ebst thing for me....Thank God for everything....
i was tht close to lose my mind...when all of a sudden my great lord saved me !
it was more like magic!
thank u for being my LORD...thank u God for everything...i know there r still good news coming isA
i believe
i have faith...

Random thoughts

2010-09-29T13:04:00.001+03:00

Choices can be very hard.i've been in so much confusion. i wish the signs can be more clear than tht coz REALLY i don't get it :(.
as my friend told me yesterday i should "go with the flow" i know i'm old enf to take the right decision isA. And i know tht God wont leave me hanging and will do the best for me isA...
God, please don't leave me, please give me some guide to the right way....

Random thoughts

2010-09-26T10:53:00.002+03:00

Yesterday and today r very weird...
a best friend of mine is getting engaged...another one is getting divorced
i spoke to a new friend and i was so happy to talk to....then i had a small fight with another friend and he made me sooooo angry...
and today... i felt so embarresed! i got a groom from work :S omG i wished i would disappear, it all started when one of my friend teachers came and told me tht she want to speak with me, and i found her asking me on our way "r u engaged?, r u in a relationship?". and i was like " :S no?!".
then it all came out..i found one of the parents *who i met b4 coincidentally out b4*
and she simply told me: " miss shams...do u remember tht day when we met at hyper one? i had my brother with me and he really liked u alot, do u mind if i took ur mum's number".
i had tht look on my face tht says:"HUH!?". :D and i kept saying things like" mesh 3arfa" and " let me tell her 1st" and things like tht but she insists on taking the number so i gave her my sister's number...i was really to shy to her " no, thanks i'm not so interested".
plus i don't even remember seeing a guy with her tht day! how come he saw me and liked me all of a sudden!
ummm it seems tht alot of things will happened soon (rabena yostor) :S

Random thoughts

2010-09-21T23:27:00.003+03:00

How good can "chances" be?, i think best things come by chance, but do they vanish so quickly after living u in the most amazing feeling ever?.
i still can't sleep and wht surprise me is tht i go to work looking so active.
it's weird how things happeneds all of a sudden.
i wish i can sleep today..i wish i can stop thinking...
will i ever live to b a mother?? and i wonder how i'll b like? am i going to be strict? am i going to b too open minded? or just something in between..
how's my prince charming will look like? is he going to be a REAL man? someone i can depend on, someone who can embrace me? is he going to share mylife and my crazines, to b my other half, to be my soul mate. to make me feel i'm a princess and a little spoild gurl when needed..
r we gonna travel the world together? do activities together?, i'd let him enter my special world and i'd be into his.
i know life wont b too pinky....but i hope we can get over everything on our way...no matter how bad things went...we still have respect, dignity and loyalty for eachother.

dear my mr annoymous...i know tht u r there and i'm not sad tht ur not here yet. i just miss u alot and would love to tell u tht. take ur time u don't have to rush in, coz when ever ur ready i will b ready too, just dont hesitate knocking my door :)
God bless u

Random thoughts

2010-09-21T00:44:00.002+03:00

things r getting well so far Thank God =) i LOVE being with the IGCSE esp grade 7 and 8...grade 9 kids r a bit....naughty brings me bk to my highschool days.
as i was correcting some essay today i found one which was so unique and funny =D i couldn't stop laughing when i was correcting it!.
it was by an american student his name is Jibrel , they were suppose to write an essay about their 1st day at school and this is wht he wrote:

"today i woke up at 6am to find my little brother putting on his clothes by my sister...i went to school and we had math the teacher told us abt school and stuff
*then we had physics and the teacher went bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla so i slept
*then we had break and i slept
*and came back and had english
*and the teacher told us to write a essay
*and this is wht i wrote
*"today i woke up at 6 am to..."

seems i'm going to have one gr8 year isA =D

Can't sleep? humph

2010-09-21T00:35:00.003+03:00

I wish i could know wht's wrong :(...i hardly sleep at night...i think i had an astral projection for 2 straight days....i wish i can know wht's really happening !
1st i fall deeply asleep then i feel tingles in all over my body and i feel paralised tht i can't move...can't open my eyes...can't say a word.
and if i succeeded in opening up my eyes i go bk to the same thing all over again..
when it happeneds i feel my whole body is too heavy and my heart beats start to b too fast ,i start to see transparent objects. i'm not sure wht r they..is it my body?
i just get really afraid...and feel as if i'm dying.
i wish someone can tell me wht is tht exactly :(.
this feeling is like bittersweet...it's too scary but i kinda don't want it to end

Random thoughts

2010-09-06T15:50:00.002+02:00

it's too easy to fake others and pretend tht ur ok when ur not.simply coz u r dead sure tht the other person doesnt care ,no matter how many times he kept saying "how r u?" " r u ok?"...
even if u "talked abt it" no one will really undertsand.
i feel my ending is getting closer , doesn't mean tht i'm dying in real life. i mean tht i'm dying in some ppl's hearts...it's considered as an ending to me coz i'm sure they will never be the same again.
am i ever gonna end up by myself? wondering, where is everyone? what went wrong? and why does everything end up so fast? was it my fault or i was too stupid?
i'm lying on bed coz of sickness...i got very few calls from ppl who were suprised tht i was really sick!.
it's weird tht ppl try to make u more happy when u r already happy, but they never try to make u even smile when u r deeply hurt from inside.
ramadan is almost over, i wish i can get the best out of it in these very few days.

Dear God,
plz forgive me for everything i did in my life...u r the only one i can trust...u r the only one who is there for me all the time even when i went wrong, when all the ppl judged me for being who am i.... u r the only one who accept me they way i am and love me and giving me everything i ask for.
Thank you

Random thoughts

2010-08-11T00:50:00.002+02:00

today is considered the 1st night in ramadan..it really didn't go as i wished, seems tht it's time to fall apart for a while.
i feel lifeless....pathetic... looking forward to a better tomorrow...looking forward to a better ramadan...and looking forward to c my eldest sister very soon :) isA

Reality bites

2010-08-09T01:31:00.002+03:00

today and yesterday wasn't so good for me, i really feel so bad... i'm on the edge of losing a gr8 friend of mine simply coz i'm telling her the truth..
it might be hard to listen to wht u don't want to believe. but i guess it much better than building fake hopes and living a big lie.
anyways, i think i'll go for wht's right...i'm not that kinda person who compliment others just to make them feel better...
maybe one day she'll understand...or maybe she'll remain hating me forever..

Hijabi Bassist Rocks Cairo

2010-08-07T23:59:00.002+03:00

Before getting up on stage, Shams Ahmed makes sure her hijab and pin are properly in place and checks the guitar straps so they don’t get stuck in her hijab.

Ahmed, 23, English teacher, freelance journalist and bass guitarist is part of a band called MetalloidZ. She formed the band with her friends in Cairo, Egypt.

“We started three years ago,” she said. “We were making the band for fun then we started to [make] it be more professional.”

MetalloidZ has performed at several shows and concerts. The songs are all in English. The band members, with Shams Ahmed playing the bass guitar, also include: Mohammed Anwar, rhythm guitar; Mohammed Shazli, lead guitar; Islam Taha, drummer; Seif Al-Islam, vocalist and Radwa Anwar, keyboardist.

“Most of the songs are life songs. We try to make the songs to have a certain point not just some lyrics,” she said.

Their most recent song is titled “One,” which talks about the thoughts that run through one’s head when praying to God. They composed a total of seven songs and hope to sell an album in the future. Some of their songs are on YouTube.

Ahmed learned to play the guitar when the group started forming the band. She played the violin a long time ago and was inspired to play the bass guitar when her friends told her about the band.

“I never thought I would play bass guitar because it’s not girly at all,” she said.

Wearing hijab (or headscarf) and playing the guitar is an anomaly to many. The keyboardist, Radwa Anwar, also wears hijab, but joined the band recently.

“People ask me, how come you’re veiled and you’re memorizing Qur'an, but at the same time you’re [in a band]. It’s not related,” Ahmed said.

Although her family is supportive for the most part, some a few of her friends criticize her.

“Maybe if God knows what I’m doing is wrong, [then] maybe he would prevent me from doing it or give me any kind of signs,” she said. But I think it’s okay especially because we don’t just write songs, we want to make something with a purpose; not just singing and that’s it. We are all respectable to each other.”

Others think that her being a hijab-wearing guitarist is inspiring.

“The audience finds it pretty much interesting. Even when I talked to the students I teach they were so impressed that I play guitar and wear [hijab] at the same time. They’re like “oh wow you play guitar and wear a veil at the same time.” I gave them a positive way to think about hijab. You don’t have to be narrow-minded and do just little things while wearing hijab.”

Ahmed believes her band is special because she dons hijab. Her friends from London and the U.S. also support her.

“They like the idea that I don’t have to change my life: I don’t have to wear tight clothes and put make up and go crazy with my head to play music. [It’s] very nice to know you’re doing something different than others. Other bands in Egypt have girls-- it’s not special, just like any other band. But we’re special.”

An issue she thinks about is how males might perceive her, since it’s not culturally acceptable for a female, let alone a female wearing hijab, to be in a band. She said that when she gets engaged in the future she will have to think of a way to convince her fiancé to let her continue playing with MetalloidZ.

“I’ll try to convince him by playing him a song,” she said.

this article was written about me by a dear friend of mine aya khalil ^^, thnx aya for making me famous!
here is the link of the article
http://www.illumemag.com/zine/articleDetail.php?Hijabi-Bassist-Rocks-Cairo-13198

Inspired by "lovely bones"

2010-08-01T22:14:00.004+03:00

I had a dream
I was drowning in a stream

I woke up with no pain

My body was in vain

But I can easily move around
Searching through the crowd
Waving my hands up high
Trying to make any sign
screaming out loud
But my voice vanished in the crowd
seeing people like flying ghosts
Walking through a fig, I'm totally lost
seeking any place to go
Where am i? and why am I here ?
I don't know
I'm still moving with the flow
Searching for some land
For someone to reach my hand
For some where safe and warm
Some place that I can call…."home"
I can see it far away,
Where I stand at the edge of earth
Crossing the horizon
Till the other side of universe
Getting closer, getting near
Seems I'm almost here
In the perfect world
I finally reached heaven
I'm finally… home

:) i just wrote that today but it's still nameless i was inspired by the movie "lovely bones" it was one gr8 movie that i'll always remember

Random thoughts-17

2010-07-28T02:31:00.002+03:00

my feelings r really confusing me...i don't understand anything.
but i feel my life is changing..better things r coming my way isA. i feel my life has a meaning.
all these pictures inside my head....all these thoughts i want to write.
i really wanna start...i wanna b bk...isA expect my new long post by tomorrow... :) i'm excited already!

random thoughts-17

2010-07-15T22:32:00.003+03:00

i'm so happy coz almost all of my best friends got married , i'm soooo excited to c their little bitty kids ^^.
and as usual...ppl and mum can't stop saying "3o2balek" for 1019272639302846 zillion times.
i just believe tht my time will come one day when i'm ready. it's a life time and choices should be taken carefully.
i'm not a normal person and obviously i need a weirdo like me =).
so far no one really grabs my attention , although i know many ppl around...but so far no one really meets my freaking inner self
humph.....

Random thoughts-15

2010-07-13T00:24:00.002+03:00

is it silly to feel tht u want to disappear for a while , just to c if there any one will miss me ?
i hate facebook
i hate msn msngr.
i'll take a big break from both...

When i was young

2010-07-06T00:07:00.003+03:00

few days ago we took this song at the teaching course it's very very interesting, we all loved it...i'll leave u with the lyrics of the song...

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deepfor such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learnedI know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.Won't you sign up your name,
we'd like to feel you'reacceptable, respecable, presentable, a vegtable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,the questions run so deepfor such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

the logic song by supertramp

23 yrs ago...

2010-07-01T00:20:00.002+03:00

23 yrs ago i came to this world, i wish i can remember my 1st days as a baby and how it felt like to open my eyes on many ppl smiling...
when i asked my mum why did they call me shams ?. she told me tht i was born with the sun rise and there was a song on the radio for farid el atrsh i guess called " shams el aseel" or something like tht...so my dad picked the name shams.
thank u dad :)
i didn't really expect to get so many happy birthday wishes. it was gr8 to see all these ppl..my friends...my band...my family and even my students, i loved the "happy birthday miss shams" ^^ i'll never express how it made me feel.
i admit being 22 was really gr8 i really loved it...i did many things.
-i joined one of the most great organizations AYB.
- there i knew many gr8 ppl i really respect and appreciate them all, so glad to call them..friends.
- i was a teacher of 19 cutie-devil kids...i'm so proud of them and i ADORE them.
-i finally joined the IG department and i think i finally found my way, although i struggled but i think i'll do gr8 isA.

i need to go to bed now.

Random thoughts-17

2010-06-10T21:06:00.002+03:00

i think i'm back to astral ! yetserday a gr8 feeling of vibration just like i used to when i used to astral project. it was very hard tht i was scared to death, i woke up from my bed and went to sleep beside my mum lol. it's was a really weird feeling...feeling ur whole body paralized...ur eyes r half opened half closed....and ur pretty aware of every little thing around u...and ur feel scared coz u feel like dying...u try to wake up and u can't open ur eyes...
amazing....i wish i can stop waking up...

Random thoughts-16

2010-06-08T23:43:00.002+03:00

i miss writing so much, sometims i feel tht i'm going alittle bit far of my dream. it all started with writing and end up with teaching. it not tht i hate teaching but i have my other plans.
anyways rit now i'm trying to go to the IG dep. at the school i'm working at. i am really struggling and facing lots of problems coz of tht. they think tht a 22 years old like me can't deal with older kids...and i'm looking forward to change this idea isA.
my mum is sad coz i'm not engaged till now :( and she feels i don't want ot get married coz i keep refusing the past few grooms. it's not tht i don't want to, but i still can't find the person tht i can spend my life time with...the person who can love my weird freak character as it is and enjoy my craziness
i know i'm stubborn and silly and want to make lots of things in short time and tht's almost impossible. but, this is me...yes i'm tht perosn.
i'm a weird character...yes...
i'm a girl who loves her veil, trying to be close to God as much as i can, i'm memorizing Quraan as much as i can. yet, i love music..love being with the band..metal and rock r her best genre. another side simply loves mahmoud el eseily , monier and sometimes even amr diab.
the only sport i like is wrestling and always wanted to play kick boxing...and LOVES doing yoga.
although seems quite and innocent...i love horror movies, i got my self a bike...and yes i ride it outside the house.
i don't like cats like most of the gurls, i'm in love with DOGS...and i don't put on make up even when going to interviews..
i like doing everything and trying everything new.....i wish i can take noble prize one day... have my own magazine...and i also added improving education in egypt in my plan :).
it's hard to bare all this and i think egypt is out of extra ordinary guys
... lol although it's me but i wouldn't like to live with a person like tht :D

Random thoughts-15

2010-06-05T01:20:00.002+03:00

today was really so weird although i was so happy and had so much fun...i brust into tears at the end of the day.
i feel my life is only a waste of time, i hate to be tht frustrated but my life been a totally messed up. i'm torned btw too many things tht it makes me so confused. i'm not sure if teaching is my field or shall i try something else. right now all the doors r seems to be closed in my face.
i wish i could a journalist as i've always wanted to be. i'm really happy with my writing as a freelance...but i was waiting for much more...riting interesting articles...being wanted by international magazines....having my own column and having my own magazine one day.
i'm almost 23 and still in the middle of nowhere, i wish i could reach wht i want in a very young age.
nothing is impossible, but sometimes life stuck things in ur way and u have to take sometimes to stand on ur feets.
right now i feel i should whtever i'm doing and have a big break before my negativity ruine others....
please God please don't leave me

random thoughts-14

2010-05-09T19:49:00.002+03:00

all of a sudden i feel tht the world is big for me,

i feel so little , actually so tiny.

my dreams with my hopes, keeps flying away.

my heart and my mind keeps me in confusion, utterly.

i feel so weak against my fears.

my passion gradually disappears.

it seems i'm a bit frustarted, i know

almost everybody been telling me so.

i didn't mean to come out with this as a poem

but my hands kept on rhyming

as i sit sleepless till dawn

this might be stupid..might means nothing at all

but it's only my random thoughts...before i starts to fall.

random thoughts-13

2010-04-24T01:39:00.002+02:00

i'm so sleeeeeepy i had one big gr8 day...bas i'm happy :) still confused but happy. i went back home to my sweet home embaba (L) today. it's gr8 to have those flashback every once in a while. i really wanna finish this yr ba2a :( and rest! can't wait till may !
i feel i'm getting weirder every day lol and ppl just can't stop talking abt it. and i really don't get me sometimes...it's like i'm doing very random - un related things to the what ever . that makes me one freak akward character :D.
i don't know where am i going...bas i don't want to drift away....i hate building hopes esp when i know tht it's 150% not gonna work. i admit i do hang with very thin strings.
i really didn't get anything from wht i'm riting now....i'm just laying on my bed with the laptop on a pillow and letting my random thoughts out before i go to sleep...and now i should really sleep coz i'll wake up early again :'(

Random thoughts-12

2010-04-20T00:06:00.003+02:00

my life have been so confusing...i hate beeing busy! grrrrrr it's been a long while since i wrote a good poem :( or even an article.
i started to do more things in my life...keeping my mind busy busy....but i still think and sometimes bad thoughts control my head. i miss those days when i used to have happy dreams and thoughts before sleeping..
and once again a question pop into my head.. who am i? and wht am i doing here?

Radom thoughts -11

2010-03-27T22:43:00.003+02:00

Today was a very happy day :) elhamdolelah...i'm sooooo lucky to have such parents.

i can't believe i finally made a dream come true, i finally got a bike...a cute, purple, pinkish one..

i wasn't planning on buying any today, i was only going to pass by...but i saw it and was so in love with..it's like it was calling me to buy her...*yes i treat my things as pets*.

many ppl told tht i'm too old to ride a bike in the streets and some of them even made fun of me...but they never knew how much i really love the feeling of getting back to childhood, the feeling of running fast and fast till i feel as if i'm flying. and the fresh air hit my face and flirt my hair.

i'm sry to tell u ppl...but i don't give a damn abt wht u say...i don't care if i'm a gurl or a boy...if i'm old or young...

it something tht makes me extremly happy...and tht wht really matter to me...

i love u my new bike...i love you u sushi *tht's wht i called her* :)

Random thought -10

2010-03-22T23:08:00.002+02:00

Mother's day was so quite this year, but i got my first present from one of my children in the class. it was really cute as i never got a present on mother's day...it made me think for a while..."am i ever gonna be a mother?".
actually i'm glad of my job as a teacher this year i never thought i can deal with kids who r only 3 and 4 years old.
on this mother's day, i miss my granie the most...tht angel who used to care abt me the most.
of all the ppl...i know she the most person on earth who really truly loved me and cared abt me.
i miss my dogs so much, they were the only creatures who made me trust them.
i have a great feeling of depression , i want to go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay and planning on it isA.

Random thoughts-9

2010-03-06T20:32:00.000+02:00

U told me once tht we would reach the end, and here we are we got there so fast. Too bad we have to get old and busy.
U were so just DAMN true , I know u stopped reading my blog coz ur so "busy" but maybe if u passed by coincidently u'd know tht this post was for U.i miss u my friend.

Random thoughts-8

2010-02-15T02:34:00.002+02:00

i wonder where did the ppl who care abt the inside more than the out side go?.
ummm... resently i've realized that i'm really blessed, i thank God for making me the way i am, for giving me such wonderfull things...such brain...such soul...such heart.
i'm much better than many other people around the world..i have my eyes..my lips...my hands and legs, i can read, write , communicate , learn and feel...many many things to mention.
i'm so happy and pleased with everything i have...really "elhamdolelah".
i'm happy i wasnt born beautiful or rich or famous.
my friends loves me the way i am...my dogs loved me...my parents and family loves me, and most of all if God didn't love me , he wouldn't have created me.
too bad some people judge us for not being what they wanted us to be.For God's sake try to use your minds clearly.
Thank you my lord for giving me everything i need and for surrounding me with such amazing peopl and angels , i hope i worth all of this.

Random thought-7

2010-02-12T02:17:00.003+02:00

i've been thinking alot latly,i don't know why i still think of you as if i lost you yesterday.anyway after letting it on more time *and i hope it's the last* , it's seems better to keep it tht way. thinking that we didn't belong in this world, nothing we can do except for moving on keeping our memories boxed up safe in our hearts. letting it out whenever we feel tht we miss eachothers.i don't wanna waste my life thinking "was it really meant to be or not" coz if it was it, u'd probably still b here.
i'm glad with the person i am now, despite the bad side, but u left me a part of u tht grew up within me.
i wont wonder if this thought is the same to you or not, but i'll believe it is even if it was a lie.
now good night my beloved memories, it's time to get back inside the box.

تستاهلي!

2010-01-21T23:08:00.004+02:00

تحمست كثيراً عندما عرفت انه كاتبها هي...فاطلما احبتت قراءة مواضيعها لما تتميز بقوة و جرأة لم التقي بها غير مره واحده فقط لكني وجدت انسانه رقيقه و جميله حبوبه للغايه تحدثت معي و كأنها تعرفنى منذ الصغر. لم اكن اتخيل ان تكون هذه الفتاة الجميلة تستطيع كتابة هذه الموضوعات بهذه الجرأة و شدتني كثيرا مدونتها التي تتحدث عن التعذيب فى مصر!

بدون مبالغه ...اعجبت بها جدا و اتخذتها قدوه لى فهي فعلاً تستحق ان تكون مثل اعلى للأخرين.

انا حقا ادين بالكثير لها، فهي اول من ساعدنى فى طريقى الى الصحافه و اول من عرفني بالمجله التى فتحت لى ابوابها. قد لا نكون قد تعرفنا الى بعض بشكل كبير حيث اننى لم اقابلها الا مرة واحده فقط...لكنها وثقت فى و فى قدراتى وقدمت لى كل وسائل المساعده كانها تعرفني منذ الصغر..

هي حقا جميله...من اجمل الاشخاص التي قبلتها فى حياتي...و سعيده جدا انها كانت من الذين مروا بحياتي و تركوا فيها تأثيرا عميق.

انتظرت يوم حفلة التوقيع بفارغ الصبر...لاننى افتقدتها و فعلا كنت اتمني رؤيتها. مر اليوم سريعا و لكن الطريق كان طوييييييييييييل فا وجدت نفسي الاحق الجزء الاخير من حفلة التوقيع...و اخيرا وصلت و كنت فى اشد السعاده برؤيتها بالرغم من انها لم تكن اكثر من 10 دقائق....لكني كنت فى شده السعاده لرؤيتها.

الحقيقه كان يوم حافلاً! فكانت اول مرة ان اقابل صديق لى لم اراه من قبل...و اعتقد انها سوف تكون اخر مره فقد انتظرني حفظه الله لمدة ساعه و نصف تعرف فيها على كل معالم وسط البلد السياحيه!.

لم استطيع الانتظار حتى وصولى للمنزل و قراءة الكتاب...فا قررت قرأته فى رحله العوده الى المنزل و عندما فتحت اول صفحه ابتسمت على وجهى ابتسامه عريضه عندما قرأت الإهداء التى كتبته لى....

لم اكن اتخيل ان يكون الكتاب مثير لهذه الدرجه حيث اننى انتهيت منه فى نفس اليوم...

لم يكن كتاب عن السياسه المصريه او الصراخات النسائيه...

لكنه كان قصص قصيره للاطفال و الكبار...يأخذك الى عالم الطفوله الجميله البريئه...فى كل قصه ترى نفسك فيها و تأخذك الى الماضي. و فعلاً رأيت طفولتي فى كل قصه كتبتها و أخذنى خيالى الى العالم التى طالما احببت العوده اليه.

اكثر قصه اعجبتنى هى قصه الله...و هى القصه الاخيره. فا فى شكل طريف تتحدث عن فهم الاطفال لعمليه الخلق و سؤالهم السؤال المعتاد..."انا جيت ازاى" فذكرتني بنفسى و انا اسئل نفسى هذه السئله لكن لم يستطيع احد ان يرد بجواب مقنع حتي كبرت و فهمت معنى الحياة....

الى من يريد الهروب من عالم الكبار و الذهاب الى دنيا الاطفال ...كتاب "تستاهلى" هو بوابه لدخول عالم الماضي.

صديقتى الجميله نهى عاطف...انتي بالنسبه لى جزء من كل شئ جميل فهذه الحياة...انا اعرف ان كلامى هذا قد لا يعني شئ...و كنت فى بدايه كتابتى انوى التحدث الا عن الكتاب، لكن وجدت يدى تنطلق بدون تفكير فى كتابه هذه السطور المتواضعه..

حفظكي الله و اتمنى لكى كل التقدم لأنكى تستحقيه....

أحمد صلاح...اشكرك و اعتذر عن "اللطعه"

ملحوظه: سامحونى على الأخطاء الإملائيه :)

Random thought-6

2010-01-11T18:57:00.002+02:00

i feel like i wanna be alone, it was a weird day actually. i woke up smiling on a very dear friend msg, although i don't feel i deserve what she said to me... i feel i hate my self to the extreme.
i wanna close my eyes and b somewhere else, i wanna sleep and never wake up.
i can't stand myself sometimes and can't even stand the world around me.
rit now i feel like crying and feel i miss some things from the past.
i need to go now, have loads of work to do but i'm glad that i had sometime to vent.

Random Rhymed thoughts1

2010-01-09T02:16:00.002+02:00

sometimes i have few thoughts running through my head
so i write these words before i go to bed
the weird thing is....it sometimes rhymes...

It's been years since we were done
I'm sorry
But your pain is not easy to over come
I don’t know if I can ever forgive or forget
But it kills me whenever I regret
I don't know what I'm waiting for
sometimes I wish to love you once more
Years come and go
We have changed
And I realized that I'm becoming *you*
In everything you say In everything you do

Random thought-6

2009-12-14T00:16:00.002+02:00

i don't know why i don't rit my diaries anymore, maybe coz i got my blog or maybe it's a matter of time or maybe it just coz i don't want to carry on from where i stopped. i think i'll try to open it one more time it a treasure of memories since i was in primary school.
i can still remember the 1st thing i ever wrote , and my 1st diary book...
i have so many plans to do for 2010....i'm looking forward to travel isA, i've decided i'll quit schools and take journalist as a career for living...i need to read more and rit even much more.i'm happy with were i'm starting , i'm meeting new ppl , making new connections and even writing in ARABIC i'm actually glad coz i did so.
i wish i can write many poems as i used too =(. i have no inspirtion lately and i need to astral project like i used too...
there is r so many things i want to do again like the old days, maybe it would bring my old soul back again..
it's not tht i hate my soul now, but i feel as if i got along with reailty world more than my fantasy world and it's redusing my creativty and transparancy.

the bouquet catcher

2009-12-02T04:27:00.002+02:00

i love weddings! especially when it’s one of my close friends. when ever some one is getting married form my friends or family i just love to pop and hop and help the bride with everything. u’d say it’s more like the movie 27 dresses…

I've always dreamt of the greatest weirdest wedding ever and in every wedding i attend i add something from my dreamy fantasy wedding as if the wedding is mine…

however, when it comes to the time tht the bride throw her wedding bouquet and all the single ladies try to catch it, i stand at the very back or try to miss this event.

i don’t know but i never stand to catch the bouquet..maybe coz i dont like to catch up with the lady and fight over the flowers…or maybe coz i’m afraid of getting married, even though i dream of it but i still have a strange fear inside me,

it’s silly i know, the *catching the bouquet* has nothing to do with it, but if i ever really caught it i’ll feel i’m under the spot light as if it’s saying “hello guys there’s a single out here*.

and of course people will start talking ‘ ohhh rn’t u gonna get engaged?”

then if i got engaged they will go like “ ummm wht’s taking u so long when r u getting married”

then after marriage they’d probably say “ rn’t u pregnant ? don’t u think it’s time to get a baby?”…

lol and so on till ……..i don’t know !

actually if i ever caught the bride bouquet, i wish i’d find the one right infront of me…like fairy tales, where he appears out of the nowhere and we simply look into each other eyes deeply and dance together as we have known each other from long time ago…and walk together till we disappear from the crowd and sit and talk

---------------

yup i know i’m a dreamer but i enjoy my dreams

Random thought-5

2009-11-29T03:17:00.002+02:00

it's 3:20 am and i'm suppose to sleep...but i thought to visit my blog and rit something . anything tht cross my mind.
i'm listening to a meditation music, it takes me through my fantasy world.
a world with no limits or boundaries...
tht's it i'm going there leaving my real world behind

2009-11-02T01:04:00.002+02:00

صــــــــــــــــحافـــــــــــــــــــــــــة

ص: صور و صراحة

ح: حقائق و حرية

ا: اسئلة و اجابات

ف: فلوس قليله

ت: تحقيقات جريئة

Random thoughts-4

2009-10-31T23:04:00.002+02:00

i miss writing so much, i hate being so busy with work there is so many things tht i wished to write abt but sadly the ideas simply run away…

i’ll try to rit anything, everyday before i sleep so i wont lose contact with my dear blog.

lol its been a while since i wrote nonsense.

wooow the year is almost over GOD! i’m getting old !.

i miss all of my grandparents but my grannies the most esp. my dad’s mum.

i miss my dogs and wonder if they r still alive.

sometimes i miss my old house.

i miss the time i used to spend with my best friends.

i miss my cousins,

sometimes i miss studying…..but i do miss my colg days so much.

i miss my old computer….but i love my laptop.

i miss writing poems and i miss reading.

i miss my sisters

i miss holidays

i miss teenstuff boards and paradigm shift group.

i miss my violin but i love my bass alot

i miss chatting

i miss my friends , my band, my school and colg mates

i miss my young bros seif , shazly , islam , kaz , roar

i miss enjy , mero , hagar , aya , dina , sarah M, nema , nada , karima , rania , youmna , maisa , sarah O, rody

i miss saad and nicky

i miss my soul mate moda

i miss some other people…

i miss the way i used to b, i miss my self and feel i want to embrace myself

……….

i gtg coz i’m waking up early for work

one of those days 1

2009-10-12T23:45:00.003+02:00

i feel like i miss everyone around me, i don't know why.
i had a bad day at school....actually today was so bad tht i wish i can forget it, but will i ever do?. i hate myself being so sentimenatl, it's tiring.
i can't stop crying...as if i never cried before or maybe coz i haven't cried tht much in while.
i have lots of work...it's good to b busy though.

what a day....

Hunted by the past

2009-09-30T17:52:00.007+02:00

Going around in a circle
Looking for an end
I found a box of memories
Flashbacks inside my head
In every time I close my eyes
An old scene is back to life
An old picture of you and me
Was drawn once by destiny

Laid back upon my fears
Closing my eyes
Wishing it would disappears
I still see you even in my dreams
Whenever I blink, whenever I sleep
Still feels you within so deep
Why am I still hunted by you?
After all years that we passed through
Going around in a circle
Stuck within the past
Looking for salvation
Nothing worth to last
Losing my memories, I hope
It's hard for me to coup
So,Leave me for good, please
Let my heart rest in peace

Ramadan 2009

2009-09-20T05:33:00.002+02:00

i can here the eid prayers from the window"Allahu Akbr...Allahu Akbr....La ilah ila Allah...."
....it was one great ramadan , too bad it went too fast =(.
it was soooo chearfull and spiritual and so full of positivity...

- i went to E7na Iftar, i saw Marwa Rakha :)
- my 1st article was published
-i knew tht an old note will b published isA.
- i started my TEFL course.
- i was able to make a dear friend of mine happy (thank God)
- i was able to help a friend of mine in her career (thank God)
- i got closer to God.
- i'm much happier and thankfull elhamdolelah.
- i started to love myself a little bit.
- i over came some old stuff.
- i feel as if i'm starting a new year :) *3ala ra2y a dear a friend of mine*

i hope i remain like this forever isA.....ya rab thabetna :)

مطلوب سكرتيرة

2009-09-06T15:01:00.002+02:00

هل ممكن ان تتزوج من سكرتيرة؟...
سألت بعض من الشباب هذا السؤال و أجاب الكثير منهم بالرفض...
فدائماً صورت لنا المسلسلات و الافلام دور السكيرتاريه على انها فتاة عازبه لها مواصفات خاصه مثل الدلع فى الكلام و الشياكة فى اللبس و المياصه فى المعاملة مع العملاء ،قد يتزوجها مديرها (عرفى) او تكون هناك بينهم علاقه بدون زواج على الاطلاق. فى مقابل طمعها فى امواله او رغبة منها فى حياة اكثر رفاهية او لانها (على نيتها).
لذلك نجد فى إعلانات الجرائد و المجلات الإعلان كالتى:
"مطلوب سكرتيرة (حسناء المظهر) ، تجيد التعامل مع الاخرين ، خبره او بدون". لكن عمل السكرتيرة لا يقتصر فقط على ارسال الفاكسات و استقبال المكالمات او عمل الشاى و القهوة للمدير، غلبنى الفضول فى التعرف على هذه المهنه اكثر و هل هى حقاً كما ترويها لنا القصص؟؟.

"بعد التخرج اتقدمت لوظيفة سكرتارية فى شركة مواد تجميلية لانها الوحيده الى مكنتش محتاجه خبرة و مرتبها كان 2000 جنية، و اكيد مافيش حد لسه متخرج هياخد مبلغ زى ده. اتقبلت بسرعه لتمكنى من اللغه الانجليزية و استخدام الكومبيوتر. الشركة كانت غريبة اوى لان ماكنش فيها عاملين كتير غيرى انا و بنت تانيه جت قبلى من فترة و المدير الى هو صاحب الشركه و مراته كانت بتساعدنا فى حاجات و حوالى 4 اشخاص تانين كنا بنتعامل معاهم عن طريق التليفون.
المعامله هناك كانت حلوه جدا خاصة من المدير و مراته الى اتصحبت عليا جداً و كانت مثل اختى الكبيره مع العلم انها كانت فى منتصف الثلاثينات و جميلة جدا!*. اما المدير فماشفتش منه اى حاجه وحشة و برده كان بيعملنى كويس جداً و معجب بذكائى و طموحى الى نفسى احققه فا كنت بعتبره زى والدى *هو اصلا عنده خمسين سنه و مخلف ولد و بنت فى الجامعه من مراته الاولي
بالرغم من ان زميلتى الى معايا دى كانت سكرتيرة زى، لكن هى الى كانت مسؤله عن تقديم الشاى و الحاجات دى، و كانت برده هى المسؤله عن تنضيف المكتب و خاصة مكتب المدير. ساعات كتير اوى كان المدير بيطلع متنرفز و يعد يزعق على الفاضى و لما حد كان بيغلط من العمال او السواقين،ممكن كان يشتمه شتايم مش محترمة او يضربة!. بس الحمدلله بالرغم من انه كان ساعات بيزعق لزملتى بس انا عمره ما عملى حاجه وحشه.
عادتاً كل يوم بكون انا و زملتى الى معايا فى المكتب لوحدنا، ساعات المدير بيجى و ساعات لا، و ساعات كانت زملتى بتكون بتعمل شغل بره فا بكون انا فى المكتب لوحدى!.
و بعد شهر، كنت فى يوم لوحدى فى المكتب و المدير نادانى و قعد يقولى عامله ايه؟ و مبسوطه و لا لا؟ و نفسك فى ايه تعمليه فى حياتك؟. و بعد ما اتكلمت بحسن نيه جدا، لاقيته بيقولى انتى محتاجه حد غنى يتبناكى و يحققلك كل الى نفسك فيه.... بعدين طلع خمرة من التلاجه بتعته و قعد يشرب بعدين كان بيلمحلى بكلام كتير شويه انه محتاج لحد زى يتكلم معاه و شويه انه ممكن يحققلى كل الى نفسى فيه بس على شرط اننا نكون صحاب و ان صداقتنا دى تكون سريه! بعدين لاقيته مسك ايدى و حط ايده على كتفى و قالى " انا مش بعرف اتكلم دوغرى بس انا عارف انك زكيه و هاتعرفى انا قصدى ايه؟". و انا كل ده متنحه و مش فاهمه ايه الى بيحصل و حسيت انى مش قادره افهمه غلط لانى فعلا كنت بحترمه جدا. كل اللي كان بيدور فى دماغى انى مش قادره اتصرف و حسيت انى مشلوله و خفت اعمل اى حاجه عشان الموضوع مايزدش خاصة انى كنت لوحدى. بعدين راح مسك ايدى تانى و قالى طول محنا مع بعض كده انا عاوزك تقوليلى بأسمى على طول بلاش بقى حضرتك و الحاجات دى. و راح مدينى نمرة موبيل سرى محدش يعرفه خالص و قالى "الموبيل ده محدش يعرف نمرته خالص هابقى اكلمك من عليه بس ماتديهوش لحد و لا حتى لمراتى". سبلى مدة انى افكر فيها عشان اوافق على الاتفاق بتاعه و قالى انا هكلمك و عاوز اول كلمه اسمعها منك "انا موافقه" و انا عارف انك هتفكرى فى مصلحتك صح و توافقى.
طبعاً من اليوم ده و رجعت البيت مارحتش الشغل ده تانى، و كان عندى حالة اندهاش فظيعه مكنتش عارفه افكر و لا حتى اعيط و لا اتكلم مع حد. ماستوعبتش الموقف غير بعدها تانى يوم، حسيت بإهانه كبيره اوى و صعبت عليا نفسى ان حد يشوفنى كده و طبعاً الصورة الى كنت رسماها للراجل المحترم انهارت، و قعدت فتره يحاول يكلمنى و انا مش برد حتى مراته قعدت تكلمنى كذا مرة بس ماعرفتش ارد عليها اقولها ايه؟ و فضلت فى حالة نفسية سيئة جداً لحوالى شهر عشان انسى".

"المدير مطلبش منى حاجه...بس العملاء طلبوا!"
" انا اشتغلت سكرتيرة فى حتت كتيير اوى بس كان اسواءها الشركات السياحية، المدير عندنا كان راجل كويس اوى و عمره ما حسيت من ناحية بأى حاجه وحشه، لكن عملاء كتير عرب و اجانب كانوا بيحاولوا يتحرشو بيا و ساعات كتير كانو بيكلمونى فى التليفون و يطلبو منى اجيلهم و ناس منهم ماكنوش بيسبونى فى حالى و يقعدوا يقولولى كلام سافل فى التليفون و ساعتها اشتكيت لزمايلى الى معايا فضحكوا عليا و قالولى ان معظم الناس الى بيزورو مصر بيجو بس عشان كده و ان هى دى طريقه الشغل فى كل مكاتب السياحه.
قلت اروح للمدير اشتكيله، قالى تقريباً نفس الكلام و زود عليه كمان انه ده من تخصصات شغلى لانى من واجبى انى اضايف العملاء كويس و اريحهم فى طلابتهم عشان ده اكل عيش و طبعاً بيزود من المرتب. اضطريت انى اضغط على نفسى شويه و استحمل المضايقات لانى كنت محتاجه فلوس و بعد فترة الشركة اضطرت تقفل عشان مابقاش يجيلنا ناس كتير من ساعة العمليات الارهابية و الحاجات دى."

"مديرى كان هايدمر زواجى"
" انا للاسف اطلقت بسبب شغلى كا سكرتيرة، كنت بقعد اوقات كتير فى الشغل و كنت ممكن اسافر لوحدى مع المدير، و لقيته بيتقرب منى شوية بشوية بالرغم انه عارف انى متجوزه بس انا كنت بحاول مفكرش فى الموضوع كتير عشان احافظ على شغلىن بس للاسف جوزى لاحظ الحكاية دى و حظرنى كذا مره بس انا كنت بحاول اقنعه انى لازم استمر فى الشغل عشان الفلوس. كذا مره المدير كان يكلمنى فى اوقات غريبه و يبعتلى رساله كتير على الموبيل كلها كلام معكسات بس انا كنت بامسحها على طول بس للاسف نسيت الموبيل مرة و المدير بعتلى رساله و جوزى كان فى البيت و شفها راح كلمه مهزقه و هو رد عليه بكل بساطه و قاله انه على طول يبعتلى رسايل كده و حسسه ان فى ما بينه علاقه. رحت اول ما رجعت البيت جوزى اتخانق معايا و ساب البيت و كنا هانطلق، بس الحمدلله ولاد الحلال ادخلوا و قدرت اصلح الموقف و افهمه ان مافيش اى حاجه ما بينى و بينه و انى كنت بقفل على لما يحاول يفتح معايا اى حاجه. انا عارفه انى غلط انى متكلمتش من الاول و سكت كتير بس الحمدلله انها جت على اد كده و طبعاً كان طلب جوزى الاساسى فى الرجوع انى اسيب الشغل و مشتغلش فى مجال السكرتريه ده تانى خالص".

"جوز المديرة كان بيعاكسنى!"

اشتغلت فى شركة تصدير كانت صاحبتها واحده ست، كانت تنكه اوى و على طول بتزعق و تهزق عمال على بطال و على طول تنتقد اى وحده شغاله معانا لو حطه مكياج كتير او لبسه لبس ضيق او قصير زياده على اللزوم، جوزها كان عنده شركة تانيه بس ساعات كان بيجى يساعدها فى الادارة كل فترة و التانية بس كل الستات الى كانوا بيشتغلوا فى الشركة بيتكلمو عنه، كان كل شوية واحده تشتكى انه عاكسها او قالها كلمة كده او كده. و فى يوم غلطت و انا بشتغل و بعت حاجه غلط، و طبعاً المديرة ادتنى كلمتين و خلتنى امشى و نزلت من المكتب منهارة و عماله اعيط فا لاقيت جوزها تحت فى العربية فا اعد يهدينى و عرض عليا انه يوصلنى بالعربية و انا وافقت و شوية و لاقيت نفسى اعده معاه فى هيلتون دريم. راح قعد يحكيلى عن حياته الشخصية مع مراته و انه بيضطر يبص لبره لانه قرفان معاها فى البيت و على طول خناق. بعدين لاقيته راح قرب منى و حضنى ! و قالى "لو تحبى ترجعى الشغل تانى انا ممكن ارجعك و هقول لمراتى انك اترجتينى عشان ترجعى الشغل تانى". روحت سيباه و قمت مشيت...

"لما تكوني سكرتيرة لقناة فضائية تافهه"

" يمكن مش السكرتارية بس الى بتتعرض لتحرش فى القنوات الفضائية، ده من أول العاملة البسيطة الى بتشتغل فى البوفيه لحد المذيعات و المعدات. انا اعدت فترة بشتغل سكرتيرة لقناة فضائية الى بتعرض الاغانى و شوية برامج كده بتاعت المسابقات و خلاص. كانت زى متكون مجتمع صغير منعزل عن العالم. الى يعاكس دى شوية و الى يعمل علاقه غير شرعية مع واحده او اكتر و كله كان عارف كل حاجه، دى ماشيه مع مين و دى نامت مع مين و الخ... كنا بنعمل حفلات فى الاستديو كتير و كان ممكن يحصل فيها اى حاجه لان بيكون فيها شرب و سهر.اضطريت انى اجارى الوضع لانى ماكنتش هلاقى فرصه احسن من كده بس و فى نفس الوقت كنت لسه محافظه على نفسى كا بنت، و بعدين اتقدملى واحد و رفض انى اكمل شغلى لما عرف انى سكرتيره فا قدمت استقلتى".

"السكرتيرة عندنا بتحترم من الكبير للصغير"

"احنا عندنا السكرتيرة اسمها Administrative Assistant و المصطلح ده بيستخدم فى كل الشركات المالتى ناشونال و الشركات الكبيرة فى مصر. و عادتاً بتكون خاصة اكتر بالاناث لانهم بيعرفوا يتعملوا بلباقه اكتر و بيمتصه غضبهم اكتر من الرجاله و كمان عشان البنات ممكن تشتغل فى اكتر من حاجه فى نفس الوقت بتركيزمش بس عشان انها بتكون حلوة و متدلعه و خلاص. عشان كان السكرتيرة عندنا لازم يكون معاها شهادة عالية و بتعرف اكتر من لغه بطلاقه ده طبعا زائد الكمبيوتر و انها تكون مثقفه و مطلعه.و بتعتبر من اكتر الناس الى بتحترم فى الشركة لانها تحت المدير بالضبط و ليها صلحيات كتير و هى الى بتحل محل المدير لما بيكون مش موجود و بتعرف كل حاجه فى الشركة ماشية ازاى عشان كده هى تعتبر شغلانه متعبه جداً لان كتير ممكن تقعد لساعات زياده عن ساعات عملها و ممكن تنزل يوم اجازتها لو فى شغل ماخلصش او لو المدير محتاجه اى حاجه حتى لو كانت ورقه من هناك لانها هى الوحيد الى بتكون عارفه مكان كل حاجه ".

ان عالم السكرتارية ملئ بالقصص المختلفة الذى ظلمت الكثير من الفتايات و السيدات التى يعملون فى هذا المجال ، فالبرغم من انه قد يكون مستغل بشكل او اخر فى الكثير من الاماكن لكن هذا لا يعنى انه بهذا الشكل دائماً لانها عمل ذو اهمية و يجب احترامه و تقديرة.

اهلا بيك فى "ارض النفاق"

2009-08-29T14:26:00.002+02:00

رمضان فعلاً شهر الخير، اول ما بيعلن الشيخ عن بدء شهر رمضان الكريم بتتحول الناس بشكل غريب، الى مش بيصلى تلاقيه ما بيسبش المسجد، والمش محجبه تتحجب و تلبس عبايات كمان و الناس كلها بتجلها حالته ايمان غريبه. فعلاً سبحان الله ان الشياطين بتكون متسلسله فى الوقت ده، لان اى شخص بيعمل حاجه وحشه ممكن يعملها على طول لكن يجيى عند شهر رمضان و يقولك " لا انا مش بعمل كده فى رمضان". طب مادام هو عارف انها غلط كان بيعملها ليه من الاول؟ و لا احنا المفترض ان احنا نعبد ربنا فى رمضان بس.
بعد حوالى 28 يوم برضه نفس الشيخ لما بيعلن عن اول يوم العيد تلاقى حال الناس انقلب تانى 180 درجه و كل رجع زى مكان، فى ناس بتحاول تسبت على الى هى كانت فيه لكن للاسف ناس تانيه بترجع لحياة القديمه ده لو ماكنتش بقت اسواء.
كان بالنسبالى الناس الى بتعمل كده منافقين و و بيضحكوا على الى حوليهم و على نفسهم لان ماينفعش حد يكون عارف و مقتنع انه بيعمل حاجه غلط و يصر انه يعملها، بس اتعرفت على شباب غيروا فكرتى دى تماماً و عرفت منهم ان مافيش حد بيحب يكون وحش و ان كلهم فعلاً نفسهم يكونوا احسن و رمضان من احسن الاوقات الى الواحد ممكن يتوب فيها صحيح اوقات كتير الواحد بيرجع بعديها زى مكان لان الجو المحيط بيكون مش مساعد على التغير او الثبات بس على اقل بيحاول. انا هاعرض قصتين لولد و بنت بيمثلوا شباب كتير موجودين حولينا بيعملوا حاجات كتير مش كويسه لكن محدش فعلاً حاول يعرف من جواهم عامل ازاى

"هو"
"انا عندى 22 سنه، من سوهاج بس عايش فى القاهره بقلنا فترة و دراستى الجامعيه كانت هنا. والدى الله يرحمه كان راجل صعيدى و قاسي جداً على طول إهانه و ضرب أمى ست غلبانه مغلوب على امرها و ماعنديش غير اخ اكبر منى نسخه مصغره من والدى على طول بيحب يتحكم فيا فى كل حاجه. ابتديت اشرب حشيش و حاجات تانيه كتير من سنه 3 كليه بعد وفاة والدى و تقريباً جربت كل انواع المخدرات ده غير كمان انى بنام مع بنات كتير و عارفهم كلهم واحده واحده. اهلى ماكنوش يعرفوا عنى اى حاجه و لا بعمل ايه لغاية ما البوليس قبض عليا مره مع واحده من اياهم و طبعاً سعتها اهلى عرفوا، بس محصلش حاجه و كملت حياتى عادى جداً و يمكن كمان بقيت اوحش من الاول، يعنى انا تقريباً عملت كل حاجه وحشه ممكن تتعمل و لسه لغايت دلوقتى بعملها...
انا نفسى اصلى اوى و عارف ان فى يوم من الايام حياتى ها تتصلح بس الناس الى حواليا مش مسعدنى على كده انا بحاول كذا مره فى رمضان انى ابطل لكن برجع تانى اعمل معاصى و ساعات اكتر من الاول و مكسوف اوى لما كل شويه ابطل حاجه و ارجعلها تانى يعنى ازاى ربنا هايتقبلنى و انا زانى و بشرب مخدرات و حشيش."

"هى"
"انا من الاسكندريه و عايشه مع امى و اختى لان والدى مطلق والدتى من زمان، اتحجبت فتره صغيره بعدين اهلى و صحابى قالولى اقلعه لانى شكلى وحش و بيئه. قالعته و بقى لبسى كله قصير و ضيق و لما فكرت انى البسه تانى اهلى كانوا على طول يعرضوا لانهم شيفين ان جسمى حلو اوى و حرام يستخبى. بعد فتره لاحظت ان رجاله كتير بيجوا لماما و للاسف كنت بشفهم داخلين مع بعض اوضته النوم فا بقيت انا و اختى كده و اتعرفنا فى المنطقه بتعتنا كلها و طبعاً اى حد بيشوفنى بيبصلى على اساس انى كده بس ال الناس ماتعرفهوش انى بصلى و بصوم الحمدلله و كمان بصوم نص شعبان و بعمل حاجات كتير بتمنى ان ربنا يتقبلها منى و يسامحنى على الى بعمله، بس تقريباً حتى لو ربنا سامحنى ماعتقدش ان الناس هاتسامحنى و تشيل الصوره الوحشه من دماغهم و انا متأكد ان كل بيقول انى مستاحقش ان ربنا يغفرلى ، بس انا فعلاً بحاول اينعم بفشل كتير لكن بحاول بس مشكلتى انى ضعيفه و بتأثر بالناس الى حوليا جداً. على فكره ماحدش بيتولد وحش او بيحب يكون وحش بس الانسان ضعيف و بيضحك على نفسه بالمعصيه مع انه عارف انها هاتأذيه لكن بيحب يعملها لمجرد انها ممنوعه".

"هو" و "هى" دول قصص واقعيه بتكلم بلسان حال شباب كتير ضايع و نفسه يتوب، شباب بيستنى رمضان من السنه للسنه عشان يحاول يتغير و يكون احسن، شباب مش منافق لكن من جواه فعلاً مش عاوز يكون عاصى و نفسه يبتدى حياة جديده.

Where is superman when u need him ?

2009-08-22T01:42:00.000+02:00

I'm only 22 years old, young and shining and still single.
Why? Maybe coz I'm so disappointed at guys. Seriously what the hell wrong with them (not all for sure).

But I never knew it could be so difficult to find the one for you these days….
Why are people getting so lame and shallow?

I hate the idea that people think I'm 22 and OH my God I have to get married!
Don't know what's exactly wrong with that, I believe I'm still young, I mean I can get worried when I reach or something, but it's a life time thing.

I've been dreaming about my superman, and I can't give it up just because people think he doesn't not exists, I know he does…I love him and I miss him and I'm sure we are right in front of each other's but still didn’t get the chance to know it.

I'm having weird feelings lately and I feel I'm emotionally disturbed, looking forward that Ramadan will settle things down and make my feelings more obvious and clear, Ramadan brings to me all the happy feelings in the world so I have faith it will get better isA.

يوم داخل (الاتوبيس)

2009-08-12T02:36:00.003+03:00

كنا جميعاً فى إنتظاره حتى اتى من بعيد, مضيئاً كشافيه مثل نور الشمس الساطع، و اخذ يبطئ و يبطئ و الناس يركضون عليه فى لهفة حتى توقف ,و اخذ صبى صغير يقف على الباب ينادى..." اكتوبر..أكتوبر فاضية أكتوبر".
لم اكن انوى الركوب وسط كل هذا الزحام و لكن تحت تأثير عنصرى الضغط و الدفع وجدت قدمى داخل "الاتوبيس" وعبر بذهنى إعلان "ريكسونا" مزيل العرق فوضعت منديل على انفى حتى لا اصطدم بالروائح النفاذه و الفيروسات المتاطيرة فى الهواء حتى التقط انفاسى عبر اى شباك مفتوح .امتلئت الكراسى سريعاً كما امتلئت جميع الاماكن التى يمكن الجلوس عليها مثل الأرض و الموتور و جانبى الباب، اتعاطف كثيراً مع هؤلاء الذين يحملون كماً هائلاً من الاكياس أو من الاطفال على اكتافهم و اعتبر نفسى من المحظوظين الذين استطاعوا الوقوف على درجات السلم , متمنية ان اجد "فتى الاحلام" الذى سوف يقف و يجلسنى مكانه قائلاً" اتفضلى اقعدى انتى يا انسة"، و لكن اتضح انه حلم بعيد صعب ان يتحقق.

كالعادة بدأت مغامرة اول الخط بارتفاع اصوات الراكبين، فمنهم من يتحدث فى الهاتف بصوت عالى جداً " ايوه يا حماده انا رايحه لخالتك عشان بنتها ولعت" ، و منهم من تتحدث مع صديقتها التى تجلس بجانبها " انتى شوفتى البت سوسو كانت واقفة مع مين فى الجامعة انهارده؟!" و تتوالى الحكايات الواحدة بعد الاخرى و معظمها ليس لها معنى على الاطلاق.
تكملةً لهذه السيمفونيه العذبة نجد من يستمع الى الام بى ثرى "و مكسل يطلع سماعات" او من يبحث عن نغمة للموبايل فيعيد و يزيد فى التقليب بين نغمات المحمول مع تشغيل السائق لاغنية لاحد مغنييه الشعبيين المفضلين لتكون اغنية واحدة متكررة طول الطريق. لاول مره اعرف فعلا معنى " التلوث السمعى"و فصوت الركاب داخل الاتوبيس فاق ضوضاء الشوارع المزدحمة.
تعتبر ثانى مغامرة هى اختلاف السائق مع الركاب حول الاجرة هل هى 2 جنيه؟ ام جنيه و نص فقط؟.قد يتزعم الاعتراض احدى الركاب الذى يتحدث بقلب جامد كأنه زعيم وطنى يحاول الحفاظ على حقوق المواطنين و يسعى لتحفيز باقى الركاب ليتحدوا و يعترضوا على النصف جنيه الزياده مع استخدام اسلوب التهديد " خلاص يبقى تنزلنا ماترح ما جبتنا" او "اطلع بينا على القسم" و لكن فى النهاية غالباً ما ينتهى الخلاف بفوز سائق الاتوبيس بحجة " ده البنزين غلى يا اساتذة هوه النص جنيه ده هايفرق معاكوا فى ايه؟" فيتعاطف باقى الركاب و خاصة النساء "خلاص بقى ماهم برده غلابه".
هل فعلاً النصف جنيه "الى مش بيجيب حاجه" يمكن ان يكون سبب نزاع الافراد؟ و قد يؤدى الى الشتائم و احياناً الضرب، لاعتقاد كل من الطرفين انه صاحب حق و ان " ماينفعش يمشى كلامه عليا بالعافية".
يسود الهدوء فى منتصف الطريق, فمعظم الركاب قد غلبهم النوم من طول الطريق و شدة الزحمة و توقف السائق بين الحين والآخر للتحميل حتى اخر موقع قدم متبقى داخل السيارة.
أخيراً بعض طول إنتظار يقف احد الركاب و ينظر الى فى شفقة و يقول "اقعدى انتى, انا نازل المحطة الى جايه"، باستناء الاسلوب فى التعامل و تنازله فقط عن الكرسى لانه "نازل قريب" كنت سعيده جداً لاننى تمكنت من الجلوس بجانب النافذة و التقاط بعض الهواء المنعش.
ينتهى المطاف بنزول الركاب فى محطاتهم، الأمرالذى لا يسلم من الخلافات ,اما لأن احد الركاب نزل قبل محطته بـ "خمس خطوات" او امر احد الركاب السائق بالتوقف فجأة فاضطر للتوقف بعد المكان المقصود ببعض السنتي مترات فقط مما يتسبب فى ان يفقد السائق اعصابه قائلاً" هوه انا هنزل كل واحد عند بيته!". وصولاً بآخر المحطة حيث يقف السائق على بعد من الموقف المعتاد و يجبر باقى الركاب على النزول " هنا الآخر يا اساتذة! مش هاخش عشان الف من هنا" و تختتم المغامرة بنزاع اخير.

عايزه صبر

2009-08-09T04:32:00.006+03:00

"على فكرة المواضيع منزلتش العدد ده برده"

هكذا دخلت المنزل مثل اول كل شهر عندما اشترى المجلة و لا اجد مواضيعى فيها...

"خلاص بقى تنزل وقت ما تنزل!"

و هكذا اجابت امى بعد ان "زهقت" من كتر ما بسهر قدام اللابتوب و اروح هنا و هناك عشان اخلص المواضيع الى بكتبها الى لسبب ما "اجهله" مش بتنزل فى مجله. كنت اتمنى ان اقول لها " يا ماما بجد مش طلباها خالص الكلمتين دول"
هذه المره تسببت لى باحباط شديد و فكرت جدياً انى "خلاص مش نافعه فى الكتابه اصلا" و انى احسنلى استمع الى كلام ماما و "اشتغل شغلانه عشان اعرف اصرف على نفسى" لانهم (ربنا يديهم الصحه) مش هيعيشولى على طول...و الدنيا بتغلى كل يوم و الواحد مش عارف بعد كده ايه الى ممكن يحصل. و للاسف على رأى ماما " الصحافه مش بتأكل عيش" يمكن الواحد ممكن يصرف فيها اكتر مما يكسب.
بس اعمل ايه...نصيبى خلانى محبش غير الكتابه و الصحافه.
و لو شلت الحكايه دى من دماغى مش هلاقى حاجه تانيه اعملها او بمعنى اصح مش هيجيلى نفس اعمل حاجه تانيه غيرها.

انا زعلت و حسيت انى فشلت...لانى مش لاقيه تشجيع او حافز يعنى حتى لو انا "حماره" و "مابفهمش" فا انا نفسى اتعلم. بس المشكله ان المواضيع اتقبلت و عجباهم اوى و اخدت رأى ناس كتير فيها.

بدأت اشك اننى "فقر" او "نحس" و لكن اكتشفت اننى من المحظوظين لان الكثير من اصدقائى اعادوا لى البسمه و الامل و احدهم ارسل لى صوره....ابكتنى كثيراً لكنها جعلتنى ابتسم لان هذا بضبط ما اردت ان اراه فى هذا الوقت.

فعلاً كل حاجه "عايزه صبر".
شكرا الى كل من ادخل البسمه الى قلبى و كل من يثق في و فى قدراتى الضئيله. جزاكم الله عنى كل خير

بعتذر عن تداخل اللغه العاميه مع (النوعاً ما) فصحى لان دى مجرد فضفضه

اطالب بحقي فى التصيف !

2009-08-06T18:20:00.002+03:00

فى ناس لما بتحب تصيف بيروحوا فرنسا...تايلاند...دبي و ممكن يعملوا جولة سياحية يعنى اسبوع هنا و اسبوع هناك و يومين معرفش فين...
ناس تانيه بالنسبلها المصيف شرم الشيخ....الغردقه...بورتو سخنه...بورتو مارينا (و اى نوع من البورتوهات).
اما الناس الى على قد حالهم شويه ممكن يخدلهم يومين فى اسكندريه و خلاص.
الجديد بقى ان الناس دلوقتى بتصيف منغير متسافر اصلاً....

الصوره دى كانت على كوبرى المنيل....ناس قاعدين على الرصيف و جايبين كراسى البحر...ترمس الشاى و ملايه و حلل الاكل كلها الى فى البيت. اما الجانب الاخر فكانت العربيات ركنه يجى صفين (على الكبرى) و معظمهم من حديثين الزواج. فالاول كنت بحسب ان فى مظاهره و لا حاجه بعدين لاقيت الناس قاعدين مستمتعين جدا بالهوا و ميه النيل.
و بحديثى مع بعضهم عرفت ان ناس كتير هربانين من جو القاهره المحرق و نفسهم يشموا هوا و يتخلصوا من ضغط الحياة العمليه و نفسهم يصيفوا جدا بس معهمش فلوس يروحوا فى حته.
من الواضح ان حتى الاجازات و المصايف غليوا اليومين دول لدرجه ان الناس عملت النيل..بحر و الكبرى...شاطئ.
هل ممكن بعد كده الناس تعمل مظاهرات عشان يصيفوا ؟ و يطالبوا بحقهم انهم يتفسحوا شويه قبل ما يرجعوا ل هم المذاكره و الشغل و المصاريف؟

مذكرة محجبة مفروسة جداً

2009-07-23T01:52:00.003+03:00

انتشر الحجاب بشكل كبير خاصاً فى السنين الى فاتت بارغم من ان فكرة الحجاب ماكنتش موجوده تقريباً زمان. بس قرار الحجاب قرار صعب، و بيجيه معاه مسؤليه كبيره و التزمات كتير لان فى الاخر البنت بتكون بتمثل الاسلام بشكل او اخر و زى محنا شايفين دلوقتى ان الاسلام بقى مرتبط بفكره الارهاب و خاصه فى الغرب، لازم اى واحده تاخد القرار ده تكون مقنعه تماماً بيه و مقتنعه انها حامله رساله لتصحيح الصوره دى.
افتكرت اول يوم اتحجبت فيه و انا فى 3 إعدادى، كانت واحده صحبتى ادتنى قبليها شريط لعمرو خالد عن الحجاب و قالتلى" يا رب تتحجبى على اخر الاسبوع". كنت متردده انى اسمع الشريط فى الاول بس سمعته و تانى يوم ماقدرتش انزل منغيره،حسيت كأنى نزله عريانه و بالرغم ان ماكنش عندى ايشاربات او اى لبس بكم، اتصرفت و استلفت من اخواتى. و كان رد فعل اهلى جميل جدا كلهم كانوا سعداء مع التشدد فى شرط أساسي " لو لتحجبتى ماينفعش تقلعيه" و انا كنت مقتنعه بالفكره دى 100 فى 100 لان ماينفعش اكون موعده ربنا سبحانه و تعالى انى هعمل حاجه عشانه و بعدين اخلف وعدى معاه.
اما بالنسبه للمدرسه يومها دخلت و انا متوتره جدا، الناس كلها بصالى باستغراب و كانى من كوكب تانى. كانت مفاجئة كبيره لما دخلت فصلى لان معظم صحابى معرفونيش، بعدين لاقيت صوت من ورا.." اييييه ده انتى اتحجبتى!!". و اخيرا جت الكلمة دى لتحطم الثلج، فابتسمت ابتسامة طمأنينه كنت مستنيه كلمة "مبروك".
بما أنى كنت فى مدرسه لغات معظم طلابها مدلعين كان صعب جدا تلاقى بنت محجبه و تكون مقبوله بين الطلابه ده كمان كان كتير منهم معتقد ان البنات بيتحجبوا بس لما شعروهم بيكون وحش او عندهم مرض ما او المقوله الشهيره المتداوله " انا هاتحجب لما اتجوز". لاقيت نظرات صحابى كلها عتاب و كان اول تعليق جالى" ايه ده! لا اقلعي الحجاب..شكلك عامل زى الخدامات!"، "انتى كده مش هاتعيشى حياتك"،" انتى كده مش هتعرفى تعملى حاجات كتير و مش هتعرفى تشتغلى". و سمعت حاجات تانيه كتير كان اخيرها الحمدلله كلمة مبروك من بعض الإصدقاء الى اصبحوا مقربين لأن ناس كتير مابقوش يكلمونى من بعدها!
ساعتها بس سألت نفسى سؤال...ليه الناس ديماً بتحكم بالشكل؟ و ايه هيفرق بالإيشارب و لا منغير؟، و ليه مش هقدر اعيش حياتى و أشتغل بشكل طبيعى و انا محجبه؟.
بليل كان عندى درس عند واحده صحبتى و اتمنيت من ربنا ان مايكونش فى تعليقات تانيه، بس اول ما دخلت و بسلم على اهل البيت، لاقيت اخو صحبتى بيبصلى من فوق لتحت باشمئزاز لدرجه ان صحبتى اخدت بلها و قالتلى: " معلش اصلى عليتنا مش بتحب المحجبات مافيش غير واحده بس الى محجبه و كلهم بيتريقوا عليها لدرجة انها مابئتش تكلم حد فينا خالص، و ماما يوم ما فكرت تتحجب بابا كان هايطلقها!"
إستفزينى الكلام ده جداً..وحسيت و لا كأنى مثل باقى البشر لدرجته انى قررت و حلفت ميت يمين انى لازم اوصل و اكون صحافيه و كاتبه ناجحه جدا! و اخد جائزة نوبل فى الادب كمان!
فى مشوار الدراسه كنت بقابل افكار غريبه، يعنى مثلاً الى يقولى انى معقده و "نارو مينديد" اى غير متفتحه، و الى يقولى "انتى ما بتشوفيش المحجبات بيعملوا ايه؟" و فعلاً الكلمة دى ثبتتنى لان فى بنات مش بيحترموا انهم لبسين ايشارب د بس مش معنى كده ان كل واحده لبسه ميكروجب و بدى بروتل تبقى مش محترمه.
بعد التخرج قدمت فى شغل فى مجله كنت بحبها اوى وبعتلهم نماذج من شغلى و ردوا عليا تانى يوم على طول وقالولى هنحددلك معاد انترفيو. طبعاً كنت هطير من الفرحه و بعتلهم اميل تانى فيه السى فى بتاعتى و انى منتظره تحديد الانترفيو....
يوم عده...يومين...وراه اسبوع...و لسه مافيش رد...بعت تانى...و تالت...و اتكلمت فى التليفون...و مره واحده محدش رادى يسئل فيا...و كنت ناويه انى اروح المجلة بس صديق ليا يعرف نائبة رئيسة التحرير (الى هى اصلاً ردت على الايميل بتاعى فى الاول)، فا طلبت منه انه يسألها هما ليه مش بيرده عليا....
جه بعديها و سألنى "انتى حاطه صورتك فى السى فى؟"، قلتله اه. و كانت الصدمه..." هما ما قبلوكيش عشان انتى محجبة"!!!. و طبعاً مقدروش يردوا عليا لان اكيد مش هيقولولى كده فى وشي! مع ان الشغل الى "هما" رشحونى فيها كانت مساعد محرر يعنى ولا هاطلع فى التليفزيون و لا حتى فى الراديو.
كانت اول مرة فعلاً احس بخيبه الامل، ازاى مجلة "متفتحه" تقبل التفتح من جهه واحده فقط!. ده فى امريكا نفسها الى هى بلد الانفتاح كلوه مش بيفكروا كده. ليه اصبحت فكرة الحجاب بقت مرتبطه دايما بفكرة الإنغلاق و التشدد؟.
لفيت كتير على مجلات و جرائد مختلفه و قلت اجرب حاجه تانيه احاول اروح منها على قسم التحرير،فا قدمت كا مصممة إعلانات لان عندى فيها خبره مش وحشه، بس كان شرطهم الاساسى انى اقلع الحجاب! و استغربت جداً لما قالولى انى ممكن اشتغل معاهم بس فى قسم المبيعات(لان معظمه عبر التليفون) و انا اصلاً مافهمش فيه حاجه و ماعنديش خبره فيه قبل كده.
قلت اجرب اقدم فى الأقسام الإعلاميه الى بتكون تبع السفارات الاجنبيه فى مصر، روحت سفارة أمريكا قلت يمكن لما اروح بنفسى اعرف اثبت شخصيتى و تفكرى بدل ما ابعت السى فى و خلاص، طبعاَ كان فى إجراءات أمنيه و حراس فى كل مكان بصنلى اوى كأنى خلاص شايله قنبله، يا دوب لسه بحاول اسأل عن حد اتكلم معاه، بالرغم انى لاقيت ناس كتير داخله جوه لاقيتهم من على الباب بيخدو السى فى و بيقولولى " إتفضلى انتى احنا ها نوديه" و طبعاً فهمت أنهم اكيد هيودوه على اقرب زباله او يتركن على اى رف.
انا شكيت ان ممكن يكون العيب مثلاً ان ماعنديش خبره كبيره او إمكانياتى قليله بس لاقيت ناس تانيه بتشتكى من نفس الموضوع فى مجالات تانيه كتير يعنى السياحه و الإعلام مش بيقبلوا حجاب، بعض شركات المالتى ناشونال،القطاع الخاص و البنوك الاجنبية مش بيقبلوا الحجاب.
صدقتى الانتيم اتخرجت من الجامعة الالمانية management department و كان تخصصها الـHR (human resource و تعتبر الجامعة هى اول جامعة فيها التخصص ده، فا المفروض ان اى حد بيتخرج من القسم ده بيشتغل على طول لاهمية و حساسية البوزشن ده، فا قدمت فى فندق الفور سيزون و بالرغن من تفوقها برده تم رفضها عشان هما مش بيقبلوا الحجاب، الجميل فى معظم الشركات الى بيرفضوا بقولها بطريقه شيك جداً و غير مباشرة لان طبعاً هتكون حاجه وحشه فى حقهم لو عملوا كده بس الى حصل مع واحده صحبتى تانيه كان العكس تمام.....
هى خريجة حاسبات و معلومات جامعة القاهرة، اخدت كورس فى تخصص بتاعها و المفرود ان الشركه بعد ما بتدى الكورس ده بتشغل الى خلصوه على طول. راحت الانترفيو بتاع الشركه هى و 8 بنات و ولاد تانين و كانت هى الوحيده المحجبه...و هى الوحيده الى اترفضت، كان من اسأله الانترفيو التى اتسألتها :
"عندك مانع انك تقلعى الحجاب؟"
"اه انا ارفض انى اقلعه"
"بس احنا بيكون عندنا عمله اجانب و ممكن مايقبلوش الشكل ده".
"!!!!"
"خلاص احنا هانكلم حضرتك كمان اسبوع".
بعد طبعاً لما ماكلموهاش قدمت فى شركة "اتصالات" و أتسألت نفس السؤال تانى:
"انتى ممكن تقلعى الحجاب؟"
المره دى ردت و قالت: " اه و على فكره انا قبل كده اترفضت من شركات تانيه بسبب الحجاب بس انا مش هاقلعه".
فردوا عليها:" لا لا مافيش مشاكل احنا بنسأل بس"
و بعد كده فعلاً اتعينت لانها كانت من افضل الناس الى اتقدموا للوظيفة و قدرت تثبت نفسها من خلال شغلها.
من الملاحظ ان فى اشغال كتير بيكتب جنبها "شرط عدم ارتداء الحجاب" زى مثلاً الـ usher او الموديلز الى بيقفوا فى المعارض ، المذيعات ، خدمة العملاء ، مضيفات الطيران و اى حاجه فيها تعامل مع العملاء خاصاً الاجانب. و يا سلام بقى لو البنت تكون مدلعه شويه و مباينه اكبر قدر من جسمها دول الى بيتعينه هوه!
انا بصراحه احترت...مش عارفه هما بيقبلوهم عشان يشتغلو ايه بالظبط؟ بس حتى لو البنت محترمه و نيتها كويسه هما يستغلوها و يعتبروها اداه لجذب اكبر عدد من العملاء، و دى حاجه تهننى كا فتاة قبل ما اكون محجبة.
انا مش بحاول اقنع البنات بالحجاب لانى مش داعيه إسلاميه لكن بطالب بحقوقى كا إنسانه زيى زى اى حد تانى و سؤالى الوحيد الى نفسى اسأله.....هوه ايه مشكلة الناس مع الحجاب؟
إحساس وحش جدا لما تحسى انك مرفوضه و منبوذبه من البيئه الى انتى عايشه فيها لمجرد انك مختلفه، و انك مش عارفه تثبتى نفسك عشان مس لاقيه حد يديكى الفرصه دى.
بس فى مثل اجنبى بيقول what doesn't kill you makes you stronger و فعلا الحمد لله ناس كتير وقفوا جنبى و شجعونى انى اكتب و اصرخ و أثبت نفسى كإنسانه من حقها انها تتعامل على اساس انها بنى ادمه، بتفكر بعقل و بتبذل مجهود للنجاح، مش على اساس الى بتلبسه.

(شمس أحمد- الحائزة على جائزة نوبل إن شاء الله لسنة 2020)

Stranger in Egypt

2009-07-06T05:10:00.002+03:00

R.I.P

A 32 years old Egyptian mum (Marwa Sherbeni) was murdered at Germany, right inside a German court, in front of her 3 years old child and her husband.
A Russian\ German man attacked her with her little son and husband, tried to pull of her veil and insulting her for being a Muslim calling her a terrorist.
He stabbed her 18 time till she died, and when her husband tried to save her the police shot him and the attacker stabbed him for 6 times as well.

Marwa died immediately and her husband is still at the hospital recovering from the accidental gunshot and stabs.
Her body arrived to Egypt today; it was a tragic incident that affected most of the Egyptian women.
How anyone could be killed like that! Why would this 3 years old child grow up without a mum, why would that man live without his beloved wife???????
Why…..why and loads of WHY's!
It's all around the idea of not accepting others…. We never thought that we are actually doing the same…

I'm stabbed too!

Marwa was a muslim woman who lived in a foreign country, died because she was different she wasn't accepted.
But I who already live in Egypt, feel not accepted as well, I'm stabbed thousand times with people's eyes…I'm shot with their insults, I'm abused in my own country only because I wear my veil and respect it.

I'm a freak!

It's like I'm a stranger in my own home, I'm rejected in different kinds of jobs because of what I wear, because of what I believe in.
I'm mistreated because some people think I'm narrow minded or simply a STUPID person who doesn't deserve to be on this planet!

I'm asking for (respect/ acceptance and appreciation)

Accept me! Because I'm a HUMAN BEING who worth living!

Accept me if I'm muslim

Accept me if I'm a female

Accept me if I'm veiled or if I wear neqab

Accept me if I'm Christian or Jewish

Accept me if I'm bahai's or What so EVER

me if I'm an arab

Accept me if I'm black

Accept me because I'm a human just like you.

more about Marwa sherbini's case read :

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&cid=1246346077533&pagename=Zone-English-News/NWELayout

My “HIStory” with M.J

2009-07-03T02:54:00.002+03:00

if you tried to guess “Who is it?” you will certainly”Remember the time”. He was that “Man in the mirror” who left a great “Thriller”.His color doesn’t matter whether he was “Black or white” because he left great songs that simply stole the spot lights like a “Smooth criminal”.

In his “Childhood” he tried to “Heal the world” with a very loud “Scream”, and it didn’t went so “Bad” because he was “working day and night”. he challenged the “Human nature” and did his best to “Beat it”, he sung for ”Dirty Diana”and “Billie Jean” the “Librarian Girl” who wasn’t his “Girlfriend” they were “Just good friends”.

he would make you “Get on the floor” and “rock with you” all the night with his fast steps and moves until you “burn the disco out” of dancing.

One day he lost most of his “Money” ,rumors got him and said that he was “Dangerous” on kids, he roamed for a while and lived as “a stranger in Moscow” but he refused to hide “In the closet” and “Whatever happens” he decided to face his trials “Keep his faith” and ask for “One more chance”

he “give in to me” so much lovely music,now I'm “Speechless” and i “Cry” because he was “Gone too soon” .

By: "Little Sussie"

Happy new year to me

2009-06-29T04:51:00.001+03:00

The news of today =), it’s my birthday and i’m officially 22 years old, looking forward to a better year.

i got loads of sms

loads of emails

loads of facebook msgs

and loads of calls =)

still some ppl didn’t bother to remember

and weird, there were ppl tht i don’t even know wished me a happy birthday

anyways…..i’m a lucky happy person =)

THANK U MY LOARD

Random thought-3

2009-06-24T02:45:00.001+03:00

Yesterday I went through my old things , writings…papers….cards…diaries. the funny part is I found out that I kinda right the same thing in different year , strange that I still have the same feeling.

It doesn't seem like a nice week to me, I'm afraid whenever my birthday is close that I actually kinda forgot it this year , or I'm trying not to remember it ….few days and I'll get one year older, although I've wanted to achieve many things in little time,I still didn't get anywhere closer to what I wished for.

It sometimes breaks me into pieces

It sometimes makes me feel I wanna die instead of carrying on

But I still say to myself tht I should keep going, there is no easy way, but there r people on my way who believes without even knowing me well.

Which actually surprises me, why I don't believe in myself tht much?

Why do I wanna b a journalist while I hate everything I write?

Why do I want to play music while I feel tht I suck in it?

Many things brought me down to earth tht I lost my breathe, but the angels around me lift me up.

So, I should get up now right? And show out my best…

From my the deep of my heart, I wish it's a better year.

p.s: I stole the title "random thoughts" from a dear friend of mine "missing link"who started a post once with the same title and I liked it so much, thank u a lot for it =)

Random thoughts-2

2009-06-13T02:13:00.001+03:00

=’(

Qadr Allah wa masha2 fa3l

elhamdolelah anyways….tomorrow will b better isA

la3alhu 5yran

Random thought-1

2009-06-08T02:01:00.004+03:00

ive been lying to myself, i admit this. maybe coz i never got to let out wht i wanted to say or maybe coz u spoke directly to my heart?

i know nothing will bring us back and i have nothing to hold on with, i hate the fact tht u still cross my mind and i hate the fact tht i actually...... kinda like it

" maybe i didn't get better, but at least i'm different".

yes...i'm different...i'm stonger and became numb,sometimes i miss my old self and tht's y i sometimes miss u as well, coz u were a pretty much...part of it

i hate to tell u tht "wht goes around comes around", i have no hard feelings but it's not at easy as it seems.

"and when we meet, which i'm sure we will all what was there will be there still, i'll let it pass and hold my tongue and u will think tht i moved on"

i'm sorry i had to let this out in a way or another.

tht other day my best friend told me " ppl come to our lives for a reason, a season or a life time" and as long as u were only here for a reason u shall leave, would u?

The String of hope

2009-05-16T01:13:00.000+03:00

a connection between us
empathy runs through
our eyes met then hide
there is something obviously true
a simple line
the line of empathy we both hold
we swing and slide
along the road
then lay attached to the string of hope
a quick glance
might return the past
a day pass then another day
life drifted us away
maybe in another life
maybe in another world
we'll rejoin again our string of hope

Re-breathe

2009-05-14T01:39:00.001+03:00

i finally got to breathe through the past one more time..it was surprising yet weird and amazing..

can’t deny being happy..i missed tht feeling long long ago.

it would b utterly funny if history repeated it self one more time lol

i’m praying and wishing and hoping doing everything i can…i can c some signs and motfa2la 5yran but still i don’t want to b in an endless dream, although i’d rather keep dreaming if it was about you =)

new blood joined earth

2009-05-01T03:01:00.001+03:00

the little princess came few days ago, i was pretty much busy that’s why i was away for a big while.

she’s amazing,a cute little angel with a warm sunny face,i didn’t hold her yet *probably when she’s more few months old*

till now i only kiss her and sub7an Allah it kinda tickle my motherhood instinct.

i had an interview for another job…wasn’t surprise when i was nicely rejected..there r still loads of places on earth to search in.

we were preparing for our nursery graduation party..i was very tired but i missed tht feeling since colg..i missed the feeling of working all the day and go home to sleep like a dead person on my bed,then wake up in the early morning to go to work.

the party went pretty well, i never thought i’d miss the kids tht much,as they didn’t notice it was their final school day they couldn’t really say good bye.

i felt sad…when i came up to school the following day and found the class empty…couldn’t stop myself from crying..and i never thought tht only 2 month would make me feel so *it’s my stupid sentimentality again* i don’t think i’d ever stop being to attached to people..esp people i know tht they would leave soon and we might never see eachothers again.

i guess the following days would b pretty hard on me..i can feel it in me. i started having those qawloon’s pain again and ofcourse the usual fast heart beat and nose bleeding, nothing more than the normal except for being little bit angry.

i need meditation and a new hair cut..maybe it would make me feel better

New arrival

2009-04-18T23:14:00.001+02:00

a new soul will come down to earth, a new member will join our family.

i’m looking forward to c her =) to c her growing up with the rest, i can’t wait to hold her, kiss her little cheeks and hug her warmly.

Princess Sohyla will arrive to our kingdom isA =)

Flashbacks

2009-04-17T01:55:00.001+02:00

today i went through all of my old stuff, my old emails..pictures..notes..and even songs.

it made me shiver, i was happy and wished if i can go bk to those days one more time..and live them again *would it b the same*?

after long searching on my laptop, i found myself into the old ts boards…the black universe theme with the orange half sun in the middle. just the layout was enf to flash back these old days, i still remember my username and password, so i took a look around.

it was nice yet sad…i’ve seen bk all of those people i once lost on the way.

i guess everything has an ending point

October’s Road

2009-04-15T23:44:00.001+02:00

starting from 6 of October city all the way to mohandeseen, going to tht mag. wishing i can just leave my article and GO…wasn’t in a mood to attend any meetings and hear more of the bla bla bla..

the headphones r in my ears all the way, listening to my fav songs which reminds me of my past, the best and worst moments in my life all together at the same time.

it’s funny how u laugh till u cry ur heart out, i don’t know wht do i want now, do i want to turn back time?, but y? i’ll still b the same..and i’ll still have the same situations.

do i want to get over? i tried and failed, all i do is just move on and change, pretending that it’s all over while it burns my heart every time i recall it accidently.

i walked for a while till i reached the mag, and thank God my wish came true and i left my article and ran quickly back. i kept walking till the bus station…and now on the way back to 6 october..

i just can’t stop thinking, sometimes i miss my own self, i miss how i use to be,and how i used to feel…

sometimes i think as..”if only i didn’t…” but what now! it’s too l8 to think and useless to think abt the past coz it is a PAST,

as i almost reached bk home i found my eyes tearing,i don’t know y i’m crying..but i feel as if there is a revolution inside of me…objecting on everything bad happened to me, asking me to release tht beast captured inside of me…letting it out of the cage..letting it take it’s revenge from those who hurt me the most.

i was near the mosque and decided to pray and go home…and so i did

all the pain I've been through

and still i can’t let go

2009-04-04T00:28:00.001+02:00

everyone should starts somewhere, i still didn’t find the perfect place to start from , but i will try to start from what i have now..maybe i can change it to b better or maybe it will lead me to another better place..

i’m just riting anything coz i don’t want to stop writing. there is so many thing inside my mind but i don’t know why i dont rit as much as before so.. i’ll try to rit all the things running through my head.

sometimes i don’t know wht i want?…can i really b a writer? a journalist tht rit abt ppl and for ppl?, a person who would leave sign before she dies?

i feel i’m starting to move in actually this post proves it somehow , maybe i might b slow but at least i started..

i want to rit abt blogs so wish me luck with tht , till now i haven’t think of much..but i’ll finish it b4 Wednesday isA.

befor leaving i have some questions tht i will answer l8er…

does wearing a veil contradict with being a human?

r ppl getting lamer ?

can we decide who deserves to die and who don’t?

almost drawing the curve

2009-03-27T00:28:00.002+02:00

i think its time for me to rise and shine...tired of life being so unfair, wishing for a better tomorrow.
i wish i can stop growing up, it makes me feel more responsible...see people with a closer eye which makes me c them lying, pretending , fake and empty *not all of them*
life is still good though
u'll b seeing more of me soon isA =)

self motivating

2009-03-19T01:27:00.001+02:00

i'm one of the best journalists ever! yaaaaay me!!!!

Noble prize...get ready coz i'm coming and almost there!

=D a little push

Random thought-5-

2009-03-07T23:49:00.002+02:00

i'm sick =( so sick ='(....but i'm so happy =), my best friend ever is engaged..it was gr8 seeing her so happy (althought it took me alot of pain killers to gather my self and go to the engagment) but it was gr8..she looked awesome...i love her and i love everything abt her and i love seeing her so happy may she always b happy forever .....
it brought bk many wonderfull memories
.........................................
i have some emotional issues =D i don't even know....how do i feel.
i better go to sleep i'm so tired and i'll get up early...maybe i'll cry a little to..... VENT

Miss Shams !

2009-03-05T22:26:00.002+02:00

woooooow! i began my job as a teacher...english...nursery stage =D i never thought it would b so much fun...the kids r a bit annoying but so cute and funny, i do a new thing every day and i finally got to WORK and MEET people and FEEL i'm doing something , the day really passes so fast.... so far...i love it =)
i'm also looking forward to work as a freelancer in a new mag =( i hope it work this time coz my mind is really feeling blank and can't think of anything to write...

ya Rab!

Trapped outside

2009-02-16T01:34:00.003+02:00

i don't should i lol form what happened or should i cry from pain?
my friend visited me last friday and i was home alone, she rang the "intercom" and i took the keys hanged on the door and went to open the outter door for her.
as i went out...i found tht i took the wrong keys, so i waved to her to wait and oops! the door is closed :S
so i was out side the apartment and my friend out side in the yard !
i went up for our neighbors and asked them to open the the door for my friend , so as they did it was both of us out side the apartment now..
we stood for a while and kept laughing like hell!.
luckly...we live in the 1st floor so i can easily jumb through the balconey and open the door for us, tht would simply b done only if i left the balconey opened =D
.......
silence
.......
laugh
.....
thinking and thinking...
.......................
then decided to give it a shot and try to open the balconey or even sit in it =D, so i went to our other neighbors to borrow a knife and a ladder..and actually they were pretty helpful and their son suggested to help us.
so he jumbed to the balconey and tried to open it *its locked with shesh / terbas and glasses* and the mission was faild.
i noticed after a while tht i left one window side open..and here came the painful thought..
.......
i took some chairs and stood on them and startes cutting (the thin selk 7aded) to enter my hand and open the window......
thank God it worked out! but as i entered my hand then let it out =D it was so full of blood the metal was so tiny and painfull tht i had scratches all over my arms...
but TADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA the window is open and my neighbor jumbed inside and opened the house for me and my friend =D and we still couldn't stop LAUGHING *ay ay ay*